mythoughtoasis

[mythoughtoasis]

[mythoughtoasis]

@ninotbh

[mythoughtoasis]

“Create a life that feels good on the inside. Not one that just looks good on the outside.”

— Jordan Llamas

[mythoughtoasis]

Nostalgia

March 27, 2023 12:46 am

We celebrated Lali and kuya Martin’s birthday on Sunday, and I suggested ihaw ihaw so that we can spend time together at the bakuran just like at the start of the pandemic (and last year as well).

Last year, we would randomly decide to grill at the backyard, pick indian mangoes from our tree, and eat lunch together at the “kubo”. It was such a fun time. I’d be playing music, and Lalu, Layne, and I (sometimes Jen and mama and ate Luz) would all be there just spending time together. We even did it last year to celebrate Lali’s birthday early and lola Tes and lola Cecil even came.

This was pretty last minute, but we were still able to have inihaw na liempo this year. Only, ate Luz is no longer around because she’s working as a maid in Imus, there were no more mangoes to pick, Jen and kuya were going to Las Pinas, and Layne didn’t want to come with us. So it was just Lalu, Lali and I, and Lali even left lols. Lalu and I even talked about how boring it was unlike before, and it made me sad. I’m a sentimental person and I always want to look back at the fun times I’ve had with the people I care about. It’s sad that we  no longer get to spend time together like before. Now more than ever, we should be cherishing our times with Lalu and Lali. I was looking at our pictures, and Lalu was so much more full and youthful in her 50th birthday. That was only 10 years ago, and so much has changed already. I wish to slow down the clock and while that is not possible, it’s possible to cherish what we have now. I started reading a book called Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, and I have learned so much from it already. I wish to be a better person, and I need to start today. 

Enough about all my sentimental thinking - I can’t help but go back to having all the time in the world during the pandemic, at least I made the most out of it with my family. Speaking of, we didn’t get to eat at the kubo because mama wanted to eat upstairs and rest, so after lunch, I asked Layne to come to Eazyshop with me so that we can buy balloons and also buy cakes for Lali and kuya Martin. It was so hot today, so it was a quick trip. We decorated and rested and waited for kuya Martin who brought Bebop, Helmut, Huey, Angel, and Poochie. We sang happy  birthday and gave Lali our gift (3 Urban Hue perfumes) then watched volleyball (both PLDT and Creamline lost though). Tomorrow’s Monday again and I just wanted to share that Monday will mean so much in the months to come.

Gill spent his last day at the office on Friday (our RTO) which means ms Riza will officially take over BD US. It’s so sad. First of, to see Gill go because we were only starting to be friends, but also because I don’t want ms Riza to leave our team. She’s a people person, and she’s so much more approachable than kuya Nige... I’m so sad. I also didn’t even join Gill’s last “despidida” but he did reach for a hug before saying goodbye for the last time. I really hope ms Riza comes back to our team. We’re already lacking manpower tapos aalis pa sya </3 ewan ko na huhu I’ll be expected to step up too, paano kung ayaw ko? 

[mythoughtoasis]

March 23, 2023 1:36 am

Just figured I should write here because I haven’t stayed true to my goal of journaling more once I got my own laptop.

So much has been happening with work. We haven’t started quarter end and yet, I’ve been so stressed and busy. With life, the tiny bump on my armpit went away as well as the wound/pimple on my chest, though it did leave a scar which I hate. But it’s a good reminder for me not to overthink things like what Carlos would always remind me.

Today, La Salle beat NU in straight sets after not being able to win even one set against them since last season. It pretty much made my day. Aside from the fact that it’s Cavite day - no work for mama so she brought home the special bibingka from Rosario <3 my sunshine was dampened because of work, but ganon talaga siguro. Also, bakit di pala feel yung 5k appraisal? Parang wala lang lols. I need money. Apart from this laptop, I also bought an external harddrive which I haven’t even used, and it was 4k for 2 TB! I really need to stop being so impulsive hay. I also still need to pay for the harddrive monthly through SPay. Hay ewan. That’s all. Goodnight, I need to rest. I have a training and a meeting tomorrow and we have to go to the office on Friday!

