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[neptunesrains]

To old friends

When I was 16 I got into my first long term relationship. This was with an 18 year old and I really enjoyed the freedom and new friends that it brought me.

I was quite upset when my school friend, E, wormed her way into the group. A part of me wanted distance from her, as she was an overwhelming person and I was a selfish teenager. She was sick, both mentally and physically, and I struggled with her greatly. I was not equipped to deal with her BPD, and I became especially resentful after an argument in school that she says she cannot remember but left me very distressed.

Regardless, we worked through the issue and she became their friend too. And they all seemed to resent me in the end. Perhaps this was deserved, but I never understood why. After the first lockdown, they started to mock the things I said or ignore them completely. I was not invited to gatherings that E was, despite my own boyfriend being there, and there were occasions where she hung out with just him, hosted their New Years party, and slept beside him in bed 'with pillows between them.'

All these situations upset me greatly, though obviously mostly the last. My new years was ruined and nobody told me they had slept in the same bed, only the same room, until a few weeks after. When I confronted E about this over messages, absolutely furious, she said she had just been raped and couldn't deal with it. I let it pass, because I had no idea what to do with that information, and I part of me never truly believed her, though I would never dare say that.

The boyfriend, C, was well meaning but really fucking stupid. He did stupid shit, and I was introduced to a BDSM sexual relationship, my first sexual relationship, at 16. This led to me suddenly becoming withdrawn and uncomfortable around sex at 17, and after three months of me not wanting to have sex with him he began to complain to mutual friends about it. I broke up with him. I found out that E had listened to these talks a few times and never spoke to me about them.

L is another girl in this group; the girlfriend of my then boyfriends best friend. I thought she was a bit off but always really tried to be friends with her. In the half year or so after the first lockdown ended that I was still with my bf and in the group, I felt so lonely and really tried to be friendly with her. One night, while I was being ignored, she approached me and I felt true happiness. It felt like somebody finally cared. She asked me how I was and we talked about things and she continued asking over messages for a few months afterwards. It was only a few weeks after the break up with my BF that E indulged to me that L was getting 'information' off of me to then gossip about with the group when I was not there. The utter betrayal I felt was unlike anything and I have never hated another person more in my life. Call it childish, but it's true. I feel nothing but repulsion for her, and I still struggle to have any respect for E (who I am still friends with) for involving herself with that and not telling me when it happened. A part of me resents her for stealing my friends and then disrespecting me so thoroughly time and time again. I have not been perfect at all, and I know I must have committed faults, but I cannot see them myself and I know that it my own fault again.

But, in essence,

I forgive C for warping my idea of healthy sex. You didn't know what was right or wrong either, and I know you tried to be a good boyfriend. I wish you happiness and success in the future.

To L, I struggle to forgive you but I do. I truly believe you sought attention and I was the easiest way to get it. I've gossiped about people behind their back myself, so I can only judge you so much. I hope you heal and become a better person, as I too am trying to become a better person. I cast aside my hatred of you.

To E, I will never love you the way I did when we were children. I was a prick and you were a prick and we have the bones of our friendship and nothing else holding us together. You will always be a part of my life and I am truly glad of that. I forgive you for all the hurt you've caused me, and I hope you forgive me for the hurt I caused you.

I let all of this go now.

[neptunesrains]

Letting go

I have decided to change and to do that I need to let go. I need to forgive those who have wronged me, and forgive myself for my own transgressions as well.

I have decided that confronting the issues that plague me is the best way to start, and so I will start with the most recent 'issue' I suppose.

While on holiday recently, I decided to go out clubbing with my sister. I haven't been clubbing in years and do not like it, but she wanted to go and I thought 'fuck it, why not?'

The drinks were strong- much stronger than I am used to. I spent most of the evening chatting with random people and keeping an eye on my sister and a family friend, but admittedly got far drunker than I realised I was. I don't remember at what point, but we both started speaking to these two guys. I truly do not remember how the conversation started, but one claimed he was 19 (My 18 year old sister spoke to him) and the other, whom I spoke to, said he was 20.

Well the club closed at, I believe, 3AM. The family friend went back to the hotel and gave me updates (s thing I regret greatly. I should have stayed with her, but I was drunk and didn't know what to do. She got back safely) and my sister and I decided to continue the night.

The two boys brought us to a hotel. I remember little, only that the boy, who I'll call S, was gentlemanly. We went to the pool and stripped to our underwear and spent a short time jumping off rocks into the pool. I then went up to the rocks and my sister stayed in the pool with the boy she was with.

I remember kissing S and I have a hazy memory of taking my underwear off. The rest is mostly gone. Before this, I hadn't had sex in two years and knew, without a doubt, that I did not want to again until I absolutely trusted my partner due to these past experiences.

Well I had sex that night. I can say honestly to myself that I know I kept coming back to myself. I told him to stop or to wait several, I believe 4, times. I do not remember how we ended up having sex again and again. I do remember eventually getting him to stop and actually stopping him from continuing several times until I came down from the rocks.

It dawned on me on the walk back that I was still so drunk I couldn't get my words out right (6am). I realised I had just had sex and cried as soon as I got back to the room. The next day, with a massive hickey on my neck, I cried repeatedly again until the evening. I had to pretend I was completely fine because I didn't know how to deal with it. How could I blame him when he was likely also drunk? How do I comprehend or understand a situation I don't remember? Then, in looking him up, I found out he was 16. Looking at him now, I see the baby face, but it was dark and I was drunk. At 21, I feel completely sickened by this information. I texted him and he said he was 20, but I found his acting profile and a YouTube video of his, both stating he was 16. I know it's not my fault; that he lied to me. I know that I would not have consented to sex in any way if I wasn't that drunk and he hadn't lied. I still feel sick. It might not have been rape, but I feel like something was taken from me and I cannot get it back. I cannot speak to my peers because I am ashamed and sickened and I don't want to make it real. I have spoken to one person in real life about this and she has attempted to make several jokes about the situation and his age, which has made me incredibly resentful of her. This has further complicated things, because she is my best and closest friend and I don't currently have many.

I have blocked S and do not believe I will speak to another about this situation, both out of shame and because I want to move on. This situation is the past and I do not intend to carry it with me.

So.

To S, I forgive you for lying to me. I feel like you took advantage of me, but I really cannot work it out. So I leave it behind me.

To my friend, I forgive you for joking. You are immature and I have known that for years. I know I must rise above it.

To my family friend, I am sorry for letting you walk home alone when I should have been there. It was reckless and irresponsible.

And to me. I forgive myself for getting so drunk and for letting myself get into such a situation. I have learned from this as I feel I needed to.