nicotineandtears-blog

[nicotineandtears-blog]

Sparks and Flowers

12/14/17

Today was a good day. Today, things went my way. Today, I didn't feel sorry for myself. Today was a good day.

Also today, I got my car fixed. Titus, my greek god of a car, is now back and running. He's like my son, I don't know what I would do without that car. I just love driving it, I could get lost in that car. Another gain of getting my car fixed was I got to see an old friend of mine. A good old friend. The type of friend who gave me so much anxiety on the car ride over. I was so nervous to see him. He was my best friend my freshman year of highschool. He was my first friend. We were the most unusual pair. He was a dick to put simply and I was quiet and more of a wallflower. He was so loud, blunt, and honest and people were too sensitive to understand the humor behind it. But I did. I could take his smart-ass remarks without taking offense, I would give them right back or just laugh with him. We were interested in the same things so we meshed well. Sort of. We argued and screamed at each other 70% of the time but it was all just play fighting. We were both so stubborn but that's what we liked about each other.

We were inseparable. His gated community was across from mine. We rode the bus home together everyday. He came over almost everyday after school. He was so comfortable with me and my family that he would just walk in through the back door or the garage door if it was open. But our inseparable friendship turned into something more. Nothing big but definitely a crush. At least for me it did. I could be myself around him, he knew the real me and he liked the real me, even if it was always just as a friend it meant the world to me that someone (other than Jason) could get me that way. He also had the prettiest blue eyes, and he made me laugh till I cried. I had a crush.

I also always felt the feelings back. But I ruined it and pushed him away. It was nothing dramatic but it was enough to get him to act a bit different around me after.

Its October 2012, and homecoming is right around the corner. I have Dustin my best friend and this girl Mckenzie (me and Dustin adopted her). McKenzie is a grade older than me and Dustin but that didn't stop me and her from fangirling about our picture perfect homecoming proposal and homecoming dates. We always talked about it on the bus ride home, she gets off on the bus stop before Dustin and I. Apparently, Dustin overheard my dream homecoming proposal; Mine perfect proposal would could be anything with flowers. I love flowers. I think they are the most romantic and thoughtful gift.They are so simple yet so elegant. As homecoming was getting closer and everyone was getting asked, It became clear I wasn't getting asked by anyone from my class. (my high school was small) I started to talk about what I would do instead of going to homecoming since I wouldn't have a date. One day, I was in a mood and I went on forever about it at lunch, McKenzie tried to hush me and encourage that I would get a date , and all I did was ignore her. But little did I know she was trying to tell me to shut up. Because out of nowhere, Dustin made a nasty comment about how I wasn't getting asked anymore and stormed off. Mckenzie later told me that he had this whole idea planned out with flowers and he was really excited but he thought I would expect him to ask so when I started getting doubtful, he got upset.

After that, He went cold for a while. He didn't smile at me the way he used to and I didnt catch him looking at me in Biology. He started talking about how hot girls were in front of me, which he never did that before. Even if our guy friends tried to provoke him, if I was there, he didn't say anything and he just stayed by me. It was cute. I eventually got a boyfriend and Dustin dropped me completely. Mckenzie switched high schools. So that was the end of that. Dustin didn't like the boy I was dating, and I don't know why. But he stopped coming over, he stopped texting me, our friendship became Hi’s in the hallways and birthday texts.

He ended up graduating early and we didn't really talk at all after he left high school. But somehow we both ended up in the same college town. Having each other on snapchat benefited the both of us. We saw each other occasionally and it was so good to see each other every time. I would smile from ear to ear.

Getting that feeling gave me hope. Hope that this would spark something between us again? Maybe. But most importantly, I could get my friend back. We both have grown up a bit more and had time to find ourselves. (were also both single). When I saw him today, it made me so happy and reconnecting was so refreshing. He made me laugh and made me forget about all my problems just by talking while working on my car. It was that easy.

Want to know how I know today was an even better day? Jenna blocked me on twitter and Ryder unfollowed me on instagram and it didn't affect me. I didn't get the gut wrenching feeling of knowing they hate me. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I felt annoyed. I felt annoyed that they could do this to me. But most importantly, I let it roll off my shoulders and all I could think about was Dustin.

