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I am slowly coming to a realization that the loneliness I have felt my entire life can not be eased with any form of physical or emotional connection with another human being. The particular way I think, talk, argue or feel is unfortunately unique, not in a beautiful snowflake kind of way but messy, chaotic, uncomprehensible and nonsensical way. People I've known so far all fail to understand me. I am getting tired. All I want in life is to be able to connect the way everyone else can.
On a sad note, I am tired of being misunderstood. And I am angry that they are misunderstanding me.
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I don't understand subtle changes in someone's behavior. I don't understand the change in the time spent together. I don't understand the change in the tone of people's voice. I don't understand when I am being close to or distant from someone. I am incapable of understanding many things in a relationship, platonic or romantic. I felt like a lesser person my whole life because my brain that is wired incorrectly is incapable of understanding any of these things.
Until recently, I was, at the very least, ok with lacking these critical skills. My remaining friends knew me and accepted the way I am. And I learned to be content with the fact that while I can maintain these friendships, the depth of these friendships would remain at the surface level.
Now I have a girlfriend. I wrote about my deep infatuation about her many times and because of that it should go without saying but I love her so very much. Until today, 17.11 05.00, I was under the impression that my social limitations weren't bothering her. I learn now that this is not the case. I trusted that she would tell me if anything in either of our behaviour changes. I learn now that this is not the case.
I don't and unfortunately can't understand why she didn't talk to me about our apparent lack of communication. And although we discussed that I would not be able to tell if these changes happened and she would need to communicate it to me instantly so I can make adjustments, she waited, consciously or unknowingly, until she was upset or annoyed by what I assume to be my lack of actions. I don't understand. And as I said, I unfortunately can not understand what happened or didn't happen between us last couple days.
I try not to talk about my suicide attempts because some feelings never go away and when they linger, they creep in at my vulnerable moments. I try to ignore these thoughts. But they are here now and I need to get these thoughts out of my head right now. Both times, all I had in my mind was how I was a fuck up who can't tell if I am making people angry, annoyed, bored or upset in any of my interactions, online or in real life. The essence of life is communication with other human beings and if I can't tell the changes in things that are crystal clear obvious to other people, there is something fundamentally wrong with my brain. I wasted my life trying to learn how to adjust and learn these skills and I continuously fail miserably. I am never learning how to be normal. I remember thinking that I would be the worst person on earth if I knowingly made more friends under my situation. Because my lack of skills meant that any and all relationship I try to insert myself in would be doomed from the start. What kind of asshole knowingly inflicts loss of a friendship onto someone? In the past having a romantic involvement with someone was not even a possibility I entertained. But imagine, loving someone and hopefully them loving you back. Building something while knowing that my fucked up brain would ruin things or annoy, upset, anger, or bore my partner. If I know that my future is either endlessly ruining other peoples experience, or living in a forever friendless and partnerless life, I should just kill myself to save myself from terminal solitude.
I now find myself in a relationship with a woman I worship. But more I love her the more I remember all my limitations and how I could hurt her unknowingly. Remembering this sends me down on a depressive spiral of feelings. I supressed these feelings so far because until today, it looked like she was ok with communicating my shortcomings before she was affected by them. I hate myself again today, because I am the bad person I thought I was. Upsetting the one person I truly love. What makes me want to hurt myself is I can't learn from this situation to not repeat it because I tried. I tried to learn from similar situations my whole life and failing horribly each time drove me to harm myself. What can I do now? Keep hurting her I guess.
To ease myself from this self hatred, and to save everyone I know from my unfulfilling presence, I should kill myself. I currently find myself in a life that I can't do that and honestly, at the moment, for the past year even, I don't want to do it. However tonight similar feelings creeped in. I am hoping writing this post makes waking up easier today.
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I am at my most considerate when I try to please you.
I am at my calmest state when I am with you.
I dream the best dreams when I think of you.
I got used to you so quickly, and fell for you so deeply. We are now spending the second day apart after we found each other again after such a long time apart. It is harder than I could have ever imagined. I have never missed someone as much as I miss you now.
All the times I have heard people, poems, songs, movies and shows talk about and describe feeling like they are missing a part of themselves seemed like such a foreign feeling until now. I realise now that I am missing a crucial, vital part of me apart from you.
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Life is so beautiful. I appreciate and chetish all that I got to experience today. I am glad I lived and powered through the worse days to see ones as beautiful as today. 05/09/24
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I have a lot to question about my friendships. A lot of friends that I thought understood my mental and social difficulties are apparently, understandably so, gave up and are living their life. I am happy for them, and proud of them for living their life. However I am dissapointed in myself for not improving myself to overcome these issues. If I am allowed to be petty, I am also deeply dissapointed in myself for misjudging our friendships. The certainty I though I had with some people does not exist.
Our paths are naturally separating and there is a bittersweet side of this whole deal. I'll write more about this when I process my feelings. I do not want to go off on pure emotions.
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I just lied to a dear friend. I feel disgusted with myself. Truth is I wanna be there at your engagement because you are both very valuable to me but I cannot be there with people that don't know me, which includes you both as well. You are inviting the version of me that took me years to finally kill and bury. I hated him and it took almost dying to get to where I am now. I cannot risk relapsing into alcoholism and suicidal thoughts again.
There is something that I cannot understand in this situation. I did something disgusting and lied to my friends and I hate myself for it; but this is the most self-loving and caring act I could have done and I equally love myself for it. I don't understand how both of these highly contradicting feelings can come from the same action. I don't understand how this is possible and probably never will.
