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How To Lose The League In 10 Days

Yes sports fans that’s right, NF Fell is almost upon us once again as we enter the final 10 days of the off-season. That means you have only two more weeks of contented sleep on a Monday, Thursday and Sunday. Get that rest in now, boys.

As we embark on yet another season of turmoil, trades, tension and triumph I thought the best thing to start off on would be a look back at our draft from one year ago. Specifically, I have analysed and scrutinised the predictions that we all made. Dusting off the manilla envelope I was treated to a plethora of, quite frankly, obvious and safe selections. We really are a cautious bunch. So I hope you enjoy pie charts because you’re about to see a whole load of them.

The Quarterbacks

Usual suspects was the choice here and all three had a mixed bag of a season. Brady finished #3 QB on the year, Rodgers (#28) spent most of the season on the treatment table and Brees (#12) opted not to throw the football letting Alvin Kamara run the show. Alex Smith (#1) and Russell Wilson (#2) completed the top three with Tommy Boy.

The Running Backs

Johnson, Gordon and Bell were the go-to-guys for our running back selections (there’s a theme developing here) with DJ proving the overall favourite for that illustrious top spot. However, much like A-Rod, David spent almost the entire season laid out sitting at #122 on the year. Bell (#4) and Gordon (#5) had stonking good years but the top three consisted of Todd “Don’t Call Me’ Gurley (#1), Kareem Hunt (#2) and Alvin Kamara (#3)

The Wide Receivers

A touch more variety for the wideouts with all of the typical names you’d expect to see right? 

Right? 

RIGHT?!? 

NO! 

NOT RIGHT! 

How in the ever loving fudge did no one choose Bad Bad Antonio Brown? In fact our choices were all outside the top 5. Julio (#6) and Green (#9) did what they do best and Michael Thomas (#14) fared reasonably well considering Drew Brees forgot how to throw. Odell (#91), much like Rodgers and Johnson, was the victim of a season curtailing injury but Mike Evans (#25) was just downright poor. Though it’ll swing back round this year, right Nick? The top three ended up as Brown (#1), Tyreek Hill (#2) and D-Hop (#3).

The Tight Ends

Ahh, back to good old predictability and rightly so. Gronk and Kelce were the overwhelming favourites with both finishing #1 and #2 respectively. Zach Ertz (#3) rounded out the top three but the real anomaly here is that there was a lone selection for walking concussion protocol, Jordan Reed. Where did he rank I here you ask? 

42nd

The Rookies

Finally were come to the rookies. We’ve already discussed one of the names on here, Kareem Hunt who finished as the #2 running back and unsurprisingly the #1 rookie. Leonard Fournette (#3) makes the top three and Joe Mixon finished a respectable 9th amongst fellow fresh faces. Dalvin Cook was the favourite to be top rookie and likely would have come close save for yet another devastating injury. Harbingers of Doom we most certainly are. Despite missing a large part of the season Cook managed to make the top 20 landing in 18th place. Finishing off the top three with Hunt (#1) and Fournette (#3) was the aforementioned Alvin Kamara (#2).

Now that concludes our player selections, on to the NFL picks.

The Superbowl Winner

No mention of the Eagles, the less said about the Raiders the better but at least we mostly recognised that the Patriots would at least get there.

The Superbowl Runner-Up

Again, no Eagles but a mixed bag nonetheless. Chiefs were a very good shout considering how well they played, Alex Smith in particular and the Falcons and Seahawks showed a lot of quality as well. The Giants smells a bit like wishful thinking.

Last Place Team - NFL

What a miserable few years it has been for the Browns, Hue Jackson’s coaching record sits at 1-31. Ouch. So a few picked the Browns to be dead last. Most went with the Jets, they weren’t far off sitting in 27th, including Mr Farrell. Where was that pie in the sky Superbowl pick Stephen? 49ers finished 24th. Incidentally, the Giants were 31st.

Lastly we come to the predictions we made against one another. The Champion, the Defeated Finalist and the Alan Gibbons Memorial Trophy Winner. 

The Champion

There was a lot of money wagered on Nick becoming the first back-to-back NFFell Champion and rightly so based on the previous season. However, the weight of that enormous pressure tolled and Nick missed out on a place in the final. Crin and Colly, the eventual finalists, were identified early on by some astute owners and in a moment of madness, someone also put down Stephen.

The Defeated Finalist

The voting for the runner-up had Colly firmly in place, his strong draft and trading seemingly making it obvious that he would make the final and boy did he whooping the league 11-3. Showing the fine margins of the league, Kendrick and myself also appear (thanks Nick). Though you can’t knock his confidence, Dan’s vote for himself seems a little tongue in cheek knowing what we know now.

The Alan Gibbons Memorial Trophy Winner

And finally, the wooden spoon. Three quarters of then league correctly picking out a ‘finalist’ of the last place playoff, the only way is up gentlemen. Credit to Tony Crinnion for rising above his prediction of being a relegation candidate, storming into the final.

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Trades, Picks and Roster Changes

Now that the dust has settled on the season and Americans everywhere are slowly accepting that Donald Trump really is their president the franchise owners are slowly accepting that Dolly really is the champion, it is important to take stock of what has worked, what has not and firmly point our gaze forward so we can quickly forget this entire ordeal.

It goes without saying that there are lots of league issues that need to be discussed. A lot has been spoken about in the many meet ups that have taken place over the festive period. The feedback and suggestions I’ve received have been varied. It may be that we have to take a vote on some of these issues however most of that can wait until we are nearer to next season’s draft - things like FAAB, roster sizes and bench spots.

The one item that can’t wait until then is the decision regarding trades and trading. An idea that has been suggested and that I now propose is that the trade window is closed until after the NFL Rookie draft on April 26th-28th. Depending on where offensive players are drafted the value of current NFL players could change significantly and it would be unfortunate to trade for a previously solid RB only to find Saquon Barkley drafted to the same franchise.