[mythoughtoasis]

New beginnings

March 6, 2023 12:38 am

I’m actually exaggerating when I say new beginnings. I just got a new laptop - finally after 11 years lol. Updates, updates...

Well, I just got promoted as a Specialist at work last February 24, and I also got my appraisal last March 2 (with my promotion and all things included, I got a 5000-peso raise which makes my salary 35,900). It’s a 16% raise, though I’m not sure if it’s a lot at all because Layne got 20% I think - hers is at around 25,000+ as a director though she doesn’t pay taxes. I think she deserves more though for what she’s doing for her work.

Anyway. I ordered this laptop - an MSI laptop that looks almost identical to the one we own - because it was on sale for 40,000 last 3.3 and the original price was 43,000. I ordered it because I couldn’t travel and I couldn’t do trainings and meetings at work because Layne uses the family laptop. She’s planning on buying her own in June, by the way. And a little backstory, I was saving up for a laptop in June too, but when this chance presented itself, I grabbed it. My original goal was to get a Acer Swift 3 for 30,000. Instead Layne and kuya coerced me to get the MSI instead since this is a sturdy laptop we’ve owned and used for years. I’m certain I could get it for much cheaper, but I was set on it and Mama and Layne told me to buy it straight instead of installment because sayang pera. With the sale, I really got this core i5 16 gb ram, 512 gb memory for just 39,000 flat and it arrived less than 48 hours after with a free bag, MSI tumbler, MSI mouse and mousepad, and a Zeus gaming keyboard and another mouse. Super sulit! I also bought a 2 TB hard drive today because I could pay it in 3 months with 0% installment and I really wanted a hard drive for all of my memories. So yeah. My savings are dwindling and I bought more unnecessary things, but this is life and I’ll earn the money I guess. Speaking of...

More movement at work. Gill is leaving and BD US International needs a new team lead and they took ms Riza, so I’m stuck with kuya Nigel as our main team lead and I have 100% confidence that he can do it BUT... he’s expecting me to step up big time and be a leader as well, which isn’t really fair on my part, but we have to keep things moving. Hay. I’m sad to lose contact with ms Riza because I truly appreciate her plus kuya Nigel is always all work. Hay nako. I’m trusting the Lord to guide me in this.

Also, Carlos and I fought last Sunday and he hasn’t messaged me at all until today. What a douche. He didn’t even say sorry and started accusing me of talking to other guys when he’s the one who’s suddenly in Baguio with Aaron. Kainis. I still need to fold my clothes and I’m still fuming over Carlos. I’ll write again soon.

[mythoughtoasis]

2022 wrap up

12/31/2022 12:46 pm

So many things happened this year. Work-wise, I've grown so much and yet I feel like I'm not doing enough. With life in general, I still feel like I'm floating - not sure where I'm at, and not sure where I'm headed. I'm turning 28 next year and I'm still like this. Is there hope for me? The only good thing about life are my dogs and how Maybe is progressing. At least she's finding herself. She's got into reading and has read over 70 books this year! (She started with CoHo's Heart Bones), she got promoted as a director, she's getting physically fit which helped her become more confident in her body that she's starting to post on Instagram again. I'm happy for her. She even got an iPhone 14 Pro this year! I'm hoping 2023 will be better for me because I can't share much about 2022. I got Rookie of the Year at our BD-MD-LC year-end party and I bought my 13 Pro early February this year, but that's it. I need to save so much more this yeear, and spend less less less. But really, I just want to be happy.

[mythoughtoasis]

i only understand like 9% of life

[mythoughtoasis]

April 14 2021 1:11 am

Wow, I am back to that sad girl who felt so alone. But now, I have gotten better at masking it. I still hang out with my family, but at night, in my room, I'm her again. Shattered. Broken. Why? I don't do anything and yet I'm just so exhausted. To add to that, my teeth is deteriorating along with my spirit. I hate using harsh words, I even deleted one post that I can't even remember I posted because I wrote PI in it. But that's how I'm feeling right now. Help me, Lord.

