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Journal 9- January 31th, 2016 (4:35 am)

This is a song about a girl. 

I sit here, wide awake while looking down at one of the most complex puzzles I’ve ever had the opportunity to figure out. And for some reason, she slid a diamond ring on my finger. Jenna, my love, in all honesty there are several reasons that this moment right here is funny to me.  

SIERRA’S LIST OF REASONS ON WHY THIS MOMENT IS PRETTY FUNNY:

1. i’m awake and you’re asleep? (I really had to pee and didn’t disturb you wow)

2. You just made the cutest little noise like it was somewhere between a squeak and a sigh and I hope you’re dreaming about something good

3. I think you sensed me come back into the room because as soon as I slid back in your arms were back around me in seconds (it was really nice, actually)

4. this isn’t  just tonight but for a while now I haven’t been feeling so cold...like remember how I used to steal the blankets? I don’t really need to anymore. Just having you there keeps me warm

5. It keeps catching the moonlight, and as I slid my hand through your hair so it’s off your face, it winks at me. I truly think it’s the most beautiful material thing I’ve ever owned. 

6. I didn’t think I would ever get here. After how things ended for me the first time I felt like this....I had all but gave up hope. And then you come along....and it’s no cuddling, no feelings, no anything. I figured it was sex and that was all. But I can’t be like that, you know? I need something more. I’m selfish and clingy, and need to feel loved and wanted. But even more than that, I want to be able to love. And you? I wanted to test the waters right from the beginning. I wanted to wrap up with you in my arms and make you happy. I figured it was a two way street- you got the sex, and I got the companionship. And then, following the strangest mix of events I have ever had the most  fear and elation to be a part of....things ended so off base. 

7. I thought the end would come. So, so many times. I think the first time it hit me that this was possibly only temporary was the first night. You wouldn’t even let me touch you afterwards. What the actual fuck. I honest to god thought there was something wrong with  me. Like a “you shouldn’t want this, it isn’t that type of thing. You’re making a fool of yourself, stupid bitch.” But I learned, and now I know where the flaw was that first time. The second, the night I sometimes wish I could forget. The first time three incredibly idiotic words slipped past my lips as red lights flashed and my shirt was soaked through and for a second time in a row my arms were empty. Every time after that were the nights you would just slip away into the dark. Sometimes just for a few days, sometimes longer. This last time? Sure, I had an idea of where you were. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t scared you wouldn’t come back. Besides the fact you could have died and I wouldn’t have even known....what if you had found someone else. What if you had found someone more confident in themselves, someone who could bring out that pretty smile of yours so easily it seemed to never go away. Someone who saw your eyes as something better than just the ocean before a storm. Someone who was actually worth your time. 

8. I realized I am worth your time. I always have been worth your time. I am 100% worth anyone’s fucking time. Yours, his, my mother’s. Anyone. I put my all into making sure the people around me are okay and happy, because honestly, that’s when I fucking come to terms with the fact that I’m enough. It’s okay for me to love, because I will be loved back. Maybe not by everyone, but by the people that matter. Every day when I wake up, and you’re there, that’s just another nail in the coffin. I have a beautiful fiancee, who tries to better herself everyday. Who doesn’t let her past define her. Who fucking loves me and takes me at my best and worst. How can I sit here and be so selfish to think that I’m not worth a moment of your time when the writing is on the wall in flaming letter. 

9. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life. You’re stubborn, slightly territorial, and can be kind of an asshole sometimes. But humans are flawed in nature, so that’s totally okay. Past that shit- your eyes light up like the moon when you smile. And the reason I say the moon is because sometimes when they catch the light they get so clear and the gray becomes this color that reminds me of that big floating hunk of rock in the sky. But hey, it’s what keeps the dark from completely engulfing us in the night. Which is also kind of like you. You keep the dark from creeping to close. Your smile is open and inviting. It makes people want to get to know the girl with the wild hair and the strong voice. 

That’s another thing-your voice. I love when you sing, babe, and I feel stupid asking you to do it more often. But it’s like a sign that you’re letting go in the moments. You close your eyes and just feel what you’re breathing out and I can see it. It’s amazing. And honestly, just you talking too. We talk a lot about being each other’s homes. These are the things that remind me of home, now. You calling me baby. Laughing at something I’ve said. Singing softly as you make tea. Home. Home. Home. 

You’re going to hate me but babe, you’re perfect. I’m sitting here trying to think of how to put into words everything else I love about you but the things are coming to fast for me to process. Lightning round: things I love about my future wife. 

