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nanjingmakyu-blog · 8 years ago

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Today I feel more optimistic

It’s been a week since I felt completely confused and lonely and shitty. And now things feel better! For the time being at least anyway lol.

So I drank for pretty much a week straight and it came round to bite me in the ass on Wednesday because I literally was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Which is also the night that Baobao wanted to go out and I couldn’t :( but we are going out tonight fucking finallyyyy

Things feel better between us. Baobao admitted that she’s been really low and hasn’t had the patience for anyone which explains the friction between us. It’s nice to see her back to her usual self. I spent time with Tusi and Meihong and that was nice, and felt like old times.

Huangyan feels like he’s better a little but not? Like I’m kind of over it though. Like the worrying about it, not actually him. He’ll do what he wants and then if he needs me he can come back to me. I don’t understand it though cos when we chill together and stuff it seems like things are back how they are but then he’ll like slink away into the night and it feels like things aren’t back how they are.. but like I said, I’m done thinking too much into this. It’s bringing me down.

The past week, I’ve finally unlocked the magic of Taobao. This has had controversial results. I’ve gained many many many nice new clothes, and as a result, I’ve spent a shit tonne of money :) My clothes have literally tripled here in 6 months. And I still have 6 months left to go.

6 months feels like a long time, but realistically, it’s not. At all. I miss aspects of home but I really am just not ready to go back yet. I love the convenience of life here so much, and being back in Sheffield would feel like such a step backwards for me as a person.

I emailed him back the other day, saying that if he wanted to talk, I was ready to talk about things. And he hasn’t replied. Lol. Your loss, skank.

Now I’m waiting for my vomit covered bedsheets to be done in the wash but I just thought I’d type some things down a little, whilst it’s in my mind.

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nanjingmakyu-blog · 8 years ago

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Today I feel alone

To type that felt title felt weird enough. I’m hungover as fuck and sat listening to Gabrielle lol. The past few days I have felt a distance between myself and Baobao.. like almost a hostility between us. I feel like everything I say garners a negative reaction and a put down, and I can sense that Baobao is annoyed with me. But Baobao being Baobao won’t want to talk about anything and I feel like starting that conversation will just generate more friction.. idk

On days like today I miss Meihong. It’s weird to think that Meihong and I weren’t close before coming to China. Whereas now I feel that Meihong really could be one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. It’s difficult for me because as much as I love Baobao so much, I feel like I will never mean as much to Baobao as Baobao means to me. And I know that Baobao cares, but it’s still difficult. Baobao just isn’t emotional like I am, which I think makes me nervous to push anything.

Meihong doesn’t seem in a way that’s good at the moment, like within themselves. And I want to be the one that Meihong turns to when there’s a problem or something to talk about, but I feel like that isn’t going to be a thing anymore. I feel like Meihong will always care about me, but at the moment Meihong’s priority is Tusi, and I haven’t spent anytime with just Meihong alone for pretty much a month. Which kinda sucks lol. I miss you so much Meihong.

And then there’s Huangyan. Huangyan... what are you doing? Seriously? It felt like me and Huangyan really had eachother’s backs but recently, Huangyan just doesn’t want to know. Shutting themselves off from everyone. I feel like every time I pressure Huangyan to come out, they resent me more and more. I don’t want to you to resent me Huangyan..

SO anyway. The plan for today.. well my clothes and charger for my laptop are all in my suitcase which is in Baobao’s room..

I don’t even fucking know lol. The title of this is “I feel alone” yet I just really cba to see anyone or do anything lmao.

Last night I really exposed my vulnerable side and it feels weird to do so. I feel like it’s something that I need to do more of because arrogance is only so tolerable for so long. And being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. It’s just human. But I kind of built a life and a personality around being a “bitch” and stepping away from that as I get older feels weird. But like a necessary thing to do.

Days like today I so wish I had more cocodamol lol. I know it’s wrong to love something that’s so bad for you but I fucking love the stuff. The way it feels, the weightlessness for a few hours, the peace. Then I realise that actually that’s the reason you had a drug addiction and you’re a fucking idiot but WHATEVER

It’s actually funny to think now that I put myself through so much because of a man. Alcoholism, drug addiction, severe depression, anxiety, paranoia. Over a fucking MAN!!! And then said man has the audacity to send ANOTHER email.. “I miss you, but whatever”

First of all, sir, FUCK your email. Stick it up your ass. If you want a fucking conversation with me, don’t try to fucking guilt trip me into talking to you. “But whatever”, yeah fucking WHATEVER. I didn’t leave for no fucking reason. But you’re dense as fuck so you’ll never get that. You self centred prick, fuck you and your email.

