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neocuddlytechnology · 2 years ago

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Friends Aren’t Forever

“we’re just friends, but every day you break my heart.” or alternatively, in which the feelings you harbor for your best friend just might kill you.

✫ pairing: lee jeno x female reader

✫ genre: hanahaki disease au, college au, angst

✫ warnings: language, unrequited love, one-sided pining, hurt feelings, a ridiculous amount of heartbreak, subpar knowledge of flowers, descriptions of vomiting and pain, mentions of death

✫ word count: 6.8k

Having a first love was meant to be a sweet memory that was often perpetually revered and looked back upon fondly.

This, unfortunately, did not apply to your situation.

As you looked back, you could pinpoint the exact moment it happened; the moment that you would later define not as falling for your first love, but as the beginning of the end. This ending came in the form of a sweet, attractive boy named Lee Jeno.

Your friendship with him had formed purely through chance, and even back then it had felt like some inexplicable glitch in fate’s course that was never corrected. It all started when Jeno’s lab partner transferred to a different school. Many people were insistent on having him sit at their table to form a group. Everyone except you—the only person in the class who didn’t have a partner.

To this day, you weren’t sure what possessed Jeno to take the empty seat next to you. Part of you assumed that he wanted to secure a light work load, but that didn’t seem to be the case when he turned those lovely eyes on you.

"You don't have a partner, right?"

The nerves coiling in your stomach didn't allow you to speak. You only managed to give a weak nod as a response. This seemed to be enough for him since he gave you a smile that made his eyes form into crescents. "Then, can I be yours?"

If you had to pick a moment where the seed of your love was planted, then this would be it.

At first, you naively thought it was possible to keep Jeno at a distance. If you remained as casual friends who only spoke during class, it would be very unlikely for you to develop feelings for him. Drawing a line between you two was easy enough back then since the social hierarchy that dictated every high school since the beginning of time would never allow for anything other than a casual acquaintanceship.

However, you discovered too late that Lee Jeno didn't care about the social hierarchy in spite of being one of the most popular boys at your school. And so, he gradually wedged his way into your life and into your heart.

Back then you didn't realize that accepting Jeno's friendship was the same as a kiss of death.

After graduation, you could no longer deny that you had developed feelings for Jeno. You had panicked at first, but managed to calm down and convince yourself that this infatuation was nothing more than a passing emotion which you didn't need to put a lot of importance on. Again, a severe miscalculation on your part.

The affection you felt developed further and into something more intense the summer before you two started college. You could recall the moment of realization you had which made it undeniable that what you felt wasn't going to go away. It happened when Jeno finally confessed which college he was going to. For some reason he had kept it a secret from everyone, and now that summer was coming to an end he felt like it was time to tell you.

"We're going to the same college." He told you with the eye-smile you loved so much.

The amount of relief and excitement you felt was unrivaled. For the longest time you had worried about what the distance would do to your friendship. Your worries melted away as you threw your arms around his neck and squealed joyfully.

You pulled back with a raised eyebrow. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because when I applied, I didn't know if I would get in. I'm glad it all worked out because I don't want to be away from you."

Admittedly, you often thought about those words whenever you couldn't sleep, or any time your mind wandered, really. Unbeknownst to you, the seed of your love was now firmly embedded in the depths of your heart, and it had started to root.

People often said that absence made the heart grow fonder, and unfortunately for you that was the exact case. Despite being in the same school, you rarely saw Jeno. Between his schedule not aligning with yours to making respective friends, there was little to no time for you two to spend together.

The growing distance bothered you at first. You had grown so used to Jeno's presence that you forgot what it felt like without him around. At the same time, his absence was the only thing grounding you (and your feelings) to reality. It took that drastic shift for you to take a step back and realize that the separation was the crutch you needed to get rid of your feelings once and for all.

Your plan didn't get very far.

Once again, Jeno had managed to wedge his way back into your life at the most unexpected time.

