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The Last Testament of Edwin Payne

To my darling, C.R.

Hello, love. I can picture your expression as you read this: tears pooling in those pretty brown eyes of yours, a hand over your mouth covering your quivering lips in the self-deprecating manner you’ve always had. You crumple this paper in your shaky grasp, swallowing through every word. Yet, I promise you, there’s no reason to worry. 

  In another thirty years, the memory of me will be shoved back into the deepest part of your mind, another piece evaporating every moment. You will learn to heal and move on, and perhaps that is for the best. But, please know, that I will never forget you. I will always remember every little wonderful thing I can about you. I will remember your contagious smile and your filthy jokes, your abundance of love for everyone around you. The way you could light up an entire room of saddened people with only your words. How it took you an unbearable forever to finally propose to me, though I very much consider that day to be the best of my afterlife. 

  You are the most important person in the world, and you mean everything to me. Please, know that I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being and every part of my soul. There will be days where you feel most alone, and the grief of my death (or, rather, departure?) will weigh you down with a thousand tons, but I want you to rise. I want you not to think of me and feel guilty, but feel happy. No, more than that. Feel overwhelmed by my absence and find comfort in that. Be happy that I existed long enough for you to know me, even if only in death. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and that I can say with no regrets. I do not care that you came from many years after my time, I do not care that we are long dead with no beating heart, I do not care that you are a boy and I am not a girl, and I most certainly do not care that you are half-Indian. If your father ever does me the favor of gracing my presence I will be sure to “beat his ass” as Crystal once said (I do hope I am using this appropriately). 

  There are so many more things I wish to tell you, but I do not have much time. I have one last thing I need you to do. Inside our game closet is a ‘72 edition of Cluedo, inside, beneath the board, lies my notebook. Not the one I brought on cases, but another. It is filled with poems I have written over the years; some about you. I want you to read every single one and be reminded of me. I am still with you, love, though my being is not. And there will be days when you cannot even manage to wake (though you sleep so little), and those days will be the hardest. But, please, know that you are not alone. You have Crystal, and Monty, and Jenny. Maybe even Thomas will learn to be less selfish towards you. There will be days when you feel so miserable that you want nothing more than to scream into the sky. They will be there for you. And, besides, you have forever to figure the rest out, don’t you?

Edwin Payne

(yall I wrote this in one day and did not edit at all whatsoever but I’m so proud of myself ahhh! should I write Charles’ pov?)

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Copied your questions from the comments to answer! General disclaimer that this is specific to me and my disabilities! Other people may not have the same struggles or may have different ways of handling it. Any other disabled people are encouraged to add or correct 🫶

Do compression socks ever get itchy?

I haven't used compression socks before so unfortunately I can't help there! I assume they do, I don't see why not.

Are tensor bandages finicky?

Definitely. They fold and wrinkle just like clothes, and depending on how long your joints are bent(like if it's on your knee and you're sitting a long time) can sometimes get temporarily warped into that shape. It just makes moving the joint a little more difficult because the bandage will resist it. I also sometimes wrap really tight at first because for me personally it feels the best (except on my knee), but you have to loosen it(which generally means fully rewrapping it) after a while or it quickly becomes uncomfortable and can do more harm than good.

Do Ibuprofen and Tylenol work as much as they're hyped up to?

Ibuprofen and Tylenol for me maybe aren't phenomenal but definitely do help! On an average pain day(a 3-4 on the pain scale) it can usually lower my pain to a 1 or a 0. On a high pain day(6-8) it lowers to my average. Unfortunately it takes an hour or two to kick in, and I usually only get about 2-3 hours of relief before it starts to wear off. I also take 600mg of Ibuprofen(the usual dose for adults is 200mg or 400mg. My doctor specifically told me 600mg up to 4 times a day. I usually end up only going to 2 or 3).

Gripes & pet peeves

Aids/meds gripes & pet peeves:

I covered bandage pet peeves already, but my cane! My cane specifically has an annoying process to adjust the height, and due to its options I have to adjust it every time I put on/take off some shoes. The options are JUST far enough apart and I am JUST the wrong height that it gets perfectly too tall/short depending on what shoes I'm wearing (unfortunately my most comfortable pair is one of these shoes). Also, you build a resistance to meds over time, and there are specific side effects that come with long term use. I am near-constantly in pain and therefore have to be careful with when I choose to take meds for it. Having to keep track of meds is also annoying! Especially when I'm on a bunch. I was on 6 different prescriptions at a time once, all of which had different times and/or requirements to take them. Once daily, twice daily, once in the morning, on an empty stomach, with food... Thankfully I'm usually on max 3 prescriptions at a time

Societal gripes:

