nofacesyndrome

[nofacesyndrome]

Ya know there's really this fucked up irony to the fact that you can't hate an abusive parent. My mother is emotionally manipulative and abusive and she'll push my buttons just because she had a bad day and she needs to make it everyone's problems.

I hate how she treats my sister and father but I can't say shit!

Because some times on the rarest of occasions we share a glass of wine and laugh about how stupid some people are, or how mad this one show made us. Times where we genuinely bond and understand each other. Most of the times it's the next day, sometimes just a 5 min difference and then she's a total bitch.

She excuses her manipulative, abusive comments by saying it's her bipolar she can't control it. I understand bipolar, I understand the highs and lows that can shift almost instantly. It still doesn't excuse your shitty behavior toward us.

She's so manipulative that I seriously can't even be mad at her because even that makes me feel like a bad childe. Mind you I'm 20, turning 21 in a few months. I am by no means a child anymore but she still threatens and manipulates me like one.

And when I finally get the courage to call her out of something she did that isn't right she goes off and starts screaming about how fucked ip I am, how I should respect her and that she's trying her best but no one sees it.

So I stay quiet. I stay complacent.

I want to hate her and I want to move far away but I can't.

There's a time in my life where I literally can't remember her being there. She drank so many pills, and slept for days on end. Years where I didn't even know her because she was never awake to get to know.

Yes some times she was a good mom and did good things but most of the time she was this authority figure that I had to respect and do everything for, or else.

I hate that abuser can have so much power over a person. I hate myself for allowing her to have power over me.

Hopefully when I get a job I'll at least be able to afford a therapist everything now and then because god knows I need one.

[nofacesyndrome]

Ya know there's some peace in not having friends. Less people to disappoint.

[nofacesyndrome]

One quote from the office that will always haunt me is the one where Andy says, "I wish there was a way to know that you're living the good old days before they're done," or something like that and it hurts cuz it's true.

We really are selfish and greedy creatures and we won't recognize the good old days even if someone told us because we have this idea that they will always be around us. And maybe that's true to a certain degree. Every year amd every decade of our lives will be better in retrospect but we just didn't cherish them.

What hurts more tho is when people talk about their good old days and you realize yours wasn't good.

You survived the torment, you picked yourself up multiple times, you stepped away from that ledge so much you almost lost count.

My good old days aren't laced with happy memories or a group of friends. It's laced with loss and neglect.

Honestly sometimes I'm shocked that I'm still alive. I hope my good old days will come soon and that I'll be grateful enough to cherish them.

[nofacesyndrome]

I knew it was getting bad again...

When I sat in the dark of my room getting drunk at 3 am.

I knew it was getting bad again when I found peace in the cuts on my skin.

I knew it was getting bad again when I started planning my suicide again.

I know it's bad. I can't afford help and no one takes me seriously.

I know it's worse. I know that if I tried hard I could feel better.

I guess there comes a time when you just can't step away...

I won't die don't worry but god I hope I don't have to wake up again.

[nofacesyndrome]

Hi, it's noface...

So I have an art account on insta and it's really hard to get recognized. I know it's not necessary but since I'd probably want to start doing commissions and stuff like that soon it's relatively important to me...

It's a little discouraging but at the same time I don't really mind. Somehow it's less stressful because fewer people would be disappointed if I just dissappeared.

That being said I thought of rebranding, just deleting everything and starting over. But even that would be hard. Idk maybe I should just give up....

[nofacesyndrome]

Hi, noface here... So recently things have been feeling good. I'm still here I guess. You know that thing people say where your sexuality is fluid and it doesn't have to be the same the rest of your life cuz you can realize things later on?

Well I guess I'm going through another crisis. Kinda... Basically men have just been really... lacking? I just don't find me attractive anymore? And it's weird because 2d men, oof they're fine as fuck. But the men in my country make me gag in all the wrong ways. Anyway that's not really the point.

The point is I've been confused lately, I'm not entirely Sapphic but my preference has just shifted severely.

I'm jobless and I guess that's been a big stress factor. Luckily I have time. It's not like I NEED a job for food or things... It'd just be nice to have money to buy the things I want.

I don't come from a wealthy family, in fact I'd say we're between middle and lower class, we live comfortably but we also struggle a lot if that makes sense. So there's never been money for really expensive things that I want so the only way to get it would be getting a job.

Growing up as a kid who couldn't have things because there was never money... It really stunts your mental growth because then as soon as you have money you feel the need to get all these pretty things just because you can. It's odd to be honest.

Anyway my insomnia has gotten really bad but I get good sleep every now and then which is good enough I guess. I went from constantly wanting to be asleep to rarely being able to sleep and I don't know why.

