nenevergonnabeyou

[nenevergonnabeyou]

"look, i've gotten so good at solving jigsaw puzzles! it's so fun."

"that's easy. i can do that too."

"no, please don't. i was just trying to share how good i am now."

"why not?"

"because it hurts thinking somebody would always be better than me, especially if it's my friends."

"do you envy us, gwenne?"

"of course i do. i wouldn't be me if i wasn't always envious about what others can do."

"why?"

"i like knowing im good at things that others can't do. it makes me feel that i, too, can excel at something. i, too, can be the best at something.

i wasn't always like this. but i've shared games only i've discovered to others, taught them how to do it, and then they got too good even i couldn't get to their level.

my father once taught me how to play checkers but i could never beat him. it comes to a point where my tears are slowly falling down but i'm still fighting. i could see him try to stop himself from laughing, maybe about how cute i looked like-- trying to beat him, but i only felt like a loser.

i could only win when he lets me, and he couldn't even act dumb. i know he does it to make me feel good. still, i didn't. and so i kinda carried that with me. why couldn't i be better than him?

these days, i hang with no one but myself. and so the thinking becomes overthinking. from feeling resentment, i've become a resentful person. i think i'm better than everyone else, while still feeling like a loser inside.

i can't help but hate my friends about things i refuse to talk to them about because i figured it would only lead to disagreements. and i, for one, couldn't sit with the fact that i was wrong, and that they were thinking that way.

i couldn't wrap my head around why people do the things they do. not caring about politics or the environment, hurting me with their words, supporting people who have done awful things. i'm too woke, they say. and so i resented them for that.

i will never understand why my family treated me awfully. why couldn't they keep me in a single house when i was young? why didn't they think better so they could protect me from the things i'm feeling right now. they tried, but why didn't they try harder? and so i resented them for that.

i've gotten too attached with resentment that i feel my ego being stepped on whenever it goes away. i hate confrontations because despite being resentful, i still have the softest heart and couldn't even bother to argue when somebody explains their thought process to me. i accept what they can offer, be it an apology or an excuse, and put an end to it by forgiving them or ignoring them forever. and forgiving hurts so much 'cause when i get hurt i'm often stuck with a "why? i would've never done that to you." so why should i forgive? why does forgiving essential for a person to grow? why couldn't i carry all these with me forever? i feel like it's all i have.

i have so many friends, more than anybody could even ask for, yet i still feel so alone. and so i let my baggage stay. letting them go only means i'm gonna get left again. people might hurt me and leave me but at least my grudges stay with me and help me cry at night."

"that seems a lot."

"it is a lot. i know i'd feel better and lighter when i let these go but i'm going at my own pace. i'm still trying to sit with the fact that sometimes, people are just really mean, and maybe the purpose they have in your life is to cause such deep pain. -that i can't always question why they did what they did. -that i don't always have to think about the other version of them who refuse to do what they did."

it's a cruel place out here. don't go out. better, don't even ask to be born, unless your family is mad rich and secured. being born in a poor toxic household can give you irreparable damage. stay safe.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

whatever im just gonna pour all this annoyance into jigsaw puzzles

[nenevergonnabeyou]

i fear i will never, in my life, get to meet somebody as deep as me. edgy yarn? kidding aside, what's so wrong with caring too much about life? government, love, problematic things in general. people always say, "loosen up. live life a little." i get it. but don't you just want to pour yourself into something so deeply?

[nenevergonnabeyou]

it's almost my birthday and i feel so tired? i swear it'll be the last time that i'll celebrate the day i was born it feels so tiring after 19 everything was so tiring after 19 i can't even say what early age of mine it is that i miss because every year things got harder, do i miss being 15? or 10? or 5? 'cause i first experienced the cruelty of life when i was 4 and then it just got harder and harder after that. is anything still meaningful in my life? i'm tired of loving and giving and all i wanna do is take and take and take and then cry myself to sleep

[nenevergonnabeyou]

im excited to get home and spend a few nights in my room for id finally be back in my comfort place where i can freely cry my heart out when i need to

