nobodyknowsraina

[nobodyknowsraina]

[nobodyknowsraina]

[nobodyknowsraina]

Lokma is the sweetest. She is the most forgiving. She doesn't ask for anything and yet she is the most deserving. Why would I drive around Atlanta for hours, chasing down a man that has surrendered his life to drug use and habitually deceived me over and over again – and neglect Lokma at home? She needs to be fed. She needs to be walked. She needs to be loved on. I don't know if I can cry anymore tears. I cried a few drops and then they just stopped. They didn't even feel genuine. I'm tired. How many more men am I going to let get in the way of me living the life I want to live? I want to move to Brazil for a couple months. Then I want to live in south Asia. Then I want to– But fuck. I can't even lie. I also want to live a domestic life with this beautiful man. I say I'm not an addict, but it feels untrue in the most obvious way. I have the obsessive nature of an addict. If I am passionate about something, I become attached. It feels like an addiction. The hardest part about all of this is that there is nobody to blame. If there was only someone or some thing I could take my anger out on. Rula's heart holds no malice. This is clear as day. He should have a clearer conscious than most, given that most humans walk around on this earth intentionally wreaking havoc everywhere they go. I'm dating the smartest, most brilliant man in the world. I truly feel sick to my stomach. I somehow literally ended up with God itself. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that, the highest intelligence also brings the harshest truths. The saddest realities, but reality nonetheless. Death Charades. Everything feels unreal. I want to take it personally, but I can't. I want to breakdown, but I can't. I'm cursed with the desire to keep going, against all odds. I'm tested, left and right. I want a man to sit by me on the couch and smoke weed with me. We'll listen to music but I don't want to fuck. I want to enjoy music, high, in the presence of someone who won't force me to fuck, and doesn't expect me to talk. I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to feel. I want to be vulnerable. The music will sound euphoric. I will leave my body. It will be okay.

[nobodyknowsraina]

03/09/23

so it's been a while, but i'm not even going to write like anyone will ever see this. or whatever. I just need somewhere to put it all down.

am i depriving myself of a life that could be much more fulfilling to me by attaching to a boy again? are my lovergirl tendencies what will hold me back for the rest of my life? bitch when you fall in love, you fall. why is that though? is it because you want to feel needed? is it beacuse you like being a sidekick? you want one person to hold close to you that you can cheerlead and feel good about? i truly think i was born as someone who loves to shower others with love...but i also have this other side of me that is so independent , so.... in love with her solitude. cherishes her individuality. this duality confuses me. it seems simple... live IN love (body, mind, spirit) and fiercly follow your passions (lean into my independence) but ...... this time is so different

i can't even pretend this time is anywhere close to my past situations. i mean...aaron truly fell from somewhere right in front of me and in a matter of seconds, started charming me like none other. i've always missed one specific thing from my past lovers, and it was the intellect. this man doesn't just have intellect....to call it 'intellect' is such an understatement. this man just walks around with a never-ending well of wisdom inside of him and has no desire whatsoever to prove that to anyone. if you know, you know. if you take the time to find out, and if you are intrigued, and if you stay long enough, and if you are wise yourself, only then will you be able to experience this magic i speak of.

isn't it so ironically funny that this is the number one quality about him that makes me swoon? not his wisdom, but his total lack of ego accompanying this wisdom.

it's a rare and beautiful thing no doubt. along with this, he is also tremendously kind, has genuine compassion for all plants and animals, he loves to take care of me, he is witty and charming and painstakingly funny– the type of humor that makes me realize that nobody else has ever really been funny, the type of humor that good comedians are able to practice– shit that is so sad but so funny, eventually just leading to the silly irony of existence as a whole.

his lack of ambition is not the typical kind. it's the kind that exists because he refuses to partake in the evil facade and illusion of capitalism. how can i do anything but respect that? i actually don't respect myself for not having the courage to say fuck you to the system in such a real ass way.

i love him. it's not a lie i'm telling myself. i used to do that, but not anymore. i will be honest though. things are getting hard. i always make things hard for myself, even with nobody else in the picture– my anxiety is at an all time high as far as fear of rejection and artistic/creative paralysis. i'm tired and stressed often. i feel empty a lot of days. i feel alone and isolated from community. i have no real friends, girl friends that i can hang out with and feel nourished afterwards. but okay, i can figure that all out with a little discipline and self love. as far as aaron's addiction, his child, his baby mama, and his financial irresponsibility.... it's taking a toll on me.