To sum it up, I'm in a safe place mentally, not well but also not in harms way. Not that anyone cares but I guess it's nice to have this out in the universe somehow.

Sweet dreams

[nofacesyndrome]

Haha well... The long distance bf didn't work out. Turns out red flags are harder to accept than I thought. Oh well.

My anxiety and paranoia have gotten bad. My insomnia is back too. It feels like my life is ending and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Good thing is I will be seeing a Therapist in 3 days so that's good. I can get some help... Maybe. At least I hope she can help. I don't really know how to talk to therapists so I made a list of things I want to tall about so I can't forget when my anxiety overwhelms me.

I guess I'm overwhelmed now too. Is it possible to forget how to cry? For some reason I keep feeling fake when I do... As if nothing is real and I'm crying because I feel sorry for myself...

I want to be alone but I also don't. I want to be surrounded with my comfort characters not the actual people in my life. Sometimes I want to commit not alive but I'm too much of a coward... I don't know what life is anymore... Often times it just feels useless to keep going.

[nofacesyndrome]

I used to have a lot of friends. Friends I could tell everything to. I still have some of those friends but now it seems like I can't tell them anything. I just feel so goddamn alone. To make it even weirder is that I somehow have a long distance boyfriend now. And anyone who has been in a long distance relationship would know that you feel even more alone. Because now you have this amazing person waiting for you somewhere and you can't see or embrace them.

None of my friends seem to understand. They say I should just be happy to have someone. And that holds truth don't get me wrong but it's just not the same. All my friends have their partners by their side. Shoulder to shoulder, lips to lips. And that makes me feel so alone.

It's selfish and stupid but I can't help but feel like this. I am happy for them, I truly am and I wish them nothing but blissful happiness. Then again the jealousy that bubbles makes me angry. Angry at myself for being like that to dear friends.

I just don't know what to do about this seemingly incurable loneliness.

[nofacesyndrome]

[nofacesyndrome]

This is my secret blog where I can kinda rant. I mean sure I could file it in the thousands of notes on my notepad or even my wors docs and save them in a hidden folder but there's just something about posting it. I mean no one's gonna see it but somehow knowing it's public makes it more of a relief when I'm done.

So this rant in particular is about my gender identity and how I feel about it. At first I thought I was genderfluid since sometimes I liked to present fem and other times masc. The thing is that the more I kept thinking about it the more I realized I didn't want to me seen as Male or Female. I want a binder, I want to dress androgynous, I don't want to be a gender. I just want to be me.

And so I realized I'm probably non-binary. It doesn't cause severe gender dysphoria when someone misgenders me, in fact when someone calls me sir it gives me a little giggle.

Then I started think about my family. I have a relatively big family. My dad has 4 siblings, two sisters and two brothers. All of which have spouses and children. And then there's my grandma too. And obviously my mom. We don't talk to her family a lot. But anyway I realized that even if I came out to them they'd just misgender me anyway and probably ignore. Or not take me seriously.

When I came out as Bisexual I had to repeatedly tell them because my sister and mom kept thinking I was joking until I seriously sat down with my sister. After that she accepted me and we told my dad, again. After which he seemed really happy with the fact that I might not have 'boy' troubles.

My mom accepted it, saying I'm her daughter no matter what. Which sounds good except every time I make a gay joke she goes off on a tangent saying I should keep it to myself and not make those jokes around the family. It feels like she doesn't want me to be proud of who I am.

I still haven't come out the the bigger sides of the family except for two of my cousins. Both of whom love and accept me. My older cousin doesn't know I'm non-binary though. He used to not understand the trans spectrum but has learned to understand and accept them so maybe I will tell him at least.

Now the bigger end of the family, being my aunts, uncles, younger cousins and my grandma, they are still a little conservative. Not conservative enough to disown me but conservative enough to say non-binary doesn't exist and you're either a girl or guy. And yes there are a lot of valid arguments I could use, it wouldn't help. Most of them are too stuck in their ways to pay any attention to what a 19 year old is telling them.

But sometimes, a lot recently, I've been thinking how nice it'd be to have them refer to me as they/them. I think a lot about how nice it'd be if I could make Bisexual jokes with them and laugh about funny instances about people misgendering me. That can never happen though. And it's sad...

That being said even my own mother would be like 'oh now you just want attention and you're trying too hard to be something you're not'. And that plants the fear in my head of yea maybe I am. Maybe I'm not enby I just want to be unique. And that scares me so much. I've been struggling with my identity so much thaf I thought maybe I am Cis and just want another 'quirky' label. I just don't know anymore.

I know a lot of people have it worse. To the point where it's life endangering to come out, but that doesn't make my feelings any less important, right?