"So, you're going home during break?"

The question had been casual, so nonchalant that you didn't bother looking up from the suitcase you were packing. If you had, you would've seen the upset frown on Jeno's face.

"Yeah." You told him absentmindedly. "Chenle is going to visit his parents, and I don't feel like going to that marketing seminar with Renjun."

Jeno stayed quiet for a moment. You almost thought the conversation was over until he spoke again.

"Can... Can I come with you?"

The uncertainty in his voice made you pause. You looked up from your spot on the ground to find Jeno staring at his fidgeting hands—a nervous tick he'd had since you met him. You furrowed your eyebrows unable to understand why he was acting so strangely. "Aren't you going to the beach with Mark and Haechan?"

Jeno's expression kept you from finishing what you were doing. Had something happened between him and his friends? Just as you were about to ask, he looked up. His gaze was a mixture of melancholia and resignation. It took a deep breath and slight tick of the jaw for him to finally get his words out.

"I mean, I was, but that was before I found out you weren't going to come with us."

His words sent your heart into overdrive. You knew he didn't mean them in the way you desperately wanted him to, but they held just enough affection to make your heart flutter. Jeno's shining eyes were piercing into you, and it made you feel like the emotion filling up your chest was one second away from bursting. The affect he had over you was almost frightening, but in that moment you could only focus on the hurt and disappointment his eyes held.

You frowned sympathetically. "Jeno—"

"When Haechan said he invited you, I assumed you said yes. I never thought you would make plans that didn't involve me."

The entire time you knew he was speaking only as your best friend, but your foolish heart concentrated on what could possibly be perceived as a romantic implication. Your brain was capable of differentiating reality from what was simply wishful thinking; if only the obstinate organ in you chest had the same capacity.

"You only thought about what your new friends were going to do which is fine, that's fine, but..." Jeno let out a vexed huff. "But I thought you missed me too."

Admittedly, his misinterpretation of your actions did nothing to suppress your growing feelings. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew it wasn't smart to Jeno get so close again. Unfortunately, the dejected expression on his face refuted any reason you had to keep your distance.

Going back home with Jeno was a fatal mistake. Spending spring break with him and coming back closer than ever caused the emotion planted in your heart to sprout.

And it was soon thereafter that you realized even the best of friendships don't last forever.

The first real rift was formed when Jeno mentioned that Haechan set him up on a blind date with a girl from his major. It was difficult to stifle your blatant feelings as you casually asked him if he was actually going to go. Unsurprisingly, you felt jealous and just about every other shitty emotion anyone could feel after your best friend told you that he was going to meet the girl.

That night was one of the worst of your life. You laid in your bed for hours, listlessly staring up at the ceiling. There was a dull ache in your chest as you thought up countless scenarios of Jeno and this unknown girl falling in love. You were aware that it was pitiful, but your overactive mind wouldn't have been so insistent if your best friend had bothered to text you that night. He never did.

For weeks, the pain in your chest kept growing as you drove yourself crazy about Jeno's inexplicable silence. He hadn't mentioned anything about his blind date. At least, not to you. His uncharacteristic actions almost tempted you into asking his friends if they knew anything about the blind date and if Jeno had decided to keep talking to the girl. The fear of them discovering your feelings and telling your best friend held you back.

Ignorance is bliss, and you wished you had remained in that blissful state forever.

The real pain began when Jeno invited you to get lunch with him and his friends. None of them realized you were near the table they were waiting at and were speaking freely. It was Haechan's words that made you freeze.

"—didn't think you would become an actual couple."

There was an unpleasant jerk in your chest, but you forced yourself to keep listening.

"Yeah." Mark agreed with a teasing smile. "You and Hana really hit it off."

"She's amazing." Jeno sighed like a love-stricken schoolboy.

"Honestly, we always thought you and Y/N would end up together." Haechan admitted.

