necropticon - Tumblr blog

[necropticon]

[necropticon]

[necropticon]

I made a choice to literally detach myself from society as much as possible for almost 10 years, because I didn't want to deal with sexual harassment. Literally that is my main motivation.

Now I'm re-entering society and it's kind of bizarre to talk to some of the people who are my age. I'm glad I left, I'm reminded of all the bizarre and pointless cultural conflicts that overtook so many conversations. "What kind of bibo borbo are you? Glup slip, derp huuurrrrp, are you a durrr hurrr or a deedly dip? Hey, why are you acting like a deep heep? Am I too much of a deema heem?"

Culturally-fostered, unnatural personal insecurity. It's so depressing how much meaningless shit takes up people's thoughts. God fucking damn. I used to be part of it, and I felt like it was important to stake my personal identity out as a Herpa Durrrr... everyone must know what kind of Diddly Dum Hurrrrrr that I am.

"this website is full of beetles fucking beer-bottles" --- some blogger describing the people who are talking about only being sexually-attracted to anime characters instead of other real people.

BEETLES FUCKING BEER-BOTTLES!!!

Society is full of that shit. People love it because it directs natural social instincts in the way they want. You can sell merch of a sexy, sexy beer bottle. Sell intimacy. Sell a solution to your loneliness.

Nah I didn't succumb to that bullshit. It always cheapens sexuality. Sex is a beautiful and interesting thing, but commercial sexiness removes everything personal and interesting. Prioritize "the lowest 'common' denominator", cheap sludge.

Hey lady, do you wanna look like a sexy sexy beer-bottle? Men love beer-bottles. Men love humping beer-bottles. For the low price of your entire life savings, we can make you look like a humpable beer-bottle instead of a human woman. Who wants a human woman? Nobody!

(Parody of the plastic surgery & makeup industries. etc.)

You're not a real man unless you spend all day humping beer-bottles, lusting after beer-bottles, directing the entire energy of your being towards acquiring a beer-bottle. You. Want. Beer-bottles.

[necropticon]

“I adore the struggle you carry in yourself. I adore your terrifying sincerity.”

— Anaïs Nin  (via cultivate-solitude)

[necropticon]

So many questions !!!! All of them rhetorical

[necropticon]

From Drew Afualos new book!

[necropticon]

I recently found the blog of someone who was trying to kill themself. Their last post was about waking up in the emergency room after failing the last time. They uploaded a video of them screaming in anguish & rage: "FUCK ALL OF YOU!"

It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the dark and shapeless void below, and it has a density but it lacks the edges of water. Suddenly you are in darkness, buoyed by darkness, sheer rock cliffs on either side.

I was there in 2019. I wished everyone would die, I wished everyone in the world would feel my torture. One month passed, and covid started.

[necropticon]

I'm aware that 'psychopathy' is no longer an actual diagnosis that anyone receives in modern times. The closest modern diagnosis might be 'antisocial personality disorder'.

but this is actually incredibly interesting to me, because the mechanism makes a lot of sense.

In my childhood, I learned very early that displaying fear around other people would lead to them jumping like hungry vultures at the opportunity to tear someone lesser apart, and make the fear and pain worse. So... I suppressed it completely, very early. A fear response in a certain situation shows other people in what ways you are vulnerable.

So I refused to empathize with other people's fears. I'd still help my friends, because it's a rational choice. but I also learned how eager that so many people are to betray another. So I protect myself from that by refusing to form a bond with anyone. Even the people closest to me eventually betrayed me, so I just stop giving real information to people.

Recently, over the past several years... I've been working to actually get over this 'block', because I am realizing how much better life is with genuine closeness. but I still believe that I have good reason to distrust many different people - especially therapist shitheads who strive to make money off their bullshit 'cures'. Go to hell, all of you.

I'll create myself as myself.

I saw vulnerable people as liabilities, because they're liable to just run off and spread information to someone who could use it against me. Tough world.

In years past, I used to describe human society as some kind of massive, pained, grotesque orgy of people hurting eachother, and in turn hurting another so that the newcomer can 'understand their pain'. Sometimes I wanted to kill it off as the root -- cleanse all society of this pain instead of spreading it out like mercury and lead which subfuse and accumulate throughout the ecosystem - hoping that the dispersion will filter this poison out by gradual process. NO! I refuse to feel what your parents did to you. Die in your own grave. I will not go with you.

but yeah, I think it can be a rational choice in this competitive and predatory world, but it's up to choice.