In addition to rookies being drafted to NFL teams there are also potential implications for a number of currently rostered players who are on the verge of entering free agency unless new terms are offered. 

QB

Kirk Cousins

Drew Brees

Case Keenum

RB

Le’Veon Bell

Dion Lewis

Jerick McKinnon

Isaiah Crowell

Carlos Hyde

Rex Burkhead

Peyton Barber

Alex Collins

WR

Jarvis Landry

Terrelle Pryor

Josh Gordon

Sammy Watkins

Allen Robinson

Donte Moncrief

TE

Jimmy Graham

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Week 11 Match-up Reviews

Week 11 hits the history books as we hurtle towards the playoffs and of course the other playoffs. As the stakes get higher, the frustrations get greater and decisions ever more costly. Like a healthier heroin, the drug that is fantasy football seems to suck us back in every time chasing that insatiable high that was your first win.

Game 1  Low Fell Beckham Juniors   96.10 Get Your Jones On   103.96

The NF Fell equivalent of a six pointer, this was a tense affair that could have seen Dolly clawed back or further cement his standing in the playoffs. Unfortunately for Nick it was the latter as GYTO scraped through by 7 points with a late victory in the Monday night game. Having the enviable decision of selecting from the #1 quarterback or the #2 quarterback, it was a decision that the Juniors lived to regret as Alex Smith and the Chiefs were beaten in overtime by the Giants. 

Hang on. That doesn’t seem right. 

Yet it proved so and not only were the Chiefs beaten by the Giants, they were held to 9 points, all field goals, and intercepted Alex Smith twice. The Chiefs royally shit the bed in this one making it 4 losses in their last 5 games. On the other side of the fence, old faces came back to haunt the Juniors as Tom Brady treat the Mexicans to a fiesta as the Pats dismantled the Raiders. Tommy boy smashed in a hat trick of touchdowns making him the only player started in this match-up to score over 20 points. 

Tom Brady running through plays with Gronk and Amendola.

Game 2  Scram Crowder   120.10 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof   118.96

Another game with a ton riding on it as this tie had the unofficial title of the “I can convince myself its going to happen for another week”... final. The winner would land themselves on 4-7 with a mathematical chance of still making the playoffs, however slim. Not one to get carried away, it was “soon to be crowned NF Fell Champion of the World” Scram Crowder that squeeked through with a narrow victory. Staring down the barrel of a sizable points haul from Big Ben, the Crowds (I’m pretty sure that’ll catch on) went in to the match-up playing catch-up but were helped massively by  another all guns blazing display from the Saints. Marky Mark Ingram carried on his hot streak with another masterful display and Big Drewey B managed to throw the ball this week after being a lazy prick last time out. The unsung heroes however remain the Jags D who have probably, definitely scored more touchdowns than Blake Bortles this season. The Dog’s will be looking elsewhere for their running back needs as Miami’s Kenyan was less Drake more Chris Brown this week as his embarrassing display will have felt like a slap in the face.

There’s nothing pants about Mark Ingram’s current form

Game 3 This Drew Shall Pass   123.30 Tebows Before Hoes 3000   69.90

With a points return that was more offensive than offense, Tebows won’t look back on this match-up with any great deal of fondness. His entire team managed to score a measly two touchdowns both coming from the Chargers D who accounted for more than 1/3 of the total points haul. The endzone was clearly lava as far as his offensive weapons were concerned with no one covering themselves in any glory. This Drew Shall Pass will be more than happy with his rabble, especially messrs Keenum, Howard and Cooks. Howard ended up on the losing side against Detroit when the Bears looked all set for overtime. With a field goal in the final seconds, well within range it was down to Connor Barth to send the game into extra time. The snap was good, the hold was good, the kick was not. Bears lost and Barth was waived however he missed the door by 15 yards.

The Bears are widening their search to ‘Europe’ as they have yet to find Barth’s ball.

Game 4 AK-49   113.98 ABC Easy as RG3   175.12

How to have your weekend ruined before it has even began. Play Antonio Brown on a Thursday when he finally goes ape shit. 144 yards and 3 touchdowns was enough to do it. Brown scored as many TD’s on Thursday as he had all season. The Titans had no answer adopting the unusually risky tactic of not fielding any defensive players and therefore everything went through him. It was impressive from the ABC franchise as all but Des Walker scored touchdowns resulting in a wide margin of victory. Where Big Ben had an easy time putting his balls into Antonio’s hands, the same can not be said for Brett ‘the Shitman’ Hundley. Finding new and exciting ways of making Green Bay abysmal, this week Hundley helped the Ravens to shut the Cheeseheads out in their own back yard for the first time in 11 years. Despite having strong weapons in his offense, Hundley has been atrocious in his 4 starts, with Jordy Nelson totally 92 yards across those four games. Jordy will be eager for next season to come around so he can link up with BFF Aaron Rodgers again as clearly he and Hundley need to see other people. With their relationship on the brink of collapse, Jordy will be able to comfortably say to Brett “It’s not me, it’s you”.

“You’re my first, my last, my every down...”

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Week 10 Match-up Reviews

It might be fair to say at this point we saw the playoff dreams die for three of the franchises after results across the league ensured that there is now a 3 game gap with only four more rounds of matches to go. It isn’t an impossible task, just an improbable one.

Game 1 Scram Crowder    122.06 Low Fell Beckham Juniors    >122.06

Bye weeks, injuries and suspension. Some of the absolute worst. So bad in fact that it forced LFBJ into a difficult position. With no Zeke or Mike Evans due to suspension and Will Fuller essentially redundant after Watson went and knacked himself, Nick was forced to hit the waiver to plug a gap. Good thing for him he had versatile Hollywood actor James Woods with nothing in the diary for Sunday eve. Goff and the Rams have been nothing short of spectacular in recent weeks and walked all over a Savage looking Houston Texans whose playoff push is rather elementary since Watson was KO’d. Rather frustratingly Woods decided to shaft the Texans D with an absurd 171 yards and 2 touchdowns. All in a week where Ingram and the Saints decided to take up residence in the Bills Red Zone which ultimately counted for nothing. 

