ndunaway-blog - Tumblr blog

[ndunaway-blog]

Privilege

Priviledge is sitting in a lecture of 126 where 89 have travel outside the U.S.

[ndunaway-blog]

night

[ndunaway-blog]

Self-love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.

[ndunaway-blog]

[ndunaway-blog]

12-13-17

Finals:

I’ve procrastinated so hard. I knew finals were coming up and that I should have started studying but I’ve dreaded studying. Studying is actually not bad, it just really hard to start but once I start I’m good.

This semester I have five finals; Calculus of Several Variables, Modern Algebra, Stat 3005, Theatrical Statistics, and Medical Geography.

My grades aren’t what I would have hoped for but I’m trying not to let it, get me down. I just have to power through and get through the next week. This time next week I’ll be on my way home, back to NoVa.

 I have a full car with four other students and all their stuff. I decided to take people back from school and drop them off at the East Falls Church metro station. I’m charging $20 a person and my gas is about $25 so I’m making a $55 profit.

 Next week I should find out if I got into the service abroad trip to Peru. I had my interview last Wednesday and I think it went really well. Originally I applied to go the Dominican Republic over winter break but I didn’t get in which was hard. I think the reason I didn’t get in was I my interview didn’t go as well as it could have. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t get it even though it hurt at the time. I truly believe that things happen for a reason even if we can’t see what the reason is. I trust enough that things will work out for the best and so far in my life, it’s been true.

Everything has worked out for the better. This life I’ve been given has had its ups and downs but it’s been really beautiful and pretty damn amazing. I’ve felt more blessed and grateful recently because I’ve reflected more about my life and everything I have. I have an absolutely amazing mom and fantastic friends.

My mom has been with me through everything and has supported me no matter what. We have different opinions on different things but even when we don’t agree she still supports me.

Ex Relationship: 

I hope one day soon I’ll stop thinking about him every day and that he’ll just be a past memory that I think about occasionally.

“If it’s destroying you, then it wasn’t love, my dear.”

 Winter break:

My plans for winter break are coming together which is super nice.

I plan to shadow someone from Geico, working at camp Columbia, cleaning up my child room, volunteering, doctors’ appointments and maybe a little babysitting.  At the end of the break, I plan on going to Richmond to visit Ana and have some fun before the next semester starts.

Need to organize notebooks for next semester (bring back more printer paper)

 Money:

Was going to use the money I got from driving people back for  new bras but I think I’m going to save the money for gas. I go through gas really quickly, especially because my tank only holds 13 gallons.

I’ve also been spending a lot more money recently that I’d like. Spending money on gas and little things that I could have saved money on/didn’t buy.

 Wants: (doesn’t mean I’ll buy all of this, just a wish list)

New bras

Pearl jewelry

Vest- because I want to preppier

New pens for the new semester

US map-pin board

Wood burning pen

Zen garden

New laptop case

Self-love books

Silver bracelet

New umbrella?

Jumper cables for my car

Monitor-for school  

[ndunaway-blog]

When someone shows who they are, believe them the first time.

Maya Angelou

[ndunaway-blog]

Dream city.

city

[ndunaway-blog]

Absolutely beautiful.

sky

[ndunaway-blog]

[ndunaway-blog]

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

Neil Gaiman (via themotivationjournals)

words I need night now

[ndunaway-blog]

Just Don’t

I’m sure there’s already probably a post out there about this but here’s a list of things not to say to someone with a chronic illness:

1. “But you don’t look sick.” - I read this article about a girl who’s really sick with a lot of different chronic illnesses, and she said that if she had a dollar for every time she’s been told this she could afford the various surgeries she needs to survive. I’ve said it before, it’s a blessing and a curse to not look as horrible as we feel. On good days, I like to pretend that I’m normal and I can blend in. On the bad days, I hear this a thousand times. Do you think that by telling me this I magically feel better? Because that’s not how this works. Y’all are lucky I don’t look how I feel because you’d run screaming. The reason this offends us is because it comes off like you’re not believing us. Please don’t do it.

2. “You’re too young to have that.” - Thank you. I’ll just tell that to my body. Did it fix me? No? Shocking. Again, this is offensive because it seems like you’re not believing us. Please don’t do it.

3. “At least it’s not cancer.” - Omgggggg. This one pisses me off like no other. There’s a post about this I’ve seen on here and the best line is something like “Who told you it was okay to rank suffering?” <——- READ IT AGAIN. That is never okay. You come off as so ignorant when this comment is made. Just because you actually know something about cancer doesn’t mean you know anything about how it would compare to my illness and it’s so ignorant to even try to compare them!!!! Did you know that the most commonly used drugs to treat autoimmune diseases are chemo drugs? And we stay on those for LIFE. Also, what’s one of the most feared things for a cancer survivor? A relapse. This is like waking up to a relapse every day of our lives. This is offensive because it’s ignorant. You know nothing about my illnesses and yet you’re going to try to compare it to something else and the fact that you’re trying to compare two different types of suffering when you know nothing about the one is just wrong. It’s just wrong to even try to say one person is suffering more than another. Don’t do it. —–> this section also includes the “this person I know had cancer and is living an inspiring adventurous life” people. Just stop. Honestly. Do you think I’m just sitting here bitching and not trying my hardest to survive? Do you think I enjoy this? Do you seriously think that if I had any way to live like that that I would still be sitting here? Omg. Please don’t do it.