Today was a good day.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

The Monster.

12/14/17

It's been a week. For a week i've had to cry by myself, laugh at what used to be inside jokes, handle my boy issues on my own, and see people I love and completely ignore them. I've seen them twice the past two days and it's just this moment of coldness and tension. I have to act and put on a smile like it doesn't bother me, I can't let them know that they're words and actions are hurting me. I can't let them think my whole world is going bonkers right now and complete chaos in my head. I can see it in them that they are happier without me. I know they are. I know how to put on a face, I've done it a lot. But what I haven't done is become my own best friend. I've always had someone there to be my support system and to lean on. I have that one person, Jason. Jason listens to me and makes sure that i'm happy. I've been best friends with him since the 7th grade. He knows me better than I know myself. I know him like the back of my hand. But the problem is I can't really talk to him about boys. Why? Cause for some reason he always seems to find something wrong with them.

“He's too skinny” “Hes gay” “Hes looks like a nerd” “He doesn't even drive a truck”. Fun facts about Jason, he's a cowboy. Straight redneck. So if the guy I'm dating or I like doesn't drive a truck, doesnt know how to fish/hunt, or doesn't own a pair of cowboy boots then he's not good enough for me. So I can't really talk to him about guys. (we've had the “no one is ever good enough for you and stop bashing on my men” fight millions of times)

I guess I'll rant about guys on here. There is two guys in question right now.  Ryder and Josh.

Ryder I am not romantically involved with but he did something yesterday that has been making think non-stop. He has been texting me off the side, given me hints and hope for the future. Like how he wants to work things out and giving me hints about the first step to getting my friends back is. I dont know how true that is and a piece of me believes that hes only saying that to trap me. But yesterday, I was at work (I work with the university police and I patrol the campus at night) and I was walking around the library (as per always) it was like 10:00 pm. I was leaving the building as that whole group was coming in. I locked eyes with Ryder and he gave me this smug look. A look where he wasn't going to say hi but he wanted me to know that he was going to walk by me and not say hi. He wanted us to look at each other. What's that all about? Why did he even have to look at me and give me that look. Why couldn't he just look away from me? Or maybe looked in every other direction like everyone else? Why be weird about it? I know what some of you might think, yeah maybe he wasnt looking at you. But he was. We locked eyes and its like the world stopped. I wanted to hit him as the curls of his mouth went up in this cocky way. I know he looked at me. We locked eyes. What other proof do you need?  The reason I am so upset is because he wants to give me such a contradicting look while texting me on the side. Dont act like you want to text me on the side, but then completely ignore me in public. Something's not right. I also was told by Taylor, that today while he was studying with Rachel. Jenna, and Dionne showed up and I was brought up. Jenna was mad at the fact, Taylor was even there and Dionne asked what I told him and if I was sad. Taylor, being the amazing friend he is, kept it short and sweet. They want me to crumble. They want to know how I'm doing but all of them are just too afraid to ask. If they only knew how much I missed them. How much it hurts to wake up in the morning and know that I have so many inside jokes and phrases I say and no one understands them.

Yes, I am mad about what happened and how it all went down but I'm more upset that the fact that this is so easy for them. That is so easy to just pick up the pieces and move on with their lives. Like I never happened. The fact that it's so easy for them to not look at me, just baffles me. It's so emotionally draining to walk by them and not say anything. It's like a break-up. So much of my life is just gone. It's been a year and now all of them just vanished within a week.

The second guy in question, Josh. I'm in completely and utterly in love with every piece of him. The way he smiles when he sees me, the way he laughs at me when i'm eating because i'm such a slob, we get lost in talk about the same dreams we have, and the way he watches over me. We talk about everything and anything. Let me give you some background information.

