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moment she texted me, my heart racing and my tummy hurt lol
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talking about marriage while you’re cheating is wild
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after talking about it with my friends, wow you are a liar and ur actions really sucked
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two years down the drain bc u were so horny and needed ur urges to be satisfied by other ppl behind my back lol
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i am soooooo saddddddddddddddddddd.
i misssssss and will miss angel so much :(
i would've liked to talk things out so we can figure things out together but she was so persistent in asking me if i wanted to break up but i wanted to make that decision together. and if that's how she was gonna act then, i thought maybe it would've been better just end things right then and there. i don't know. i wish we could just talk about harm and in which ways how we caused harm to each other and take accountability. and talk about other ways we can be in each others lives and ways we communicate. but i don't know.
and then i think about the times where i've felt hurt by her words and the way i've been spoken to.
but then i miss her. i miss being under a blanket together and holding each other close.
and idk. i feel horrible for not expressing my love enough. ugh.
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I will miss being your puppy and baby. I will miss being in your arms and you and mine. I will miss Waking up with you by my side. I will miss you.
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I am so sad. I have been missing you these past few weeks and now I’ll be missing you even more for such a long time. It’s hard because I’ve been feeling this way and I just knew that we wouldn’t last long term. It still hurts and I still care for you. And I know I can’t be in your life anymore.
But I have to remember the ways you’ve treated me and how unloved I felt. I wish we’d be friends instead.
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uighguadgnjhsdfnasjkfa i hate my dad s o much
such a horrible horrible horrible person
dexter, the dog that HE chose to get because he was jealous my mom got a cat, has become problematic and i've been the one the dog is attached to and i've basically been trying to train him. my dad basically just think he can drop off the dog to the original owners like nothing.
i say, "you should at least try training him. you're the one that got him." and he just laughs it off. and i tell him "this isn't funny like you're the one who should be responsible for him." and he says no and brushes it off.
like i think the root of my anger stems from the fact that he's allowed to fuck up and do whatever he wants with no real consequences. he beat almost all my family members, pets, and has cheated on my mom, drains her of her finances, and he gets to live such an easy life.
it's so frustrating.
i know if he were to die, i'd feel conflicted but maybe mostly relief.
idk, i just want him gone.
that one month without my parents was a relief. a weight off my shoulders. it definitely took more physical and financial effort, but the emotional relief felt. so. good.
i just need to keep working, sell art, and hopefully get out of here. hopefully.
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1. move out, live paycheck to paycheck, stress, work 2 jobs but be away from family
2. live with family, but have more financial freedom, less financial stress, be with pets
lol
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welp .-.
found my dad on grindr....again lol.
there's a lot of feelings. initially, i felt kinda indifferent? just bc it's the 3rd/4th time this has happened lol.
it sucks. on the surface, it's like what's the point of me saying anything if it just is going to be a cycle? bc my mom wants the illusion of peace. but then i know if i think deeper and analyze everything, i'll probably crumbe lol. so i don't want to delve into that now bc ahh. too much lol.
it's literally the same exact situation as last year.
i find out my dad is cheating AGAIN. i'm stuck between figuring out if i should say anything bc holidays are coming up and it's like....do i ruin the mood? but rationaly thinking, it's not me that's ruining anything. it's my dad being a peace of shit.
it's funny bc i see his amazon history and he literally just watches gay films lol. and i was thinking to myself, "you know i'd be more empathetic and understanding with my dad (bc he's bi and so am i lol) if he wasn't a piece of shit of a father. he was violent and abusive to everyone around me growing up. uses my mom. doesn't appreciate her. he's a piece of shit and idk if i want him dead but if he died i genuinely think i'd be happier lol. (or at least less stressed)
anyways i dont wanna think abouit it too much right now.
thinking about the things i plan to do/can control:
-talk to tristan lol
-call kaiser for a therapist asap
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whats the point of making a groupchat if no one is going to use it lol
everytime i send a message or ask something no one even responds or answers it
like when i mentioned the costumes and when i asked what time ppl were free and when i asked who wanted to go shopping ughhh, so annoying
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my old therapist was cool bc she was like hell ya fuck your dad he sucks! and yeah...just thinking about that
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also really?
do you really have to watch tv here?
i’m literally playing music and doing my homework because the fucking wifi doesn’t fucking work in my room.
you literally have a fucking tv in your room with working cable.
i hope you die. i fucking hate you and seriously wish you were dead you piece of shit.
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i love how my mom is judging my uncle for going out when we’re in a pandemic but she has to lie and make excuses about my dad going to a baby shower lol
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