nicktungle

[nicktungle]

Last Haiku of 2017

You are not a mess I don’t need apologies We’re only human.

———————————————— Happy past year. Happy New Year.

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This was the first time I'd ever seen a sunset from an airplane. My damn, I nearly shed a tear.

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The healthiest thing you can do is live a life full of positive action and positive intent.

- Unknown

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"And Mama call me, tell me coming home And I just need some guidance in my steps I know I'm not the only one alone I know I'm not the only one who felt" Got soooo much love for the man Zaywop. These songs carried me through the darkest of times. For that, I thank you @isaiahrashad Peace and Love to all tonight deep in the feels ❤️🙏🏽 #isaiahrashad #tde #cilviademo #thesunstirade (at The Observatory North Park)

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Lazy doge

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HE'S SO HAPPY

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Meet Plato, the Goldendoodle

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Weekend 7

After three weeks straight filled with midterms, quizzes, and assignments, I gave myself a 3 day weekend. I've had a handful of three-day weekends before, but this weekend felt significantly longer....I mean, we started Thursday night so I suppose that adds to it. Filled with spontaneity and working with what weather this weekend gave us, we decide to pack as much as we can, and oh boy we did. By Saturday night we were completely exhausted. But a good kind of exhaustion. However, today as Sunday rolls in, I woke with a heart heavier than most days and a mind dragging by like a zombie through empty streets. Perhaps due to the lack of rest. Or perhaps more-than-usual avenues weighed heavier on my conscience. One thing I've come to understand about myself when I get this way is because of disappointment. I set a few goals this weekend, to begin these two new books on my work table, to catch up with life in terms of laundry, organizing my areas, etcetera. However, a weekend filled with sloppy nights distracted me from that. Which I don't regret either, but overconsumption leads to these moments. Tonight, I'm sitting here in my living room mess with soft music filling the empty crevices and reflecting on the things I need to prioritize better. I just finished my first meditation session and I feel much, much better. Which enabled me to reach out to a great friend in the Philippines right now to discuss future travel plans, life, and positive productive energy. I take it all in tonight and tomorrow shines a new day. I still can't believe how blessed I am. Peace and love to all, wishing you the best, Future friend. I'll get to you soon.

[nicktungle]

Path [cont’d]

Blessings upon blessings, I can’t seem to keep up. Everything is I “can’t” this or that. Why do we think that way? Why is my mind specifically so wired to have the perspectives of can’t’s and won’t’s with the inability to process positivity when they slide up my stream? Anyways. I am trying to process all these things as they come and I believe that my vessel, my threshold, is constantly being changed, altered, tested--that is why we say “can’t.” Which is beautiful in itself with a little hint of somberness.  As I’ve mentioned before, I have been on a spiritual journey. The end goal? Who really knows, however, I feel as if the universe is constantly pushing me toward this path. No longer am I cautiously treading through this metaphorical tunnel with the light at the end of the tunnel. Rather, I am my light; no longer at a stride to escape, I am slowly pacing with the ability to see the things--blessings, curses, inanimate objects within arms-length radius. To my left and right are my tools, behind me are the lessons learned, and in front of me--the rest of the path needed to be un/covered. One consistent theme, perhaps I may also be looking too much into it, or perhaps not. Infinite signs are given to us on the daily, it is only up to us to see the message and decipher its meaning, or to simply allow them to pass and not think twice about. What I am trying to say is that what I have chosen to understand about this path are these few instances that I may or may not be reading too deeply into. Enough with the vague dialogues, here are the events that I am going to list and continue to add to as the rest of this path unfolds. Signs of the universe nudging me onto my spiritual journey: 1. Aligning myself with myself allowed the universe to play its role and take over without any of my [direct] influence (subjective; by wavelengths) and pushed me into a world of spirituality to be experienced in 21 days--getting to know myself, my role in mother nature’s world, and the thresholds constrained by years of societal conditioning to be questioned and surpassed.