1. The way she wraps her arms around me and holds tight

2. The way her curves fit so well against my own

3. When she lets me in

4. When she makes anything food related because it’s so so good

5. When she wants to get naked and just snuggle together. In the moment when I used to feel my most vulnerable, I feel accepted and safe. 

6. How she looks naked

7. How she looks silhouetted by the sunshine when she’s out in the garden

8. How she’s able to keep things so green and alive

9. How she basically cares a piece of the sun within her heart because she’s warm and comforting and is able to piece through any storm cloud that threatens her

10. I can’t stand it when she bags on Martin but at the same time, I’m like “holy shit, she called me hers that’s the hottest shit oh my god” 

11. When I ask her to prove it, she does

12. She’s never once judged me

13. She accepts the fact that I loved her too hard and too early and doesn’t hold it against me

There’s plenty more but I can’t ruin all of them in one sitting

10. You’re mine. And I’m yours. And you just started snoring so I never, ever, want to hear you rag on me about mine, excuse you. 

Anyway, that’s enough for now. I’m going to hide my face in your neck, sorry it’s probably unbearable hot. But at least you won’t figure out that it’s because I got so flustered over the girl who’s sharing a bed with me. 

I love you, Jennabug. 

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                            ”Mine.” She whispers.                                               ”Yours.” I breathe.

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Journal 8- Jan. 26th, 2016

So…..Whak trusted me with the little one. She’s currently napping and this is an issue. First and foremost, she’s sleeping on me. There is a tiny child passed out across my chest. Apparently it’s not just adults who get amusement from the dynamic duo. I’m typing this with my arms stretched as far from her as they can go, I’ll be damned if this stupid thing slips and falls on her. But I needed somewhere to vent and think, and I feel like this may be my only opportunity of the day….

She’s so small. And fits perfectly between the crook of my arm and the curve of my hip. The bracelet has also caught her attention, since she’s tried to snatch it off my wrist at least ten times. Maybe when you’re older, tyke. There’s tiny fingers digging into the front of my sweatshirt and for once I see what Jenna means.

Why is this so strange? I used to babysit all the time when I was younger. It’s how we funded our first ep. But there’s something about this time around that just feels….. out if place. Me with a kid. Even if she’s not mine, the idea that one day I could have one of my own hit me hard. It used to not even be a blimp on my radar. Let’s be real….I would suck as a mom. Not to mention being pregnant…..but there’s always adoption?

What am I saying? Does this even make sense? No way in hell am I anywhere near ready for this. She’s cute to play with, and that little smile of her’s could end a war. But I don’t want kids, nope nope. I am no willing to do this full time. It’s too much. Too much hardship. Too much heartbreak. I can’t do that to myself, to Jenna.

But a family with Jenna…that would be nice. Little ones that we could love together. Skateboarding lessons and little jam sessions as we make dinner. Tucking them into bed. Someone else we could share our love with. We could be awesome moms, I know it….

Stop. Stop right there. Don’t you even start.

Just finish taking care of her, I can babysit more often if they need me too. But this? This isn’t going to become my reality anytime soon.

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@Ash_Costello: When you're wearing 25$ mascara and 28$ eyeliner, there's no time for crying.

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sociofobica.🌙

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by Adam J. Kurtz 

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by Lora Zombie

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by Dick Vincent

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Bears by Amy Hamilton

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I really hate it when you say things like that about him. You just....don't always see it the way I see it. My heart wasn't exactly broken, it was just stretched then. And while it'll never be the same as before, I honestly think it's stronger. It's such a strange thing to me, that someone can teach you how to come into yourself. Especially him. He's not all snuggles and rainbows that's for sure. But he did have some redeeming qualities. He could be sweet, and gentle. He used to do this thing right before he would kiss me that was kind of cute. I know you think bad of him, but I can promise you he wasn't the worst thing to happen to me. It just hurts, you know? He could care less what you think of him, but he's still one of my best friends. I love you with my whole heart and soul, but to understand that you need to understand how I'm able to that. I couldn't love you, if I hadn't learned to love myself first. Is he entirely to thank for that? Fuck no. But he didn't exactly hinder the process. And as shitty as it feels to say this, I needed him a few months ago. You're my only one, but when you left I could feel it coming back. The rejection. The pain. The loneliness. I needed something to fix things, just until you came back. I feel like I used him, and it fucking sucks. But now you're back and he's getting his shit straight and I feel like my ducks are lining up. Just ask me and I'll tell you all you want to know about me and him, but at the end of the day, I need you to remember who I always come home to.

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where do you want to kiss me first, Daddy?