[nenevergonnabeyou]

last night i read a tweet saying that people who deprive themselves in terms of food/picky eaters are bad lovers because they don't see food that pleasurable and it hit me so fucking hard. i don't know where to go from here but if i find something to blame then it would be my family always trying to fill me up when i was a kid even if i said countless times that i no longer want to eat ("i'm full") to the point where my cousins and i cry while eating 'cause we'd get smacked if we leave the table. and you know what's worse? they feed us themselves, with a spoon FULL of rice and meat :( maybe if that didn't happen to me maybe i'd see food in a different way. i love eating sometimes but when i'm hungry i don't really feel the need to buy food. i'd rather drink water or sleep with an empty stomach. i only take food so much to get through a day. sometimes i eat more than i usually do because i feel like it. i don't like spicy food, i don't put sugar in my powdered milk, and i like bitter not sweet. and coincidentally, i don't see sex that important in my life. it is, but it's not a priority. i don't feel the need to pleasure others, i only want to get pleasured. selfish as it seems, don't want to make them feel discomfort too. maybe i am bad in bed. but is it my fault that i don't like it that much?

[nenevergonnabeyou]

hi baby ko tumblr im back i just wanna say pakyu sa mundo galit ako

[nenevergonnabeyou]

a lot has happened since i went back home. i lived with my sister's family while hiding from my father, reconnected with my friends, and just this week i met up with a guy who i never expected to be so decent that it scares me. my initial thought was that i'd leave his place with the lingering feel of his lips but that did not happen. can't believe there are still guys who can last for 6 hours just talking and not doing anything sexual. heck, not even a hug. now i'm the one longing for his kiss. i never thought i'd ever be interested with a guy again so imagine my disgust when i woke up early in the morning touching myself with the thoughts of having sex with him. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHERE IS MY GAYNESS.... deep inside me i hope this'll work.. i'd love to be treated like a princess too, even just for once

[nenevergonnabeyou]

the suffering is too damn much that im thinking itd be easier if a ten-ton truck just crash into me

[nenevergonnabeyou]

panalo ka na naman. heck, i dont even know why im treating this as a competition against you. you won. hindi ko pala kaya. it was so ideal to me that i can live independently without your protection and guidance. i tried though. am i a failure? if yes, how long will i keep being like this? nothing makes it easier. ive done things to try to dissolve the crippling fear of being just a nobody after high school, that despite my greatest sacrifices i still end up with nothing on my plate. i could never blame anyone but me. sino ba ako sa akala ko at lumayo ako without a safety net? dreaming is so easy because i really thought i could do anything. i did it though, i got out of the house. pero mukhang sa streets naman ako pupulutin if i dont go back. independence is the very thing i wanna give myself and i know itll be the only thing i can be proud of. yet i couldnt do it. i may be strong to others for what ive done but i guess im still nothing without my family. and i hate it. i loathe that thought and how true it is.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

I met a girl on stan twitter. Our entire group got exposed a week after (stan twitter things). A month passed and that's when I really got to know her. We're a group of 3 but suddenly the other girl went inactive, and I kept in touch with her on Facebook. We talked endlessly every night. I liked her, yeah, but she's taken. I am comfortable being her friend too. She became my diary; I write my blues to her every day. I didn't even care if she read all of it or not. Months later, I took the chance to meet her and explore the city too. I stayed at her family's house for almost a week. The moment I stepped inside it screamed comfort. Up 'til now, I don't know why. I spent each night staring at her for a few minutes before I went off to sleep. God, she's a beauty. And she's so close yet so far. It's amazing being her friend. When I left, I cried. I felt a great part of me was left not only in their house but in the entire city. I know I belonged there.

I went home with a troubled mind. I then researched every college I can go to in their city, managed to save up a decent amount of money, and straight-up informed my family about my plan. "I want to study there," I said. They knew I wouldn't take no for an answer. I spent the following weeks catching up with different groups of friends to bid goodbye. Her family offered to take me in with a good deal. Now we're more than friends; we are siblings. I couldn't be happier.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

still quite shocked at the fact that nobody stopped me when i broke the news. "it's fine, i know you can do it," they said. but, do you guys not want me to stay? am i not wanted enough to be begged to stay?