Josh and I met at a work and it was like an almost instant connection. Not love at first sight. But connection. We realized, we had so much in common and our minds worked the same way. Granted, we do work together for 6 hours at a time. We sit in a car for 6 hours and you get to know each other. Everything was going so well, we play flirt, we talked, we really hit it off. We got to know each other well in a short amount of time and became rather close but the worst part of it? He has a girlfriend. It's so sad. There's a lot to our story than this but long story short, he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, we slept together, fell for each other even farther, and got into a huge fight, so big that, to make himself feel better he ran back to his ex and I told him to stay there, and he did. It was too late. He went back to a girl who was just as in love with him as I was. I haven't had the balls to tell him how in love with him I am and how I'd give anything in the world to just beg him to leave his girlfriend and come back to me. But it's too late. He graduated last weekend, he's getting ready to move back to his hometown, and she can give him everything he needs. Stability and commitment. I am afraid of commitment and Im so mentally unstable that I might be too much of a mess for him.

I wish this world was perfect and it was so easy to just express how we really feel. But fear is an ugly monster who keeps us from doing what we need to. If I could just be honest with my friends about how I feel about this whole situation, maybe it would make things easier. Give us a bridge to build on. They Are sad, and I'm sad, or they are happy without me and i'm sad, or vice versa. We could take a step forward. But instead fear traps us from what we want people to see. If I told Josh how I really feel, he might stay here an extra 6 months and we could really work on these strong feelings we have. I wish I knew how to fight the monster and let out the real Valerie. But until then, I will keep the screams inside and hope that things play out in my favor.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

What goes around comes around.

12/12/17

Theres a lot I dont believe in. I don't have faith. I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't believe in sleeping with socks or that family only means blood. But somethings I do believe in is true love, science, sleeping practically naked, friends can become family, and karma. What goes around, comes around. If you put a negative energy out in the world, you'll get it right back. Which made me start to think… What did I do? What was so bad that I received such a negative thing to happen? Was it sleeping with a guy who had a girlfriend? Was it all the attitude I gave my mom during the summer?

What I did, whatever it was, they can hate me all they want. I can get over that. I can get over getting kicked out and being ignored. But what I can't get over is people laughing at my misfortunes. The past few days my car has died on me and I've been stranded. The first time, I snapped chatted it and put it on my story. Dionne screenshotted that one. The second time, I was almost in the middle of the lane and there was nothing I could do. So I sat there waiting for a tow. But these firemen pulled over in their big red truck, and moved my car out of the middle of the lane and onto the shoulder. I was so thankful. So I snapchatted them and how they saved me while I was stranded. Joe screenshotted that one. The first time I witnessed them laughing about how I deserved it and how karmas a bitch, I couldn't see what they said when Joe snapchatted it because they kicked my roommate, Taylor, out of the group chat. But I can only imagine what they said. It sucks that people are saying I deserve to struggle. Ive struggled all my life and I've always kept it to myself and powered through it. I've always thought that i'll get through it and bad things happen to everyone. But I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't do anything to deserve this. But I hate feeling sorry for myself. But this is what this blog is all about. I'm trying to express my feelings in a new way since I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm so pathetic. Maybe one day someone will read these and understand me. Im a living, breathing contradiction. I know. I wish I had some clarity or closure to what happened, so then maybe I could understand why theyre so upset with me and why Im having such bad luck.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

Comprehensive Snake.

12/10/17

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. That's what my mom says but she takes it differently than most people. What my mom means is, life will always deals you lemons. Shitty or perfect. But either way, you can make lemonade.

I've been trying to make this shittiest lemonade of my life the past week. I lost all of my friends. They all hated me more than anything in the world. Let me be honest, of course my heart is crushed, my world is empty, and I wish I could go back in time to change whatever it was but for some reason I didn't. I don't know why they hate me so much. Yeah, Jenna gave me a little piece of it, but I just don't know what I said or did that could be this bad. If I didn't know how bad it really was, could I feel bad about it?

I didn't feel bad about it. I'm trying. I really am. But it's hard when I feel like i'm being isolated for no reason. I know how much they hate me and I just wish I knew why. I've seen group messages about me, (Taylor gave me his phone to look at the group chat, he was still in it). They were all so cold with what they were saying. Talking about how much they don't fuck with me anymore and how much of a bitch I am. I also read an instagram caption by Max that said and I quote, “this week we deleted the most comprehensive snake a lot of us has ever seen”. Me. The most comprehensive snake.