I don't have to list out the heinous actions that he has taken towards me in a drug-induced state. it's extremely heart-breaking to think about, and it's even more heart-breaking that he genuinely feels remorseful and is struggling with a mental and genetic disorder that has a tight grip on him. maybe I just need to get him the help he needs and take some time for just myself.

there are a lot of people going through the same shit. this is my story though. i'm always living primarily for someone else, i feel. half-assing anything i do for myself and my own life.

i don't have the answers though. even when i think about it, and when i write about it– there are two approaches. an empathetic perspective, and a hyper-independent perspective.

this duality of lovergirl vs. badass follow your dreams travelling videographer girl will be the death of me

i so want both to exist in the same universe, at the same time , but i don't know if that's possible?

[nobodyknowsraina]

I found this poem in my email from December 2016

We were supposed to climb mountains together,

All you did was trample me

We were supposed to water each other, 

But all you did was deprive/dehydrate me

We were supposed to have kids together,

Now all that's just a lost dream 

To see the world with someone, you have to see the world in them first

You used me like the door mat in front of your house, even though you don't have a home

That's a fucking talent, wish I could have done it like you 

Wish I could have fucked around like you 

You did it as if I didn't have the opportunity to

If I had it in me, I could have killed you 

With actions much worse than yours, but I didn't, you did, and now you're the one on all fours, begging for my ass back, as if you didn't just spend the last 3 years with me right in front of you. 

[nobodyknowsraina]

I’m really lonely sometimes and wonder if consistency exists. Learning new things about myself everyday.

[nobodyknowsraina]

Sometimes I wonder where along life was it when I really got all the confidence beat outta me

[nobodyknowsraina]

the shit you go through that people don’t know nothin about....

[nobodyknowsraina]

i seriously need therapy

guys who fuck you up mentally should have to pay for your therapy tbh

i don’t have the money, time, or energy

i need depression medicine

or bipolar medicine or something

i need to not feel emotions bc that’s the only way i’ll be happy

i want to be around u but then i want to die when i think about what you’ve done to me

why am i in such a contradictive predicament

it’s very ironic.... and sad

[nobodyknowsraina]

Is this becoming a suicide blog I need to chill lol ... someone gonna find this password protected bullshit one day and .... i was gonna say be sad but no ones gonna care lol :’)

[nobodyknowsraina]

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

I want to kill myself

[nobodyknowsraina]

I wish I was brave enough to kill myself because I wanna end it all so badly.... obviously not bad enough... I want to muster up the courage some time soon because this life will not get better for all I knew since I was young has turned out to be true... it is all just pain and agony. The search for happiness is long winded and ultimately fruitless. I will be much more at peace at death because I will finally feel nothing. Feeling nothing is better than feeling this excruciating pain

[nobodyknowsraina]

I am so hurt

I don’t trust anyone or anything anymore

I feel like my spirit has been literally beat and broken forever

[nobodyknowsraina]

it’s weird how fake you think this shit is. u think this shit is a game? my feelings are fucking hurt. you fucking hurt me. grow the fuck up and realize that. stop fucking lying and saying you wanna b with my ass. you obviously wanna be with every fucking other hoe on the earth. i am nobody special to you. 

[nobodyknowsraina]

it’s so weird how someone can’t literally see what they do to a person. all you’re doing is trying to capitalize off the pain you have caused me. that’s cool but how are you going to come to me, and expect me to match your excitement about that? how can someone be so oblivious to how they are making someone feel when they just belittle and dismiss the pain they’ve caused a person by fucking them over by just quickly making it into a skit where one of your friends is saying ‘you know how you and raina is. you just gotta stop doing the same shit.’ like….how does he expect me to feel when he’s saying that to me? in the premise of a fucking skit?? and then moves on like, yeah! with a big ass smile on his face. excited. saying ‘i feel like i’m in a really creative place right now to make that project’ …

again. i’m so happy for you that the pain you’ve caused me can be of benefit to you for your art. i’m glad i can be the punching bag for your therapy. i hope that one day you truly can feel the literal damage you have caused to my heart.

[nobodyknowsraina]

gotta shake this anxiety if I wanna live.