neverlosehope94

[neverlosehope94]

Busy, busy, busy.......

I know I'm always on the move and busy.

I do it to myself though.

Honestly.

Im also intoxicated I had 1.76 liters of whiskey and cocacolaaaaa

But even when i miss that shit out of my son since he's away with his dad.... even though I wanted space and "me time I miss the shot out of him...even though he's been driving me fucking mad lmfao! #OverStimulatedMom.

Anywho.... my bf let me drink and let loose. (Even though it was HIS family party to let loose at. He let ME let loose. He let me drink and forget reality for a minute. He drove and I drank and got tto let loose. Bir and have an. Amazing night. Drove us home to his place and then his brother in law called and it was his "step" nephew and we talked to him and he's playing fortnight with his step nephew and brother in law and just how he is with the step nephew playing games but including his step nephew and making him feel like "one of da boys ". And it made me happy because even though he's not my sons biological dad he does the same for my son when he's here. He has a big heart. I know he does. He's just "damaged goods". He means well he has good intentions. He is willing to try and learn. He communicates well with me. I am thankful to have him. I know I bitch a lot about him but I also never talk about all the good things and things he does pr says that make me happy. He does try. I appreciate the effort and I noticed it even more now that with

My son being away with his dad him testify his step nephew like he would my son. (Not his bio child" I am in love with him too. I know what love he is capable of. I have felt it. He has good intentions. I need to stand by his side with him. I want to. He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed. He is patient. I am far from perfect. He deals with more then people know.

He needs love. He doesn't know what real sincere love comes from. He is the first person that isn't toxic and I don't know what it feels like to not be toxic. So im learning too. Im happy that he knows me more than I know myself. 💗

[neverlosehope94]

Christmas morning isn't as fullfilling as it used to be when my son was younger and excited over the wrapping paper and EVERY single toy...and thing. Its starting to lose its "magical" feeling and that makes me sad.

He was grateful but just didn't seem as enthused as he used to be. Probably didn't help my dad was mumbling under his breath after he opened a gift about "ohh more junk you don't need" and something about wasting my money... he kinda shut up when he opened his gift we gave him and was actually surprised and thankful. (My dad collects old antique tin containers and stuff and my bfs boss bought a house they had to gut and rework on that still had stuff in it and they had a bunch of collectable tins I went and grabbed and cleaned and scrubbed with vinegar (so I wouldn't take off the paint/print on tins) and wrapped nice for his Christmas gift. And I filled everyone's stocking. Including my parents, my bfs and mine not just my sons. And Santa brought my dad charcoal pellets for his smoker too.

I was happy with everyone opening their gifts. It always makes me happy.

My boyfriend slept through it all because he has bad carpel tunnel and didn't sleep at all last night from the pain so is trying to sleep now and slept through everyone else opening their gifts.

My son was shocked that there was nothing under the tree for me lol. Im sure he'll understand later. My dad did fill two little Mason jar ornaments with some 🍃 for me and my bf. That was nice.

Now im helping my son pack his bags because his dad is almost here from another state to come pick him up to spend Christmas and new years with him. My son is using his 3d printer pen he got from Santa to make his dad another gift. (Being a mom is not for the weak lol dad doesn't do much but is always thought about for gifts while mom is chop liver lmao.)

I usually try not to take it personal. I know he doesn't see his dad a lot and it has nothing to do with his love for me more so trying to impress his dad and do nice things for him since he hardly sees him.

Then I need to drop him off at his dads families house because now his dad "can't" pick him up here. And I still haven't eaten anything... I need to pack my sons clothes bagged, double check his car bag and sleeping stuff bag he packed. ...shower, get my face on (makeup). Cook 3 dishes I need to bring to bring to my bfs families Christmas party today at 2pm and change into my Christmas clothes when im done cooking. Load it all in the car... 🙃🙃🙃

Needless to say mamas drinking at this party later because I can use a drink or 10. (And ill be kid free so I can.)