4. “My aunt’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s brother’s friend has that and she’s fine.” - I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard this shit. Okay the dog part is exaggerated but not much! Like please, tell me how this person you’ve maybe seen twice in your life and maybe even talked to once is just doing fine. Did you ask them about their illness? Did you ask them how long it took for them to get diagnosed and what life was like during that time? Did you ask how many medications they’re on to keep them going in a semi-normal life? Did you ask them how they’re actually feeling underneath that smile? Did you ask them if they’re going to cry when they get home from being in so much pain from spending a day pretending to be normal? You didn’t? Didn’t think so. Again, ignorant. Please don’t do it.

5. “You just need to be more positive.” - Seriously? Please, tell me more. Explain to my joints that since I’m thinking happy thoughts they shouldn’t be aching any more. Explain to my lungs that I should be able to breathe now. You know, I know that being positive is something I need to work on and that it can help me with my overall happiness on good days. But this is offensive because you imply that I’m not trying hard enough and that this is a simple illness that can vanish if I put in enough effort. Like I’m not doing everything I possibly can. Like I’m just being lazy. Being positive is not going to change the nights I spend alone in too much pain to sleep. Ignorant. Please don’t do it.

6. “Are you sure it’s not all in your head?” - Man…this is the worst. Like there is no way that this comment could be helpful. You are indicating that you don’t believe the person speaking and that you aren’t listening to anything they’re telling you. If somebody is telling you about their illnesses they’re telling you about real shit. Shut up and listen. Plus, this also bothers me because it’s derogatory towards anyone with mental illnesses. So what if it was in my head? Does that make it any less real? If you care about somebody does it matter where their pain is coming from? More ignorance. Please don’t do it.

I think that most people just don’t really grasp the reality of the situation and the fact that you can get sick and never get better. I think most people honestly think they’re helping in some way but these things make us feel even more isolated and make us want to reach out to people even less. Saying these things shows us that you know nothing about our lives and that you aren’t listening to what we’re saying. Because in all honesty, none of these things have anything to do with our own individual situations. So if you really care about the person who’s opening up to you about their illness, listen to what they say about what their life is really like. You can ask questions we love it when someone shows a genuine interest but don’t say ignorant things. If you don’t know what someone is going through, then don’t pretend like you do. Don’t compare one case to another, don’t compare one disease to another, don’t judge us by our appearance or our age, don’t make assumptions about our mental health or our mindset. There are so many stigmas against us anyways so if somebody you care about is trying to inform you please listen. Thank you.

[ndunaway-blog]

When people look at me, they see a relatively healthy 20 year old but they don’t know my story...

Why Do You Hide?

“Why do you hide your illness?”

Maybe it’s because people don’t even believe me when I tell them I’m sick.

Maybe it’s because I can feel people become uncomfortable when I talk about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired of having to disclose extremely personal medical information to random people. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve had doctors doubt me. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve had people I love doubt me. 

Maybe it’s because I’m looked down upon when I need help.

Maybe it’s because of all of the times it’s been implied that I’m just not trying hard enough to get better.

Maybe it’s because it’s easier to pretend I’m okay than it is to explain that I am in fact in pain this very minute even though I’m out of the house because if I didn’t do anything every time I was in pain I would literally never do anything because I am in pain every minute of every day.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had my sanity questioned when I try to open up.

Maybe it’s because I’m terrified of the harassment I would face if I identified myself as disabled.

Maybe it’s because I know you’ll never understand unless you experience it (and I would never want you to).

Maybe it’s because I’m so freaking sick of hearing the judgment in healthy people’s voices. 

Maybe it’s because society has made me feel that disabled people are lesser than able-bodied people.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel important enough for anyone to care.

Maybe it’s because I feel like nobody would want to be around me if they knew how bad things really are.

[ndunaway-blog]

12-12-17

Today has been harder than I anticipated because my thoughts are surrounding my ex and our recent breakup. My feelings have been up and down but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. This past Sunday I broke up with my first boyfriend (except he didn't want to call us girlfriend and boyfriend) and it's been super hard. Even though I was the one who broke things off it still is super painful. I think what I miss the most is the idea of where our relationship could have gone but I don't miss him(as a person) as much. I was more in lust with the idea of him than I was in "love" (but not love, more liking) him. He "checked" these boxes that I'd created that I thought I needed/wanted on my significant other. you have grown from them. I learned a lot about myself and what I deserve and what I want in a relationship. From every relationship you have, you learn and you grow from it. I've been on this journey of self-love and self-understanding and I'm continuing to grow and learn more about myself. It's an ongoing relationship that I have with myself, learning to love myself and accept who I am. Reflection on the year: Recently I've been reflecting on this past year and everything that has happened. 

I recently posted this on my FB and Instagram after getting my first tattoo: (first tattoo: through the pain, I find beauty...) "This last year hasn't been the toughest by far but it has been a rough one. The year started out with me recovering from my surgery and my recovery was hard. I went through many more test than anticipated and am still going through them. While in the theoretical statistics this past week I was thinking about much I've gone through and what I've gotten out of my various experiences over the years. I came to the realization that through all the pain and hard times, that I've discovered some pretty beautiful things about life... I wanted to get something that represented the past few years. " I had surgery for compartment syndrome December 21st last year and had a little bit of a rougher recovery than I had anticipated. I had to go to the ER right after I got home from surgery and then I sprained my right ankle because I wasn't using my crutches. Surgery did not help my chronic pain and I went through more tests to figure out what was wrong.  I also got my wisdom teeth and was in so much pain afterward.

I did: nerve test, compartment test (again!), MRI's (more of them), diagnosed with may turner syndrome,  DNA test (spit) and most recently blood DNA test.