Jeno scoffed. "You guys know that we're just friends. I've never even thought of her like that."

His words cut deep, but you weren't sure why. This whole time you knew how he felt, or rather how he didn't feel. The entire span of your friendship was proof of that since Jeno had never once shown any signs of having even the tiniest bit of romantic interest in you. It was obvious that your best friend’s feelings didn't go beyond friendship, and you were okay with that.

At least, that's what you had managed to convince yourself to believe up until you felt a tickle at the back of your throat that forced you to cough up a single flower petal. Even though your vision was blurry with tears, you could see the lilac petal clear as day. You stifled a sob as you took in its lovely purple color because you knew that the flower and it's color represented what you were beginning to resent the most: first love.

That single lilac petal accentuated the juxtaposition of it's beauty and its horrid significance. It was tangible proof that made it impossible to keep believing your own lie.

You somehow managed to pull out your phone and sent Jeno a text to cancel before you quickly walked away from the root of your heartbreak that was now in full bloom.

After that day, you avoided Jeno and strategically hid your illness from all the people in your life. Your plan worked out well since it seemed like everyone else was too busy dealing with their own issues to notice yours. For a quick second, you believed that keeping up the joyful facade going was to work out for you. And it might have if you had never agreed to go to the party Chenle's frat was throwing.

It was there that you were finally forced to face Jeno, except he wasn't alone.

There was an unspoken tension between you and your best friend as he introduced you to Hana who he had apparently been dating for over a month. He seemed ashamed to let the detail slip, and it felt almost as scathing as the fact that he presented you as Renjun's friend—who Hana had already knew. In that moment you didn't feel like the one person who knew him better than anyone else. In fact, right at that moment it felt like you didn't know Jeno at all.

This, of course, triggered a familiar ache in your chest that would soon come up in the form of lilac petals.

"How come you've never mentioned her before?"

The worst part about Hana's question was that it didn't come off as mean or offending. She was genuinely curious as to why her boyfriend didn't mention you once even though you two shared many of the same friends. You could feel your throat start to itch as Jeno scrambled to answer her.

"We're not as close as we used to be." You managed to explain in an even tone.

It was easy to ignore the look on Jeno's face because all you could focus on was the growing pain in your chest.

The pain became more intense the longer you talked to the happy couple. It was almost like you could feel the lilac petals in your lungs multiplying and pushing at your throat. You ignored the scratching pain for at long as you could, but eventually you started to feel dizzy. Unwilling to let Jeno—or anyone else—see you cough up what you knew was at the back of your throat, you ran to the nearest bathroom without any explanation.

You stumbled into the restroom in such a panicked rush that you didn't shut the door properly. The base of your throat started to burn as you dropped to your knees in front of the toilet. Tears pooled in your eyes at the feeling of petals clawing their way up your throat. Rather than ending quickly like the other times, the vomiting was prolonged and accompanied by a new pain that you had never experienced before.

You stopped for a moment, letting out a broken whimper at the sight of the bloodstained petals. It was the first time you coughed up blood, and the sight made you feel sick. You could only gaze at the petals for quick a moment before you felt more start to come up. The petals and the pain they brought seemed never-ending.

A foreboding sound of what you could tell was a door opening had you lifting your head in a alarm. At first you could only make out the silhouette of a guy through your tears, and you immediately assumed that it was Jeno. You scrambled to your feet and hastily flushed the toilet. After clumsily wiping your tear-filled eyes, you saw that it wasn't your best friend standing at the door. It was Na Jaemin.

His usual stoic expression had been replaced by a mixture of horror and sympathy. You could tell right then that contrary to your wishful thinking, he had seen the petals spilling from your mouth in the same way they had from his.

Na Jaemin was notorious on campus for choosing to get the surgery to have the fully bloomed flowers in his lungs removed. No one ever knew who he had been in love with, but there were rumors that even he no longer remembered who it was.

