neryslibrary

[neryslibrary]

Yep, agreed - it would have been cool if Sam got to actually use his powers!

someone remind me tomorrow to talk about 2.21 when samdean had a telepathy moment or telekinesis or whatever the fuck it's called. like sam willed that. and dean collapsed cuz it hurt so bad. and sam been going through that. i go nuts about that shit.

[neryslibrary]

Not to rain on your parade, but it was Andy sending the vision to Dean when Sam told him he wished there was a way to let Dean know where they are.

someone remind me tomorrow to talk about 2.21 when samdean had a telepathy moment or telekinesis or whatever the fuck it's called. like sam willed that. and dean collapsed cuz it hurt so bad. and sam been going through that. i go nuts about that shit.

[neryslibrary]

Changing Channels 5x8. Entertaining just from the qurkiness of the episode. We finally meet Sampala and there are some very entertaining fics about this. We meet Dean's tv crush, Dr Sexy who def looks like a lesser version of Sam, sort of like a porno version of Sam as I once read somewhere.

Episode-inspired fics:

Casa Erotica: Brotherly Love by ellerkay (bottom Sam)

Playing Our Roles by alwaysthrowsscissors (bottom Sam)

Anatomy of a Sampala by ladygizarme

porno by ani_coolgirl (bottom Sam)

Taking Care of Sammy by morganaDW (morgana07) (bottom Sam)

Channel 67 by thedropoutandthejunkie (iaintafraidofnoghostbear)

[neryslibrary]

When people are like “I hope my sons have a relationship like Sam and Dean!” I’m just like do you??? Do you really??? Why?!

Even if you don’t see the sexual undertones there, do you actually want your children to have THAT kind of relationship? Let’s take a moment to examine Sam and Dean, shall we?

Sam and Dean are grown men who, with the exception of Jess, have never had any long term deep emotional or romantic relationships. Even from a platonic standpoint, they essentially do not have real friends besides one another. They have bizarre boundaries and Dean literally wouldn’t have sex without getting a thumbs up from Sam and knowing he was watching IN CANON well into their 20s. (There were blackout curtains available for privacy, but Dean left them open so Sam could see their shadows for the entire thing. That’s fucking weird!!!)

Dean literally cannot cope with Sam dying to the extent that he sells his soul, gets tortured in hell, and never truly recovers from the trauma. Sam is so fucked up over Dean dying that he literally tries to open the gates of hell and march in there without a fucking plan just to get him out, or to join him. Sam and Dean do horrific things to themselves and others when their brother is in danger. Sam and Dean are toxic and a danger to everyone around them. They are codependent, entangled, boundary-less monsters who will let the world burn for one another. They are controlling abusive nightmares. They are terrifying and terrible and perfect exactly as they are and are not to be touched, but they are not something to aspire to.

They are men in their 30s-40s who can’t wash a dish without one another.

Are you really sure that that’s the type of relationship you want your children to have? REALLY?

[neryslibrary]

my mom just innocently pointed out that, even though dean is described as the gruffer one of the two, he’s actually the one (at least up until season 8) who forms more emotional connections. castiel, ben, krissy, benny

sam, on the other hand, has far fewer connections, and the ones he does have are tied to dean’s presence or absence and aren’t as lasting or intense as dean’s. sam grows closer to ruby to fill the void left by dean’s absence at first and later to rebel against his will. amelia stops being a connection the very moment sam knows that dean is alive and back, and he is more than aware of it (and kind of okay with it too)

what’s telling is that sam never demanded that dean leave lisa and ben (though soulless sam got a certain satisfaction from knowing dean had chosen him), while dean wants sam to choose between him and amelia

sam’s lack of connections highlights just how unbalanced their relationship still is in season 8 and how much dean is able to manipulate him and burn bridges around him to maintain full control over sam

he really is an abused wife 😔

[neryslibrary]

croatoan my beloved,,

dean letting sam make the decision to untie the kid, even though he was so against it,, even if it’s just in a refusal to admit he was wrong

dean really insisting on waiting if sam turns when he wouldn’t wait until the kid turned, threatening to kill a guy just because he’s trying to do the thing he was about to do earlier (the right thing)

“it’s going to be your funeral”

dean is literally okay on dying if it’s with sam; even when sam is begging for him not to

“you could keep going”

“who says i want to?”

[neryslibrary]

In season 1 of supernatural ep 21 (I think) there's this dialogue, about John, that goes:

Dean: I would feel a lot better if we were there backing him up

Sam: I'd feel a lot better if he were here backing us up

The context is kind of important but I'm tossing it aside for now, because I think this two lines describe perfectly the brother's dinamic towards John (at least in the early seasons). I just kept thinking about it.