[nenevergonnabeyou]

of course this is inevitable. if i don't do this now, i surely will in maybe 3 years. so i guess it's not wrong to leave them to take care of myself. they'll grow up and eventually will learn to accept my reasons. they won't get mad at me for it. they will be fine without me, and so will i without them. we'll be okay. we'll keep in touch. and they'll miss me, right? because i'm still here yet i already miss them.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

video log for migration

hi friends! i should really be working right now but i choose to write this instead, because fuck work (especially rose, victor, and matthew). i'm preparing this for when i finally leave. i'll try to write it like i'm speaking 'cause i can't speak in english without any scripts.

life was and is still a bit too much here. i was led to believe that after or during my senior years in dcnhs (my alma mater), i'd finally fly away with my sister and live a new life in switzerland. but i guess the universe had better (or worse) plans for me. that being said, i did not go to college after high school, still under the impression that things are only taking too slow because of the pandemic. and so i chose to work just out of boredom. i landed my first job after breaking up with my first gf, so yeah you can imagine the stress. i ditched it after not even 2 weeks of trying, and they ditched me when i asked for my pay. next job i had was a VERY low paying job but i felt like a millionaire every time i get my salary. i was in that job with alyssa for 2 months i guess? and then i worked as a chatter, i won't be mentioning what's it about but it was kinda chill and stressful at the same time. now i'm in that same job for 2 years already. since then, i had to step up and parent my sister. i gave her and my cousin the money they needed for school (baon). i take them out when i take myself out, so we we're like buy 1 take 2. i got my other cousin a secondhand motorcycle too because she needed it for school. i never contributed anything to the family's bills and food BUT because of my people-pleasing personality and because my guilt was eating me, i became their financial one call away. an emergency fund. each member of the family had or still has borrowed money from me. i keep that in mind all the time but i can't help but think that i'd be in a much better place if i weren't here (in our house lol i'm not sewy cider).

when i went to manila alone for the first time, i saw how big the world is. i thought to myself, "hala i could live here. i'm known for settling for less so there wouldn't be any problem as long as i have a bed to sleep on, a food to eat, and money to spend." i was so in the moment that i couldn't even think about davao. i never ignore any messages sent to me but i did, because i was in awe. not of the place of course, davao is much safer and cleaner. but the possibility of facing challenges in life there. alone. it felt like an eye opener. it was very hard to process though, 'cause i only stayed there for a week. people would tell me, "aren't you scared? you've only been there for a short time. you don't know anyone except from your online friends, that you only met once in person, and you only started talking to in february." but it's like i don't care what happens to me next, i just wanna do it. and that's it. i have decided.

before manila though, everything was already planned out. i'd continue working until i save enough for my 4-year tuition while going to a sunday school. it was a very cheap and good school. when i graduate, i already have somewhere to go. in short, i had it all here. just without the freedom and independency which i think i really really need. so i let that one go.

while i was in the plane leaving manila, i was crying so hard. not to be cliche but i really felt i left my heart there. i didn't feel good getting back so i searched for schools that are still accepting new students. i was thinking hard about work, how i could survive with my income. i did that for weeks (up until now).

i just wanna say, for all the asian eldest daughters out there, taking a leap is difficult but if it's for yourself then do it. and for me, i'll take this moment to remind myself that i did good, for so long. i did very good. i was a good daughter and sister. all those years of sacrifices are enough and it's okay to finally choose my happiness now. to put myself first now. even if it's hard to leave my people behind, my friends. i hate separation. i couldn't think about how i'd survive a month without seeing my sister or my best friends. so why am i doing this? because when i entered 2024, i promised myself that whatever i want to do, i'll do it. and if i'm scared, then i'll do it scared anyway.

this is it. 2022 me would be jumping in joy when she finds out i booked a flight to a place i've only known for a week, without any assurance that i'll be able to study or work there (still not enrolled, is only gonna look for a job when i arrive there). that's a big step from going to a far place just to kiss a stranger huh.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

"Moles tend to appear around times when your hormone levels change."

so did i get it right?

through the years, my moles multiplied. i have SO much now. they're just tiny dots in my body but i feel like all of these are the pain that i carry, as they also multiply each year.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

through the years, my moles multiplied. i have SO much now. they're just tiny dots in my body but i feel like all of these are the pain that i carry, as they also multiply each year.

[nenevergonnabeyou]

i must've tortured an entire colony in my past life for me to suffer this bad