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how bad did it get,  is a question you whisper to yourself, after hanging up with your mother. when she doesn’t seem exactly thrilled, you think, when you mention you and your boyfriend want to come visit. just for a day trip, you tell her, and she asks why. to see you, you reply. what is she trying to hide?

and so you wonder how bad it got, in those few weeks, you wonder if it was longer than those few weeks. in your phone call she seems sober, if sedated, and you toss and turn that night. as you have been most nights--you’ve been dreaming about her regularly again. sometimes the whole dream is her. last week, you had to drive her around because she was drunk. in the dream, of course. you had to take over driving for her because she couldn’t continue. dream you isn’t subtle. dream you doesn’t do slight metaphors, dream you only deals in in-your-face symbolism. two nights ago she just popped up, waved, but even in your dream it didn’t register as friendly. and so you’ve taken to waking up from these dreams, clutching your boyfriend, saying: i had a bad dream, assuming he’ll know what you mean. 

still. you wonder how bad it got. in your youth, you helped her hide things. piled hall closets high full of empty boxed wine, made sure your grandmother didn’t know what was ever Really Going On. It had only been in the last couple of years, really, that you’d stopped listening for slurred sounds or exagerrated vowels, or any tell-tale signs of alcohol, mania. you know that’s gone again. you know that’s gone forever. you’re not around to hide things anymore but you’re not really sure you want to expose anything, either. you wonder if she must be lonely. you think she must be lonely. and so now you can’t stop thinking about, really, why she didn’t seem more excited. she mentioned something about maybe a job happening, said to let her know, said to keep her in the loop. but seemed more amiable when you mentioned spring. and you guess that makes sense. we’re all better in the spring. snow thawing, replaced with gray rain, or whatever. let’s not kid ourselves: the northeast is rarely blue, green. 

you have spent your entire life wondering what it all can mean. 

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by Anna Ladd, This Week I Am Strugging With Self Doubt and the Transition From Iced Coffee to Hot Coffee

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my biggest fears for the last few years have been gaining back all the weight and my mother drinking again and i don’t know how to cope with the latter without focusing too much on the former.

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“happy thanksgiving, our decade-long sober mother was drunk when i picked her up at the airport and confessed that she has been drinking again” and other texts I received from my brother this evening 

glad i’m not there. but of course, as we can all imagine, i’m There.

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u will find ur Person. sometimes it may confuse u bc they’re not shiny like a movie the way u imagined, but u’ll know by the calm they bring

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hey! i met someone i like who isn’t a complete piece of shit! i’ve been weirdly happy! idk where it’s going but it could be good! okay! bye!

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painfully real

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David Shrigley

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*stirs coffee with a lit cigarette and then drops it in* have you ever heard of the smiths

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“the wish to not feel hunger, the wish to not want to call him...” i am still the same me i was 8 months ago.

snow day again today & he doesn’t ever text me first. went to nyc this wknd, came back to boston feeling more displaced/more out of place. every day for the last two weeks my first thought upon waking up has been: Today Is The Day I Stop Eating. sometimes i look back on my times of anxiety and starvation, of not eating and not sleeping, with nostalgia. oh, what self-control i exhibited, i think. and i know it’s wrong to look back to those times of disappearance with light in my eyes but i can’t help it. the wish to not feel hunger, the wish to not want to call him: the two things are intrinsically linked. the need to rise above what i believe should be within my control. most all of, i want to be finished with desire, i want to feel empty of these burdens.

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Hello Loneliness - Molly Nilsson <3<3<3

HELLO THERE