Me. Being the most comprehensive snake that any of of them have ever seen. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, once again. I was thinking about it and I think I was too open into trying to make friends. Desperate to belong that I lost myself and who I truly was along away. I didn't realize how evil I was being, I thought I was doing right about everyone by being such an open book. It happens so often where we lower ourselves and our ideals to fit in somewhere, that once we get there, it becomes hazy. It became so hard for me to tell from wrong and right. I never had people who were so secretive. Hell, I've never really been one for group dynamics. I've never had a ton of friends or been the most liked. I guess I didn't know how to handle all of these new things.

I don't want to make excuses for what I did or say I didn't do anything. I just wish I could've stopped it before it was too late or better yet, clear everything up with them right now. I had the slightest glimmer of hope the other night. Ryder.

Ryder was a close friend of mine. We had just started to become close, he was closer with other people last school year. He was one of those people that you thought you would know only because you lived down the hall from him, you'd never thought you would be drunk eating tacos at 4 am the following year. But that was the kind of friend Ryder was to me before the bomb. Ryder responded to my apology, and based off his responses, I believed that he wanted to fix things in the future. He said he wanted to work on it and just couldn't trust me right now. Which I understood. I didn't really message him too deeply, I wanted to give him and the rest of the group space. Other friends like, Jenna and Grace have been keeping in daily contact with me via snapchat.

I started to think that one day, we could get past all of this and maybe work things out to the way they used to be. But then I read the group chat again. They were making fun of how easy it was to trick me into thinking they still cared and that I had a chance with them again. They called people out for even talking to me. They want me to be completely and utterly cut off from any trace of their world.

I don't know if I should fight to stay in it or not. Should I keep a torch burning for this group I once called my family? Or should I move on and just let them go and if they come back, well “Oh Well”.  Many people have been telling me to just let them go. That I will be happy without them and I will make new friends. Better ones that don't corrupt my ideals and beliefs. Ones that won't take me from the person I once was. But I don't even know if the girl before this is still there anymore. Im covered in alcohol, stress, tears, cigarettes, and regrets. The girl I used to know would never touch a drop of alcohol or could be anywhere near the smell of a cigarette. But now my clothes smell like them, and sometimes I take comfort in the smell. I wonder what it would be like if I could mix the two people and see where life takes me. I just hope that after this war is over, and I can fully smile and say that I don't need them anymore. And one day, find myself again.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

Day 3 since the Atomic Bomb

Now that you have some background info, let me get into the real reason I started this blog.

Three days ago my life came crashing in on me. The walls caved in, the fire started, and the world became dark. I have never felt so empty and alone. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't leave the house for anything except buying cigarettes and smoking them. It's a sad cycle. A week ago my biggest worry was how I was going to have gas to get from my house to my friends apartment. Dionne, Donna, Brianna, Rachel, Jenna, Joe, and Grace all lived in the student living apartments on campus. Which was 20 minutes from Taylor and Is house. So my biggest worry was how I was going to see them and make it home everyday.

But now I have a full tank of gas and nowhere to go.

It started on Thursday. I got into the testing process for a job I have been waiting for my entire life. I decided to send it in the group chat. I expected to be told congratulations and how proud of me they were. I wanted them to tell me they were excited for me and they couldn't wait for me to actually get the position. But the exact opposite happened. No one responded.

Side bar. The app we use to communicate is a messaging app, called Telegram. On the app, you can see when people are online, and when people read your message. In group chats, you can see how many members are online. So as I'm staring at my own screenshot and text message to them, I see Joe, Briana, Grace, and Rachel come online and then go offline without a word. These 4 always comment on everything. They are the main ones to hype someone up. So it was out of character for all of them to just ignore the message. I decide to leave it be and think nothing of it.