People will touch/grab mobility aids without asking, ESPECIALLY for wheelchair users. I've only used a wheelchair once or twice(with a friend who had one available as I don't own one), but people will push you frequently. They will roll you down the sidewalk or up a hill without so much as a hello. People have kicked my cane out of the way. For a lot of disabled people, our mobility aids are viewed as an extension of ourselves; they are our autonomy. It's incredibly violating to have them disrespected like that. A lot of the world isn't made for disabled people. There's a lot of stairs, a surprising amount of buildings don't have working elevators, a lot of cabinets and such require bending/kneeling, benches are getting removed from public spaces like parks, there are really thin doorways, etc etc. I began to have chronic pain at 13 years old, and have been fake claimed and not taken seriously since. When you're young and disabled in a way that isn't visible(scars, limb/facial difference, proportional, etc), people are inclined to believe you are lying/faking it. Even if they do believe you are disabled, they often think you're playing it up. This is especially true for ambulatory mobility aid users, because they believe if you don't ALWAYS need your mobility aid, you don't EVER need it. Also annoying: people recommending the same 5 pain relief options. Chances are, I've tried it! I am working with a doctor to find a diagnosis and effective treatment, you don't need to recommend me yoga.

Unexpected advantages

Honestly the one I can think of rn is just how useful my cane is. If I'm tired or in pain, it's usually within reach and I can use it to hook or hit things like a light switch, my water bottle, small/light objects, etc etc. Other than that I have once or twice used my disabilities as an excuse to not do something. Not often‼️‼️ And I do feel at least a little guilty about it. But sometimes it's nice if people won't accept "I don't want to" or "I'm tired" as a valid reason 🤷

Mundane tasks

There's a lot of things that become more difficult, but I think most useful for you is bending/kneeling(and therefore cabinets/drawers, dropping things, turning on my heater, sometimes just the act of sitting). For me, I also have a lot of joint pain in my fingers. I have lost the ability to braid and I often can't hold a pencil for long periods of time. I draw with my finger on my phone :)) So generally while you're writing just be conscious of actions and what it takes for the body to follow through on those.

Physical drawbacks

A lot of the times disabled people overwork themselves easier and take longer to recover. As an example, my able bodied relatives who helped me move are already feeling better, meanwhile I am going to have a lot of extra pain for probably the next week. Because I was moving, I was obviously using my legs and my back a lot, and it makes it incredibly difficult to get comfortable at any time. While an able bodied person might be a little sore, they can generally sit, lay down, or stand with minimal pain as long as they aren't straining themselves further. Just laying down hurts no matter what position I'm in, and even when I haven't strained myself I usually have to sleep with 3-5 pillows to properly support my back. When I strain myself, I usually have to find very specific angles for each part of my body to be at, and have to shove pillows, plushies, or blankets under or around limbs to keep myself as pain free as possible.

Mental drawbacks

Obviously being in pain a lot causes a lot of negative feelings. A lot of disabled people are depressed. It's incredibly isolating, knowing that a lot of people around you cannot relate to you and being either fake claimed or shunned for your disability. Even when you make friends, they're easy to lose. I've lost plenty due to my frequent cancelling of plans or not messaging/calling back because I sleep so much. The friends that I have kept have had to learn to live with the fact that we don't see each other often, or that they have to make the effort to come see me or have to ensure their plans aren't taxing for me. I've also had a lot of internalized ableism. I've convinced myself that I'm exaggerating, that other people deal with pain so why can't I deal with mine? I've avoided making plans because I don't think it's worth the hassle to have to cancel, even if it wouldn't be hard.

Okay I think I'm out of things to say!! I can elaborate on most of these things if you need! I've been in a lot of disabled communities, so I have a decent amount of knowledge on a lot of issues, especially social ones :))

Making an AU where Edwin has incomplete paraplegia and chronic pain, pls lmk if you have any details that would make my writing 4 it better!!!🙏🙏🙏

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Kind of interesting that there’s overlap in the aspec and poly spaces

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Thanks for the tag I'm throwing you in the spinner 😋 have fun!!

Three Ships: Payneland, Buddie, Palasaki. Boreo honorable mention

First Ever Ship: It was probably Percabeth? (<- dissociative amnesia haver).

Last Song: Go Go Nighthawks! from Nerdy Prudes Must Die. FUCK YOU CLIVESDALE, GO GET FUCKED. YOU'RE FUCKING LOSERS, AND WE'LL KILL YOU!! (Kill your ass...)

Last Film: X

Currently Reading: Rereading The Sisters Grimm.