"Who... Who is it?" Jaemin asked you in a gentle tone you never imagined he was a capable of speaking in. "Who's doing this to you?"

In that moment it didn't matter that he was a stranger to you, and it also didn't matter that you had no idea whether he was trustworthy or not. Because you had longed to be able to talk to someone about what was happening to you, someone who would understand.

"My best friend."

In an unexpected twist, Na Jaemin sought you out after that night. He made it a point to check up on you and spend his time by your side. You never questioned his actions because you quickly came to find out that his cold appearance only hid his compassionate and caring interior. Having him around numbed the pain of separating yourself from your first love. It was his sweet actions that helped you through what you considered the most painful time in your life.

If Jeno noticed your absence, he didn't show it. The messages that were once an everyday thing turned scarce and dry. Spending time together also became a rarity between you two. It hurt. It hurt more than you thought was possible. Because, yeah, you understood that Jeno didn't have romantic feelings for you, but how could he completely brush aside your friendship as if it meant nothing?

Fortunately for you, the more time you spent with Jaemin and managed to distract yourself from the source of your heartbreak, the better you felt.

Until you didn't.

"It's only going to get worse." Jaemin's voice echoed off the walls, making your eyes widen.

"This is—" you were cut off suddenly by another fistful of petals. "This is the girls bathroom."

You quickly came out of the stall only to shoot Jaemin an evil look after you found him leaning against one of the sinks. "I told you to keep a look out. What if someone sees you?"

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "No one ever comes back here. I know because this is where I used to come to cough up the lilies in private."

It was true. The library bathrooms were in an isolated location that gave off a creepy vibe, and judging from the last five minutes of uninterrupted vomiting, you could conclude that Jaemin was right. This truly was the perfect place to cough up the lilacs in peace.

Jaemin watched you rinse your mouth thoroughly and wipe at your scarlet lips. His eyes were full of concern as he followed you out of the restroom. You two had briefly discussed the topic of surgery, and you were adamant that you didn't want to get it. He understood your reasoning all too well because he too had refused to get the surgery at first. But Jaemin decided that he wouldn't let you make the same mistake he had and let you wait until the disease was in its final stages.

"Are you hungry? We can go to that—"

You cut yourself off when you quite literally almost ran into someone, and you suddenly found yourself at a lost because it wasn't just anyone. Jeno's eyes widened the moment he saw how close you had gotten. He snapped out of his shock-induced haze when you backed away from him as if he had bit you. Seeing you acting like he was some sort of parasite made him feel confused and hurt. Just as he went to say something, Jeno noticed the boy beside you. There was a shift in his usually kind eyes after he realized that Na Jaemin was the one by your side.

The sudden tension in the air was palpable, and you didn't know what to make of the inexplicable hostility. With an uncomfortable cough, you instinctually reached back and took ahold of Jaemin's wrist. Your flight instinct took over and left you with one single thought. The word came to the front of your mind and lit up brightly like a neon sign. Retreat. Retreat. Retreat.

"Sorry." You managed to blurt before you started to tug Jaemin along.

Your getaway was within reach, but was stopped abruptly by a friendly voice that you recognized as Hana’s calling your name. Instead of walking away, you turned around with a stiff smile on your face. She greeted you excitedly, going on about how it felt like she hadn't seen you in forever. You managed to answer her with a convincing lie about how busy you had been lately.

"Come out to eat with us." Hana suddenly suggested.

A polite refusal was on the tip of your tongue, but Jeno cut in before you could say anything. "It's been forever since we've hung out. Just come with us."

Jaemin shot you a look after you reluctantly agreed.

It was awkward. At least, you felt awkward. Hana seemed impervious to the tension while Jaemin could only focuse on your condition. And then there was Jeno who obviously felt some sort of way about your new friend, but was unwilling to say anything.

"So," Hana started, looking at you and Jaemin with a knowing smile. "How long have you guys been dating?"