[neverlosehope94]

Something about Christmas time was always so magical to me as a child. I think one of the best things as a parent our child/children can do for us is help bring that magical feeling back. Like it's different for everyone as we get older, but when you have a kid and you get to help make their memories and childhood magical it brings back the magic and your inner child in a way. I was fortunate enough to have had parents who went above and beyond and then some to make my sisters and my childhood magical and showed me (without even realizing.) how to make my child's childhood and memories feel magical. Forever grateful and blessed for Anthony, and my family.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

May you and your families have a safe, blessed, and happy holiday.

Enjoy being with your loved ones.

💗

[neverlosehope94]

I got a new smell proof/lock bag for my floating materials lol.

You would love it!

Its pretty clever and convenient.

Cheers to you and your incredible soul

Xo

[neverlosehope94]

I think I'm going to write on here as if I were talking to you because I miss you so fucking much. It kills me inside to think I will never be able to talk to you again.

I can't handle that.

Maybe I'm in denial...

If I imagine when I post on here as if it were really just me responding to a message like before.

Because you always come back...

You have to come back.

I need you to come back.

You are the only one who truly understands my heart and soul.

[neverlosehope94]

I wish you were here.

I miss you more then I ever have.

I used to think that was a lot...

Its much more now.

[neverlosehope94]

Not it being 20 degrees farenheight (-7 Celsius) and my heat in my car doesn't work 😪 i seriously fucking hate it here.. if its not one thing it's another.

[neverlosehope94]

[neverlosehope94]

Finally fell asleep then woke up to my child crying because he doesn't know how to blow his nose and refuses to try. Gave him congestion medicine put some vicks sav on his chest and let him go back to sleep as I filled the vicks vapor humidifier with water and salt with the vicks vapor solution to run in his room to try to help clear him out that way. He's asleep and now im wide awake again.

I wish others would understand how challenging it is to do this alone with out the other parent to help. I take sicks days or work from home when I can when he's sick... I take him to doctor apointments... I wake up in the middle of some nights to care for him or tuck him back in of he's had a nightmare.... I don't get relieved with breaks from another parent taking turns with these responsibilities. I don't get to fall apart... I don't get to not feel like waking up and going back to sleep right away I am the only one here for it. I know ots part of my job as a mother and I wouldn't trade being his mother I love him, but I just need a moment to catch up. I am drowning. I feel so fucking alone and im just in the deep end struggling to stay afloat and im getting tired of staying above surface I just need a second.. before I fall completely apart. 😪

[neverlosehope94]

Its been a shitty week...

I thought this night was turning around.

Had dinner with my parents and Anthony cleaned up warmed my car up to go pick up my mom and my meds then to go return something for her and myself and back home.

Played a fun grinch Christmas game with Anthony and my mom.... then I got my basket/gift from this group I participated in where you get a person you get a gift for and they get you a gift (seems to be the only gift I get since I get forgotten about for Christmas. Which is fine im used to it by now.) So I was excited and she really did too much and went over the top and I cried happy tears.

I've been feeling really low lately so simple tasks and things feel like a lot I was feeling better and looking forward to taking a shower but when I pulled the handle something cracked and it got stuck popped outwards and wouldn't push back in to turn the water off.... and of course my drain drains slow so I was worried it would flood the bathroom (and of course its upstairs...) so I grabbed a knife because I didn't have a screw driver to try to see if I could pop the handles cover off to get to the screw to undo the handle part to get to the inside to see if I could push the inner part in by hand. I got it popped off and unscrewed but I couldn't push it back in... so instantly I feared I'd have to tell my dad so like a child I called my mom from my phone to come from the living room to my room to help in my bathroom. She came and freaked out about it and didn't know what to do either so asked my dad and he angrily refused to help so she told me to call my boyfriend.... so I did (he was asleep at 6pm as he has to be up early for work because they are finishing putting a roof on a house they are building..) woke him up trying to fill him in fast about what was going on and what we needed to do... and he told us we needed to go to water heater and find the water supply shut off thingy or something... but then my dad decided to come help so I told my boyfriend sorry I gotta go. Hung up and then my dad came in instantly cussing me out. Calling me every name in the book. Telling me how I ruin and break everything. And im the reason my parents can't ever have anything nice. And more insulting mean horrible things. And the usual comment thrown in there "Your gonna have to grow up sometime kid!" Angrily... It was like a flash back of my childhood. Except even worse my son got to hear some of it and see his adult mother ugly sob in the kitchen corner until I realized he was by me now and tried to push back my feelings as his sweet little innocent self hugged me and told me it was okay.