01/11/20 9:57 pm

decided to use tumblr again and stumbled upon my secret tumblr account i previously named "shatteredthoughtsandbrokenspirit" and tried to change it to my account on instagram called "thoughtoasis" but it was already taken. anyway, i remember that specific moment in my life. the time when all of my family members would hang out together and i would lock myself in my room. sometimes i still feel that way, but then again, my family is all i have. it's better when we all get along. i missed out on so much. i stopped writing here when i started volunteering at church for sunday school, the kids there made me a happier and better person. i still get sad, but they truly are my saving grace.

[mythoughtoasis]

my soul feels sick and i wish i knew what to do

[mythoughtoasis]

July 7, 2020 1:31 AM

Quarantine update.

I have been stuck at home since March 17. I went out once in March to get my salary - I walked to and from BPI Noveleta. Aside from that, I'm just here... Buying books, eating, watching shows, and spending time with family. My most favorite thing about quarantine is that I am now able to spend soooo much time with my sister and Lalu. They have brought so much joy in my life. Same with our dogs. We got Kobi a few days before the ECQ started, and I still remember leaving work early because I so badly wanted to be with our new dog. Kobi appeared at the right moment.

With my family, I honestly love waking up in the morning and eating breakfast with Layne and Lalu. When our house was being treated for termites, Layne, Lalu, and I slept at the sala for almost a month, and we would just watch Tasty episodes on Youtube and family channels like Jesssfam, Five Two Love, 8 Passengers, ItsJudysLife. When even binged on Niki and Gabi, Bretman Rock, Jacy and Kacy... Those were my favorite moments of the quarantine - spending endless nights laughing and eating with my grandma and sister. I remember us not wanting to move to our own rooms that we extended our stay one more night 😊 Then we would decide what to eat for breakfast, and we would stay at the dining area for hours, sometimes playing our Kalimbas. We would also stay at the kubo during mornings and afternoons and harvest fruits like artilis, mangga, and santol. The world is a scary place right now. If I could, I would stop my mama and all my family from leaving the house to work, but life has to move and we all have to adjust to this new normal.

Two nights ago, on a Friday, by the way, my college friends and I went on a video call for 5 HOURS. We just talked and laughed the whole time, catching up on each other's lives. Cla now has a boyfriend. Ate Olga is talking to a guy. My friends are all thriving, and even though I am at my lowest, I'm still so proud and happy for them. I am so blessed to have these people in my life.

Life is not good money wise, but my family and friends maken it all worth it. There's still a lot of things to look forward to. ♥️

[mythoughtoasis]

MAY 29, 2020 - 12:26 pm

Today marks the day that I found out that I now have stretch marks around my belly button - IN THE MIDDLE OF MY STOMACH... AT 25 YEARS OLD AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BABY YET. I want to cry. I hate myself for letting go and not caring about my body that I now have come to this. I hate that there is no turning back now because they're marks that will forever stay on my skin. How can I love something that only happened because I was so careless with my body? I hate myself. I have no one to talk to, and frankly, nobody cares about how I feel. Not even my own boyfriend. This is my life now. 25 and jobless AGAIN, broke from constantly buying books, termites are now in my room again, I am fat and I have stretch marks on my stomach and legs and butts and boobs. My body is permanently marked. I wouldn't have minded much if it was from giving birth, but to get it from eating so much??? Even if I diet and exercise, it would only get worse from here. I don't know where I am or where I'm gonna go from here. Coronavirus has ruined my life. From weekends off with a great paying job and getting home at 4 pm and being able to buy anything that I want to this depressed and fat and broke girl who has no clue how to move forward from my mess. I AM CLUELESS. I have no job and I am getting OLD. I smile and laugh and talk, but on the inside, I HATE MYSELF - SO MUCH. How? I was happy and contented already, and now I am falling apart.