The only one who gave any sort of reaction was Jeno. His eyes bugged out as he looked from Jaemin to you. "You guys are together?" There was a subtle shift in his gaze as his eyes finally settled on you. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Usually, Jeno could never do anything to make you angry since he was always such a sweetheart, but now you couldn't believe his audacity. Even if you were dating Jaemin (which you weren't), he had no right to call you out for not telling him. Not when you were the last one to find out he was dating Hana, and even then he took two weeks after you overheard his conversation to tell you directly.

"We're not dating." You managed to say, barely powering through the familiar itch that was clawing at your throat. "We're just friends."

Jaemin could tell you were holding back the urge to cough up the lilacs lodged in your throat. He didn't take his concerned gaze off of you even as you began to fidget in your seat. The last thing you wanted was to cough up bloodstained petals in front of a bunch of people, and so he gently put his hand over yours to let you know that he was ready to run off with you at any moment if that's what you decided to do.

"I..." You swallowed thickly as if that would push the petals back down your throat and stop them from coming up. "I need some air."

Both Hana and Jeno were surprised when you stood up hastily, hand already wrapped around Jaemin's larger one. It didn't matter to you that it seemed like you had just lied about the nature of your relationship with Jaemin. You needed to get away from the person who had made lilacs bloom in your lungs. With a muttered apology, you let Jaemin lead you out of the restaurant.

Jeno could only watch, speechless, as you ran off with Na Jaemin.

Thinking you were in the clear after that awkwardly unpleasant exchange was a mistake. Later that night Jeno asked to see you and despite your better judgement, you agreed to meet him outside your apartment.

The second you walked downstairs and into the crisp night, you found your best friend already waiting for you. It was strange to still refer to him as such since he didn't feel like even a regular friend anymore, but your stubborn heart refused to call him anything else since you couldn't call him yours.

As you approached him, you were immediately able to tell that he was upset. You could understand why. From his perspective it seemed like you had rudely ran off without any explanation. As much as it broke your heart, you would rather Jeno think of you as the person who disregarded other people's feelings than find out the truth.

"Hey." You said awkwardly. "What's up?"

Jeno stayed silent for a moment. His shimmering eyes searched yours, trying to figure out what was going on with you. The expression you wore gave nothing away, but if he had looked a little longer he would've seen the exhaustion and sorrow hidden in your eyes.

"I just– Is everything okay?"

You could feel your heart rate pick up out of anxiety. The probability of him finding out about your illness was high since even now you could feel a prickle at the base of your throat. "What do you mean?"

Jeno frowned. Since when were you so closed off whenever he asked you something? "You've been acting different lately."

You weren't sure why his words made a stinging sensation start to jab at the back of your eyes. So now you were the one acting brand new? If thorns weren't poking at your lungs you might've laughed at his flippant remark.

"That's funny." You said in a brittle tone. "Everything changed between us, but it doesn't seem to affect you."

I can see clearly now that it never has.

You barely managed to finish your sentence before Jeno exploded. "Maybe things changed because you've been hanging out with that freak."

His words managed to evoke pure, unadulterated anger from the depths of your broken heart. You held back your tears long enough to glare at him. "Don't fucking call him that." Even you could hear the venom in your voice. "What the hell is your problem with Jaemin, anyway? You don't even know him."

It was no secret that Na Jaemin was often the topic of gossip. After he underwent surgery, a bunch of rumors about him started to circulate throughout the campus. This narrative that the procedure turned him into a cruel, unfeeling freak was one you hated, and you couldn't believe that Jeno was one of the many idiots who believed such moronic lies. His actions made you feel like you had fallen into the middle of some alternate universe. When had the boy who never paid baseless rumors any attention turn this way?

Jeno hadn't meant to act like a total asshole, but seeing you getting along so well with Na Jaemin made him feel like he'd been replaced. He knew he hadn't spent much time with you lately, but that didn't mean you had to find yourself a new best friend. Because that's what it seemed like. If Jaemin wasn't your boyfriend, then he was now your new number one—a spot Jeno thought would always be reserved for him.

