narcbaum

[narcbaum]

Late one night, I scoured the available media platforms in search of a film that would provoke some deep emotional response to counteract the monotonous anxiety and boredom of waking life. Atop the suggested list, I found a gem. An anime film that made me choke up at 2am and sent me down a path of painful anime. I watched this film two nights in a row, Friday and Saturday, before the start of my summer internship. My nerves worsened my insomnia and I needed something to exhaust me. A Silent Voice was my answer.

A Silent Voice is a film of redemption, forgiveness, and love. A boy relentlessly bullies a deaf classmate at the encouragement of his friends until she’s forced to transfer. Upon her transfer, the boy faces inner torment as his friends distance themselves and his guilt pushes him towards isolation. When he reaches high school, he’s a social reject (maybe because of his negative reputation, or maybe because he avoids relationships as some sort of penance). He decides that April 15th would be his last day and he stands atop  a bridge with the intention of jumping.

He imagines his imminent death, but is snapped back to reality with the crackle of fireworks. He looks down and sees three kids lighting them off in the spring sunlight. Instead of jumping, he decides to visit the girl he tormented. The firework saved his life, and hers.

The film follows the boy as he attempts to befriend the girl he relentlessly bullied. She is cautious at first, fleeing when he arrives at her classroom. But her cautious fear disappears when he asks her to be friends - in sign language. Their relationship grows, their friend group expands, and life seem to be heading in the right direction. Until its not.

The boy’s guilt-fueled doubt and loathing leads to confrontation with his new friends. The girl feels guilty. Perhaps she is the root of the boy’s misery. Perhaps if she disappeared, his and her family’s problems would go away. Perhaps... she should just die.

On the night of a festival, the boy and the girl and her family go to watch the fireworks. She excuses herself to go study, and the boy ends back at her apartment at the request of her younger sibling. As the fireworks blossom in the night sky, the girl climbs the railing of her balcony. She jumps. He grabs her. He saves her. He falls. The rest is for you to watch.

I missed the symmetry of fireworks during the first viewing. I didn’t the second time. It’s hard to forget the festival firework scene, and hard to ignore the importance of fireworks with another viewing. Fireworks saved his life, which in turn saved her life. They were both given second chances with the colorful explosions of celebration. I wish I could write a paper researching the importance of fireworks in Japanese cinema. Look at films like Fireworks, too. Perhaps fireworks represent reincarnation, second chances, life or death. It’s unclear, but I want to explore these ideas more

At the end, this didn’t really turn out to be an analytical piece on the two scenes, but I really just wanted to express my love for this film. I thought the story was powerful, the characters were compelling, and the imagery was beautiful. I wanted to highlight the symmetry and write a note for future analysis. If you haven’t seen this film, or haven’t seen it in a while, give A Silent Voice a viewing.

8.5/10

Sunday, June 21, 2020 at 11:40 PM. Arlington

[narcbaum]

It’s Been a Long Time

I’ve returned. After years of silence, I’ve returned to the world of Tumblr to spread my bullshit. I’ve watched a lot of movies in my exile, and I look forward to delving into some powerful scenes and some beautiful images. I’m rather busy during these COVID days, but we’ll see how productive I can be.

6/20/20 @ 3:54 pm. Arlington.

[narcbaum]

In a Lonely Place is considered classic film noir, and while not one of Humphrey Bogart’s most well-known roles, his performance as Dix Steele (yeah I know) is undoubtedly impressive. 

I don’t tend to watch the film noir genre when I get the chance to enjoy a “new” movie, especially seeing as those chances have become increasingly limited. Thus my statements of what seems uncommon or unique to this genre are the opinions of a moderately educated film-buff and nothing more. Despite this lack of expertise, I’m still going to express my opinions and do almost no research to back them up. 

Anyways. From the films I have seen, we're usually introduced to a mystery from the lips of some cloaked beauty begging the protagonist to find the killer of (insert generic name of loved one) OR we watch as some surly, but lovable, gent tries to prove his own innocence while escaping the iron grips of the law. Here, the film is much more concerned with the protagonist’s love life and mental state as he deals with a background murder investigation. The death of the victim is completely secondary in In a Lonely Place, replaced by a focus on the pressures of the haunting uncertainty. And Humphrey Bogart excellently portrays this man unconcerned by the murder and overly concerned by the deception. 

Generally I would try to write more about the film, but I’m simply exhausted. 

