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So what we're NOT gonna do is start saying triggered when we mean upset or angry, what we ARE gonna do is remember that it's a real life mental health word with an important meaning that needs to be respected

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talking about your pet: oh they're my funny lil guy :) my fluffy silly troublemaker!

taking to your pet: you're a threat to society. you're a menace and terrorist and a war criminal. you're remorseless and silly and my funny lil guy :)

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do you allow murder on the bus or do we have to wait until we can get off

depends.

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hate capitalism and its perpetual use of buzzwords just saw an ad for lemonade with "plant-based caffeine" like where the fuck else would you get caffeine if not from a plant

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apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

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i think if your account has existed on this site for a certain number of years you should be grandfathered into ad free browsing. a decade seems reasonable like if you signed up in 2012 or prior you have tenure

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Day 286 of quarantine I have discovered www.webstaurantstore.com

It is, I BELIEVE, a website intended to be used by restaurants for bulk ordering food and utensils. And this is bringing me such unbounded delight scrolling through and recognizing that I, a single individual, ALSO can order ridiculous obscene enormous offensive-to-all-common-sensibilities shipments of BULK FOOD, to my LITTLE LITTLE APARTMENT, for PENNIES on the dollar. I have this god given power to flood my entire living space with bulk grains and it is one single button click away from my reality.

30 POUNDS of chocolate for $100. 20 POUNDS of peas for $13?? $13!!!! I will wake up every single morning from now on knowing that a box of donuts and a sack of dried split peas heavy enough to bodily injure someone both carry equal monetary weight. 25 POUNDS OF ONION POWDER for $50. Do you understand the enormity? the accessibility? the potential here? With the single click of the button I can put myself in a position of bequeathing more than a humanly comprehensible amount of onion powder in my will. AND IT WOULD ONLY COST ME $50 TO MAKE THIS A REALITY.

But what gets me

What truly gets me

is the 50 POUND BAG OF RICE 

FOR LESS THAN $20

Do you know how much that kills me? How much I’m losing my mind? that I can order MYSELF WORTH OF RICE for something to the tune of $50? I can OUT-RANK MYSELF WITH RICE, DEMOCRATICALLY OVERRULE MYSELF WITH RICE, IN MY OWN APARTMENT for the fucking PENNIES that is $50

I’m so sorry for the normal person I’ll be after quarantine because the cabin-fever version of me I’m inhabiting right now is perhaps just uninhibited enough to follow through on this dream I’ve just discovered of out-ricing myself.

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me when we start eating billionaires and i have to kill gomez addams

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Oops

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It’s the multiverse theory

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Enough of this silliness.

I have got to have a baby.

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The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) dir. Andrew Adamson

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Make her feel safe.

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“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”

—

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someone walking into a bathroom, unzipping their pants, and instead of a pissing sound it's the sound of a sword on a grindstone

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