I’m still in two minds about whether to reply or not. One part of me wants to just ignore it and not give said person the satisfaction of my response. The petty side of me wants to send a fucking scathing reply and get some answers. It’s just funny for me to really see how someone can take you for granted for so long, and then when you decide enough is enough, the wallowing they go through after.

I’d like to know why you wouldn’t introduce me to your parents. And why you were so hung up on your ex-boyfriend for so long. And why you had my phone passcode but I wasn’t allowed yours. And why you treated me so badly after the incident on NYE 2015 happened. And why you pretended not to know me when we saw your friends in public.

You’re a joke and I’m so glad I don’t have to compromise my own happiness for you anymore. I loved you so much and looking back, you treated me like a joke. I was so young, and you knew that, and you took advantage of that.

I’ll never have another older boyfriend again.

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nanjingmakyu-blog · 8 years ago

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Today is 28th January..

..which means I officially left the UK 5 months ago today. So yeah, my plan of writing everyday hasn’t exactly gone to plan.. in my defence, when we first arrived it was a fucking bitch trying to get VPN sorted on my Macbook so I didn’t end up using it for like a month. And then when it was sorted, I was like maybe it’s too late now..

But fuck that I wanna write so I will write!! But first, a runthrough, month by month, of what has happened so far:

August/September:

Me and Ella arrived 29th August and me being me decided after travelling for 26+ hours to get trashed in Talking with Heli, James, Nick and Lawrence and then ended up not even staying in my own room on my first night here lmao. And finding out all the drama that happened between Em, James and Abbie, I should have realised that these events were probably going to foreshadow the general vibe of the year hahahaha. DRAMA.

Arriving at Shanghai after a 12 hour flight from Heathrow and it then taking 9 hours to get from Shanghai to Nanjing. And being 累死了 and everything being hot and stressful. And having a random man on the street get us a taxi cos we had no idea what we were doing lol. And NONE of the taxi drivers at 南京南站 taking us cos we had too much luggage like FUCK YOU 操你妈. BITCH. My fucking 50kg+ of luggage has now essentially doubled and I’m wondering how much I can pay to hire someone for the day to carry it all for me on the way home lol.

Broke up with Adam. Long time coming. Didn’t go well. Proceeded to remove him from every social media and block his number. Overreacted slightly.. but whatever. Just hope he can find someone new and TREAT THEM BETTER. Lovely lovely man but so clueless maximum.. thanks for teaching me all the Singlish though babe hahahah. Wish him all the best.

Met Adrian and Cassie. Proceeded to have my first experience of fucking in the same room as someone else. So pleased to have shared this experience with Ella <3

Started class and quickly realised that starting class at 8am is HARD, UNPLEASANT and IRRITATING. Class fucking sucks and it’s boring, Kouyu is bearable because our 70-year-old teacher essentially just talked and 对不对’d the entire time. And also grilled Knarik at every possible opportunity about Armenia and it’s people and it’s GENOCIDE. Fucking Chinese have zero tact whatsoever lmao. Zonghe can fuck off and die, the content is dull and although 陈老师 is cute and pretty and looks like SinB from GFriend, she’s a shit teacher. Tingli is the absolute fucking worst because it’s SO FUCKING BORING. The only thing I can remember is legit “孙儿”, and 安然 is mouthy little bitch with an attitude problem like fuck off don’t fucking patronise me you’re like 24. Cunt. The only positive thing to note is that we essentially did zero work and attended like 50% of class and still got wonderful grades because we all cheated on our exams. Sorry bout it :)

Aron was here for like 3 weeks and then left to go back to Korea which was the fucking best thing ever because I got my big ass room all to maself yeeeeeee. And he was nice don’t get me wrong!! But boring as fuck lol and never left the room and I swear for like the whole time I never stayed in the room for like the entire weekend.. cos we were going out Friday and Saturday night every weekend and I just always ended up staying with Em or Ella (and Sophie, sorry forgot you existed you judgemental bore <3).. but then I remember when we went to Shanghai in October I was expecting him to be home when I was back cos it had been like a month after he left and he said he was only going for a month.. but then weeks and weeks went on and he never returned!!!! And well let’s hope it stays that way because I’m very accustomed to living alone now :) this is my room, my pictures are on the walls, my Twice poster is on the wall, get out :) don’t come back Aron :) ever :)