Until next time,

MAN.

11/4 @ 2:06. Boston.

[narcbaum]

It’s been a while.

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and actually wrote something with some thought put behind it. To be honest, I don’t know if this’ll be that kind of post either, but I can at least catch myself up. 

Since my last post, I’ve actually started law school. I’ve completed five weeks of it so far and I’m kind of stuck. Even though I live in a house with four other guys, literally all of them  have college friends living in the area. I’m stuck because I need a group of people to push me to go out and socialize, but instead they go out and hang out with their non-Law school friends. And I get that. I also depend on my college friends, but I don’t have them to physically lean on. They’ve been keeping me sane these past few weeks through group texts and Discord chats, but how long can you keep a telephone relationship going? Anyways, it’s been lonely.

Hopefully I can change this feeling though. I sit next to this kid in class who was a Yale rower and he might honestly be my ticket to having a pleasant time here. He invited me and some others to his/his girlfriend’s place across from Fenway Park. It was a gorgeous place with an incredible view of the ball field from the roof. And I actually socialized last night, made a couple potential friends. This shit’s wild though. I thought I was done having to put on that social face to befriend classmates. Why couldn’t class conversations lead to quality friendships? I mean I know why. Either way, I could potentially survive by just getting my work done, but I think I need camaraderie.

Kanye West, the social moron and musical genius that he is, has left me disappointed again by broadcasting “Yandhi 9/29/2018.” Yet here I am, 3 am of the night he promised new music, and I’m left hungry. Kanye, what are you doing, man? Frank, what are you doing, man? Hey Vince, rumor had it that you were supposed to drop something yesterday, what’s up with you? Why the fuck is Lil Wayne the one coming out of the wood work? Who knows what the fuck is going on?

I also finally sat down and watched Harvey(1950) with James Stewart, albeit on my desktop monitor. The man’s a great actor, no complaints from this critic right now. Though I am officially exhausted. And I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. 

Good night, Marc. You deserve happiness in this world. You will get that happiness sooner or later. You are a quality human being. Don’t you forget that.

9/30/18 @  3:16 am. Boston.

[narcbaum]

Its just cool that Big Boi likes Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill”

It seems that I’ll be struggling to find a group of people at Law School that listens to the music I listen to. One of my future housemates was so vehemently against rap music that he said would destroy my speakers if I blasted rap in the house. Fuck that guy.

Here’s hoping I don’t get stuck surrounded by a bunch of Country listening assholes. 

8/25 @ 11:34pm. Boston.

[narcbaum]

Wild.

I don’t know if its the show making me overwhelmingly introspective and seemingly depressed or if its just life, but Mad Men has done a good job at making me feel something. Or at least I think it has. 

Its weird, but I get a pang of nostalgia when I watch the show even though I wasn’t born for another thirty years or so. I’m a late-stage millennial and have had an overwhelmingly “easy” life as an upper-middle class white male with highly educated parents and a stable home life. And still I get that kind of sexist and elitist desire to be a piece-of-shit millionaire who drinks liquor like its water, inhales cigarettes like their air, and fucks like its my God given right.

But then you get these moments that just suck you back to reality, to the fact that the 1960s were truly racist and sexist times. To the modern census, I’m Caucasian/white. To the men of that era, I’m a weird breed of Jew and Wop. I wouldn’t be allowed membership in a lot of country clubs and other high-society organizations. And oddly enough, that still might be the case today. 

This shit is wild.

also-

This is off topic, but I’d like to mention it. I visited the YouTube channel of this guy I used to watch and saw that nothing had been uploaded in 2 years. He had once been a member of the Creatures, but left to pursue a solo career. When I googled his name/gamertag to see what had happened to him, I was brought to his Tumblr. I didn’t know what I was expecting...

But I sure wasn’t expecting to find it utterly filled with Hentai. Literally 95% of his posts/shares were of sexually explicit animated women. And it sure seemed to be his real Tumblr; it was connected to all his other social media accounts. It left me confused and grossed out and ultimately in a funk. That shit was wild too.

8/17 @ 3:06am

[narcbaum]

The Star-Crossed Formula

I rewatched Roman Holiday (1953) tonight and realized just how similar it was to one of my other favorite films. As we sit watching a screen for two hours, two people from completely different spheres of life meet in an exotic locale through random chance (or perhaps we should call it Fate) and rapidly fall in love for each other. And we fall in love with her as he falls in love with her. They are completely wrong for each other but they seem to be soul-mates. We are dragged on an emotional rollercoaster as we laugh at their jokes, smile at their compliments, swoon at their flirtations, and ache at their beautifully painful realizations. They are in love, but they can never be together.