2. Through this experience, my wavelength crossed paths with meeting Vence. My homie, my spiritual brother, the person who had knowledge of this unexplainable feeling I’ve always had but to put into concrete terms and lessons to be learned and expressed. A week spent with Vence and Dean truly pushing each other to our limits and reaching a few of the highest peaks in California with little-to-no sleep and not only striding through them, but also taking moments, days, weeks to truly reflect upon each mountain and their effects on us physically, mentally, and spiritually. What did each of them mean to us? That week is probably one of my favorite weeks in my entire life. The duration of each climb building my heart and mind with so much energy and to be dispersed at each peak, whether through sweat, deep breaths inward and out, and/or tears. I’m not ashamed to cry at a mountain top. I’m not ashamed to cry tears of joy anywhere for that matter anymore. This was what it felt to truly feel.

3. Following these days, I was inspired once again by my spiritual brother to revisit The Alchemist. Nights spent reflecting upon our experiences, we constantly came back to figure out the goal: what is our purpose here? What is your personal legend? I think it is extremely important to once in a while revisit the things that have once inspired us because as we grow, so does our perspectives. With each visit, we notice other meanings within the same words we’ve read multiple times that take on different meanings, new perspectives that become relevant to who we are today, tomorrow, whenever and whatever it is that we were/are searching for in that moment. 4. Upon finishing The Alchemist, I was also recommended Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. The story of a man’s journey through “finding” enlightenment within the boundaries of mankind and our relationship with ego, greed, hunger, temptation. I brushed off the recommendation because I was still allowing Santiago’s story to set in. However, a few months later, another friend completely unexpected and unrelated once again nudged me to read the story of Siddhartha. So I did. And I’m glad I read it when I read it because only then was it that much more relevant to my days.

5. On a late-night conversation with my loving mom, I expressed to her the issues that I was dealing with--experiences no mother would want to hear from their child--depression, anxiety, hopelessness, distant. She hugged me tenderly. My eyes swelled with tears. She told me she too once felt the feelings I described. I love her, with all of my being, all of my soul, all of my energy beyond this physical plane. Upon completing Siddhartha, my mother summoned a book from her library, The Art of Happiness, a handbook graced by the Dalai Lama.  6. Months later, we all receive an email. The Dalai Lama himself will be speaking at the graduation ceremony of 2017. Coincidence? Maybe. Affected? Absolutely. 7. Every other day I feel like I am going through some type of existential crisis. Constantly wondering where I am going to be after this is all over, constantly questioning if I’ve made the ‘right’ career path, constantly engulfed by every insecurity going on through every early 20-year-old soon-to-be graduated college student during a quarter-life crisis. 

Which leads me to meeting Jumpei. At attempts to keep busy and work toward where I want to be--the considered “safe zone” in this capitalistic society, I study or research music and the various avenues to “succeed”. With my favorite coffee shop getting incredibly busy during this part of the season with college kids sprinkled everywhere, it has increasingly become difficult to find a seat nowadays. One table, in a row of individual tables aligned a long bench, was open, so immediately I sat down and began to construct my workstation. About a half hour into my studies, the Japanese kid in a flashy suit next to me asked what I was studying. Macroeconomics, I replied. “What is your dream”, he asked. Thinking to myself, “that’s a loaded question for a stranger, who is this guy?” I stopped and asked myself that question. Unable to come up with an answer, I was startled. Everybody has a dream. Kids have limitless dreams. Why can’t I think of even just one that can bring me some type of satisfaction? In a string of stutters and verbal circles, ‘I don’t know’ I defeatedly admitted. He said, “It’s okay, I didn’t know how to answer that either when I was asked.” And began describing what he is also trying to figure out in his own life as a recent college graduate. Apparently, he was currently under a mentorship of a couple who retired at 33 years old, who asked him the same question which made him come to realize his biggest fear: not knowing what his ideal life, his dream, was. They have been teaching him how to manage his income and helping him learn the foundations toward future endeavors to be able to do the same--knowledge of building assets, understanding investments, understanding fiscal responsibility, ultimately to become self-sustainable and financially secure. We shared stories. He offered to introduce me and also become students of them and gain some experience before entering the dreaded workforce under corporate america. We shared contact info. I thought to myself, well shit, my questions may have been answered. This may lead to a possible job or whatever the fuck after. Maybe I’m not shit out of luck after all.