A brain can develop according to what an organism does. If someone practices cello, they will gain finer motor control of their fingers, and their brain will change accordingly. The same if someone chooses to consciously imagine how another person might be feeling, and how they would feel in different possible futures... their 'emotional skills' will develop like a muscle being strengthened. One has to make this conscious choice - and choose how to continue the process as it's happening. It's not a lazy skill, and it's not always automatic. Sometimes one must really sit there and think for twenty minutes about this type of thing.

alllsooo... I think it's a good idea to learn how to differentiate between people. I spent my teenage years literally as a fucking hermit because everyone and everything just felt so dirty and ugly and stained with generational abuse, ugly lies and false pride covering up people's pathetic insecurities. Even the bureaucracy was full of these pathetically-insecure people. So the only place I had to turn to was myself, because everyone else was lying to eachother and to themselves.

That's how I felt.

I find it poignant how a young woman can be encouraged to engage in the basest sort of cruelty - as long as you say it's in the name of kindness and equality. I find it annoying how people online feel so entitled to personal information about random bloggers -- (age? race? gender? sexuality? country of origin?) -- and they say it's for 'equality reasons' -- to determine if you're "qualified" to speak about certain topics or not, even if it's just in the realm of personal opinion. and if they think a person is "stepping out of their line", then they'll flood them with harassment. It's so counterproductive. A bunch of lonely losers harassing eachother to feel like they're "fighting the righteous fight" -- instead of actually organizing politically. Exactly what the powers-that-be will benefit from, conveniently...

Some people have told me I have a huge tolerance for 'cruelty' - things that might seem hurtful to someone else barely register as anything to me because they are just so commonplace in life for me, and I partake and give back an equal hand of cruelty so I'm not a poor victim. Conversely, other people tell me that I'm way too sensitive. I do snap suddenly and go right off the handle, and I rarely accept apologies. I choose who to trust based on experience, not 'what people say'. Most people lie at one time or another, and they often believe that some forms of lying are polite. I will never claim to tell the truth. I'm not morally-better. the good old Liar's Paradox.

[necropticon]

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", psychologically...

Combined with how a human mind can get used to a degrading and abusive situation, and even find it comforting if it offers some level of 'consistency' --- expected stimulus.

Angst Monster wrote:

This may seem like basic common sense, but one interesting (and kind of terrifying) thing I recently read was that some individuals who grew up in an emotionally abusive environment find that their anxiety level actually decreases in the presence of those who are mean or overly critical of them because it's familiar. Their nervous systems are hard wired to react to that kind of treatment as "normal" in the sense that it knows what to do with it--what defense mechanisms to employ when, etc. Meanwhile, kinder, more peaceful, and healthier relationships are quite a dramatic adjustment, and ironically feel less predictable because of all the threats that are absent and never materialize. It feels suspicious or too good to be true, which in turn ratchets up hypervigilance and hyper-arousal. Instead of knowing what BS is coming because it always does, there's the nebulous sense that the other shoe is just waiting to drop. Safety and respect can feel the most unsafe for a while, because as far as the traumatized nervous system is concerned, those things don't exist, or if they do in any form, there must be a million unseen strings attached. This is part of what traps a lot of people in abusive relationships, consistently draws them to want to please assholes, or keeps them moving from one unhealthy environment to the next--a highly toxic comfort of familiarity where being on the receiving end of cruelty feels like "home".

[necropticon]

all doors here lead to decay

[necropticon]

dead bat still hanging from the ceiling of a cave. 

[necropticon]

jenny holzer, 1982

[necropticon]

[necropticon]

Virginia Woolf, To The Lighthouse

[necropticon]

so fascinating how things can force you to die smiling

[necropticon]

I'm so used to being alone. I hung onto situations until they became untenable, completely unbearable. I used to not be like this... I have pieces of a puzzle scattered in front of me, but the question: "What do I do now?"

[necropticon]

Louise Glück, from “Blue Rotunda”, Averno