[neryslibrary]

sam as a character that breaks the 'us vs them' dichotomy of hunting with the conditions of his monstrosity is not only something that is deeply inherent to the narrative's exploration of the familial dynamics that sam disrupts, both metaphorically (in terms of hunting as a metaphor for the cycle of abuse) and literally but it's also something that is deeply internalised by every character that bears witness to the same conditions of sam's monstrosity that the audience does but most importantly both dean and sam himself.

there are a lot of aspects to the way that dean approaches sam's involvement within his own agency/independence as well as The Family Business that mirror or directly correlate with sam's monstrosity and when it's worth condemnation vs not but by far the most interesting aspect of this to me is the fact that there is an inherent separation between the idea of sam, sammy, that is not monstrous but is capable of becoming so and the sam that is unknowably monstrous and is capable of corrupting/encroaching on/preying on the sammy isn't/is not yet monstrous. like this idea is mostly explored within dean's idea of sam and monstrosity, either separately or together, but there are a few moments within which sam demonstrates a subconscious awareness of this separation, and subjects himself to it as well, and most of them are within 4.21 and explored as the fact that the Sam—corrupted and monstrous—that Sammy—othered regardless—is to be protected from is ultimately someone that sammy cannot escape. it is in him and evil ('them') and giving into it means freedom or an entire 'acceptance' (the usage of his monstrosity—"maybe there's no escape. after all, how can you run from what's inside you?" / "don't let anyone or anything get in your way."—something he's explicitly expressed since 4.04) of himself.

there will always be an 'us vs them'. it is vital to supernatural. and regardless of the fact that sam exists to break the dichotomy, the dynamic of the structure is one that demands you fit into it and ultimately, i think this manifests within the ideas of sam's monstrosity, more than it does around it, while he perpetually struggles to fit into his role under 'us' so much so that his struggle becomes a vital part of his role. it becomes a non-role that's present in examples of the dynamics of his and dean's relationship as well as the patriarchal structure that i've talked about previously

[neryslibrary]

i think it's interesting that samuel compares 6.01 dean to the idealised version of mary as his daughter in the same vein that the version of mary that dean attempted/attempts to emulate within his perceivable parentification is his and john's idealised version of mary. like in a very similar way to the idea that both john and dean have their idealised Sammy whose role fundamentally includes his exclusion (which is, by proxy, his inclusion) from the familial dynamic which influences his own desire to exist outside of this familial dynamic vs mary whose campbell familial role fundamentally includes her desire to exist outside of the familial role while she finds that she is unable to escape her inclusion within that role

and this is besides the more obvious idea that samuel does not know dean nor does he know, much less, understand the scope of dean's relationship with the nuclear. i think his comparison of dean to mary is much more related to his synonymy of masculinity and hunting that both hunters and the narrative have and dean's year-long existence outside of hunting; dean has strayed from the hunting ideal of masculinity and samuel constantly projects this onto dean despite his proving otherwise. like samuel does it again in 6.07 when he assigns dean a 'lesser' role while pairing him with a woman on a hunt

[neryslibrary]

in relation to adihildilid's post about the similarities between sam and dean and dean and john's relationship re: the cycles of abuse; the show's heteronormativity portrays physical violence as inherent to the masculine condition. as in, sam and dean aren't portrayed as being explicitly scared of direct physical violence between them¹ partially because supernatural's narrative portrays that as being How Men Express Emotions (to other men).

i'm relating this to my interpretation of sam's relationship with/a portrayal of his gender within an allegorical patriarchal structure within the narrative—and how it relates to his codependency with dean—where sam is largely emasculated due to his non-role², his varying relationship with hunting³, as well as his perceivable monstrosity within this structure, which leaves him within either what is usually a traditionally feminine role or some kind of free-to-interpret gender related liminal space. whenever sam expresses his masculinity in the way the narrative has set as the standard for masculinity, it's perceived as a deviancy from his role within this patriarchal structure; he stops being seen as Sammy, dean's little brother. we see it in season three when sam begins specifically acting like dean in his response to premeditative grief about dean's death: his new behaviour is conflated with his monstrosity and is explicitly condemned and questioned by the narrative. similarly, sam punching dean in 4.21 when the levee breaks after a season's worth of examples of sam's refusal to fold back into his non-role following dean's ressurection, this action, previously seen as the perceived Masculine way of expressing emotion whenever dean punched sam, is now seen as a negative and unsympathetic reaction because, due to both the existing codependent dynamic that sam has refused to lean into as well as this build up of his monstrosity (which is inherently conflated with sam's insistence on independence), it represent a deviation from his role within this allegory.