If told right, that basic idea can transform into a powerful film. I mean its such an old idea- even Shakespeare had his star-crossed lovers. But still, when told well it finds a way of crushing the audience and leaving them satisfied in being vulnerable. It furthers the idea that true love exists in this world, that there is someone out there that is simply perfect for you. But then the ground beneath you gives way as you realize that the perfect person may not be able to love you back for some sad reason. 

The formula works. Lost In Translation (2003) used it too and I’ll be damned if it didn’t make for another great film.

8/15 @ 3:35am

[narcbaum]

Moving On?

Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say or maybe I just don’t know what to say. I've stayed away for over a month now and I still don’t know what to write. So many things have happened since June, but this is still a struggle. I guess I can go with this:

A new and terrifying stage in life is about to begin for me and I don’t think I’m ready. I’m not ready to be a plane-ride away instead of a car-ride from my friends and family. I’m not ready to live in a strange state with strangers that I already don’t like. I’m not ready to pretend once again that I’m a happy and extroverted person. I’m not ready to put on those faces again after finally settling into a group that lets me show my own. I’m not ready to find my belonging once again. 

Still, time stops for no one. Still, I’m not ready. 

Now to just figure out how to get over this shit. I move to Boston in 11 days.

8/11/2018 @ 2:40am

[narcbaum]

The Morality of Mookie

I was intending to discuss how Jean Simmons seems like another (earlier) Audrey Hepburn after watching Guys and Dolls (1955) this afternoon, but after watching Do the Right Thing (1989) I decided I wanted to discuss the morality of Mookie’s actions at the end of the film.

I’ve always had a complicated opinion of Spike Lee. I have loved some of his films, loathed some of his films, and today I walked away with bittersweet contemplations of Do the Right Thing. I walked away questioning why Mookie threw a trashcan through the window of Sal’s Pizzeria after the death of Radio Raheem. I mean, he saw Buggin’ Out, Radio Raheem, and Smiley come into the store blaring music and demanding change. He saw Sal get defensive and destroy the boombox while yelling the n-word. He saw Radio’s response. He saw Radio drag Sal out to the street by the neck. He then saw cops pick up Radio and choke him to death with a police club. He saw that Sal didn’t kill Radio Raheem. Yet he still decided to throw a trashcan through the window which resulted in the immediate destruction of Sal’s Pizzeria and the start of a riot. 

It took me a while to understand why someone who stood before the crowd with red hand-marks on his throat, someone who didn’t murder Radio Raheem, was ultimately targeted. I read a little bit, and it makes some more sense now. Sal, his boys, and his Pizzeria represented the white patriarchy at that moment of anger. They weren’t the men who strangled Radio Raheem to death, but they represented the sort of power struggle that left urban black society hurting. They were a profitable white business making money on the stomachs of black men and women. And human being had just been killed. A black man was just killed by a white man with a badge and a stick. They were angry with society, they were angry at the white patriarchy, they were tired of their struggle. I can appreciate their anger.

So do I agree that it was right to take that anger out on the man who had not killed Radio Raheem? Right to take it out on a man who, yes, most definitely shouldn’t have destroyed Radio Raheem’s radio while screaming the N-Word, but still was not responsible for Radio’s death. Right to take it out on a man who was proud to have a shop in that neighborhood, proud to see so many of those people grow up with his food. Absolutely fucking not! Now, don’t get me wrong, you absolutely can’t compare a man’s life to property damage, but you can say that an “eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.” Since when is the fire and brimstone response the right response?

And just to mention it- I don’t think it was wrong for Sal to reject Buggin’ Out’s demand for black men and women to be placed upon his wall. Yes, its not a big deal to support your customers (the men and women who have kept you in business all these years) by placing their heroes on the wall and I would’ve done that, but that wasn’t the point. The restaurant was owned and operated by Italian Americans who were proud to be Italian Americans; that wall was supposed to highlight the accomplishments of their own people. The wall contained notable Italian Americans, it was a display of pride in his heritage and what’s wrong with that? I wouldn’t go down to Ben’s Chili Bowl in DC and ask them to add Italian American or Jewish heroes to their mural, because that isn’t the point. The Mural at Ben’s is a celebration of black culture and highlights heroes of the black community, and the wall at Sal’s is the same for Italian Americans.