It was HOTTTTTT. Everyday was so so so hot. On one of the first days here, I remember we went to ICBC to sort our bank accounts, and I was wearing my white Vans top. And I was still fake tanning. And I sweated.. and my top fucking turned ORANGE. So I had to walk in like 35 degrees heat with my backpack on my front to cover up the fact that I was essentially melting. I stopped tanning soon afterwards.

Dyed my hair for the first time ever!! First was like ugly brown/red then just got darker and darker until was black and now I decided black suits me best so will continue to dye black. black black black black.

Got iPhone 7 because I am 小公主 spoiled little bitch maximum. :)

October

We went to Shanghaiiiiiiiiii for the first time!! It was soooo fun. Girls weekend Girls DAY PARTY~~~!! The airbnb we stayed at was beautiful but expensive. And then we went out on the Friday night and Em got fucking slapped in the face by some Chinese guy like wtf. Screaming “Angela.. ANGELA!!!” as it happened lmao. And then trying to defuse the situation and the guys started trying it on with me lmao bye. Other highlights include me and Heli being so drunk that we cried in the street cos no one would have sex with us :(

Halloween was fun.... was it? I can’t really remember. I looked good though lol, and I started wearing circle lens again.. now wear everyday and feel v ugly without lol, the struggle.

Heartache with Adrian and decided around this time that I don’t like men and don’t want a boyfriend for a long while now..

November

November was a weird month.. probably the lowest month I’ve had here and probably will have here. Hopefully. Started to really miss home and just felt frustration of class, mundane life and being tired all the time. Lowest point crying to Em in my room cos my power was off. Glad to be out of the dip though now.

November was like actually really boring, like I can’t remember much of what happened. A lot of drinking. A lot of 1912 several times a week lol. I’d kill for 煎饼 right nowwww~~

December

Exams started and everyone panicked but we ended up cheating anyway and getting great results lmao, so it’s led me to believe that I’ll put in even less effort next semester.

Fucking off the class meal after exams had finished and being questioned why we (Me, Ella, Em, Junyoung) didn’t attend and having to skirt around the obvious answer of “you’re all a bunch of cunts”.

We went to Shanghai again, this time Me, Ella, Nick, Em and James. Getting James to come was like pulling teeth as per usual but then when he did he seemed to have a good time.

Christmas in China wasn’t too enjoyable because I had the FUCKING FLU. Seriously it was like the worst I’ve felt in years, never will complain about others being sick again lol. Went for the worst Christmas dinner of my entire life at the Australian restaurant and then the bitch wanted us to pay 220块 for the dinner each. Needless to say wasn’t having it and argued it down to 180 lol, and then went to bed and slept and couldn’t go to Maxim’s party :(

ME AND EM WENT TO KOREA. It was like a dream come true wtf. My 6 year long dream of being a KPOP star was realised and it was perfect and wonderful and COLD but still amazing and I wish I was there right now.. I spent so much fucking money though but whatever, the shopping and the food was all sooooo gooooood. And Junyoung was a great tour guide too. Went to all the sights and met Heejeong, Nahyun and Jaechui on one day. I miss them all so much but especially you, Park Junyoung :( But I will go back definitely, and take everyone else with us next time.

January

Coming back from Korea was a NIGHTMARE. Went outside the airport in 西安 for a cig and then not being allowed back in for 2 1/2 hours. Had to wait in a fucking bus terminal, freezing cold, no phone charge. Flight then delayed even further. Came back to Nanjing with the feel of death v apparent :) and also suffocating on the air because of 5 days in clean, beautiful Seoul~~

Stayed in Nanjing for about a week until me and Ella decided that we couldn’t cope with the cold and the boredom so we booked a holiday to Sanya in 5* hotel and flights for £350!!! Then we we arrived we got fucking upgraded to a suite and it was beautiful. We spent the week just chilling out and the weather was so perfect. So sad to come home but so happy to be reunited with Em, Nick and Heli again :3

And that’s the T!!!

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