mytruelessphilosophy

[mytruelessphilosophy]

First thought

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No one will ever help me or be interested in me because I have no meaning, I am not interesting and people do not know the real me and prefer to think that I am nothing. When I was little I was labeled as fat and repulsive, when I got rid of that obesity I could finally shine, but it was not like that, I isolated myself to maintain that self that finally felt valuable, because I had attention from people, I did what I liked and I was happy because finally it was about her and the rest did not matter, I had found my place. It did not last long because if not I would be dead right now. I am grateful to be better now but after all I am still invisible. Well really I am, I am not valuable in any sense after all. It does not matter we will all die one day but, how is it possible to die with this feeling of worthlessness? Should I be valuable again because of the danger to my life? Or should I pretend to improve? I thought that “improve” was a word for weak people and I always thought that I was strong because then I shouldn’t ask for help and not even doubt or learn because I am the one who has to know everything and not learn based on something, I was always alone in life, my parents worked and I had to get good grades to make them proud and happy, it’s not that they told me that but my mind of enlightenment said it. It’s also not that I could shine or be valued for anything else because athletically I was and I think I continue to be pure shit, socially I think it’s not necessary to say it and, aesthetically? What a bad subject to deal with. Perfection has been a hobby that I have loved but I have never reached it. Maybe it’s not real but self-criticism and self-demand are. What a bad habit that is. I know I’m not well and it’s probably noticeable, I want to become something that I’m proud of, but, really, will someone bother to tell me something? Help? I don’t think so because I don’t even understand myself. I think about everything I've written and it makes me sad to think like this, life is 2 days and you have to live it, but how do you live life? Why have I been in a constant blockage all my life? Damn, what nonsense all this is, maybe I should sleep so I can forget all this and continue with the same old thing, over and over again. I don't want to be like this. I don't know if this is my true identity. I've been changing my personality and now I don't know what to do. Am I shy? Or am I extroverted? Are labels about someone's personality correct? I have to stop thinking and just act. I will act but I won't believe in myself. That's not done like that. I have to start believing in myself. I don't know how because I've never done it and no one has done it, well, they have but every time they do it I destroy it: "you're very smart Carmen you have a lot of potential" they said. How many times have I heard that and how many times have I said no not only with words but with exams. I may not do well on exams or anything related to studies because confidence also plays a part. I want to find myself and get out of my constant blockage, I really do. Being strong also means accepting your mistakes and seeking help, being ashamed of yourself and your ideas and correcting them if necessary. Yes, that is the meaning of Strong, facing reality and destroying the lie you have always lived. Oh fuck, whoever helps me with this should go straight to heaven or have their mortgage paid off in one go. What a boring text if I think about it. Even though how crude and insensitive it is reflects quite a bit of what I want to convey.

Thanks bye