nemessys

[nemessys]

why do i even blame everyone else when it’s my fault for being still miserable fucking hell

[nemessys]

it’s four a.m. & i’m lying here in my bed. and you know what the shittiest thing is? is that my parents will never care about how or what i feel, because they only care for themselves and their image towards other people. a bunch of people pleasers, as you can say. they both know that my mom’s side of the family did them wrong and i don’t even understand how my mother’s so fucking stupid and selfish. yes, dad might’ve been selfish too with his adultery and shit. he might’ve been trying to make up by paying off his debts but because of what my mothers’ siblings did a.k.a. scammed the shit out of them then of course he gained even more debts. and the shittiest thing is it has affected their finances and barely can do shit for my siblings. like i’m fine i don’t need them to do shit or buy shit for me, but it’s my siblings’ futures that i’m worried for about. it sucks cause these so called parents of mine just care for themselves and whenever i bring up the topic my mom just says “well that’s what happened and that’s life”. like okay yeah and? shouldn’t it be a sign for you to cut them off? and it’s so easy for you to say that shit it’s as if she worked hard for that when my mom did. and i hate how she vents out over stupid shit like my dad doesn’t give her money to buy stuff etc well yeah you do buy stuff bust most of it ends up getting sent to your useless family members in the Philippines. idk it’s crazy. but whatever. idk there’s too much shit going on my mind and i hate it. now i remember why i moved out of the house, shit was stress free not until i met my ex but yeah he was awhile kind of different mental stress as well. i mean yea i guess i’m also pretty much the useless daughter and times like this i wonder if i would be better off somewhere but idk.

all of those shit aside though, i feel bad for lying to my sister that i still work. i’m sorry but your little sister can’t hold jobs long enough cause she gets so sensitive over other people’s remarks and cause she’s mentally unstable. lazy too, probably. and whatever the lil sister is going through right now she deserves it.

but, i do hope i can get to land a job soon so i get to pay off my debts. like i’ve been applying but no luck yet so far maybe i have to redo my resume or what. but yea not only that but i also hope i get to buy a car even if it’s old as long as it works well. then save up until i get the chance to move out of this shitty house environment. not sure if i should go back to school but the chanced are highly there. i hope i find a place for me, and maybe i might have a kitty with me to live with too.

we’ll see… we’ll see.

[nemessys]

rage, emptiness, and sadness- three things that have been filling my emotions and have been clouding my thoughts. why am i here? why does no one understand me? i pray and pray, but the gods doesn't seem to hear or maybe i am a helpless cause. i read books to distract my thoughts, i meditate, i force myself to be optimistic but yet it feels like i'm stuck in circles. my mind can't stop and like what people describe me, i am mentally insane.

people... i hate plenty of them. people who don't deserve children pop their cherries non-stop and sadly, that's how the world goes.

i'll start with my parents.

my mother and father are uncapable of being parents and yet here they are. my father is a careless, selfish, and a prick. he had a first born daughter a.k.a. my half sister from his first wife and since he couldn't hold in his hunger for lust, he committed adultery and impregnated the house nanny and so my older brother came to this world. since things happen, let's say both my older sister and older brother they both had it coming.

then here comes my mother. she seems very sweet but all of it is a facade. my mom is a gold-digger just like her mother, and i don't blame her for that because that's what poverty does to some people i guess. or maybe that's what people with poor mindset have and so they live with miserable lives. my mother is a fool, naive, and a people-pleaser. she wants to portray that she is living a good life and she's perfect. but she isn't. she gave birth to me, and blames me for the life she couldn't have.

it would've been better if it was just us three, but then there goes another brother and followed by another one. the shitty thing is both of them can barely function as parents. i don't know how to explain it, but i feel bad for my siblings. they deserve so much better but here we are.

there goes my mother's side of the family. my grandmother: the enabler, a drama queen, and someone with a victim mentality. this will sound cruel but i'll be glad if she dies. she knows what her children are doing but she doesn't stop them.. as long as it benefits her wallet then she will enable corruption among the family. her children: my aunts and uncles. a family of stupid, corrupt, evil, and selfish beggars.

and then, there i am. i got pregnant and killed my child. a part of me doesn't regret it, but then a part of me is consumed with guilt and regrets. if only i shouldn't have been irresponsible. if only i chose my decisions wisely. if only i took my life instead. i don't know.

i'm filled with so much wrath and hatred, but there goes sadness. and it has been awhile since i've felt this way. i thought it'd get better but it just gets so worse.

[nemessys]

rage, emptiness, and sadness- three things that have been filling my emotions and have been clouding my thoughts. why am i here? why does no one understand me? i pray and pray, but the gods doesn't seem to hear or maybe i am a helpless cause. i read books to distract my thoughts, i meditate, i force myself to be optimistic but yet it feels like i'm stuck in circles. my mind can't stop and like what people describe me, i am mentally insane.