8. After a night spent consumed in studies and metaphysical contemplations, I came home to my roommate and his co-workers hanging about in our living room, hookah smoke in the air and glass bottles on the counter. A few exchanges of good-natured banter and “locker-room” talk amongst all of us, I expected nothing but a night left with shallow humor and laughs. Never have I been so wrong. Iraj, the 47 year-old Iranian electrical engineer, began discussing the processes of energy--neither able to be created nor destroyed--and his understandings/perception of the process of how the universe works due to an epiphany from a weekend spent with mushrooms in his undergraduate days. The simple alteration of our minds and the way we perceived things, he said, is the greatest gift you can give yourself. The way he described to us his experiences and the revelations he experienced through years of meditation and introspective thoughts, stuck to me. He said to us, each of us, to the core, is love. Energy is love. We are not to seek or feel, but to be love. Love as an entity of its own, not to be mistaken with romance, we are it. Everyone is it. Neither able to be created nor destroyed, we as individuals and a collection are energy. We are love. And much much more. Furthering the archive of book recommendations, he threw more titles at us to read. I willfully accepted and thanked. 9. Sitting marinated in those thoughts for a few weeks, I continued to bask in all of these ideologies. I’ve come to understand that the fundamental purpose of life is to understand. To be. The purpose which drives us. The final goal of every conscious being on this planet is simply to be at peace. Monks have been practicing this ideology for ages. 10. Jumpei constantly kept me updated with the times he’d meet with Mike and his wife (I forgot her name), and continue to share what he’s learned from them, on top of his day job as a sales representative. 2/22, I met up with him for some coffee while I study for my next midterm and for him to teach me what he has been learning. It’s a simple change in the way we think as a collective, he stresses. The initial lesson began with asset building with settings of a monopolistic firm, proceeding to multiple firms of different depths and markets following the same constraints of a monopolistic firm basically alluding to multiple sources of income. That’s the key, Mike stresses. The atmosphere shifts and we begin conversing on other topics, again reflecting upon self-fulfillment. I come to find out that this money hungry dude is not just some money obsessed guy. Jumpei has an interesting background being from Japan with its intense societal structures and being raised by his grandparents owning a spiritual healing and crystal business. And that all of these money-making plans is just a game to him to break through and out of the system of capitalist consumerism. This kid in an extremely well-tailored suit and flashy watch admits all of this shit means nothing to him. Once, he was a free roaming, dreaded-haired spirit roaming through Thailand as a yogi doing all he can to align himself with the energies toward enlightenment. The same verses spoken by Iraj, the 47 year old electrical engineer. At this point, my mind was spinning, as I shared the same sentiments. The universe works in some fucking incredible ways. He said, look man, I believe we both run on the same vibrations and the universe has united us as indigo beings to question this threshold and increase these wavelengths to higher heights. He believes it’s not a coincidence I sat by him that day and he felt that. We’re spiritual brothers, he continued. That’s why I want to share these things I’m learning with you. There’s more work to be done outside of this game. I laughed to myself as my chest began to tremble nervously and eagerly simultaneously. As for myself, I’m all for skepticism when it comes to crystal healings and whatnot, but I do believe in spiritual connections and magnetic draws in our vibrations. This path I have set upon, fully allowing the universe to take me toward whichever direction, following the omens as Santiago did, questioning but also trusting in myself as Siddhartha has, has led me to this point. I’m on a spiritual journey, who knows where it is heading toward, but I take it all in. And I’m treading these waters carefully, cautiously, and willfully. The metaphorical tunnel I am leading, what I’ve come to understand as, is no test with a light at the end. But rather an unlit road with myself being my light, only able to see an arm-lengths radius surrounding me, but becoming increasingly brighter as I recruit others and awaken them along the path to join with their respective lights becoming a brighter force and shining further to see more of our perimeter as we continue further. [tl;dr] My trip towards enlightenment [influenced out of my control]: 1. I let go and ended up going on a road trip that i didn't suggest nor plan but pushed me onto a path of spirituality unknowingly. 2. Met Vence and Dean and increased my knowledge and understanding of energy. 3. Revisited The Alchemist that allowed me to reflect internally what I believe my purpose to be 4. Read Siddhartha after multiple recommendations which helped me understand what it means to become enlightened and question myself on what it means to me 5. Allowed myself to be vulnerable with my mother about my inner demons, which she suggested a new read by the Dalai Lama 6. Months later finding out the Dalai Lama will be speaking at our commencement ceremony 7. Met Jumpei, what I perceived at the time to be a business connection 8. Learned from Iraj, a 47 year old electrical engineer who used his understanding of physics and applied them to meta-physics and shared with us his thoughts toward enlightenment 9. Grasped the multiple concepts and marinated in thought introspectively to what it means to me and how it is incorporated into everyday life 10. Met with Jumpei once again on a business meeting and learning he too, has been traveling his spiritual journey for years with a background heavily influenced by yogi and meditation. Indigo Children. Spiritual brothers, is what he refers us to be. Find peace. Seek happiness. Become love. My friends, take it all in. Much love to you all.