Maybe your newfound friendship wouldn't have bothered him so much if it wasn't for the fact that Chenle and Renjun had mentioned that you didn't hang out with them as much anymore because you spent all your time with Jaemin. Didn't that mean he was someone extremely important to you? Perhaps even more important than him?

"Since when are you friends with Na Jaemin?"

Since I started coughing up petals because of you. The acidic words were on the edge of your tongue, but you couldn't force them out. Instead you let out an irritated sigh. "Why are you even mad? Who cares if I'm friends with Jaemin?”

You could feel yourself start to get emotional because it wasn't fair. Jeno was the one who had no problem leaving you behind to live his own life that didn't seem to include you anymore. Now that you had finally found someone who helped take the pain away, he suddenly had a problem with it.

"I just don't get it. Everyone knows getting that surgery is the same as getting rid of your emotions. How can you be friends with someone like that?"

It felt like all the blood in your body rushed up to your ears. Your bottom lip started to tremble in spite of the great effort you made in trying to dominate and conceal your emotions. Was this really the same person who had made it a point to befriend you even though you were a loner? It didn't seem like it.

"So," your voice quivered. "It was wrong of Jaemin to choose himself instead of dying for someone who didn't love him. Is that what you're saying?"

It was foolish to think love was worth dying for, especially an unrequited love. You could see that clearly now.

Jeno's anger dissipated completely when he saw your tear-filled eyes. You rarely got upset to the point of actual tears, and the sight of your heartbroken expression had him reeling with shock. Did Na Jaemin mean that much to you?

"Y/N..."

As he took a step toward you, what you thought to be a sob building in your throat turned out to be a cough. You turned and covered your mouth, stifling the wheeze that was pushing petals out of your mouth. What landed on the palm of your hand made you flinch back in horror. There was drops of blood staining the wilted lilac bud in your hand. It was a reminder of just how far you had let this get.

Fuck. You had to get away from him.

"Y/N, I'm sor—"

"Just go."

Jeno stopped and dropped the hand that was reaching out to you. His heart was pounding harshly against his chest, and it felt like all the blood had drained from his face. "What? Y/N—"

The burning in your lungs was getting worse. Soon you would be vomiting up a horrifying amount of wilted buds, and you couldn't let Jeno see. Salvaging what was left of your friendship no longer mattered. Not when lines had been crossed and Jeno was on the verge of discovering your secret.

"I don't want to see you anymore. Just leave me alone."

Jeno remained frozen in place as you practically ran away from him without looking back once.

It hurt you to cut Jeno off so coldly, but it was for the best. You knew it was only a matter of time before he figured out why you were acting so strangely, and once he did you wouldn't be able to deal with the aftermath. He would demand to know the identity of your unrequited love, and he wouldn't let it go until he found out who it was.

You realized then that the moment you hoped would never come was finally in front of you. It was time to let go of the person you loved the most: your first love.

Unfortunately, your decision didn't stop the lilacs from growing. In fact, the flowers in your lungs seemed to be growing faster than ever. Now you were coughing up fully bloomed flowers. They held a chilling beauty, and you didn't know whether to feel laugh or cry at the sight of just how much your love had grown.

Jaemin began to panic after he found out that you were coughing up flowers now. He knew it wouldn’t be long before you would start to have trouble speaking and even breathing. He grew desperate, trying to talk you into getting the lilacs removed.

"Get the surgery."

You gave Jaemin a weak glare. With one last cough, you threw up the last of the lilacs. The pain was getting to be unbearable, and you weren't sure how much longer you could put up with it.

"I can't afford surgery." You grumbled as you went to rinse your mouth. "You know tha—"

"I'll pay for it." Jaemin said desperately. "I'll pay for everything. Just... just get it. Please."

