nakedanddismayed

[nakedanddismayed]

fire and ice festival. cheap italian breakfast. antiquing. feels like a first date. in a good way.

[nakedanddismayed]

I love it when dogs try to help but the task at hand requires zero dogs so they just kinda stand in front of you and look serious.

[nakedanddismayed]

talk is cheap.

and we did so much of it.

but here we are.

sipping wine and laughing after our fitness class.

watching my favorite show and

i’m watching you drink it in.

there were days i felt so alone- miles away

even if we talked every day.

but now here you are.

in my home.

and i know for sure

this is what life is all about.

tomorrow you’ll drive us to work

and next week we will do it

all over again.

we were never going to let it just be talk,

were we?

[nakedanddismayed]

does anyone know if we have Being Afraid tomorrow

[nakedanddismayed]

in:

movies

puzzles

fun workouts

2 stanleys of water / day

dressing up

stretching

out:

pushing my body past its limits

saying yes to everything

beer

background sound

[nakedanddismayed]

needing a can to drain grease is a great excuse to pour a pre made marg into a glass. soup is simmering in the kitchen and im in the sitting room. there’s a tv in here right now as the big couch and tv stand don’t come until friday. little by little this house is becoming home. it feels especially warm tonight.

[nakedanddismayed]

hey! take it easy soon, if you can. 

[nakedanddismayed]

today i put christmas decor away. i installed a shower filter. i went to the gym for an hour incline walk. i did good work and got a “that’s a perfect idea” message from my big boss. i took the dog on a long and chilly snowy walk. i got a massage. S had dinner ready when i got home. he poured me wine while we caught up on skeleton crew and finished the first season of ted lasso. it’s 9:45 but im in bed with an olipop about to read. the house is so warm. and perfect. i am so happy.

tomorrow is friday. i will restart my tradition of grabbing panera breakfast. ill take my long shower. i’ll go to work with my best friend. what is not to love.

[nakedanddismayed]

accidentally spending the whole day with my best friend as her roommate works on my car. we get starbucks and she runs my errands with me while we laugh and talk the whole time. she had a long night and has a long night ahead, but she has sacrificed for me. it feels so warm to be loved. i was so sure we’d be all talk- but here we are: 15 min neighbors and seeing each other multiple times a week. it’s my favorite thing in the world.

and at 8:30 mw comes over, and we catch up, getting distracted by the NYE concerts. talking about who we love and want to see. bullying the mUrDer on tHe dAnCe fLoor singer. seeing the venue we ate at during my bach party. s makes us dinner. he sets up a tray of crab dip and cuts up the bread i made. i make drinks. we pop champagne. we make a bingo chart side by side with what we expect to come.

it’s 2025.

i am home.

and it will be the best year yet.

[nakedanddismayed]

on the youngest sisters bed with the older sister. hiding from the extended family downstairs. propped up on our elbows. drunk. she confides in me, as i have in her. and in that moment i feel like a real big sister, not just an in law. and i listen and i laugh and i give advice the best i can. she says ill be in her wedding party and i have to look away. how incredibly kind.

the next morning, her mother:

“she talks about you all of the time. she loves when you guys have time together.”

[nakedanddismayed]

withering away into that angry little girl.

once again wondering

why i deserve to be treated like this.

[nakedanddismayed]

will i always be this angry?

[nakedanddismayed]

bought my first couch for my first house.

a gorgeous rust couch that i didn’t think i would be able to find. but there it was as soon as we walked into the store. i was so mesmerized by her. she is small but fits so perfectly in our little den.

our bear den. with the couch. sun rays through the wooden blinds. the warm feeling is coming back.

just in time.

[nakedanddismayed]

rainy day christmas shopping and chai with my best friend.

this is what life is all about.

[nakedanddismayed]

my brain is being just awful to me.

but luteal falling on a week with no furniture is to be expected.

and thank god i get to be with my best friend.

work is hard and slow but having someone to look to and laugh with? i’d take that over my fast club any day.

[nakedanddismayed]

the last time i lived in my home state, the relationships with all of my friends was different.

i was not as close with any of them as i am now

5 years alone makes you take stock

but now i’m back.

will the light go out?

will i be the one to instigate get togethers?

will things change?

too many unnecessary questions ig.

things will be different.

but why wouldn’t they be.

[nakedanddismayed]

Kat Kirilova