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new year thoughts:
1. i already threw a fit, either at exactly 12:00am or literally just 1 or 2 minutes of 2025. sorry father.
2. i panicked, again, few minutes of the new year. dang, salt. i guess, that was also my first cuss for 2025. (mind you, i also threw the “new yr water” while we’re eating.)
3. i got overwhelmed. dang, visitors and father. i already told him that we’re not ready for few ppl, house is literally messy and i even forgot to turn the lights on huhu. it’s like we’re on this slum state all over again huhuhuhu. disappointed!!!
4. i am so ugly for the first day of the year. i did not take a bath so my hair’s messy, i wore this fugly grandma pajamas, and i have a break-out!!! what a way to start the year, oh my goodness!!!
5. thus, as all of these are overstimulating me, i have no energy to do things huhu. the vision board, lists and to do’s, and all other things i am supposedly excited about are all blocked because of these thoughts.
6. to add, i was transferring vids from phone to storage to bring back the phone’s free back-up, however, i was reminded that i was so ugly huhuhu. what did i do to have this bad skin? huhuhu
7. i was also scrolling in fb a while ago and i keep remembering the slum state of our house when we the visitors came. dang, dang, dang!!!!
this is to vent my frustrations huhuhu as i observed that i am panicking and overstimulated again. i hope that i could cope these emotions this year. i yearn for better reactions, thoughts, and actions the next time that i’ll encounter the same scenarios or even worse ones.
cheers self 🥂
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An I really a quitter? I thought I am done with this phase. I thought I can handle things better and more rational now. Why do my emotions are always extreme? I feel the heightening angst and irritation for things that might be simple for others. I can’t blame anyone or anything though, as I am quite aware that this is all on me. I am too much and too less at the same time. Always and always not enough.
I am aware —about my emotions, standards, dislikes, potential actions, and all. However, I don’t know why I can’t use this awareness as foundation to build a more rational and objective version of myself. I yearn for greater things. I want to pursue various achievements that will enable me to leave a legacy. But, it seems that I am the only one who is aware about all my hard work and efforts.
I want to quit as there is a certain factor that regularly test my knowledge, skills, and patience, which we do not deserve. I do not want to tolerate the belittling that definitely does not define me. Sadly, another strong factor supports this narrative, which kills more the ember in me. This strong factor that does not recognize my initiatives and only acknowledges the surface.
I wonder what endeavors should I continue to sacrifice in continuing this path? Should I cling in the littlest hope I have? I am so lost that I want to chase my end. I am hanging in the tiniest thread that I want to spontaneously jump off.
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Hi!
It's been a long time since I wrote here. I guess at the end of the day, when I have too many words to endure, I would still run here to vent. But, you know that we are...always trying right? In our longest run so far, I have guessed that this is really who we are. We are always not enough not only to everyone, but even to ourselves. So...I tried things. And what I am proud of was, this time, we acted based on our patience and capacity. I tried to bear things so I could try. Although, I could tell that I didn't try hard enough...but, really, I even still think that we don't have to try that much. You might not be proud about this but we kinda acted based on fate. But ...I am afraid that things will not turn out well. And, I am in despair so much that it hurts. Worries, insecurities, and baggage run wildly within my veins that my sanity and well-being are trying to endure. But, we are so so much stronger today. I...could bear things now. I...keep putting out this high facade that we built to protect ourselves whenever things are starting to get out of our hands. However, this bearing made me write here. We are strong but I still want us to feel things. In order for us to reach the acceptance and to move forward, I want us to have a moment with our unshed affliction.
These days, I've been thinking about defeat. Being defeated. To let things go. To remain where I stand. To cease from running and walking, and accept that there will be participants who will not make it to the finish line and receive accolades. And, I might be one of those. I...I...don't want to stop but...you know that I could get things. If life wants to tell me that I am not meant to be great or to do something significant, that I do not really have what it takes...it's okay. For sure, it will be difficult to hold my excessive steps, stop, and turn my back away from the end, but I will endure, again. I think I am getting the hang of it. I could still learn things you know.
I am really sorry...to ourselves.
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Today, I found out what I am looking for a man that I guess will definitely be hard to seek.
In order to lure me, I think I want someone who is so persistent enough to message me, whether I reply at a speed or take a long time to revert. Or else, sparks will be easily burned out on my part.
But a little voice in my head is insisting, "...it seems not based on your history of attractions and moving-on?"
Well, I don't know. Maybe I am just dramatic or this desire is only for those who potentially pursue me? As my past liked guys are all almost one-sided so...I guess that's it.
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Looking back to that experience, I guess I am ready to die. I panicked for a while, but the way that I accidentally put my ring finger inside the gun and chose to scream instead of giving all my things...I guess I indeed faced my fate that I will die at that time. It's a weird experience yet my family chose to banter and do some screaming instead (though I also contributed so much on the screaming part). And also, my mom chose to make this thing all about her again and chose to walk away and shut us off inside --literally, inside 'cause she's outside at her dramatic phase again.
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Tonight, I looked at myself in the mirror and oh! All I could see is how hideous and unpleasant my look is. I mean, I get it now why I have no one.
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CAN'T USE ANY SNS 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HE SPOILED IN ENHYPEN'S COMEBACK
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