It was a tempting offer. From what you knew, Jaemin came from money. Real money. The type you could only hope and dream to have but probably never would. Even so, you couldn't allow him to cover your medical expenses. It would take you half your life to pay him back, not to mention the scrutiny you would get from your family and peers. You knew very well what most people thought of the surgery. Many believed it noble to die for love, but in your eyes it was starting to lose its merit.

There was also the frightening possibility that your memory of Jeno would be erased. You could live with no longer having any feelings for your first love, but you wouldn't be able to live without the memories you had made with him. That scared you more than death.

"I'll think about it."

And you did. You spent days thinking about the possible outcome of the surgery. All your feelings toward Jeno would disappear, even the fondness felt between friends. It sounded great for you because you would never have to suffer this emotional and physical pain again, but you weren't sure if you could leave Jeno with a shell of who you were. However, you weren't sure that you were willing to die for the love you had for him.

You barely made it back to your apartment building when you finally made your decision. Without waiting to go inside, you pulled out your phone. Just as you were about to call Jaemin to tell him about your decision, a familiar voice stopped you from dialing his number. You froze, knowing that voice anywhere.

Slowly, you turned around and came face to face Jeno. His eyes, the ones that you loved so much, were lacking their usual spark. You foolishly hoped that it wasn't because of you.

The air between you two was awkward. Never in all the years you had known him had things been this tense between you two. Not even after your first fight. The unease made you accept that this really was the end of your friendship.

"Hey." He said awkwardly. "Can we talk?"

His mere presence sent a sick feeling to your lungs. Oh no. You grit your teeth, feeling tears burn at the back of your eyes. "We have nothing to talk about."

Jeno gave you a pleading look. "I know I said some things that were out of line, but—"

He stopped when you suddenly turned away from him. The subtle shake of your shoulders made him panic. Had he made you cry again? This time, instead of letting you get away he grabbed you by the shoulders and turned you around.

"Y/N... what's—"

Jeno was cut off by your violent coughing. His eyes widened in horror when he saw bloodstained flowers spilling out of your mouth. Not petals, but fully bloomed flowers. They messily fell into your open palms, seemingly never-ending.

Your bloodshot eyes lifted and met his own. His were full of fear and yours were full of dread. You clutched the bloody lilacs to your chest, not knowing what to say. You felt like your overwhelming feelings were making you dizzy. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. This wasn't how you wanted him to find out.

"I'm sorry." You whispered before you collapsed.

The throbbing in your head was almost as painful as the pain in your lungs. You slowly opened your eyes, quickly realizing that you were in a hospital room.

"How are you feeling?" Jaemin asked, his hand tightening against your limp one.

Funnily enough, his presence managed to loosen the ache in your chest. Still, the momentary relief wasn't enough.

"Like shit." You answered honestly.

"About the surgery..."

"I'll get it." You whispered hoarsely. "I was going to tell you, but I ended up here before I could."

Jaemin gave you a teary smile. He gently caressed your head, wondering how he was capable of letting your disease get this far. From the moment he saw you at that party, practically coughing a lung out he swore to himself that he would protect you. That he would take care of you and help you get better.

Before Jaemin could listen to his self-deprecating thoughts any further, Lee Jeno walked into the room. Your hand tightened around his. It would be easy enough to get him to leave, but he knew better than anyone it wasn't what you really wanted. This would be your last chance to share a sentient moment with Jeno before your surgery.

"I'll leave you two alone."

You kept your eyes on Jaemin's retreating back, not sure what to do now that you were left alone with him.

It was silent for a moment before Jeno spoke up. "Why didn't you tell me?"

You pressed your lips together, not wanting to cough up any more flowers. Being near Jeno didn't help, and it was cruelly ironic how he never once thought of that. Of course. He never believed that it could be him who put you the lilacs in your lungs.

