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and so i shall continue my search for absolutely gut wrenching angst in aziracrow fanfictions. i am aware they have been through enough but it has not been enough in my eyes. i need to suffer with them as i have not suffered enough. you may ask whether i remember the end of season 2 and i do. i have entered stages of self hatred, fell into the deepest, darkest pits of depression and yet i feel the need to experience exactly this again. if it is possible: i long for aziracrow fanfiction to hurt me even more than the end of season 2 did.

but at the same time like i want a happy end gorl

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PHATTEST shoutout to @lichenes

bro just wanted a movie night and had to deal with me yapping about michael sheen for 1 hour and 40 minutes. AND THEY TOOK IT LIKE A CHAMP

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PHATTEST shoutout to @lichenes

bro just wanted a movie night and had to deal with me yapping about michael sheen for 1 hour and 40 minutes. AND THEY TOOK IT LIKE A CHAMP

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had a thought....... werewolf who is such a pathetic loser... absolutely sopping wet of a dog... bullied by his peers so he runs away and stubles upon you and you're like wow. damn. #needthat and he's all for it!! I'M SO WRITING THAT TBH....

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i am UNWELL, i need good aziracrow fanfiction RIGHT NEOWWWWWWW

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i barely got over trumps win and then the government of my own country decided to go through with the divorce 💀

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HELLO THERE, i want to write about my story real quick.

TW: developing an ED and going through all that. it gets depressing but i'm also talking about positive changes as well!

so i'm around 1,70 meters tall and when i started my diet i weighed around 68 kilos. people always told me i was chubby and that i needed to lose weight. something i just started to realize though: those were always people that didn't know me. they were never friends or family. they didn't care about me. they were strangers.

and it never really bothered me but after a while it really got to me. i started a crash diet around 2 years ago and i proceeded to lose 6 kilos in the span of a month. my initial goal weight was 64 kilos. but i continued to get compliments from everyone on my weight loss so i just continued to lose weight because those compliments felt so great.

once i hit below 60 kilos the compliments stopped, so i believed i needed to lose even more weight. loved ones now came up to me more frequently and told me that they're worried bc they could see me getting thinner and thinner and exercising like a maniac. i was so terrified of even gaining a few grams. i never wanted to hear those horrible comments about my body again. so whenever someone tried talking to me about it i got angry and defensive. the sick part of my brain told me they just want me to get fat or whatever so they can ridicule me again. i dealt with shortness of breath, constant exhaustion and heart palpitations to name a few of my symptoms. at times it got so bad i even thought i was about to die. i still couldn't recognise that i had a problem. i still thought that this is just how naturally thin people live. well they don't.

once i hit 54 kilos my mother talked to me. she told me that she would send me to a clinic if it didn't get better. i got angry again.

but then a friend of mine seeked out a conversation. she also has an ED and she has struggled for the last 10 years. she told me her perspective, she told me that i'm putting my body in a life threatening position. she really opened my eyes by also telling me what she went through and is still going through and i just related so much.

so i started recovery around 2 weeks ago, at that time i weighed 52 kilos. at first it was so challenging because i was dealing with extreme hunger. but i have been seeing changes! i don't feel the need to eat everything in the pantry anymore because i fear i will not allow myself to have something next time. i'm trying to achieve food freedom and i'm really hopeful for the future. i would be lying if i said that the ED part of my brain doesn't lead me to have horrible thoughts about myself from time to time. but i'm shutting those thoughts out as best i can. i am not my ED, i am not identified by my weight but by who i am inside.

all i want to say at the end: first of all thank you for reading if you did. and i cannot stress this enough but please think about what you say to people. those horrible comments i got about me having to lose weight is what started this all. i was a ghost of myself and i'm just now starting to get better.

remember: food is fuel, you don't need to do anything to deserve eating. i love you and please remember to eat regularly.

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another update

i did a 25 km bicycle tour in the morning and i still haven't eaten anything bc the thought of eating today makes me feel physically ill

i want to get better and it just... doesn't get any better

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i started eating and could not stop

i just continued eating and eating and now i feel like shit

i'm trying to recover and it's just one extreme into the other

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Image: Things I Care About Shop.

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TW EATING DISORDERS!!!!

so i'm just gonna keep posting on here about this bc tumblr is the platform where ppl know me the least.

yesterday and today i had binge eating attacks and i made myself throw up again. i felt so bad for eating this much and i just started crying so hard. idk what to do after i have these episodes. i already made the resolution not to eat anything for the rest of the day because i'm still so terrified of gaining weight.

i just want to write about this, tumblr is kinda like my diary here.

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MANIFEST

MANIFEST