nadi3rps

[nadi3rps]

subject: charles melayu pt 3 (final)

11/10/24 0218 hrs

this will be the last time i will ever write about charles melayu.

why?

because i dont hold on to things that are not guaranteed, and also, as i have predicted in my earlier post about him, he is someone’s husband. and i respect other women too much that i know where to draw the line.

how do i know he is someone’s husband?

i stalked him.

how did i stalk him without knowing his name in the first place?

i know his name, and i did the research myself.

how did i know his name?

remember how i said there are 3 people that connected me to him? well, it just so happened that i accidentally know the full name of one of those 3 people. and if you have Teams app, you’d know you can check the whole organization chart of your teammates and to whom you are reporting. through that person’s name is how i found out charles melayu real name, and oh boy, his name is very arabic.

and how do i know he’s someone’s husband?

digital footprint. like any other normal people, he uses his real name; on linkedin, on twitter etc. i clicked on his twitter account (he used the same profile picture as his linkedin btw), his account is private but his account’s header picture is not. guess what is his header picture.

what is his header picture?

gambaq kahwin dia dgn wife dia, obviously. duh

when did i figure this all out?

two months ago, probably? it’s been a while.

umm is the eye contact thing is still on going?

unfortunately, yes. and it changes the way i feel about him. kinda disgusted that he did that. i avoided making eye contact with him now.

so, that’s it, final?

yes. fin.

[nadi3rps]

subject: charles melayu pt 2

7/6/24 0158 hrs

the first time i started noticing you was in january, now it’s june and i still find myself looking for your face in the crowd. up to this day, i still havent figured out your name. i now know 3 people from your department bcs the person i work with are friends of your friends. but those 3 people, i dont really have the chance to engage any conversation with them so that’s it i guess, thats the closest we can be, thats how much our life is overlapped, over that 3 friends, the bridge that connected me to you.

we made eye contact again last two days. i was in focus mode and the moment i looked up from the screen, there you were, popped out from nowhere. my heart soared. i remember counting how long we held the eye contact.

one…

two…

three…

three seconds and i remember i heard that one kodaline’s song in the background playing faintly as if we were in a music video.

“the crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name”

not sure why that particular line and particular song came to my mind bcs i dont really listen to kodaline these days but it did. it was super ironic bcs i dont even know your name haha

three seconds and then my eyes were back at my laptop’s screen. i looked away first bcs it felt like the longer you look at me the more you’ll uncover all my secrets, and i cant give you that power.

and that image of us, three seconds of staring into each others eyes etched in my mind until today but not in a romantic way. i just thought it must be nice to be able to experience love and be loved.

[nadi3rps]

subject: 90

5/2/24 2328 hrs

today marks the 90th days since i last saw you. i thought it’ll be hard for me to move on but surprisingly it just gets easier every single day. the first few weeks was the hardest.

not seeing you and refraining myself from talking to you helps, a lot. out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

i think i fall in love with the potential of you. and now when i dont see the potential anymore, i have a second thought on whether i really love you back then. maybe i just liked you intensely. it was never love to begin with.

ideally if it’s love, it was a skinny love, of which both parties unable to express feelings to each other due to shyness or fear of rejection from the other partner. ideally, that was what actually happened between us.

but i really doubt that. i dont think if a man is in love theyll keep it hidden. maybe it’s just a one sided thing. me, liking you more than a friend, and you, liking me not more than a friend. you never tell me and i dont know. i never ask you and i dont know.

to be frank i dont know how do i define love anymore. wanting and knowing what is the best for me, or wanting and knowing what is the best for the person you love?

sometimes, youre just convenient for me. and thats way too selfish to be called love.

but the fact that i let you go so that you can pursue whatever you want to pursue is me being selfless. is that love? i dont know honestly. but what i know is, if this is love then i love you enough to let you go.

we’re just on borrowed time. things come and go. nothing is permanent.

[nadi3rps]

subject: one day

21/1/24 0232 hrs

when i was still in the planning to move out, i fantasize a lot with the all the time i will have in my hands to indulge in new hobbies. i have a long ass list of things i would like to do to gain new skills.

but now after ive partially settled down at my new place, everything i have fantasized has become secondary. i might have unpacked everything but i still dont feel im fully settled down. because my mind is now occupied with house thingy like how do i figure out how to optimize space in every inch of this house, what else i can add or subtract to make it feel more homey, this and that. basically, to be creative in utilizing space effectively as i used to live in a thousand plus sqft house and now it shrunk to half of it.

i know it’s only been a week since ive moved in and i shouldnt put any pressure on myself but im super impatient and excited to start new projects. the other day, i overheard my friend said smth inspirational which is along the line of “dont wait for one day when you can choose to make today day one”.

the thing is, i wish today can be my day one but all the projects ive been wanting to start, need all the right tools to begin with and i dont yet acquire myself all those tools. i wont reveal what kind of projects i would like to start until i actually started doing it, but it surely involves money.

talking about money, lord, i think i have spent a good fortune in the process of moving out and moving in (more than i anticipated). i dont think im in a hot mess, money-wise (probably bcs i know i have safety net?) but i know i made a financial dent in this process. not rly a tiny dent but also not a big dent, id say it is a manageable-size dent. but regardless of the size of the dent, i think it’s important i try to fix that first before i move forward with anything else. priorities, priorities.

so yeah. i hope one day i can have my day one. may god ease.

[nadi3rps]

subject: charles melayu

20/1/24 1816 hrs

ive finished watching netflix series the brothers sun last weekend and i was really invested in the show. as im writing this, i still havent moved on from the show and i really hope they continue for a second season. the show is 5/5 easily and i liked charles the most out of all the characters in the show.

the week after, i went to the office and i just noticed a guy that’s perfectly resembles charles. i named him charles melayu. i dont think ive seen him around before. maybe because i rarely come into office these past few months or maybe because my wfo/wfh rotation is almost always changing or maybe because at other times i was invested in other guys that i dont see anyone else. whatever the reason is, it feels like i just uncovered a newly found treasure for my eyes to feast on.

hes from a different department. he’s tall, has just a nice shade of tanned skin, has beard, very melayu face and handsome. he walks in a slow and calm pace and has a good posture. we made eye contacts a few times and never once i seen him smile or hear his voice. and those eye contacts, oh god, it pierced right through my soul because he radiates this seriousness, mature vibes off of him (probably in his early thirties) and his face is like in a perpetual state of anger or deep thinking or smth. so it was very intense eye contacts, as if he is mad at me because i simply exist. his face is so straight it looks like he is not capable of feeling joy at all.

i remember having to hold myself back quite a few times from looking for his face because i dont want to make it seems obvious. it’s really easy to spot him in crowd. it’s like his soul illuminates in the sea of human. but it’s also because he is tall. even when he is sitting you can see his head poking out from a distance haha

and yes, this man is not my usual type so it’s very refreshing to discover this part of me. and also yes, it’s a short-time crush cos let’s be realistic, im not gonna be in office at least until a month later and he’s probably someone’s husband and feelings do change. so until then, im just gonna feel what i feel hehe

[nadi3rps]

subject: home

11/1/24 0546 hrs

the last night im here before im moving out for good. hopefully when ive settled down at my new place, i can say to people and most importantly, to myself that im home now.