The 10 is the number of weeks Woods spent preparing to fuck me up.

Game 2  AK-49   127.56 This Drew Shall Pass   95.18

Oh how times have changed when Lamar Miller, Devonta Freeman and TY Hylton can combine for less total points than either Greg ‘the Leg’ Zeurlein or the Pats D and yet Kendrick came away with a fairly comfortable victory. Not only that but speedy Steelers WR Smith-Schuster managed to rustle up some bad JuJu for This Drew Shall Pass as he ended the day second top scorer for AK-49 only to Cam Newton. Notching 4 TDs and over 250+ passing yards, Newton was more Super Cam than Clark Kent as he torched the hapless Dolphins making fish food out of their D. The cream is clearly rising to the top in Carolina and McCaffrey is proving one of the biggest factors in that. AK-49 continues to wrestle with the immortal decision of Freeman vs Coleman though it did not prove costly this week. Freeman ultimately left the game after the first quarter and is unlikely to play this weekend. Even with Freeman out, Kendrick will still likely start the wrong one. This Drew Shall Pass will be looking for his team to have touchdown syndrome next week to go with a solid output of yardage.

“To the End Zone, Flipper!”

Game 3 ABC Easy as RG3   99.22 Get Your Tyreek On    97.54

Well this game was closer than close and the conclusion will have had Stephen about as nervous as a stage hand working backstage at the Old Vic. In truth it was a fairly average match-up, especially considering some of the talent on display for both franchises. Dolly will no doubt be ruing the timing of Bye weeks which robbed him of Ajayi, Hill, Hunt and Crabtree but in reality it was the poor production of the Jones and Jones that meant he will have to continue Jonesing for that win. The tie was largely in the balance until the NFL’s answer to Lee Cattermole caught a deep ball and blitzed the Titans’ safeties for a long score. AJ Green is no stranger to these types of scores and he, along with Antonio Brown, can often be found mooching around the opposition penalty area. The pair of Glory Hogs reserve all of their energy for garbage time as they typically spend the first three quarters texting each other on the sideline about how “Dalton is a ginger prick” and “Big Ben always brings a whole chicken for his lunch”. Ever a fan of a receiving tight end, Get Your Tyreek On picked up his sixth TE of the year this week. Steady now.

Barely broken a sweat.

Game 4 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof   88.29 Tebows Before Hoes 3000   80.00

The final match of the week was certainly one for the purists as both franchises fielded some uglier scores than the east end of a horse heading west. With few hits and plenty of misses, the Dogs were Hooked on a Thielen as the Vikings wideout finished top of the charts to help seal the victory. That said, there will have been some head scratching among both owners as a number of players performed well below expectations. With the Saints offense looking holier than thou, it will have dome as a great surprise to see Ted Ginn lack any juice catching one target for a pathetic 3 yards. Add to that the fact that the Jags decided to completely abandon their run game against the Chargers, despite having Fournette back, it was apparent that game script was playing a big part in this match-up. For Tebows, seeing AP and BP running through treacle for four hours will have been tough, but the less said about Jared HasselGoff sitting on his bench the better. Hindsight, it’s a bitch.

“Come on and jump in my star...ting line-up”

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Week 9 Match-Up Reviews

After a one week hiatus, normal service has been resumed. Unfortunately. For me. God dammit. It was a week of fighting and, well, more fighting as some NFL studs lost their absolute shit. 

Game 1 Tebows Before Hoes 3000   102.52 AK-49   120.88

Game one saw AK-49 record a narrow win over Tebows in week 9 thanks largely in part to TY Hylton. Currently the fantasy equivalent of cash or bust, AK-49 hit the jackpot as the Colts and Hylton ran all over the now Watson-less Texans smashing two TD’s in the process. For Tebows, the blame can be laid at the feet of the Muscle Hamster as Dougie spat his dummy out in this one. The Bucs appear to be taking on water fast as their season rapidly sinks into the abyss. Rushing for a whopping 7-yards, Martin simply said “F this” and took his ball and went home. Perhaps Doug took particular exception to the now ladylike appearance of a beardless Ryan Fitzpatrick. With a swing and miss, both franchises managed to plug two hapless D’s as the Bills and Chiefs showed that for this week they have a worse defence than Kevin Spacey.

The Bills and Chiefs followed the same playbook in week 9.

Game 2 This Drew Shall Pass   88.50 ABC Easy as RG3   79.88

Game two was also a close run affair however stand-out performances were hard to come by. Such was the sorry state of this match-up that the New Orleans Saints finished top point scorers for Crin. In fact it was less This Drew Shall Pass and more This D Shall Sack as the Saints made sinners out of the Tampa O-Line with 4 sacks, a fumble recovery and a touchdown to boot. There will have been much consternation at the events of this match-up for ABC as not only did the Saints D put him to the sword but his BAE, Josh “0-16″ McCown, put up solid numbers in a Jets win. Just like discovering flirtatious texts on Josh’s phone, it will have been a dagger to the heart for Stephen. The final nail in the ABC coffin came in the form of that no good dirty scoundrel, AJ Green. A case of handbags at dawn turned into down right stupidity as AJ took it upon himself to first strangle and then punch Jalen Ramsey. Yes folks, punch a guy. Who was wearing a helmet. In the head. Shockingly the daft shite was only fined and has since escaped a ban. Since the NFL failed to appropriately act, the incident was re-reviewed by a delegation of 1 from the NF Fell league and a 6 game ban will be imposed, effective immediately.

The smoking gun on Josh’s phone.

