never-delivered

[never-delivered]

dear someone who showed me how to put myself first,

i checked up on you today to see how you were doing. you seemed well and healthy and that’s all i could ever ask from you. i wonder if you think about me some times. i think you were my first love. though we didn’t end the way we thought i would, i still admire for you and wish the best for you. i hope you’re putting yourself first too. i remember how we were the same. we put everyone’s needs before our own. you showed me that i had to put myself first this time and it’s made me into such a better person. i am self aware, i am confident of my feelings, i voice my concerns when necessary, and i make time for myself now. i know you’re worried about me too, so just know i’m doing fine. i wish the best for you and only the best. 

[never-delivered]

dear someone who is now a memory,

it’s a funny thing, memory, isn’t it? because we can live in it forever, it’s a dimension where time stops. that kind of moment where all you hear is your breath, your heartbeat, nothing more. yet it was a fraction of a moment in time. whether it be good or bad, we are immediately transported to a time that monumentally changed our lives for the better. and we didn’t even know it yet. somehow it remains a place of comfort; comfort that at one point you were afraid of the unknown, unsure of what was to come...until you slowly drift back into reality where you turned out just fine.

[never-delivered]

[never-delivered]

dear someone who will listen,

i’m tired of existing. there is too much going on in my head to pay attention to one single thought. i feel like i have lost all control. i’m not exactly sure what i am doing with my life or where it’s going, but it feels like there is no genuine purpose for me. or i haven’t found it at least. waking up every day is hard. i don’t know if the people around me know how painful it is to make it through every day -- i wish they did. i wish they knew i am in crisis mode...guess i’m just getting better and better at hiding it. i feel like a shell of myself -- an empty vessel aimlessly existing on this earth. when will i feel like myself again? why do i feel unfulfilled and useless? what is my reasoning to be here? 

[never-delivered]

[never-delivered]

dear someone whose words hurt me,

i wish you knew how much your words hurt me. you might’ve not noticed how you said it, why you said it, what you said, but it hurt. it replays in my head every day on a constant loop. it makes me doubt myself. who i am. what i want. what i can do. people tell me to not think about it, not let you live in my head rent free, but how could i? you stung me so deep in the moment that i can hear you saying it without even being near. how do i press pause? how do i delete that recording that drives me to insanity? i guess i’ll have to let you know one day.

[never-delivered]

Abbie Mellé | @abbie_melle 

[never-delivered]

[never-delivered]

dear someone i’ll never get to be,

i find myself thinking about what other paths i could have taken in life. what decisions could have made me into a different person. it makes me sad. i guess i’m just a curious person who wants to try and experience everything. when i think about it, i try not to let myself get too sad about the what ifs and could have beens. i have to remind myself that all those decisions made me the person i am today. that i wouldn’t be right where i needed to be, right in this moment. i’m being quite unfair to myself though, as a friend said, “when this happens, i realize i am creating an idealized version of my life, not even considering all the bad things that would’ve come about,” and she’s right. it’s not totally bad to be a curious person, but i gotta stop myself from being stuck in a hole of what ifs. after all, everything happens for a reason.

[never-delivered]

dear someone who took advantage of me,

you ruined me. you made me feel, and still continue to make me feel, like a stranger in my own skin. your rough hands touched my soft, sacred skin in ways that one should have never been touched. i can still feel it. it's been a while since it happened but it's like i can feel it happening at this very moment. i feel like a skeleton in a skin that's not mine. i look down at myself and do not see the same body i once had. no matter how many scalding hot showers i take, no matter how many outfits i put on to hide myself, no matter what i do, there is nothing that i can do to take this pain away. i know this question will never be answered, but why? why me? why take advantage of someone like that? i didn't deserve this. no one does. it's like i have a layer of skin that i keep trying to shed off but can't get off of me. a permanent uncomfortable feeling that will probably never go away for the rest of my life. i just want to be rid of this pain that you have eternally caused me. and the worst part of it is, that you will never know nor feel how i feel. and for that, i truly despise you.

[never-delivered]

dear someone i think i am falling in love with,

what is it like to fall in love? i don’t mean the high school kind of love. i mean real, genuine love. is it supposed to feel like you cannot be apart from them, that you wish to be near them at all times? that you would rather die than spend a day without them, give them everything and anything in the world just to see a smile on their face? do you imagine their warm embraces and soft kisses when they are not around and then suddenly feel sick to your stomach because you wish to physically be with them at that very moment? when you look into their eyes does it feel like there is nothing else that matters in the world, except the two of you? does your heart ache when you are with them - not a bad ache but a beautiful one where you just feel so overwhelmed by how much you care for that person. is that what love is? if so, then i think i am falling in love.