So that night I have work, and i'm on my way there, I battle with my thoughts on the drive. I decide to let the monster inside me discover why people were ignoring my big news. I text Jenna, that I am upset and bitter. She responds quickly so my red flags come down, she is always the one to tell me the truth and to respond to me. So I proceed to tell her that I was being sensitive about no one responding to my news about my job. It hurt my feelings, and it really did. I shared something monumental in my life and I wanted to be praised for it. I wanted attention for a second. Everyone does this and I wanted it to be my turn.

Jenna asked me what was wrong, and I asked her the same question and if anyone was mad at me because I was being brutally ignored. I didn't get a rapid response which made my stomach turn. I decided to text Rachel as well, because I just had to know. Rachel always had all the info. She was a fly on the wall and she heard everything. So being the impatient bitch I am, I now waiting on two people to tell me what was up with everyone. I instantly received the cold shoulder from Rachel, she gave me a cold answer, when usually her all of her answers and replies are warm and welcoming. All she said was “What” when usually she would say “Of course, what's up?” something warm. When I saw the cold and lonely text message, my stomach sank, my eyes started to blur from anxiety, I knew something was wrong. Then as the world started to crumble by my own thoughts, Jenna texted me back.

Jenna's text confirmed everything I had been thinking. It was like the General sent the okay for the Atomic Bomb and the soldier pressed the button.

When I open her text message, I'm getting ready to start my shift, but the world felt like everything was gone. I didn't hear my co-worker anymore, when in reality he was rambling about his boyfriend. We were in the parking garage but I felt like I was in a dark room by myself. Jenna's text was a novel, it was so long that it took me 7 scrolls to get through. It was a novel about how upset everyone was with me. Jenna told me that they all got to talking the night before, (wednesday night), and figured out that I had been playing the sides of every story of every drama incident that had occurred for the last 3 months. That I was the reason that people hated Rachel, I was the reason that Rachel was border line suicidal, that I had betrayed everyone in the group. Jenna proceeded to tell me that no one wanted to address this to me, they were so upset that they didn't want to talk to me or see me or even deal with me. They were waiting until winter break to kick me out of every group chat, block me on every social media site, and completely cut me off.

I immediately put my phone down. My mind was racing so fast and so loud that I couldn't think. I couldn't even picture the hate that they saw me with. I immediately took myself out of every group chat. I didn't want to be in the group chats anymore if I wasn't wanted. The bomb had gone off, and the world had ended but the aftermath was only beginning.

After I left every group chat, I began to rack my mind on what Jenna was saying. What could she be talking about? I never made anyone hate Rachel. I never lied to anyone or exaggerated a story like she had claimed. I wasn't the reason their lives have been so dysfunctional like they thought. I didn't know I was the reason that Rachel was so depressed. I didn't know how hurt Jenna could be by me being upset because she was relapsing with coke.

One the points Jenna made was that I talk shit every time she fucks up with drugs or alcohol. It's true. I got mad and angry that someone so young, so beautiful, so bright, and someone I cared for so deeply put themselves in such a dangerous and sickening position. So yes, I would talk shit in the moment and say how done I was with her, and that was her last chance. But after I would rage for 5 minutes, I would always work it out with her. We would come up with a game plan to make her better. I thought that she knew how sincere I was.

I couldn't piece what they were saying about me. The fact that I only had a few facts ate me alive. Jenna said there was so much more. But she didn't tell me. No one was talking to me. So I only knew what Jenna told me.

I apologized to Jenna and Rachel first. Both of them blew me off after, saying that my apology means next to nothing. Then I proceeded to apologize to the rest of my friends. I sent them individual messages. Apologies.

Mind you, I was currently at work when all of this was going down. I'm not supposed to be on my phone. But I was, I had to apologize to everyone in that moment before I went home and change my mind. Because if I would've waited, I don't think I would've apologized. After I hand type every apology, all of them ignored it. Every one. Not one person (besides Jenna and Rachel) responded to me. They read it, but didn't respond.

I was in shock. No one wanted anything to do with me. When usually after work, even though I got off every Thursday technically Friday, at midnight, I would go hang out with my friends. We would have a smoke session. But this time and next week, and the week after, that wasn't happening. It crushed me. I decided to call my number one best friend from back home. Macy. Macy actually went to high school with Dionne, Joe, Brianna, Rachel, and Jenna. So she knows all about them and their drama. She made me feel better.