Game 3 Scram Crowder   82.26 Get Your Tyreek On   125.10

The wheels haven’t quite come off but the game weeks are becoming fewer and fewer and Scram Crowder is now facing up to the possibility that they might miss out on the playoffs. The fan favourites have been incredibly unlucky this year and if they had only score more points than their opponents, in every match this season, they would be 9-0 by now. It was a week where byes bit hard and Scram Crowder was forced to start a couple of ringers and guys with bad match-ups. That said, it was clear that Dolly was in need of a win after the terrible season he has had so far. Being the kind natured soul that he is, the staggeringly handsome owner of Scram Crowder took the charitable decision to throw the guy a bone, taking a metaphorical knee. As match-ups go this one was relatively by the numbers with little incident or stand out performances. GYTO had the distinction of starting Brothers-From-Another-Mother, Dez and Matt Bryant. Kareem Hunt continued his touchdown drought as his explosive start to the season fades further from memory. The only sensible thing to do would be to drop him to the waiver wire. Eddie Lacy is available, you know.

Just not very far...

Game 4 Low Fell Beckham Juniors   112.22 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof   53.08

It was a week to forget for Dan as his team were bollocks let alone the dogs with Jared Goff scoring only 4 points less than the entire Dogs franchise. With a series of performances that bordered on abuse, even Paul O’Grady would have trouble finding these Dogs a home. There was little to write home about as all bar one of his offensive players scored less than 6 points. Ted Ginn was not the tonic Dan was looking for as his respectable points haul was all for naught. Jameis Winston’s shoulder proved that it is still made from biscuits which was not great for Cameron Brate and the Bucs' offense. On the subject of catastrophic Bucs, Mike Evans told AJ Green to hold his beer as he desperately sought to finish the day as the biggest mentalist in the NFL. Amazingly, Evans was not ejected from the game, though you’d never know looking at his stat-line. The Juniors finished week 9 with four QB’s on their roster as Nick has begun to whore himself out to any signal caller that flutters their eyelashes his way. The filthy slut.

Tampa Bay rebrand after this season.

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Week 9 - Power Rankings

A shuffle of the pack as far as the middle order is concerned with four sides swapping places after week 9. Slipping out of the European qualification places, Scram Crowder drops back down to 6th following a quite frankly rubbish performance this week. Other big movers sees serial complainer ABC Easy as RG3 plummet to their lowest rank of the season after This Drew Shall Pass ran mild in week 9. For the first time since week 1 the rankings show a strong resemblance to the current standings of the league making them a tad redundant... Oh well.

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Week 8 - Power Rankings

In a week where the Sunday night games were at times a total snooze-fest, there is also very little to report in the Power Rankings. Only two teams move, swapping places with one another, after This Drew Shall Pass narrowly overcame the Juniors franchise winning by a 4 point margin. Nothing to see here. Move along. With the bye weeks coming thick and fast, the next two weeks should bring about a greater shift in the standings. Well, we can all hope.

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Week 7 Match-up Reviews

We’re at the half-way point gentlemen and suffice to say it has been a roller coaster of emotions so far. With some ups and far too many downs, every side is still within a shout of the playoffs. Though some hold a greater claim than others. The next few weeks will ultimately prove decisive as we enter into bye week hell.

Game 1 Low Fell Beckham Juniors   177.28 AK-49  73.42

The first match-up of the week saw a whopping 250+ points scored between the two sides however Nick proved to be a total points hog in this one as his boys ran wild. The Juniors endeavoured to outscore their opponents by 100 points and in truth Alex Smith and Big Zeke won this one single-handedly (or is that double-handedly?) Desperate to have his cake and eat it, the Juniors also boasted two quarterbacks on his bench in Derek Carr and Carson Wentz who happily took the piss this week. Fresh from his recent suspension being lifted, for now, Big Zeke took his frustrations out on the 49ers D. Channeling his inner Bobby Boucher, the erstwhile running back pictured Roger Goodell on the faces of every hapless San Fran defender as he coasted to 200+ all purpose yards and a hattrick of touchdowns. For AK-49 its best to simply chalk this one up as a bad dream and try to move on.

Ezekiel Elliott owners watching the game this week.

Game 2 Clam Crowder  149.66 This Drew Shall Pass  52.98

Having completely forgotten to field a kicker this week, This Drew Shall Pass succumbed to a bit of a mauling as Clam Crowder tried their level best to claim top scorers for the week. Dak’s attack lead to some Bell hell for Drew’s boys as the margin of victory flirted with 100 points. A modest showing from Crin’s crew was rubber-stamped with an injury early doors to Carson Palmer. Much like Crin’s hopes in this one, Palmer’s arm was shattered after a hit. The Colts continued their disastrous campaign being held score-less against the Jags D which meant that Adam Vinatieri had the afternoon off. With his feet up and his slippers on, the veteran kicker settled in for an afternoon nap only being woken for his post-game supper. Ever the perfectionist, Clam Crowder was less than impressed by Demaryrius Thomas who suddenly became allergic to footballs. What’s the matter DT, don’t you like winning? You hack!

Vinatieri getting in practice reps this week.

Game 3 Get Your Tyreek On   108.46 ABC Easy as RG3  105.36

1st versus 2nd. Ego versus ego. Brother versus brother. This was the big one, two fantasy giants going head-to-head with the victor taking top spot. In a tight match-up, it was Dolly who took the victory as the losing streak is finally at an end. Having come crashing down to earth in recent weeks, bragging rights returned to the GYTO camp after a narrow victory over the RG3 boys. AJ Green proved a colossal let down as Cincinnati couldn’t get the ball to their guy and with the Chargers run game more fizzle than spark, Melvin Gordon simply half-arsed his week 7 performance. Not that LAC will be concerned as they didn’t lack conviction in shutting down a Broncos offensive without any kick.

Andy Dalton couldn’t get the ball to AJ Green.