Either way, Do the Right Thing handled racism in a way I’ve never really seen and it left me thinking.

6/24 @ 3:19am

[narcbaum]

Oh yeah. Kanye released his album June 1st. Like he said he would.

7 tracks, 23:41. Its a solid album. 

6/3 @ 4:18am

[narcbaum]

Its been over a week but who’s counting. Today I helped a girl I might just like move away from me. From two blocks to a twenty five minute car ride. I wish I could say something to this girl but I’ve known her for eighteen years and I’m moving away in two months. And I’m terrified. When you hate yourself, you tend to lack the confidence necessary in believing you are desirable to other people. Her parents were thankful that I was helping out, perhaps they were a bit curious too. I would be if it was my own daughter. Anyways, this all just makes me think.

pictured above- Melancholy Woman(1902) by Pablo Picasso

6/3 @ 4:15am

[narcbaum]

Absence

I haven’t been active recently simply because I haven’t felt like writing, or I’ve been preoccupied, or I just forgot. Plenty has happened and plenty more has wandered through my sleepless mind. I spent a week in Williamsburg, possibly the last week I’ll ever spend in Williamsburg, the last week I will ever see my friends together in the same place for that amount of time and that freedom of living. I found out that the phenomenon I wrote about in “Sessions of Wandering,” or a very similar one, also occurs with Conor and Austin but they coined it the Scale Nightmare (in regards to the differing scales of sizes, masses, etc.). Conor experiences something that can only be described as the Big Bang, something that is so immensely compact containing near infinite matter. 

I also explored the reasoning behind ghosting. Had multiple nightmares about past failed relationships/friendships that revealed how truly awful my subconscious is. And stressed about how I sounded in a conversation via text message. It’s been a rough week.

I don’t know when I’m going to write next. Could be tomorrow. Could be next week. Could be never. Who knows?

5/22 @ 2:58am

an i even stayed up all night trying to fix my sleep schedule...

[narcbaum]

Sessions of Wandering

Im extraordinarily tired and should be asleep right now considering my trip tomorrow, but I wanted to get this down.

Sometimes when I am on the brink of slumber, my brain starts to go slightly haywire. I start forming paradoxical ideas and occasional sensations. Sometimes my mind starts to wander to a tiny object, like a metal bead or a pin, but then it ascribes enormous weight to said object. The tiny metal thing somehow becomes incomprehensibly heavy. My mind freaks out and then I am brought back to consciousness. Awake when I should be asleep.

Sometimes my mind wanders to the exact opposite scenario. It starts to imagine an enormous object that has no weight to it. Like something the height and width of a building but with the thickness of a single cell. Like prop boulders used on movie sets that weigh as much as the foam that was used to form them. Where I have the ability to fling something that should be able leave me frustrated and breathless. Then I’m snapped back to consciousness.

And sometimes my mind wanders to bodily failings. Attempting to comprehend what it would be like to have absolutely no control over my overall movements. Like free-falling, where even as I move my legs and swing my arms, I remain unable to change course. Or like being attached to a giant parachute and just being dragged wherever the wind takes me. It horrifies me, to have absolutely no physical control. So once again I snap awake.

This may seem like nonsensical late-night babble, but I think Ill be able to comprehend these sensations whenever I look back at tonight. I think the Panda Bear concert may have sparked this session of wandering.

5/8 @ 4am

[narcbaum]

Donald Glover, as Childish Gambino, blessed us with some new music and an incredible music video. This is the kind of message we wanted from Kanye West, instead we got a man wearing a MAGA hat and scoopity poops.

5/6 @ 6:50pm

[narcbaum]

Awoken by a Hiss

While I was not technically asleep, I was lying in bed dreading the necessity of a semi-normal rise in the morning. I was contemplating a second melatonin and started thinking about all the plot points leading to Avengers: Infinity War. What happened in Thor: Ragnarok again? I think Odin died and Thor lost an eye, but I really can’t remember much. Marvel movies are not generally my thing, but I am supposed to see the latest Marvel Movie with my parents tomorrow at 2pm. I sat up thinking maybe a quick google search would help ease my mind when I heard a loud hissing sound coming from somewhere.

First I thought it was my computer fans overreacting to my use of Transmission. Nope.

Then I thought it was my speakers catching white noise from a dead radio station instead of the usual classical. Nope.