Macy, my mom, Jason (best friend), roommates (Karla and Jason #2), and Taylor all said the same thing. “This is petty bullshit drama and you don't need them. They'll get over it eventually don't sweat it.”

Now they all didn't say that exact same thing. But it was along those lines. Taylor can actually vouch for the fact that I never played both sides to every story. I was everyone's friend and I tried my hardest to keep everyone's problems separate and not to choose sides. But it got messy. It always does.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

Church and State

So one thing I should explain is Church and State. Church and State is a rule that the boys of “The group” made up when they founded their frat.

So let me introduce some new characters to my story. (only one is very important, not the other two. Hint hint the important one starts with M, so remember him)

Andrew, Des, and Max. These three went to highs chool with Jenna, Rachel, Dionne, Joe, and Brianna. So, Dionne, Joe, Andrew, Des, and Max re found a frat on our campus. 

Us girls were so excited for all of them and we really wanted to support them. So we always went to their booths on campus, donated, went to their “parties”, we became their groupies. Or sweethearts as many called us. ST will be the frats name, so we were called ST’s sweethearts. So when the boys started to recruit some guys we didn't know, they created Church and State.

Church and state is a rule that we can't date the new boys and the new boys can't date us. (ultimately Des, Dionne, Joe, Andrew, and Max couldn't tell us who we could date and who we couldnt, they just wanted to make sure there was no drama) So we agreed to it, at least some of us did.

Rachel and Brianna got into a huge fight this fall semester. They ruined their friendship over a dude. Not just any dude. An ST dude. One of the worst mistakes either of them have made.

Let me introduce, Jackson. Jackson was tall, handsome, funny, smart, kind, and a total frat boy. He was dreamy and had a nice smile. The kind of guy who can sweep anyone off their feet. He was too nice for his own good and cares too easily for people and tries to fix everyone. He is the perfect guy by some definitions.

He is hot. Smokin hot. All of us thought that when we met him. But none of us took it seriously except for Rachel and Brianna. Brianna actually developed some sort of flirtationship/relationship with the kid. (They now have been dating for 2 months) Meanwhile, Rachel was getting friend zoned but she was falling for the ST stud.

So our story begins with Brianna being so open about her feelings for Jackson, to me, Dionne, and Joe. We knew she liked him but she didn't tell anyone but us three. Respecting Brianna's feelings and trust, we kept it to ourselves. Church and State still applied to everyone. 

Dionne was a little more lenient on the subject but Joe was not. He wanted it to be kept in place.

Rachel has never had a boyfriend, never had a first kiss, never nothing. She has always been biggest sweetheart and the smarty pants. She thought, along with the rest of us, that Jackson was hot. But she never once told anyone how she really felt about him. My theory as to why no one knew she really liked him was because 

1. She didnt say anything to anyone.

2. She didnt really know how to flirt. 

The new semester (fall 2017) begins and we all go to the lake together for a three day weekend. On the last day, Brianna and Jackson actually become a thing. Jackson breaks up with his girlfriend (all the good ones have girlfriends) and starts to have an unofficial relationship with Brianna. When Rachel finds out about this, she becomes unglued. 

All hell broke loose.

A week passes after the lake, and Rachel felt betrayed and hurt by Brianna and started a war. She told me and several other people that Brianna knew the whole time that Rachel liked Jackson just as much as she did, but she didn't care. She didn't care that her best friend liked the same dude and went for him anyway. Rachel was so hurt by this and all of us had to watch. But I understood Brianna's side of the story as well, she didn't know Rachel's true feelings for Jackson. And if she had known, she would have never started things with him.

I then became entangled in the fight over Jackson. Brianna vs. Rachel. It was just a battle of friends. They didn't battle over the boy, Jackson only liked Brianna. But it was the question of Did Brianna know Rachel liked him? Before this incident I was much closer with Rachel than I was with Brianna. Brianna was a very closed off person and even though we had our moments of closeness, I still felt out of her inner circle. But when this all went down, she needed a friend. Joe, who is her number one best friend in the entire world, couldn't be there for her in her time of need. Why? Church and State, Joe was close with Jackson and Rachel and wanted to remain completely neutral.

