nakedanddismayed

[nakedanddismayed]

manifestation. coffee. 2 chicken tacos and a nacho fry.

my regular shows up for the first time in months.

2a and i’m sitting at the lower end of my goal and something tells me to wait.

staring in the eyes of the competition that hates me, actively working against me.

profiting on their loss.

a 5.5k weekend.

my second to last at cheetah.

the same week i have bought a house.

it is such a great way to wrap up my life here.

i love when the universe makes herself clear.

[nakedanddismayed]

me fr

[nakedanddismayed]

i still look at the market every day. there still hasn’t been a single house that meets all of our needs other than the one we are under contract for. the universe has made herself quite clear and i thank her so deeply for that.

a place to escape during the holidays.

it’s just in time.

[nakedanddismayed]

13 days until close and i’m only panicking because i feel like i should. but i can’t wait to have a safe place to rest. a deck. a dining room table. a sectional. a fireplace.

[nakedanddismayed]

[nakedanddismayed]

there has been a lot of stress lately

we have been on different pages

and i know it’s because of this

but tonight i get done walking the dog,

“the stars are so clear tonight.”

“wait i want to see”

you come outside,

and point out constellations

i ask questions about the stars and planets

you have all the answers.

it is easy.

as it tends to be.

[nakedanddismayed]

october is usually my favorite month. but this year it was filled with high highs and low lows.

started the month off with my best friends having literally the best weekend ever.

finding out i had a parasite and getting it removed.

attending 2 weddings full of love & crying at both.

driving 4 weekends straight (4x to MD, 1x to VA) for a total of 64 hours in the car.

only being able to work twice the entire month.

finding our dream home.

and the inevitable panic even though i make more than enough to afford said dream home.

welcome, november- may you be neutral and kind.

i am so badly craving rest.

[nakedanddismayed]

when we were on our way to see the house for the first time, i got the gut feeling. the trees along route 70 were orange and red. i started crying.

“i can picture these trees barren. when we are done celebrating christmas and your birthday with family, we will be on this highway. heading home”

“baby we haven’t even seen the house yet.”

i just knew.

tomorrow the inspection is being done. i want this house so bad. i hope she’s in good condition. this house is so meant to be.

[nakedanddismayed]

4 hours into our drive to NC, Stick Season is on. Our realtor calls when he’s been texting us this whole time. Could it be bad news? But he doesn’t stall- our offer was accepted. We scream. And we cry. And we scream sing to the radio, tears running down our faces.

a forever home.

room for a dining room table.

[nakedanddismayed]

interest rates rose. not amazing but not impossible to handle. we are in MD. in 5 hours we could take steps for our future…

how amazing would it be to have a forever home by christmas.

[nakedanddismayed]

“To the future, whatever it is.”

we cheers champagne you got me for my birthday. deciding to drive 7 hours to tour our potential future home warrants it. we start another harry potter movie to keep with our fall weekly tradition. let’s see what the universe wants.

[nakedanddismayed]

the universe is loud. but it could mean anything.

yesterday i sent an email to our realtor: if this is still available in november and it gets low enough that we can afford a paint job, we’ll buy.

but today i’m texting my best friend about homes. i open it one more time just to look… and it has been painted. and the price is lowered once again.

i text S. i hear him run upstairs.

“should we buy this house?”

it does have everything we want. we call his stepdad and he’s on the phone with us for an hour. going over pros and cons. he’s excited for us. you can tell he’s fallen in love too.

it’s clear he doesn’t necessarily think we can afford it. not knowing we can put > 100 down.

but the conversation puts me at ease. maybe it’s possible.

we call our realtor. he’s out of town but can have someone meet us.

the fourth weekend in a row of road tripping 7 hours.

but we’re doing it.

could this be our future?

[nakedanddismayed]

we are celebrating our anniversary a week late because last week we were busy handling baby. we talk about our best and worst years together. and even the worst year was just a year of growing. we laugh a lot. we get free champagne. we talk about other couples we know, their strengths and weaknesses. ours as well.

8 years since we met. 7 years since we started dating. 5 years since we got married. 2 years since our ceremony. 7 days since we found out we were a family of 3. and today, a family of 2- drinking espresso martinis and laughing. it’s easy again.

[nakedanddismayed]

i’m in the anger phase ig

monday i planned on doing my work at my coffee shop with a croissant and psl but ended up driving 7 hours to get pills. just to be in pain for 72 hours with a seemingly failed evacuation and having to lose PTO and skip dancing for the second week in a row. idk it’s all so stupid. what are we doing.

but of course, imagine how pissed i’d be sacrificing for a whole ass child.

[nakedanddismayed]

i take a test as a formality. it’s 8a and the faint + sign appears. he is in the shower and i go in.

“ah.. i have bad news.”

“okay what do we need to do?”

“i’m going to make an appointment. we are still on the same page right?”

“absolutely.”

i walk the dog and you call me.

“i want to reassure you that you’re making the right decision.”

you pick up dunkin and we start the 3.5 hr drive. neither one of us are feeling particularly hungry. my emotions are ebbing and flowing. high highs and low lows. i know this would be even harder if we were on different pages. i’m just scared.

but everyone at our destination is so kind. and my 2 closest friends text me as soon as i arrive. i feel so supported. they take me back alone first to ensure im okay then they let him back and we learn about the process. i take the first medicine there and we get Caines while waiting for my prescription. We pick it up no problem and set back out to head home. we walk the dog together and spend the night talking in bed. tomorrow will be brutal, but worth it.

everything is going to be okay.

[nakedanddismayed]

it’s raining.

i’m walking the dog.

a woman with a stroller passes,

“babies and dogs. we are on their schedule.”

[nakedanddismayed]

work is complicated bc my first dance was with a freak who spent the entire time trying to violate my boundaries, but later i go up to do a throwaway side stage and a big group of guys all line up by 2s and hold their hands up to form a tunnel for me to go through as i get on. they ask what sport i played as a kid and i said volleyball so they played a couple rounds of air ball where they’d bump it up for me to set. all the while throwing more money than i made on main stage all night. it’s all so silly. both of these and all of the things and every night.