[never-delivered]

dear someone who i think is toxic but i’m not too sure,

this is to myself. what if i’m the toxic one? what if i’m the one thats pushing and hurting everybody in my life? am i too vulnerable? self-sabotaging? passive? what is it? i can’t tell if it’s me realizing that i am toxic or that i’ve just been treated like shit so much that everything that comes to me, i feel as if i deserve it. damn, maybe i do?

[never-delivered]

dear someone who is afraid to be alone,

it’s not the kind of alone that you immediately think of. it’s not the type where you always have to be in a relationship, but the type where you’re too scared to be alone with your thoughts and emotions. it’s terrifying and all consuming. how does one even cope with such a thing? how can someone enjoy the company of themselves so much that they are content with life? i am absolutely petrified of the idea of being alone these days. it gets dark and my chest gets heavy. i sit alone trying to distract myself with everything else so i don’t have to think or feel at all. but then it hits you all at once and you just can’t stop trying or thinking or feeling the heaviness in your chest grow deeper, it just doesn’t stop and you forget to breathe and for a second it feels like you’re drowning until it all goes silent. 

[never-delivered]

dear someone i have a crush on,

i like you. and no this does not feel like a regular crush, i mean i really like you. i don’t think i have ever felt this way about anybody. i didn’t want to admit it to myself but it’s true. you are so kind and compassionate. you communicate well and you’re so mature for your age. you care about the little things, and sure everyone says that about themselves, but i can really see it in you. you genuinely do care and you see and appreciate the little things i do for you. you take things slow, and that’s completely okay because my past has just been rushing into everything. the change of pace and your kindness is a whole new world to me. to be honest, i’m completely terrified. i feel everything so deeply and am so emotional about everything i’m too scared to fall right in and lose you. you’re amazing. what we have is special and i don’t want to lose you. i just hope you really like me too.

[never-delivered]

https://weheartit.com/entry/317201487

[never-delivered]

dear someone i miss,

its random times in the middle of the night where it really gets me. most of the time i’m fine, keeping busy and staying in touch with friends. replacing time i would have spent with you with friends i hit up, hobbies i’ve picked up, and shows that i binge. but its that split second moment, where my mind gravitates to the thought of you, and i can feel everything and nothing at once. what do you do when that happens to you? as im sitting here and typing this up, all my feelings are consuming me from the inside out. i feel sad, relieved, excited, angry, frustrated, upset, happy, and brokenhearted all at once. i’ve accepted the emotions. i acknowledged how i feel, but at the same time, i feel nothing. for the first time, i don’t want to cry. i don’t feel any pain in my chest. i don’t feel any hollowness in my body. i am simply just existing and letting my emotions flow through me. is this what being at peace means? i miss you terribly, but i don’t....what do i do?

[never-delivered]

dear someone who is extremely admired,

i was just on instagram and was scrolling through my stories when i came across a college friend who had reposted a bunch of birthday shoutouts on other peoples stories. i love her. she is pure of heart, a ball of energy, and an aura that you just can’t forget, i can’t hate her. i don’t hate her. it was just that seeing all those people take the time and energy to use their platform to wish her a happy birthday really triggered something inside me. she had so many people from so many different paths of life dedicate this day to her. am i loved the way she is? i’m not comparing myself to her, of course not. but i sometimes feel that i am just not loved as much as the next person. and i know thats a selfish and fucked up thing to say because i know people love me, i do. so why do i sometimes feel like i’m so lonely and so isolated? that i’m the only person in the world who could ever love me? am i not capable of love? admiration? care? dedication? have i done something wrong? sure i’m not miss happy go lucky like the rest of the people i’ve crossed paths with, but i’m not the most horrible person…am i? am i mean? am i rude? am i a terrible person? do i shit talk people? i feel like i try too hard to prove to people my worth. that i try too hard to get people to like me…why is that? why do i need this validation? how do i make it stop? i just want to be loved and adored unconditionally like the way some of you are. and i know i am by a few…but what about everyone else i’ve ever known in my life? what do they have to say…but who cares right? why should i care? my chest is heavy and i just want to be hugged tightly…wish i could sleep away all my problems in life and just be one of those lucky people in life.