Game 4 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof  66.26 Tebows Before Hoes 3000   79.72

Not for the faint hearted, the final game of week 7 saw a gritty match-up between resurgent Tebows and Dan’s Dogs. The points and performances were to be found elsewhere in this game with Tebows edging a match quickly being consigned to the history books. The Hoes got off to the worst possible start on Thursday night as Beast Mode took exception to a hit on QB Derek Carr. Taking inspiration from Pro-Wrestling, Lynch’s music hit as he raced down the ramp towards his stricken teammate. Desperate to take his frustrations out on someone, Beast Mode slid into the ring and leaped into action spearing the nearest referee. Head referee Earl Hebner then subsequently ejected Lynch from the affair. Thankfully for Tebows, Lynch’s ‘gaff’ didn’t cost him the victory. In the end the Dogs lost by 13 points but its a case of what might have been as Dan decided to play this week on hard mode, leaving 105 points on his bench. Hell, at least you get a trophy for it, so there’s that to think about. 

Beast Mode, presumably, disagrees with the officials

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Week 7 - Power Rankings

Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, a once great franchise marches on. Taking a significant scalp this week, Clam Crowder has destiny firmly in their sights. The dizzying heights of 5th place in the power rankings represents their greatest achievement thus far. The only other climber sees LFBJ return to 2nd spot after a one week absence however the most telling development sees the Juniors close the gap significantly to Get Your Tyreek On. The margins grow ever finer...

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Week 6 Match-up Reviews

Back again for week 6 is the match-up reviews. Gone are the weekly previews which were littered with so much optimism and promise only to see all hopes dashed come Sunday. Instead, the review will be my weekly soapbox and will highlight the crushing realities that this stupid sport offers.

Game 1 Get Your Tyreek On  89.98 This Drew Shall Pass  114.42

It was the battle at the top as two Titanic heavyweights clashed in week 6. Early pacesetter Get Your Tyreek On finally toppled from his lofty position as This Drew Did Pass him in the league standings. In reality, GYTO never really got On as Dolly’s boys slumped to their lowest score this season. Kareem Hunt was as useful as a chocolate tea-pot in the first half getting nothing from the Steelers D. In a match that was about as entertaining as dental work, it wasn’t until the second half that Alex Smith remembered he was allowed to throw the ball before Hunt finally started logging yards. Crin must have feared the worst when Aaron Rodgers was powerbombed into the locker room but thankfully for the men from Salkeld Road, a Gronk smash and a Howard dash helped seal the points.

A re-enactment of Rodgers’ injury.

Game 2 Tebows Before Hoes 3000  139.10 Low Fell Beckham Juniors  105.04

Oh my stars and garters, did Tebows win another match? That’s right sports fans, the ‘Bows are on the up as they climb into 6th place, in touching distance of a Europa League spot. And as if that wasn’t enough, this rag-tag team of waifs and strays only managed to notch the highest score of the week. An emphatic victory was underpinned by Lazarus-h himself, Adrian Peterson as he smashed Tampa Bay in the first half. The experts called for caution when AD made the switch to Arizona but come game day Peterson had a cunning plan. “I’m just going to run like a bastard, coach”. Over in the Juniors camp, head coach Nick will be feeling mightily aggrieved at the performance from his darling Michael Thomas. Catching three passes for a measly 11 yards is a pretty poor return for someone of Thomas’ caliber. Only notching 11 yards when the Saints and Lions scored 90 points between them seems damn near impossible. The Saints D did their level best to keep the offence off the field scoring an insane 3 touchdowns. Thomas however, was about as effective as a waterproof towel.

Arizona reminding Peterson when to stop.

Game 3 Clam Crowder  112.54 ABC Easy as RG3  129.88

Picture the scene, for a third week in a row, heading into the end of the Sunday games and the match-up is incredibly close. Less than a few points close, again. Then, out of literally nowhere it all goes tits up. Antonio Brown, who up to the final few moments of the match had accomplished the square root of bot all suddenly explodes into life. After nearly four hours of no catches, no targets, no yards, Big Ben suddenly gets a brain fart and lofts what must have been a simple pass intended for Le’Veon Bell for almost 300 yards landing in the utterly confused hands of Antonio Brown. Brown then fell into the end zone and scored 500 fantasy points to steal a totally undeserved victory. Or something like that. I don’t remember the exact details. It was a some time ago. Good win, Farrell.

Clam Crowder after the match.

Game 4 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof  105.04 AK-49  112.80

The final tie saw the recently revitalised Dogs taking on steady Eddy, AK-49. An incredibly tight affair that stands out for the fact that both sides had their D put up their second highest points total. Well fancy that! The Dogs will be a little rough after watching Leonard Fournette go ape shit on a 76 yard touchdown play again, only to succumb to a case of passing Cousins as Captain Kirk was enterprising in his endeavors to boldly throw some touchdowns. Not all of the performances were rosy and it was the curse of the injured quarterback that scuppered stars on either side this past week. TY Hilton is looking decidedly Premier Inn without his BFF in Andrew Luck as Indy proved to be no match for a returning Mariota and his fighting Titans. For the Dogs, Jameis also wound up in the sick bay as he knacked his throwing arm, though he wasn’t too badly injured as he was able to spend the rest of the contest on the sidelines, yelling at Fitzpatrick, calling him a bearded prick.

“Fitz, you suck!” “Oh, snap!”

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Week 6 - Power Rankings

Hot Damn, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve had our biggest shift in positions so far this season. With the exceptions of top and bottom, the pack has been well and truly shuffled thanks to the week 6 matchups. Dolly and Dan remain in their respective positions but a triple-box of climbers see Low Fell Beckham Juniors tumble three spots after an emphatic win by top scorer Tebows Before Hoes. Week 6 also marked the last week of Clam Crowder taking it easy on the rest of the league. 9-5 here I come, baby!

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Week 5 - Power Rankings

Some moving and shaking, hustling and bustling as week 5 saw four franchises shuffle the pack. LFBJ will be getting a nose bleed as he climbed highest into second, knocking ABC Easy as RG3 from his perch as he tumbles down to third for the first time this season. A loss for AK-49 saw his stock fall whilst the three below bide their time for another week. 