And then my dad going to bed right after because he was so angry....and my mom coming by me to do damage control..( as usual). Telling me he didn't mean any of it. He was just angry. He just says stuff he doesn't mean he's just flustered that everything seems to be breaking the house is a little over 30 years old....And in between sobs of me apologizing and trying to speak and not hyperventilate I tell her how sorry I am and how I didn't mean to and that I just pulled normally how I do every time I shower I didn't do anything different...that I promise I'll pay for it to be fixed. She tells me its not my fault and that because we have well water and not city water it rusts quicker and its all old original never been replaced. But even though I know all of this I still feel like shit. I feel like my dad hates me and thinks very little of me. And then after all of that I finally check my phone and see my boyfriend has texted me about what I needed to do...I told him my dad just got the handle off the hallway bathroom to put on mine to shut the water off... for now and he then told me he was wide awake and couldn't go back to sleep.... I apologized and told him how sorry I was and how I didn't want to call and wake him but, my mom insisted I call him since my dad wasn't helping at first and we were panicked when the water wasn't draining as quickly as the water was coming out and I mentioned how this week has been a shit week and I wish it was Friday already so I could escape by him. And he said he agreed he had a tough week at work in the cold weather and mud especially without adhd meds (he hasn't been medicated in years sometimes I share if I have any extras since he doesn't have insurance and can't afford it without... but I didn't have anymore extra to give him and I set a boundary recently not giving him the ones I need so I don't miss doses because it messes with me when I have in the past...so he has none and has no motivation or energy to do anything...) so without any meds he said its harder and mentioned how hard it was for him to work on building this house and the roof how he's gonna jump off...

I said that isn't funny. And he said your right its not funny its hillarious. And I told him I didn't think it was funny at all... especially after getting a goodbye letter from one of the important people in my life and also because i love him and would be devastated to lose him as well.

Said he wouldn't but he thinks about it sometimes.... then we segwayed to mental health and how I wanted him to call a number I gave him for a dr office that takes people without insurance and bases what you pay off your income so he can make an apt to start getting meds he needs... then he said yeah so I can get my own adhd meds and I said yeah and depression meds too thats just as important... and then he mentioned a doctor telling him he had post partum after his dad died and I just said jokingly you didn't have a baby? And then he texted saying it doesn't have to have a baby to have a baby and it didn't make sense so I think there was spellcheck wrong so I said "huh"

And he said Idk Katie I'm not a fucking doctor it's just what I was told .... and after my night I didn't want to fight and that hurt my feelings after being yelled at by my dad and had telling him that... so I just said "Oof....okay sorry."

He just said Sorry im tired goodnight I love you.

I'm over tonight. At least I know I'll sleep even if I'm not tired because my eyes are swollen from crying so much i'll probably be able to cry myself to sleep at least.

[neverlosehope94]

[neverlosehope94]

“Deep in your wounds are seeds waiting to grow into beautiful flowers.”

— Niti Majethia

[neverlosehope94]

i'm still fixing myself, day by day.

[neverlosehope94]

[neverlosehope94]

“Sometimes, i just want to sit outside with someone and talk all night.”

— Unknown

[neverlosehope94]

I had a dream last night that we finally met.

I miss you more every day.

XO

[neverlosehope94]

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