Currently Watching: Rewatching Arcane season 1 so I can watch season 2 with my siblings :))

Currently Consuming: A sundae

Craving: Kit Kat 🫶

Mutuals‼️‼️

@arrow-jsy @novacomics @marcusdakat @ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse @gender-luster @saritagiovanna @marbearmarigold @tumb3ld0wn @emi-the-gremlin

9 Peeps you'd like to get to know better

tagged by @nickelkeep

Three Ships: Charthur (RDR2) Reid/Foyet (Criminal Minds) Hancon (DBH)

First Ever Ship: Vegeta and Bulma

Last Song: Rather Be by Clean Bandit

Last Film: Last movie I watched was "The Wind Rises"

Currently Reading: Charthur fanfiction

Currently Watching: I watch/listen to a lot of Game Grumps (my comfort background sound) but I am watching Adventure Time, Great British Bake Off and Triple D usually

Currently Consuming: Coca Cola

Currently Craving: Not sure really, I'm craving food stuff but also emotional stuff

Tagging: @starstrucklucky @t3acupz @thosetwistedtales @daddyfuckedme @mrsdanieljackson @boopthemanbooster @savage-rhi @badheroes @tilliwriteapine

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Seen a few people say Monty is horrible/evil/intentionally malicious, etc etc. Monty was only human for a very short time and during the entirety of it, he was living with a woman who was clearly threatening him and eventually killed him (to turn him into a crow, yes, but it's a violent and painful process and Monty knew it). He was a victim. He was following the orders of a woman who had power over him, and it's very likely he viewed her as a mother figure given that she cared for him and possibly did raise him as a crow. Essentially: new to human life + given instructions by the woman he trusts + unaware of her endgame/the damage he would cause. No victim is perfect. His options were to follow her instructions, which he didn't know were as bad as they were, or to go against her (the woman who he's actively being abused by) for people he didn't know. He did what he thought was best for his own safety AND he ended up going against her in the end anyway!! If you don't like Monty that's fine, opinions are opinions, but don't claim he's evil and morally irredeemable for responding to abuse and threats in a normal fucking way. It's okay to recognize his actions caused harm, but you have to understand that he was acting with a limited worldview and was literally being abused. He was a victim, and victims aren't perfect, and a LOT of victims cause harm unintentionally because they are acting out of self preservation and in a lot of distress. He's not a bad person for it and when people claim he is it just reads as them holding victims to an often unobtainable standard.

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None of this is in my room considering I'm actively moving BUT...

Tagging (most of) my moots 🫡

@arrow-jsy @read-write-thrive @novacomics @marcusdakat @ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse @gender-luster @saritagiovanna @marbearmarigold @tumb3ld0wn + anyone else who wants to join :))

Thanks for the tag @tar-thelien

Feel free to join in:

@melancholysage @mystrothedefender @flora-friend @mechanoelle

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Senators are going to vote on whether or not we should continue to send aid to Israel on Wednesday, November 13th. Call them, bombard their phone lines with calls. Every fucking day. We have a chance of doing something about this.

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"This fic was ai generated—" Cool, so lemme block you real quick

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*Frantically repeating through tears* I love life, I love living, I love life, I love living, I love life, I love living

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🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

Let's do four things I'm passionate about because I'm an eepy fella and have like 2% brain power rn🫡

1. Writing - ofc. I'm 20k deep into a DBDA fic and constantly rotating it in my mind despite being busy as all hell. I have 5+ other projects in the works. Idk, I've always created stories in my head and getting them written down is both a horrifically painful experience and so fucking rewarding

2. Art - if I could do this forever I would. UNFORTUNATELY, I have a life to live 😔 Art is just beautiful and creating it is also a very rewarding process.

3. The gay people on my TV - I need to give them all hugs and also I need to put them in the torture device. Rotating them in my brain constantly. Put them through hell and then pull them out bloody and weeping and pat them on the head. This bad boy can fit so much angst. Make them kiss and pat them on the head. This bad boy can fit so much fluff.

4. The gay people on my phone - kissing you all on the mouth/giving you all epic high-fives. All of the fan work, headcanons, random thoughts, etc etc get stuck in my brain and I become mentally ill about them for a minimum of 5 minutes and up to literally forever. Also the gay people on my phone who hold conversations with me get a bonus of me going "hey this freak would like this" about random things in my life. Even if I don't mention it to you know I am thinking of you and all of you get cookies 🫡🍪🫶

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interact with this post if you believe aspec identities are queer

trying to prove a point (not forced!!)

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These tags are hilarious 😭🙏

Can I offer you blorbos from my show in these trying times?

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kissing you on the forehead

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this blog hates donald trump

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Hwehehehehehehehehehehe boop

Evil smack boop /aff 😈😈😈

Criminal 😔

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Can I offer you blorbos from my show in these trying times?