nakedanddismayed - Tumblr blog

[nakedanddismayed]

my therapist asked me how i practice self love when im around my family. and i said it feels good when i do the song and dance and they appreciate me.

my therapist said “sure, of course the rat keeps getting electrocuted. he gets the cheese, man!”

“it doesn’t sound like self love it sounds like a defense mechanism.”

she said it doesn’t even need to be the same every time, i can act according to the bandwidth i have that particular day. she says she will never ever take communion, but some days she will go into a church, and some days she will not.

[nakedanddismayed]

making 45 minute drives feel like 5.

soon we will commute together. i’ll know the names of the people you’re talking about. we’ll discuss in real time. we’ll do stage together. i’ll sleep in my own bed instead of your couch.

and we’ll do it all again the next weekend.

[nakedanddismayed]

buying a house in 2024 is not only possible but likely. im going to throw up.

[nakedanddismayed]

If I was a siren would you let me lure you to your watery demise, yes or no?

[nakedanddismayed]

at the beginning there was you.

and it was us.

two lost girls sharing an apartment on dumbarton.

me going through boys in droves, you with an abuser. neither of us happy.

starting camming together.

started dancing together.

i thanked you in my book about it.

you were in my life when i met S.

he killed our bugs for us.

there’s a video of him sitting next to me and we can hear you singing from your bedroom.

i send you that snapchat every year it pops up.

there have been times when you thanked old roommates in instagram stories. i’m always skipped.

i always thought it was to protect my privacy. the world knows you danced, and maybe if you posted about me, people would connect the dots.

but maybe that’s never been what it’s about.

i don’t know.

maybe you just didn’t care as much as i did.

my first girl friend in college.

i once wrote that we casually changed our lives together. because we did.

but in real terms, i took your hand and brought you with me.

i changed your life.

and maybe you resent me for that.

[nakedanddismayed]

she’s waving to a baby across a restaurant.

“i’m not having kids.” it’s good to say aloud, even to someone who probably knows already.

“that’s great! and if you or B ever need a little baby, you’ll have mine and MGs.”

it’s like she read my mind. i so want to be there for my friends’ children. and i love how she knows the desires of the whole friend group- and mentions them.

we spent the night prior scream singing and holding hands. i led her through crowds, i made sure she ate, and i spent way too much fucking money because concert venues are a scam. but it’s all easy.

glimpses of personal times with friends.

this will soon be the regular.

[nakedanddismayed]

i’ve always pictured us in a big house. not that we need it. but S mentions a townhome. and that could be so cute. we loved our last townhome that we just rented. but we could find one for forever. a second floor with a big window. a manageable yard. a garage. a place for a kitchen table.

[nakedanddismayed]

in elementary school we took a trip to the circus. my dad chaperoned. we did a 3 ring circus project where we had to draw something we saw in each of the rings. my rings had glitter on them. i remember thinking life is so easy right now.

my freshmen year of college my dad took me to the circus. he said the animals we are seeing perform wouldn’t perform for long.

[nakedanddismayed]

You can really tell when someone is in their body. The way they walk, like they feel every part of their body move. When they listen to music, they close their eyes. When they eat, they can barely talk because the tastes are stealing their focus. The connection to the senses is the greatest liberator, but I think so many things in every day life steal that from us. A lot of mental stress accumulates from a lack of this connection. Not that it’s the sole reason, but to find that connection at least gives you a fighting chance.

[nakedanddismayed]

when i was little i remember asking my mom who her best friend was, and she’d always say my dad

no, like- your best girl friend

“i dont need girl friends! i have your father!”

oh that will never be me. i love S, he is absolutely amazing.

but he will never fill the spots my girlfriends hold.

the 3 most perfect people. with whom i’ve laughed until i’ve cried, and cried until they’ve made me laugh. i am so grateful for this love.

[nakedanddismayed]

my dad’s dad is dying this week.

it’s complicated i’m sure.

but on the phone,

my dad changes the subject

he went fishing on vacation,

didn’t catch a thing.

“i can only catch well when nicole’s here”

and my mom,

“he really did keep saying that.”

it’s complicated i know.

[nakedanddismayed]

i gasp as bane’s water bowl is empty.

i fill it and say, “it’s time for the sacred water ceremony.”

S picks up the dog and brings her to the bowl,

“come on, this ceremony is very important to your mother”

he sets her down in front of the bowl. he and i are just standing staring at her, fists clenched. she’s just staring at us. not knowing what to do.

every few seconds one of us lets out a laugh. what are we doing? there’s an unspoken rule that we cannot move from our positions until the dog drinks.

S starts whisper chanting, “drink. drink. drink.” now in unison we are chanting while she just stares at us.

bane then eats her entire bowl of food while we continue staring and giggling. she eventually walks away and we start whispering, “no! the ceremony! the ceremony! you must drink!”

she makes her way back over and finally takes one lap of water. we quietly clap with 2 fingers as to not spook her. and we laugh as we finally leave our posts.

i cannot believe i get to spend the rest of my life with someone who shares the exact same dumbass humor.

[nakedanddismayed]

i’m sure every girl at my pole class would love to do it in front of a crowd. hell, they do it on show are nights. for $0.00. just to be watched. and i decline politely because every friday night, i get to be on that stage for real. being paid just for existing. crawling around to my favorite songs. god i love being a hot girl.

[nakedanddismayed]

me: i’ve never considered leaving this company once.

my company: hey if u want us to pay for this training you have to stay w the company for 12 months.

me: TWELVE MONTHS????? AAAAAHHHHH

[nakedanddismayed]

[nakedanddismayed]

the morning after a hard night

he holds my hand in bed

we get 8 hours while taking turns

putting the dog back to bed

when we finally rise he

holds my hand while we walk the dog

we take the bad of my night and

laugh it away.

those moments are so palpable.

it’s in the air when both people feel so

deeply and loudly in love.

we drive an hour and a half

for tacos and margs.

grocery shopping at the chain we

patronized in georgia.

at home he hands me the controller

to watch me play video games.

the days are easy.

even when nights are hard.

[nakedanddismayed]

after a shower soak, knees to my chest

the sleep number takes me down

hair half wet from a half assed dyson blow

my eyes are heavy

i just text my best friend while

my husband laughs online with his friends

i don’t want to explain the night to him.

the money? good.

the clientele? the worst i’ve ever seen.