Then I opened my door. The noise was coming from down stairs.

Maybe the TV had supernaturally turned on and it was blaring the hiss of an empty input.

I walk downstairs, the hissing growing louder with each step. I turn on the lights in the kitchen and follow the noise.

These thoughts enter my mind in the two seconds it took me to realize the truth. Wait is the noise is coming from the sink? How is that possible? Is the garbage disposal malfunctioning? No, the switch is down. Is something alive in the sink? No its too loud. *slop*

My foot hit warm water as I stomped into a puddle growing rapidly on the hard wood floor. I hesitated for a second and then opened the cupboard beneath the sink. I was hit by a spray released by an unseen pipe/water line. It was coming from beneath the sink but I don’t know how anything in there broke. I didn’t see any pipes or lines, just a large metal casing covering what I thought was the bottom of the sink’s tub.

I rushed upstairs to wake my mother who has made it a habit to sleep in Jeremy’s old room. She wakes with a start and I say “I think a pipe burst, or something.” She rushes to the basement to turn off the water. I rush to the basement to grab some towels. 

We brave the puddle and she opens the cupboard again to clear it out. Grass or hay or plant life was placed in the corners of the cupboard. I knew a rat had been scratching at that door, but I hadn’t heard any noise for the past few days. I shouldn’t have simply hoped it had been scared away by my knocking. Perhaps it was responsible for the spray. For the hiss that woke me up. Perhaps it had crawled its way up there and chewed its way through a line. Perhaps it was just a corroded line and burst by simple wear and tear. Doubtful.

Either way, now we don’t have running water. We need to get a plumber here ASAP but who knows if he’s going to be able to fix it immediately. It’s interesting though, I got up from bed because a movie was on my mind, which led me to hearing that noise, which further led me to finding that puddle, which may very well lead me to not seeing that arising movie tomorrow. 

Its a shame for sure. I can’t even use the restroom. Life’s cruel sometimes haha. It’s quite late and I am admittedly tired. Ultimately though, we are very lucky that I am in fact an insomniac; I heard that hissing rather soon after it started. If I had been asleep like I was trying to, the house would have most likely been flooded. Serious water damage may have occurred, my parents would have to pay another large chunk of money, and I would possibly have been waking up to workers in my house until I left for Williamsburg. 

I just hope this is all fixed by Monday, I need to do laundry before the concert and my departure.

5/6 @ 4:12am

[narcbaum]

I miss the old Kanye

All this recent Kanye activity is really upsetting me. MAGA Hat, Trump sympathy, and the choice of slavery. All of this is making me regret naming our radio show “Family Business.” And I adored that time. Damnit Kanye.

5/4 @ 4:03am

[narcbaum]

Why can’t men enjoy Romantic films? I mean... I do.

The older I’ve gotten, the more comfortable I’ve become with myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I still hate myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m not somewhat more comfortable with my “flaws.” It took a while for me to admit to some of my friends that I’m a huge fucking nerd, that I I truly enjoy watching anime and Japanese film. That I enjoy playing video games and the imaginative nature of DnD. It took me a while speak out about sexual assault after joining a fraternity, and I’m really not trying to make myself out as some sort of good person. It took me a while to become comfortable enough to somewhat open up and make some quality relationships throughout college. 

Masculinity is a difficult thing to maintain, and a difficult thing to understand at times. There seems to be a set list of do’s and don’ts, of qualities and characteristics, of likes and dislikes that defines what it is to be a man. Not just a man, but a manly man. I feel like I’m an odd example when it comes to masculinity. Sure, Im a tall, tan guy with some baby blues. Sure, I joined a fraternity and I know how to throw a football. Sure, I’m about to attend law school and drive a (albeit cheaper and used) BMW. But, I like that weeb shit. I don’t like fucking drunk girls. And I’m really not comfortable with my lard ass self. I don’t know, I guess I try to convince myself that I’m fully secure in my masculinity but at times its really difficult.

This post kind of went a little off target. Ultimately I just wanted to say that I do truly enjoy romantic movies. I tend to love the “quality” ones, and still really enjoy the cheesy ones. Roman Holiday, pictured above, has quickly risen in the ranks of my favorite movies, and for a good long while another romance film has claimed the top- Lost in Translation. I look forward to watching these kinds of movies with the women I fall in love with. Hopefully they’ll like the movies as much as I....

5/4 @ 3:51am