(Church and State was not applied anymore for Brianna and Jackson because they had really liked each other.)

It was a battle for weeks between them. They would talk it out, but it was like taking a step forward but then two steps back. They would talk but then it would come out that Brianna would sneak over to Jackson's, or Rachel said she was okay with them being together, but she really wasn't. So they were in this constant battle of fighting for trust and understanding.

I unfortunately got a little messy in between. I tried my hardest to remain friends with both Brianna and Rachel. I wanted the best for both of them and I wanted them to be okay but I didn't know how to do that in the best way. I guess the way I thought was okay, which was trying to be a good friend to both parties by telling them everything, was cruel and I fucked up and played both sides of every story. I never intended for that to happen. All I wanted was to be a good friend to both people. Rachel and Brianna meant a lot to me but I guess I should've been like Jackson and chosen only one.

[nicotineandtears-blog]

The Prologue.

It's been 2 nights since my whole world came to an burning end. I had lost all 14 of my friends within the matter of a few hours and I had no idea it happened. I found out after they decided to vote me off the island. Why? That’s the burning question in my head.

That may sound stupid and like an excuse, but I promise you, it's not. I don't know what I did, I dont even know what Im being accused of all I know is theyre upset with me and dont want to speak or see me. But I guess before I get to that part I should explain some backstory.

It started last year. I came to college to sort of become “my own” as my mom would say. Did I want to move 8 hours away from all of my friends? leave my family? No. All of my friends were 20 or 21 and going to the university in my hometown. They all were starting their careers and we all shared the same dream. My friends and I spent more time together than we needed to. We were inseparable. But me, being the 18 year old baby of the group, with my mother in my ear, I moved 8 hours away with no friends.

I hated my life, and when I say hate, I'm not being dramatic. It seemed as if no one understood me. I didn't have friends who shared the same ideals and dreams as me (which is actually very important FYI), I had no family, the food was horrible, it was about 15 degrees colder at all times and the beds were extremely small. But anyways, I hated my life. Till one day I decided to get in contact with an old friend from middle school. I saw she was attending the same Uni and I thought it would be cool to reconnect. Which it was, when I went to her dorm room, I instantly felt a connection and group dynamic between her friends and roommates.

That night was the start of a beautiful nightmare.

We all became so close within the matter of months. Me, Jenna, Briana, Donna, Dionne, Joe, Grace, and Rachel. These are the main characters of the this story and my daily diary entry and for privacy reasons I chose not to use their real names. There was 15 of us in total but those are the main ones you need to remember as I vent on here. But anyways, yes we all became a very close knit group, laughing every chance we got, getting dinner together every night, studying together, hanging between classes, walking to classes, going out on the weekend, or even staying in on the weekend. We were always together.

At first it was really hard for me to blend in with the group because they all went to high school with Jenna. Grace and I went to high school together (and eventually got really close but we will get there) and actually requested to be roommates with each other, we just weren't that close on a personal level at first. We were both very quiet and reserved people and didn't like to be public about our feelings. But with the majority of the group having gone to high school together, it was hard to blend easily. They had all these inside jokes and memories. They knew each other so well.

It's not that I was jealous of that, cause I wasn't. I missed my friend group. I didn't want to start over and blend with these people. I barely knew them. I was so different from everyone else. I didn't like secrets and it was apparent that this group had A LOT of them. They hid secrets from each other so easily it was 2nd nature. It was hard to accept and be apart of that. I dont show my feelings very well, I don't like expressing when I'm sad, mad, or something offends me. I have a thick skin and nothing gets to me. It's the way I was raised and brought up. 