[nicktungle]

2/21, Tuesday

In the final days of 2016, I reminisced upon the goals I wanted to do for myself–nothing monumental in particular or any rhetorical ambiguous milestones, more so about the habits I wanted to begin or continue to do more of that I’ve discovered to sway me along a certain wavelength.

I’ve discovered that a mug of hot tea, green or black, in the morning sets my day off in such a peaceful way I can hardly begin to explain. Palms pressing against the walls of my favorite black and blue stained ceramic mug, cradling the warmth radiating through the gaps between my fingers–mirroring somewhere in between the searing heat of pavement underneath barefooted toes on a hot summer’s day and the scolding hot fillings of a freshly baked pie pulled straight from the oven, invoking feelings of both pleasure and pain dancing along a risky frayed thread of some beginning stage of masochism. Jazzy, soulful voices of Corinne Bailey Rae, Norah Jones, or Mama Badu fills the air through the towers surrounding my position. Before taking a sip, as some type of obsessive compulsive ritual, I dip the tea bag five times, stir it clockwise three times around the circumference of the mug and bring it up about an inch away from my mouth and about two-and-a-half inches below my nostrils–enough space for the aromas to be inhaled through both my mouth and my nose. This feeling is one of my favorite feelings in the world. I wish there was a word to describe it. Similar to picking up a freshly baked pizza and sitting in the passenger seat with the box burning the tops of your thighs through your jeans while the smell of freshly baked herbs and bread fills every inch of dead space in the car, where each whiff takes you an inch toward nirvana and the anticipation of each bite–or sip–gives you a taste of what one would expect enlightenment to be felt as. With the index finger of my left hand firmly pressing the thread against the mug to keep the pouch of herbs from falling in, I take a sip. Tilting the mug toward my face, the steam rising fogs up my spectacles and I question what is actually blurring my vision: the steam coating the transparent lens of my glasses or the transparency of my conscience? I set the cup in my lap and fall deep into the tweed cushions of my couch letting it cradle me, supporting every fibre of muscle and bone in my body completely, bobbing my head to the ensemble of trumpets and saxophones, snares and hi-hats, bass and falsettos, entirely immersed in every quarter-note vibrating through me. With my eyes closed, I feel as if my entire being is taken away into another dimension dancing along a musical staff with each element taking their turns individually lifting me all toward the same direction. I take it in, I take it all in and ride the wave. I set a goal to have a cup of hot tea every morning before I step into the what chaos the day has in store for all of us. I have already gone through about 4 boxes of jasmine green tea and have been alternating between that and this peach-black tea I found the other day.  I also wanted to start writing more. Documenting my thoughts and expressing myself through this medium more consistently. Writing has allowed me to not only expand my vocabulary but also keep my thoughts structured and organized, ultimately preventing me from losing my mind. It’s been a nice outlet.

It’s safe to say that the two main goals I set for myself have been, so far, successfully incorporated into my immediate lifestyle. I’m diggin it. Much love and peace, future dude.

[nicktungle]

This photo was taken about a month ago on a spontaneous weekend trip to the nearby museum of contemporary art. What I was feeling in that moment has stuck with me since; feelings of inspiration, warmth, peace, love, all of that and is truly reflective of how I am feeling tonight. Once again, I was third-wheeling (which pretty much sums up most of my escapades nowadays), but it was beautiful. Sure, my cynicism toward “love” and “romance” may have taken most of my thoughts toward that now, but in general, it is still an amazing feeling to witness in others. One of my best friends, Shayan, shot this photo of me when I was far gone in the depths of my mind on this trip while his lady was lingering around nearby. Tonight, I find myself incredibly thankful for these experiences and inspired to continue along the path we’re all trekking on. If it is one theme that has been constant so far in this year, it is to love yourself. Also, I aced a midterm. SUGGIT ECON DEPARTMENT.