¹and the thing is that. as soon as sam does show fear relating to physical violence within his relationship with dean ie. sam's later-seasons flinches in reaction to dean's violence (destroying things in his environment), it's largely perceived as unconventional to anything that the show portrays. it's often regarded as jared padalecki's bad acting or (more crudely) a character bleed from his own mental struggles but these interpretations exist largely because it's an emasculating response based on the show's own standard of masculinity—dean (and his facade), a patriarch, being largely representative of this standard.

²an inherent struggle to fit into the role of sam as dean's little brother.

³which is very often closely tied to masculinity and is a relationship that is consistently portrayed as varying all the way into season eleven (even when dean's relationship with hunting changes circa season six his perceived masculinity changes).

[neryslibrary]

the thing that gets me about the 1.18 something wicked, "i wish i could have that kinda innocence." / "if it means anything, sometimes i wish you could too," is that it really does set a perceivable foundation of dean's dichotomy about sam's innocence vs sam's monstrosity, how he kind of exaults sam's innocence and the pursuit of it all the way into thinking of sam as encroaching on sam himself (but to dean, encroaching on Sammy). like it starts in season two with dean being unable to see sam as anyone But sammy, the sammy that was The Job that john left him, a Job that he resented just as much as couldn't find himself getting out of, then it became a sort of disjunction between the sammy dean died knowing and the sam he came back to. <- i think it's very important to consider sam's attempt at independence in season four and how it does eventually become tied up in his perceivable monstrosity.

4.04 metamorphosis, "the way you talk to me, the way you look at me like i'm a freak! you know, or even worse, like i'm an idiot! like i don't know the difference between right and wrong!" / "do you know the difference, sam? i mean, you've been kind of strolling a dark road lately." literallyyy his (attempt at) independence (and otherwise rejection of his and dean's existing codependent dynamics) being conflated with his monstrosity and being perceived as divergence from who dean perceives as his little brother. and the same thing happens to soulless!sam !! his explicit rejection of his and dean's codependent dynamic, which also turns into an attempt to exert autonomy, ultimately becomes evidence for his monstrosity, an encroaching on the Sammy that exists and needs saving, as perceived by dean

[neryslibrary]

anyway on the note that part of the point of season four sam is that he's trying his damnedest to not fall back into the formula of his and dean's relationship (also reminder that the last time they ever even had this relationship, sam was legitimately losing his mind out of grief), 4.21 when dean demonstrates the practicality of his knowledge of sam before proceeding to also demonstrate how much he actually misunderstands the intent of sam's actions, just echoes how horrifying their relationship is. there's such a large gap between Sam and Sammy that sam is constantly trying to breach that dean is unable to and sometimes flat out refuses to explore in favour of their abusive dynamic largely because of where he lies within it (having more control both over their relationship, and sam himself, as well as how people/the narrative/third party characters interpret their relationship (example: how benny responds to sam's wariness and outright bloodlust about benny's existence. it's pretty clear he sees sam through dean)) and/or the comfortability that the relationship provides—largely when it comes to enabling and reinforcing his actions, "i may not think things all the way through. but what i do, i do because it's the right thing. i'd do it again." also but unrelated re: dean continuing to cosplay as sam's father/mother way past moments where it may be necessary to do so when previously expressing a want to be released from that role. it's about the dynamic of control it provides

[neryslibrary]

there's something really specific about sam's relative possession and all around autonomy violation in 14.15 peace of mind that i find really horrifying. like sam used to have similar abilities (or abilities that would have panned out to be very similar if he'd explored it further) and those abilities exist through the violation of his autonomy, a kind of violation that he both continues to fight and a kind that he (relatively) gives into more than once to save other lives. it's become the crux of his trauma; if there's one thing that stands out about sam winchester as a character at this point, it's that the idea of any kind or variation of possession (or general violation of bodily autonomy) festers like an an infected wound. but by season fourteen, he's so beat down (for a lack of better phrase), he starts ignoring issues as long as the people around him do and he tramps down his own for the benefit of others; he sways in any direction dean or his general environment does and his agency extends to what will be best for others or dean rather than himself. in 14.15, he literally takes comfort in the control of his mind. he uses it as a crutch for dealing with the loss of his team of hunters. that kind of autonomy violation used to be something he was immune to, something he didn't even have to brush off because of how unaffected he was (2.05, simon said), then it was a means to an end, then it was something that made him angry, and now it's something he finds comfort in. honestly that track of trauma response is very well written, like the idea of your trauma becoming something you find comfort it but. that's also just straight up fucking horrific

