nameg24 - Tumblr blog

[nameg24]

You know what the best thing about Tumblr is? Nobody would ever know your true identity. It is okay to stay anonymous sometimes and keep sharing your thoughts. Some strangers reading it and then commenting on the sections is fantastic. There is a sense of freedom, as nobody is there to judge you, thus having our own space. How many of you agree?

[nameg24]

THE EXPERIENCE OF MY DISTANT HOME

It was cold at 7 p.m. in Mumbai and all I could see with my naked eyes were city lights. The auto-rickshaw was at its full speed making my eyes go thinner because the cold air was just hitting my face. But when tilted my head a bit towards the left, I saw his bare manly hands clasped. I looked at those hands and then at him while he was enjoying the breeze. I was ready to do it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to hold his hand.

Well, first to start off with, this wasn't my first time holding a guy's hands. The first time was bad, it had zero emotions involved. It was more like a challenge given to me by the guy to prove to him that I am not shy at all, rather equally badass like the 18 yr old cool and bitch girls should be. But little did I know back then that I need not prove anything to anybody and ended up ruining one of the most important stages of a relationship (Though I wasn't dating that guy). I regret it. Soon, I learned and accepted the fact that I am a super shy girl who would take ages to even hug her girlfriends because of her shyness. Was anything wrong with me? Absolutely not. Over the period of time, I realized that I hate clinging, so I took this as an advantage and always wanted my first "holding the guy's hand", first "hug" and first "kiss" to be precious to my heart. A moment that is not created out of haste decision but out of comfort and warmth. Soon, I also realized that after getting comfortable with a person I do end up getting too clingy. That's hard to believe, right? On this date, I do feel like giving tight hugs to my girlfriends because it is the assurance and the warmth that I have gracefully accepted, though they keep teasing me about me being a 'touch me not plant'. Nevertheless, a touch me not also shies off after receiving the warmth.

I always wondered if I would be able to experience any of it soon. Just to clarify, I wasn't desperate just a curiosity to know how would I react when the time comes. About 3 months back when I met the guy and started chatting daily, I found my solace and happiness there. I want to share every bit of my day with him. What I was wearing, what color scrunchy I was using, what kind of bag I was using, which train I took, or what kind of hot guys I found that particular day. I want to cry to him about my daily commute, or my bad days and force him to console me. I want him to take care of my daily tantrums without falling apart. I want to share every bit of my story with him. This is how it is when you fall in love with somebody, gradually? I don't have an answer to this.

He is a space where I can be myself. And soon I realized that I have started imagining all exciting things with him, like holding hands, while our friends are around, but secretly giving him a quick hug before any of our friends even get suspicious. Probably I was ready to hold his hand, I guess. Hence, thought of experimenting with it, which turned out to be a blunder. I ended up shaking goodbye to him instead of making it any romantic. I rather made him feel like a 'bro' friend. I definitely regretted doing that and cursed myself too. However, he was patient enough and understood me and just shrugged it off with a laugh, though I was all embarrassed. I thought all about it when I came back home and made it a point that when we were alone, we can hold hands this time I will be confident and I will be taking the first step, if and only if I was ready for it.

And it was the 30th of January 2023. Let me highlight the date in your mind. We contacted and planned to meet at our usual place at the station. When I saw him that day, it felt different already. He was in a light-colored half-sleeve shirt and blue jeans. He reminded me of a famous actor. He in fact does resemble that actor a bit. I just wanted to give him a tight hug. His smile melts me every time. His smile always makes me smile even more. The warmth in his greeting, when he deliberately calls me "Babes", just to irritate me, makes me smile even more. It was the first time when he was sitting right opposite me. He was within my eye contact, but I got shy to look directly into his eyes. They looked tired but happy. I guess it is his smile that makes me fall for him all the time. His sweet cute dimples make me laugh. He was looking just perfect to me that day. And the time came when we had to travel by auto. Both of us were unaware of what was going to happen in that auto. After we sat and got comfortable in the auto, all such exciting thoughts of me holding his hand came into my mind. But, was scared of how it would end. We were in the auto, on the long flyover bridge, while enjoying the bridge and the city lights. This is it I thought. This was the moment! This is something that I had seen in movies. I just looked at him while he was looking out and enjoying the breeze too. His hands clasped and fingers interlocked loosely. I just pulled his hand and held it tight. He was all surprised. It was unbelievable for him (I guess). Just to avoid his expression, so that I don't get embarrassed, I just looked out while holding his huge manly soft hand with a smile on my face, but it ended up hardly for 15 seconds, because I freaked out, maybe? He said nothing and we changed the topic to make me feel less awkward. After a few minutes, I realized that I was missing his soft hand already. Probably I wanted it for real. Probably I was ready for it. And this time I just asked, "A last-minute holding of hands before we leave?" And he was ready at once. This time we clasped each other's hands. And I held it tight as if he was running away. But for his assurance, he just asked whether I was sure of this and I with a huge smile said "Yes". This time it was for about 2-3 minutes. I was enjoying and loved it. I didn't look at him directly or else I would have got all bad shitty thoughts of kissing him, as my adrenaline was just rushing and oxytocin was being released a full speed as if it is never going to happen ever. My pussy quivered a bit. It felt awesome. I felt home and warmth in his hand. The comfort. I wanted to just hold his hand and rest my head on his shoulder and enjoy the moment. I wanted to just hug him. I wanted to rest my head on his chest while holding his hand. I wanted to feel his warmth as a whole. I didn't want to kiss him at that moment at all. All I wanted was to rest my head on his shoulder while tightly holding his hand and both of us just enjoying the city lights. Well, one step at a time and was happy just holding his hand. I experienced it. For real!! People die to experience their first kiss, but for me, this was an upside-down moment. I just didn't wish to leave his hand. It is day 2 and I am already missing his hand. His warmth. Rather my home in him.

P.S.: I don't know whether we are going to end up together. Hence, will not mention his name. But my first experience was awesome. I would want him to read this, in fact, the whole world but, this is not the right time. If he is the one, if this is it, then I would want to show it to the whole world. My first experience. I want to just fix this memory in my brain even if he is not the one.