"Not telling you made it easier to pretend it wasn't real." You told him after a moment, voice raw and hoarse.

"Who is it?" Jeno demanded. "Tell me."

It's you. The words were simple, but nothing about saying them out loud was. So instead you chose to tell him a different truth. One that would hopefully deviate his attention long enough to make him forget. Once again, wishful thinking.

"I'm getting the surgery."

Jeno didn't say anything. How could he when he had said all those horrible things about Na Jaemin and his decision? While he was calling Jaemin an emotionless freak for getting the flowers removed, you were suffering through the same illness many romanticized. No wonder you didn't tell him. He was a shitty person and an even shittier friend.

"I'll get better, so who it is doesn't matter."

"It does." Jeno declared. "Why don't you want to tell me?"

"I... I can't."

Jeno's eyebrows furrowed angrily. "Why not?"

Your silence didn't deter him. It only made him think of all the possibilities of who it could be. None of those possibilities, however, included himself.

"Is it Jaemin? Or... or is it one of my friends?"

If only that was the case. It would've been easier to get over Mark or Haechan, or even Jaemin. You didn't have the same history with them as you did with Jeno. They didn't help you become who you were now. Everything could've been so much simpler if it was one of them, but it wasn't.

"It doesn't matter anymore." You whispered. "It'll all be over soon."

Jeno frowned. "I'm not going to let this go. After you recover from your surgery, you have to tell me."

You let out a weak sigh. Apparently, not telling him wasn't an option. If you forgot about Jeno after the surgery, that would be the moment he would realize he was the one who made the lilacs bloom inside you. And despite everything, you couldn’t do that to him.

"Jeno." Your voice trembled with sadness and fear. "We... we can't be friends after I get the surgery."

He froze, looking like a kicked puppy. "If this is about what I said before, I didn't mean—"

"No." You cut him off quietly. "That's not it."

"Then what is it?" Jeno asked insistently. "What could make you want to walk away from our friendship?"

You swallowed thickly, knowing this had to be said. It was a scenario you had imagined time and time again, but you never thought that this is how it would play out.

"Because," you began with a weak cough. "You made flowers grow in my lungs, and even though they are beautiful... I can't breathe."

First loves were meant to be beautiful, and yet yours was ending in such an ugly way.

In that moment, Jeno felt like his entire world came crashing down. All this time you had been suffering because of him. How could he not have realized it sooner? Tears gathered in his eyes as he swallowed the whimper at the back of his throat.

"How... how long have you—?"

You coughed weakly. "I'm not sure. Maybe since we met."

"You're dying." He whispered as a single tear fell from his eye. "You're dying because of me."

It was ironic how you were the one laying in the hospital bed yet you longed to comfort him. Another defect of unrequited love, you supposed. "I'm not going to die." You reassured him. "The surgery will help me breathe again.”

"You'll be okay after the surgery." Jeno concluded in what sounded like a deluded happy tone. His face was wet with tears as he stepped closer to you. "After you get better, everything will be okay. If you're worried about forgetting me, I'll meet you again and we can—"

"Do you honestly think we can still be friends after this?"

You didn't mean for your words to sound so cynical and pessimistic, but it was a valid question. How could you two ever go back to the way you were? Surely, even he wasn't naive enough to believe that it could be done. "I know you, Jeno. Even now you're looking at me differently. We can never back to how we were. You know that."

It was a sad truth, but one that you would both have to accept.

Before Jeno could say anything, you started to cough again. This time was worse than all the other times. You were vaguely aware of Jeno calling for help and a panicked Jaemin rushing into the room. He attempted to help you get the flowers out, but this time it seemed like there were too many for you to cough out.

Black dots began to cloud your vision by the time the doctors and nurses came. They rushed you out of the room, saying something about emergency surgery. Soon enough, you let the darkness overtake you, only conscious of a soft hand holding your own.

#this made me cry #heart is broken #also #hey it’s been a while

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