[neryslibrary]

i think of mystery spot as a direct violation of sam's (and dean's) autonomy just as much as other, more explicit instances of bodily violation, the only difference being that it's sam's reality that's being violated, which also does go hand-in-hand with and build upom violations of his body/being. there's the violation of dean's body through repeated, unstoppable deaths as well as the concept that sam has to watch this violation a clockwork orange style, along with the false pretence of control. gabriel has unintentionally built upon the steady breaking down of sam's relationship with autonomy way before ruby with her explicit rape and demon blood, way before the panic room and way before lucifer by perpetuating the lack of control both azazel's blood and his ressurection introduced into his life.

like the azazel storyline is a testament to how much of sam's own autonomy he's willing to fight for despite the implication and later proven fact that he never had it in the first place (the fact that he was fed azazel's blood as a baby) and mystery spot, being is a pretty good and explicit example of autonomy lost over sam's own reality, it mirrors the effect that azazel had over his life in that he is being forced to accept a fact of his life (that he is going to lose dean vs ideas relating to his monstrosity) while there is a level of pretence about the real amount of control he has over the situation. sam's abilities don't do much except propell him in the direction of azazel's plans for him despite the guise of saving lives and the nature of a time loop inherently includes/implies a way out but gabriel bends this aspect of it and he takes advantage of sam's lack of control by faking the way out,. perpetuating the core theme of the loop itself into wednesday (<- also a cycle of abuse metaphor). the whole point is just that he never did have full control over any of it but the pretence that he did and the apparant and continuous forceful removal of this pretence like taking off the back of a computer to show you every wire inside introduces a level of sheer horrific violation over his reality.

and the thing is, sam's hallucinations in 7.01 and 7.02 work in a similar way; his hallucination of lucifer centres itself around the idea of, "[sam] not knowing what’s real, the paint slowly peeling off [sam's] walls." that he never did, ever have control over his reality since getting out of the cage and that it was all pretend. and it's possible to thematically link the deal dean made to bring sam back to life -> gabriel's violation of sam's reality -> dean forcibly recovering sam's soul -> the decomposition of sam's reality as a result of his schizophrenia. just !! 3.11, "the joke is on you, sam," and 7.02, "there’s only one way to figure it out, sam. it's up to you," and, 3.11, "so this is fun for you? killing dean over and over again? / yes. it is fun" and 7.02, "why would i end it? not like we got hbo in the pit. all i got is you."

[neryslibrary]

i largely interpret sam's season three 'if i'm going to exist in a world without dean i have to be more like him' -> season four 'i have existed in a world without dean and i think i'm stronger than him' mindset as being 'i have existed outside of my role as dean's little brother and am unable to fold myself back into that box, and i quite frankly refuse to do so'. it's about 4.21 when the levee breaks; the panic room and his slow death after a loss of autonomy by being locked in there against his will as being representative of his relationship with dean. if to choose dean is to choose a forceful removing of autonomy for the sake of remaining within the bounds of their codependency then of course he chooses anything but. it wasn't ever about dean specifically, it was about freedom from the relationship

[neryslibrary]

one of my favourite things to encounter in a pre-series fic is the idea that sam starts arguments or pisses john off on purpose because abusers and their supporters really do think like that. sam's a child that's 1) grappling for control, 2) subject to multiple different types of isolation at once and 3) simply asking questions he's entitled to the responses for—he's not responsible for how the parent reacts to him. either way it gives a lot of credit to john's behaviour as a straight line from his canon reactions to sam as well as how the abusive dynamic of his and dean's relationship work. dean's own issues, projected outwards towards sam within his abusive actions, unjustly becomes sam's responsibility and something he has to constantly cater towards within his own person. it all eventually comes to a head re: how dean handles jack; sam becomes responsible for excusing dean's actions and perpetuating them through either non-action or reluctantly going along with it and by doing so, he too is responsible for abusing jack. dean did the same thing with john's actions in season one

[neryslibrary]

I still maintain that azazel was the best villain of the show -- only not really /azazel/, like YES azazel, but more so the Yellow Eyed Demon.

because the lore on the yellow eyed demon was DEEP. not in that there was a lot of a material to pull from the public domain or look up, but because of the compounding impact it has on the characters. when we open on the pilot, the yellow eyed demon is the reason for the season, y'all! this IS the DI-RECT CAUSE of john winchester's twenty-two year revenge mission, on which he has dragged his sons and ruined his own life. azazel was scary! he was insidious, and he just got better with time! popping up in john, and then in sam campbell? scary! the csa coding with sam, and the parental-incest coding with dean and mary? fucking insidious! the yellow eyed demon was a WELL of fuckery and in-universe lore -- big deep dark hole that you could throw shit into and never hit the bottom.

and after they'd killed off the YED, every "big bad" after that was just a little puddle. not very deep, and we always got to the bottom of it pretty damn quick.