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90kg.
I am posting this literally a second after writing about her again but this is just as important. Since I can ever remember I hated my body. I always saw myself as too fat regardless of my bmi or whatever. I didn't work out in a way that mattered because I needed mass and I was terrified of gaining any. During university I was at 70kgs, weak and I felt miserable all the time.
As of today, 12.08.24, 04.56, I am at 90kgs. I am working out 2 hours almost every day, eating somewhat right and I finally got to a weight that fits my height. For the first time in my life I am happy with how I look and if I dare to speak kindly about myself for once, I look pretty nice.
There is the anxiety part about how people I used to know will view me but I will try to look past it. I am trying to have a life even with no eyes watching me. Almost everyone I know saw me at 75kgs max and now I'll stay at 90 and honestly if I can increase the intensity of my workouts, I'd want to push to 95 and 100 someday. One step at a time because currently I don't have the discipline to hold that weight and look anything but like a whale. Regardless, I am happy now and I would be happy then. I rather feel chubby and strong than to not even have the will and strength to get off the damn bed.
25 is pretty late for someone to start their life at but this is the life I have and I'll do the best with the cards I have. Everything I do lags behind my peers by multiple years but I have no need to catch up. I am trying to be glad to stay alive and I am achieving it every day now. Bless.
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She is precious. Our friendship is the most valuable friendship I have ever had. I feel guilty to have a crush on her because I don't want to mess things up but it is impossible to not feel overwhelmed by how awesome she is. Everything is too good to be true. She is precious.
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I don't know why I get attached way too fast and fall way too hard. Recently I started to get very upset at I don't even know what and that wave of sadness came with clarity on many things. In my friendships there is always a huge imbalance. My lack of communication skills does not help this at all of course but I need to constantly remind myself of that fact. I get too focused on what I feel and I get lost in my own head. Reality is, from their perspective, whatever is happening is not at all this intense or important. I am happy with myself that I finally acknowledged this issue. I don't know how to work on fixing it, but I have a problem to focus on now. With this in mind, I need to change how I approach to people around me.
It is very tiring to analyse social life. I hated looking in the mirror and practicing smiling, happy face, sad face, "idle facial animation" etc because I wanted to fit in. I am still not able to fit in, still struggle with those things, and I am realising more and more parts where I fail to understand. It is draining my energy and honestly will to participate in any relationships. With some people everything takes less effort but still. Idk I am just yapping again. I forgot my diary back at home so need somewhere to channel this or imma get drunk.
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I end up spending a lot of time thinking about you. We are friends now and honestly you are one of the best friends I ever had. I would be the luckiest person if we stay the same way but I am a dumbass who wants more. You are caring, passionate, loving, enthusiastic about almost everything and all of the great things come in that hot body. Really hard to not feel this way.
I hope whatever goes on in the next couple months I'll still be lucky enough to listen to you yap for hours about any of your interests. It has been the best part of our relationship and I look forward to it each time.
I'll go away and feel awkward for a week now because I wrote a short line about feeling physical attraction towards someone and my dumbass brain still feels weird about it for some inexplicable reason.
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Aside from the fact that I am insecure and must get past 150+wpm, I play typeracer to find quotes like this one I pasted below. As I am typing and trying to focus on typing faster I am also slowly understanding the meaning of the text. Every now and then it is a text that moves me greatly. Love this one too.
"People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I've learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked. And if one gains the immediate purpose of the lie - the price one pays is the destruction of what the gain was intended to serve. The man who lies to the world is the world's slave from then on."
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I don't want to fall for a friend. You are too precious and I love what we have right now. Wanting more has the risk of ruining what we have now. You are too much though. Packed full of love and care and you are so genuine. How can I not feel this way?
I want to listen to you talk about anything you want for days. I love it when you are enthusiastic about something. You are brilliant.
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"It is no worse because I write of it. It would be no better if I stopped my most unwilling hand. Nothing can undo it; nothing can make it otherwise than as it was."
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She is really precious. She means well with everything she does and involves me in her life. Such an amazing person. No song with this entry. I just wanted to write about how cool she is. Beautiful.
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why is texting her make me feel so good aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
as a friend, as a crush idc she is so cool
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This is supposed to be a diary so I'll try to stay fully honest about a serious topic. I am embarrassed about this but shouldn't matter.
Only reason I look down on alcoholism is because it might cause me to lose my hair. I am that vain. I am more likeable, more sociable, overall a better person when I drink. All of my qualities as a human being only gets better the more I drink. I hate to be an alcoholic, it is a weakness to be dependant on something to function semi normally. But I am one and GOD DAMN IT I hate that I like to be one. I am a better person with alcohol.
I think the main reason why is when I am almost completely blacked out I get a sense of what non autistic people, who don't have my level of anxiety live life as and for the first time I can feel like them instead of just feel jealousy of them. It feels heavenly. When I feel normal I am at my happiest. All my life all I wanted is to be normal and fit in. I never could, but alcohol brings me to that edge before passing out. I wanna quit, I will quit someday but not until I notice physical changes.
I am vain that way. I like my hair way too much. On the plus side, I am bulking right now and I still don't have a belly to show for it. I've been 75kg max my whole early adult life. Everyone in my university saw me at my 70kg phase and now I am at my healthiest at 88kgs. Thats insane.
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