nemuri-hime05

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“Just because I don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean I forget.”

— Katja Millay, The Sea of Tranquility

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“The other day, lying in bed, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind”

-Rodger kamenetz, from Terra infirma

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James Baldwin, from Giovanni’s Room

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night and day by virginia woolf // from the collected Works; "dracula” by bram stoker // woman hollering creek and other stories by sandra cisneros // art by holly warburton // this is how you lose the time war by amal el-mohtar // lighthousekeeping by jeanette winterson // everything everywhere all at once (2022) // quote by margaret atwood

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Ted Hughes, Tales from Ovid; from ‘Echo and Narcissus’

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the night sky reminds me of you

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To the love of my life,

do you know how much i love your hands?

it perfectly fits mine. i am starting to think it was made only for me.

your eyes- i adore the way they stare at me. they stare and starts talking to me, “you are the prettiest girl i have ever seen, i won’t get tired staring at you for you are the perfect definition of serene.”

have you ever wondered how soft your lips are? i want to kiss them every time i think of them. i want them, i need them. i sometimes have these dangerous thoughts that maybe i am not just inlove with you- maybe i am obsessed. i want you mine, only mine.

the way you assure me even when i don’t ask for it. you’re the only one who could make me feel such emotions by words. you have this magic that draws me in every fucking time.

your sexy brain. god, i love it so much when you talk and rant about the things i do not understand. only you could make me turned on only by being smart. how could you be so perfect!?!

you being clingy. i am willing to trade everything i have to feel your skin in mine. love, i love you so muchhhh, everything about you. please don’t ever get tired of being a clingy partner to me, i don’t care if you’re not willing to show that side of yours to everybody else, as long as you only do it with me- then maybe that would be more than enough.

i love you. i love you even if these small things would somehow change and fade in time. everything change, i can only assure you that no matter what changes may happen in time, i would still love them- us. just promise me one thing, never change for something that would make me hate myself. i love the way you make me feel, love, please don’t stop telling me how pretty i look in your eyes, how much you love me, and how sure you are with me. your assurances are enough to keep me sane, i wouldn’t know what to do if one day you won’t look at me the same way as you do now. it is the only thing that keeps me sane, the only reason i wake up and smile throughout the day.

do you feel the way i feel for you?

am i reaching you?

sometimes i feel like you are too far from me, i always think of ways on how could my feelings reach you.

i do think i am writing this letter for that reason haha.

i wanna be close to you.

closer.

the closest.

cuddling you is not enough, i want to feel every inch of you. i want to dive inside your mind and know every thoughts, words, and feelings you have.

even if we’re the only souls living in this cruel world, spending time with you until my last breath would never be enough. i always long for you, ai.

i feel like i am half my soul without you.

i don’t know if for you i am the best you’ll ever have,

but i’ll do everything to be the best of me when it comes to loving you.

i love you, far more than a thousand light years away.

it’s a yes,

My dearest Ai.

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To me, 6 months from November 2022;

hi,

how are you?

do you feel great?

are you happy?

i really wish you do feel great and happy, yel.

i am writing to you at this moment to let you know that no matter how hard it may be for you 6 months from now, i am here, looking at you, proud and grateful to whatever achievements you have.

are you still with ai? if not, then i guess you two are not really meant for each other and there are greater things that awaits both of you, separately.

if yes, then i want to congratulate you both for going this far, even if there are a lot of challenges and obstacles to your relationship. i know very well that sometimes, it really is hard for you to understand the situation, and to understand him. you want to do a lot of things with him, you want to spend more time with him, but you just can’t. you are too afraid to demand something from him, too kind to get mad.

who knows? maybe 5 years from now you’re getting married with him. no one really knows 🤷‍♀️.

anyway, i hope you’re doing far greater than i am doing at this moment. there are too many things i have no control of, and yet to resolve. but i am doing just fine, really. if you are reading this today, then i guess we both are fine, living the life. my advice to you is that- everything shall pass. do not let your emotions or a specific event ruin your day or your life. yel, you can achieve more, i believe in you. keep your heads up, you are PRETTY!!!!!

do the things you love, be the best version of you. be that girl boss!!! i want you to be someone who helps whenever she could, someone who’s not afraid of standing up for what is right. you could do more, yel.

have you decided what course you should take? if yes, then i am sure you would be successful!! i hope you chose the course that you really want to do. i want you to find love and joy to whatever steps and decisions you make.

happiness comes from you, from the choices you make, from the people you surround yourself with. it all depends on you.

i love you so much, yel. it feels weird to say, but i love you very much. i found it hard to heal and love myself- but i know that maybe 6 months from now,

i am someone worth the love.

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how i spent my 17th birthday this year 2022.

We always love the things in between, the long drive before arriving at a certain destination, the bonding and story time in a girls’ sleepovers, the smell of the wind blowing off your face before swimming at the beach, the sunsets before dark, the admiring someone secretly and the little happiness we feel when we meet eyes with them.

In my 17 years of existence, I’ve always love the things in between. I hate the beginnings and specially every endings. But this year, a sudden realization hits me- won’t a new beginning seems fun? I want to be able to start again, i want to do the things i am scared of. I want to forgive the people who brought me pain and i want to forgive myself for causing pain to others too. Ahh, just thinking about it makes my hurt jump of excitement.

Won’t a new love bring me back to rainbows? I have been thinking about this, carefully. A new love that is a breath of fresh air, a new love with worries but full of excitement and assurance. A new love who is deserving of my growth this past few years I’ve been working myself on. I love the thought of it. God, if there is someone- please, i want to try it with him.

This year, i won’t be scared of new beginnings anymore, for i have known that new beginnings are blessings and a stepping stone to success and a better version of me. Endings won’t hurt too right? Endings are signs of fulfillment. Ooh, it feels good to be a speck of dust in this universe. A portion of a speck of dust who dreams, love, and live- for 17 years now.

This is a memory diary. [07.15.2022]

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would be so nice if someone would just ask me how am i doing? Am i doing fine? Is everything great? Even if I always flash a smile…it would be so nice to have someone know you and your every pain, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

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I'm willing to write a thousand poems about you. I'll write until i've used all of the genuine and beautiful words in the dictionary. I'm willing to bleed for crying out loud calling your name, i'm willing to do any first and last with you. I'm willing to be your paraluman and tahanan, if you would just promise me you'll love me until the end of all the sunrise and pink sunsets.

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staying up late ain’t even fun anymore it’s just sad

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I would love to see the shooting stars, but tonight…I decided not to.

what for?

if someone already did wish for you, and now it is fulfilled.

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I would write thousands of poems for you until every finger in my hands bleed. I would hold my every breath when you walk past by me until i faint. I would lose all my pride and kneel in front of your beauty until my knees hurts I can’t even stand anymore. Love, i would travel north to south, heavens to hell and oceans to mountains if you would let me. Let me…

Let me love you the way you deserve. The way i desire.

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sometimes the best fanfics are written by middle aged adults with years of writing experience who simply know how to craft a good story. but also sometimes the best fanfics are written by a sixteen year old girl with something deeply wrong with her

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I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

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I’ve spent my 18 years of life trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each others’ lives. No matter how I think about it, I can’t make it sound romantic or poetic. To those who have already passed through my life and to those who eventually will: I love you. I miss you. The back door will always be unlocked if you ever feel like coming home.