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Week 5 - Match-up Reviews

This is what it has come to. Cat memes. That being said, it perfectly captured my mood as of this morning. Fantasy bloody football.

Game 1 Clam Crowder  3 Liverpool   4

Now I know how King Kev felt. Slumped over the advertising hoardings, deflated as Stand Collymore twats in the winner. Clam Crowder have single-handedly taken on the guise of those fabulous entertainers from the late 90′s. Desperate to ensure the fans keep trundling in through the turnstiles, there’s never a dull moment when Clam Crowder is involved. Things looked bright on Thursday night as Hogan bested Evans with 70+ yards and a touch. Hulkamania was running wild and it looked like Low Fell Beckham Juniors was just one leg drop away from defeat. Then suddenly the arena went dark and the music hit. Alex ‘Davey Boy’ Smith and Big Z came storming to the ring leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. In what would prove a sloberknocker, the match went to Monday Night Football with the scores neck and neck. It would come down to Latavius Murray vs. Tarik Cohen in what would prove to be a complete and utter let down as both men had atrociously poor evenings. Ultimately the match was won because Cohen was “a bit less shit” than Murray. 

That’s the sound of someone’s season slipping away.

Game 2 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof   140.56 Get Your Tyreek On  98.72

“Ding dong the witch is dead!” Not content with blasting Crin in the ass last week, Dan’s Dogs decided to show up and then some as his boys walloped GYTO. Suddenly the shoe was on the other foot as Tyreek never got On in what was a blowout contest. Brady and Hunt came down from their unsustainable points hauls of recent weeks and the loss was compounded by a pair of butterfingers in Jay Ajayi and Todd Gurley. Yes, the Seahawks D helped to snuff out Gurley and consign the Rams and GYTO to a week 5 loss. For the Dogs, some top shelf performances added some gloss to the victory, none more so than Leornard Fournette who was anything but chill as he single-handedly bent the Steelers over and pounded them hard for a whopping 181 rush yards. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, however, as self-proclaimed demi-god Odell Beckham Jnr suffered a season ending fractured ankle. Any excuse to avoid playing in that Giants team.

Pads weren’t necessary as the Steelers never got close.

Game 3

This Drew Shall Pass  111.54 AK-49  99.00

A drab affair if there ever was one with some mediocre performances across the board. The two stand out players both ended up on the wrong end of a defeat as T.Y. Hylton notched 177 receiving yards and Cam “I’m definitely finished” Newton threw for 355 yards and 3 TDs. As sexy as those stat lines might read for AK-49 there wasn’t much else in the way of good news as the rest of side plodded along. Perhaps the most disappointing performance came in the form of Martavis Bryant who was held to just 21 receiving yards as Big Ben seemingly forgot who to throw to as he tossed 5 interceptions into the gracious palms of the Jacksonville defenders. Even a broken clock is right twice a day but that was not be as Ben continued to force the pass against arguably one of the better pass D’s in the league. Using the tactic of “it’s so stupid, they’ll never see it coming”, the Steelers never really got going. If only they had a talented running back they could rely on… Conversely, it will have been satisfying for This Drew Shall Pass to watch Grandfather Time, Adam Vinatieri, smash in a double hat trick and claim the matchball.

“We’re the blue guys, right?”

Game 4 Tebows Before Hoes 3000  95.94 ABC Easy as RG3  133.62

The signs of a good team are often when you can win without playing well and as far as fantasy is concerned that has to go down as those games where two or three guys carry your team to victory. This was the case for ABC Easy as RG3 this past weekend as messrs Brown, Gordon and Green did all the dirty work  as they secured the win against Tebows. Looking through his team it’s hard to work out how Stephen managed to put together such a strong side without jumping to the obvious conclusion that he is most definitely cheating. That said, some of his stars didn’t live up to their billing as Matt Cassel failed to hassle Delanie Walker and Carlos Hyde embodied his name as he performed a disappearing act against the Colts. Another week of what might have been for Tebows as Deshaun Watson continued to take the mickey after he declared in a recent press conference that playing in the NFL was “a piece of piss”. However, some tasty match-ups didn’t lead to much as no other offensive players managed to break 100 yards despite a few touchdowns scored. The good news perhaps is that Adrian Peterson has been reinstated into the NFL meaning Tebows has most of the week to prepare for the crushing disappointment of his 20 yards rushing total, on Sunday.

Enjoy tinkering all week.

[nffell-blog]

Week 4 - Match-up Reviews

Ah fantasy football. You cruel mistress. Thursday night sparked dramatics when three Packers packed it in and Sunday didn’t fare any better as a number of players found their way back to the locker room. Unfortunately for Dalvin Cook and Chris Carson, they won’t likely feature again this year. Such a shame as Carson was on his way to a 200 yard game and 6 or maybe 7 touchdowns. Definitely would have won his franchise the day. No question.

Game 1

AK-49   114.90

Clam Crowder   114.18

Right, let’s get this shit over with. The closest contest to date saw AK-49 run out winners by the tiniest of margins. Had even one of Clam Crowder’s boys managed one more 1st down then the shoe would have been on the other foot. Injuries to Carson and Matthew’s QB scuppered any meaningful output from the pair and the complete ineptitude of the Dolphins offense sought to curtail Devante Parker. Keenan Allen took his benching like a pissy little child and decided to hit 138 yards just to stick it to the coaching staff. It was clearly these fine margins that made a difference considering both sides were tied for points at the end of Sunday and again come Monday morning. Like Pep versus Mourinho, this match-up saw two master tacticians at work, refusing to give an inch all weekend long. The rest of the league ought to sit up and take notice.

The ‘C’ stands for crap.