Group chats was also an adjustment. This group ran and operated under one thing. Group chats. They had group chats for everything and that's how they all communicated. If only a few of us were going to the student union, there was a group chat about that. If someone annoyed the majority of the people in the room, someone would make a group chat specifically about that annoying person. The members of that group chat would then make fun of the person being talked about it right then and there. (DISCLAIMER; Im not innocent of this by any means, I did everything that I will explain about this group but it was an adjustment and chipped away a piece of who I really was as I made it my normal) I hated group chats in high school. I hated all the notifications and how many conversations would go on at once. It seemed like nothing could get done. And that's exactly how it happened with this group. So many messages that it was easy to miss plans.

If someone was left out of certain plans it was the end of the world. Even it was posted in the group chat, talked about for 45 minutes, and made a solid plan, if someone missed the messages, wasnt online, or couldn't make it, we were horrible friends and they would make a scene about it. (This is what I mean when I talk about sensitive)

Now, I was desperate to find where I belonged. At that time, I had no where or no one. So I made sure that I belonged in this group. I changed my views and ideals on things. I put my dreams on hold. All to fit into a group who then later chewed me up and spit me out without a second thought. But I was so blinded by wanting to be accepted, I actually made it in and they became my normal and I became theirs.

Before I move on to a new topic, there is something you should know. The group, one of their favorite pastimes was, shit talking. They shit talked about absolutely everything and everyone, including members of the group. If someone annoyed them, if someone wore an ugly color, if someone looked at us funny, etc. You get the point.

From the moment I entered, I knew there was something off about them and there was shadiness within the group. 

I did my best and actually became really close with Jenna again. We were both a mess and didn't want to be in that boring city, if you could even call it that. It was like we were in middle school again, fan girling over stupid boys, making stupid jokes about anything and everything, and spending hours on end together. It was nice to have one of my close friends again. I felt normal and it was like a piece of home. But It was very apparent that other people in the group didn't fuck with her as heavily as I did hence a shadiness that I mentioned earlier. I tried my best to stay out of it. But it got messy a long way. But my point is, they talk so much shit, even about each other.

Now I had a hidden paradise within all of this high school drama madness was, Taylor. I met Taylor at freshman orientation, we were in the same group and we partnered up in a game and dominated together without knowing anything about each other. That's when we knew we were meant to be together. The best part of Taylor was he loved guys just as much as I did. So we were a match made in heaven. We were competitive, stubborn, funny, smart, driven, insensitive, and both loved men. After orientation, I expected to never really see him again, we exchanged each other's numbers but I didn't expect to become close. I never do with those kind of encounters. But turns out we were destined to be together and once again faith did its job. We ended up just a few doors down from each other in the same dorm hall and on the same floor. What are the odds of that.  We saw each other everyday and I honestly never got tired of his presence. We think alike and hes is very blunt and honest about everything. He didn't like to express how he felt and he didn't like secrets. So we got along very well. (Now I am actually roommates with him in a house) 

He was my escape and my little paradise. I could tell him anything and he would either agree with me or give me his honest opinion. I think what I like most about him is that he reminds me of my true self. Even though I didnt realize this until recently. He reminds me of the old Valerie. 

I tried to bring him around the group but they hated him. Taylor is complicated for people who don't have a complex mind. He is too smart for his own good, he literally knows everything about everything, and at times it could get really annoying, but it's charming, he doesn't show emotion and he's very robotic. He doesnt like to be wrong, but does anyone? You could say that Taylor and the group were the same but the group does not admit when they're wrong and anyone who isnt in their inner circle, is irrelevant. They were right and never wrong. But Taylor, he was hardly ever, ever, ever wrong but when he was, he owned up to it. So Taylor was hated for how strong of a person he was, something I was afraid to be around these people.

This group was the death of a girl I use to call Valerie. No thats not my real name. (I refuse to use real names.) I ruined myself and everything I believed in and tried to accomplish, but I'm definitely not innocent in all this either. I destroyed my friendship with them without even meaning to. Its hurt me more than I expected. Their is an emptiness inside me, I feel alone. My whole life for the past year is now gone except for a few pieces. Its like it never happened and they never came into my life. They vanished so quickly and I didnt get the chance to even say goodbye. But after some thinking and long deliberation, I came to the conclusion that they damaged me just as much as I damaged them.