Game 2

Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof   107.68

This Drew Shall Pass   93.16

STOP THE PRESSES, THE UNTHINKABLE HAS HAPPENED! Ladies and gentlemen we are witnessing history as the Dogs notched up their first win of the campaign. Defying the pre-season odds of an 0-16 season, Fantarrow’s franchise are on the march. Top loading his victory on the back of Winston and Fournette, the Dogs will look to build on a morale boosting triumph in the Hull derby dubbed El Classic-Hull. That said, Dan will be looking for more from his boys as Thielen, Beckham, Stewart, Graham, Cooper and Walsh all combined to score less total points than Jameis. In particular, Amari Cooper was the party pooper once again as he put in an abject performance bringing his total yardage to just 15 in the last two weeks. For Drew, Rodgers remained the epitome of consistency, in spite of the Bear’s determination to chin all of his receivers and D-Hop put in a performance that will have made Crin weak at the knees. Alas it wasn’t to be for Drew as the non-league minnows upset the odds in week 4.

The Dogs celebrate after the game.

Game 3

Low Fell Beckham Juniors  97.86

ABC Easy as RG3  88.40

As this one opened on Thursday evening there must have been as sense of unrest in the Juniors camp as Ty-Mo was no mo’ following an early exit due to injury. However, the Juniors are made of sterner stuff these days and Nick’s boys rallied around their stricken colleague to put together a modest but effective display to see of ABC Easy as RG3. Nick’s man crush on Michael Thomas is threatening to become a full blown bromance as the ever reliable Saint was Brees’ go to guy as New Orleans casually overcame the ‘Phins at Wembley. Big Zeke was also back to his best after being held the week prior and showed off his rushing and catching prowess. However there’s a chance it could be a while before we see him again should his ban be enforced this week for treating his missus like a tackling bag. In the other dugout the mood was less jubilant as the wheels threaten to come off for one of the early season favourites. After two losses on the bounce, the odds have shortened for Mr Farrell to be the first managerial casualty of the season with Iain Dowie currently the bookies favourite the top job. For Stephen it was simply a case of his stars under performing leaving the head coach less than pleased. In a page taken straight from his boyhood idol Phil Brown, Stephen’s players were given a dressing down on the pitch in an effort to turn his fortunes around in the second period. A late rally from Russ was well received but ultimately not enough to topple Thrall’s team.

The pressure is on for ABC Easy as RG3

Game 4

Get Your Tyreek On       Lots of Points

Tebows Before Hoes 3000      80.18

Currently playing fantasy on easy mode, our last match saw Get Your Tyreek On notch win number four from Tebows Before Hoes. Yet again it was the combination of Brady, Gurley and Hunt who did the damage racking up the yards and scores to help power Tyreek to victory. The big question for the C-Man will be whether he can keep that trio fit as they currently look unstoppable. Sometimes you get the rub of the green and sometimes it happens four weeks in a row but these things have a habit of coming back round, hopefully. The match got off to a blistering start when Bilal Powell forgot he was playing for the Jets and decided to score a tasty 71-yard touchdown. Sadly, the rest of Tebows’ lot didn’t show up and Powell was the only starter to score over 10 points. Tebows’ ludicrous decision to start Chris Thompson is likely what cost him the victory this weekend as Captain Fumblehands couldn’t make the most of having literally no other running backs to compete with on the Redskins. Perhaps the pressure of the role got to him and the return of the world’s greatest, Rob Kelley, after their BYE might be a welcome boost to the pass catcher.

The return of Kelley might help Chris Thompson going forward.

[nffell-blog]

Week 4 - Power Rankings

Only one move in the power rankings this week as AK-49 and This Drew Shall Pass swap places. AK-49 won their match-up thanks to a photo finish in what is being resoundingly referred to as a travesty by at least one franchise owner. In other news, Dolly won again (yawn). Change the record, guy. Seriously.

[nffell-blog]

Week 4 Match-up Previews

There was a glitch in the system this week as ABC Easy as RG3 and AK-49 were caught in a collusion storm as they plotted to poison the Supreme Commissioner plying him with pints of fizzy piss labelled “Carlsberg” despite his numerous protests that he must go home as he had work in the morning. This writer can only assume that AK-49 fears a whooping in week 4 and sought to give himself an advantage. For shame, gentlemen. As a result this week’s previews are late and will be short and sweet.

Game of the Week Tebows Before Hoes 3000 v Get Your Tyreek On

The game of the week is the only match-up which didn’t see any significant action on Thursday night. Tebows showing some incredible foresight not to start Davante Adams as he was chinned by Danny Trevathan. Despite his beheading, Adams still managed to notch a score. Tyreek has witnessed his side score 100 points in all three games so far but it will prove a tough task to continue his obviously cheating ways against a Tebows side seeking to find their second win of the season.

Adams (right) back in practice today.

Game Two Low Fell Beckham Juniors v ABC Easy as RG3

What looks like a paltry 28 rush yards from Ty-Mo on Thursday is more a case of what might have been as the Cheese Head left the game through injury after starting on fire. The Juniors will hope that the slack is picked up by new recruit Trevor Siemian. Having hit 200+ yards in each game and 6 TD’s on the year, ABC may have a sticky mess on their hands as Trevor aims to blow his load all over the Oakland D. The difference maker for Farrell’s boys may come in the form of Joe Mixon in the Ohio Derby which will have all of the excitement of dental surgery as two of the worst teams in the NFL clash.

“What a relief, I don’t have to watch the Browns”

Game Three Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof v This Drew Shall Pass

Off to a flier thanks to Thursday Night Football, This Drew Shall Pass will be seeking to notch win number three by 9 o’clock tonight. Daniel will be hopeful that Jameis can get Tampa Bay firing again after a lacklustre display against the Vikings last time out. Speaking of the Vikings, the Dogs have a feeling that Thielen will hit his ceiling and power his franchise to a first victory of the season.The match-up will likely hinge on Carolina’s ability to effectively use the football as Cam Newton has completely forgotten how to play the sport much to the delight of Mr Farrell.

Cam has clearly taken one too many blows to the head.

Game Four AK-49 v Clam Crowder

With a modest lead going into this one, AK-49 has the early running largely thanks to gaudy Jordy. September is officially over and that means that Martelleus Bennett has done his lot for the season. Like a reverse Harry Kane, he reserves all of his usefulness for the first month of the campaign, however he has failed to truly hit the heights and now into October, and with Tyler Eifert hurt, Andrew may wish to bring in brother Lance to fill the TE spot in the weeks to come. Like a broken record, Clam Crowder is absolute positively sure that this is the week that Le’Veon Bell blows his load, pounding some holes as he seeks to penetrate the Ravens line. Having been completely embarrassed by the Jags (In London!) Bell will hope that Baltimore fault some more in this one.

Coming soon to a franchise near you.

[nffell-blog]

Week 3 Match-up Reviews

Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a set of matches week 3 threw up. The closing to the 6 o’clock games was nothing short of enthralling. Jake Elliott’s 61 yard field goal; Golden Tate’s reversed touchdown and Brady’s game winning drive against Houston. Sadly, the fantasy match-ups were not as entertaining.

Game 1 Clam Crowder  72.30 Dan’s Dogs - Woof Woof Woof  61.70

Where better place to start for week three’s reviews than to visit Clam Crowder’s narrow maiden victory. There was a lot of pressure riding on this one as come Tuesday morning, one team would be saddled with an 0-3 start. The match got off to an incredibly frustrating start as the solid-as-a-rock Ravens from week one and two decided to spend their Saturday night getting spannered in Camden as they well and truly phoned in their Wembley display. The logic was sound - Bortles is awful, I’ve been told as much by Nick for 3 weeks straight, the Ravens would feast. Instead Blake was made to look like Dan Marino as Jim Harbaugh watched his flock remain scoreless until the 4th quarter. It will have been at this point that he severely regretted ordering a kebab wrap with lashings of garlic at 5am with Terrell Suggs instead of being sound asleep dreaming of plays and blitzes. With all that in mind, the 6 o’clock matches begun with Clam Crowder sitting on a negative score. This was anything but a classic and both teams totaled pretty dismal scores. The difference appears to have come in the shape of DeVante Parker who saved the best ‘til last as he grabbed a score in garbage time of garbage time. Up until the final throes, DeVante and the rest of the Phins were blindsided by a competent performance from Semi-Pros, the New York Jets. Without that score it would have likely been Dan’s Day.

Joe Flacco was less than happy with his performance.

Game 2 This Drew Shall Pass   154.42 Tebows Before Hoes 3000  119.76

In what was by far and away the most entertaining clash, game two saw This Drew Shall Pass run out as winners against Tebows. Plain and simple, this one is a case of what might have been as unfortunately (we’ve all been there!) Tebows elected to leave Sammy Wat-Wat and the Diggster on his bench, only to then watch both ‘gan radge’. Both would smash 100 yards receiving and record two touchdowns apiece. Doug Baldwin and Chris Thompson did their level best to cause Crin to sweat but a poor outing from Kyle Rudolph and Marshawn in Least Mode meant that it was a bridge too far for Tebows. With a clutch of strong displays from Drew’s Dudes it was Jordan Howard who firmly answered his critics helping the Bears on their way to a strong victory over Pittsburgh. The broth was certainly not spoiled as Drew will have been delighted watching Cook and Cooks serve up gourmet performances in their games this weekend.  

Lynch remembering he has somewhere to be on Sunday.

Game 3 AK-49  124.30 ABC Easy as RG3  97.56

The 100% record is over for Farrell as it was a case of kissing his Cousins for Kendrick on this one. As Kirk did the work, he was backed up by Devonta who was a free man in Detroit as the Lions had no answer to his strength and power. The day could have been that bit brighter had AK-49 plugged in Mr Frustrating, T.Y. Hylton. The Colts have been dolts during the first two weeks of this season but they took Cleveland to Brown Town and T.Y. did the damage as he ran buck wild in week 3. Clearly not happy at the news Kendrick had benched him, he decided to take his ball and go home as the Browns didn’t have a sniff. Gillislee’s killing spree came to an abrupt halt despite the Patriots and Houston trading scores all game. Running through treacle for the majority of the tie, perhaps Stephen will turn to another Jekyll and Hyde running back in the shape of San Fran’s Spanish sensation Carlos, for week 4. 

Cleveland stopped by on Sunday.

Game 4 Get Your Tyreek On  160.82 Low Fell Beckham Juniors  65.82

Three-hit-wonder Get Your Tyreek On saw his rabble notch up yet another victory to now hold the only unbeaten record in the league. Relying almost exclusively on the exploits of Brady, Hunt and Gurley, Dolly has begun to get used to the finer things in life as he saw his side notch another 100+ performance. With Gurley tearing the 49ers a new one on Thursday night, Nick faced an uphill battle before any of his team had even kicked a ball. Watching the Patriots slug it out with Houston will have left Nick deflated as Brady squeezed the air out of the Texans’ resistance when he found Brandin Cooks during Fergie Time to seal the victory. That was Brady’s fifth touchdown of the day and saw him take home the matchball. Kareem Hunt continued to piss off everyone else in the league as he notched another 30+ point day as the Chargers D collectively decided that they had better things to do as he dumped 172 yards on them. Turning to the rest of his team, Dolly will have patted them on the head and calming offered a condescending “well at least you gave it your best shot” before resoundingly dumping Jason Witten back to the wilderness of the waiver wire. Nick may take some solace in the fact that his team’s dud performance came against the might of Dolly’s front three and will seek to bounce back in week 4 where Sunday morning tinkering will see Tarik Cohen and Larry Fitzgerald move in and out of the starting line-up more times than Nick would care to admit. Finally, it would appear that perhaps we’re witnessing the decline of Cam Newton as the Carolina gunslinger appears to have developed an allergy towards touchdowns.

The Chargers tactics board against Kansas.