[mythoughtoasis]

Today is April 7, 2020

Just wanted to talk about my day yesterday, and also give a little update of what's currently happening to the world... There is this pandemic called Covid or the Corona Virus which infiltrated the entire world, and basically put everything to a stop. Haven't attended work since March 17 as our cities are on enhanced community quarantine, and only Mama and Jenny are working everyday since they work at a bank. Well, my papa still works for ORs and ERs, as well as some of my other relatives. My auntie and kuya Fherdz are both tested positive for Covid, and I am praying that they could both get through it... The number of deaths is very alarming, especially in the US where they sometimes reach 1,200 deaths in just one day. In the Philippines, the number of deaths twiced the number of recoveries already, and I am just praying again and again for no one to be infected anymore, ESPECIALLY anyone close to me. It's so hard to stay positive. Most nights, I lay in bed scared. Quarantine was supposed to last until April 12, but there was a press con last night and Duterte that there is a high chance for it to be extended until the 30th of April, so 100% I'll be spending my birthday at home. I miss my coworkers, I miss working (wow), and I miss earning money. Ugh. Stuck at home=no income.

But I wanted to write because I had a good day yesterday. It was a Monday, and I took a bath earlier than usual. For the first time since quarantine, I took the time to put on my daily make up for work, and even straightened my hair a bit. I felt cute. I was semi productive, I even uploaded long overdue photos on Facebook. Then before mama came home at 4 pm, I have already made banana cues with the bananas taken from our banana tree. The entire afternoon, I sang old school songs with Layne and Lalu at the dining room table (we usually stay at the air conditioned sala and watch movies), but yesterday I felt like staying there with them. So we sang our hearts out, even Lalu, and Layne made burgers and fries for dinner. I hit a rough patch with Carlos and wanted to break up with him, also. I blocked him and he didn't even try to text or Viber me for THREE DAYS. He even openly flirted with his coworker on his public post of facebook. I had to text him before he noticed. I was so fed up. We're not 100 percent okay, but I forgave him and we are talking again. Am I stupid? Maybe. Thought to share that here so that I will remember it forever. But still, aside from that, I feel blessed today. I loved today. Thank You, Lord!

[mythoughtoasis]

I think it's so important to let your emotions out and write about how you feel. It's only now that I realised that I liked looking back on who I was in the past and how broken or happy I was. Right now, I don't know where I'm going in life. I work a job that I don't particularly love with people that I can live without - it's not that I hate them, it's just that I feel like we're all going around pretending to like each other, when in reality, we're all just acquaintances. I like my job because I get to go him early, have my weekends off, and I get paid good money, but it makes me wonder... Is this how growing up feels like? Compromising yourself? I'm sad that I cannot make my parents proud because I only work at a "call center", but this is who I am now. I was never particularly good at anyhing, and maybe it was about time that I accept that. We never know what the future holds, so I gotta take it day by day. In a sense, I'm still happy with my life. I have a family that I love and I have a job and I have my pets and our students at sunday school and I still do have some friends... Maybe it's just true that we ALWAYS want what we can't have. I'm learning to appreciate the now.

[mythoughtoasis]

01/11/20 9:57 pm

decided to use tumblr again and stumbled upon my secret tumblr account i previously named "shatteredthoughtsandbrokenspirit" and tried to change it to my account on instagram called "thoughtoasis" but it was already taken. anyway, i remember that specific moment in my life. the time when all of my family members would hang out together and i would lock myself in my room. sometimes i still feel that way, but then again, my family is all i have. it's better when we all get along. i missed out on so much. i stopped writing here when i started volunteering at church for sunday school, the kids there made me a happier and better person. i still get sad, but they truly are my saving grace.

[mythoughtoasis]

As expected...

09/03/16 1:08 AM

You have your family. You have your friends. You have your boyfriend. And yet, you have no one to talk to. I have never been one to share my feelings to other people. When I started dating my boyfriend, I thought, maybe I could finally have someone to vent to because he’s just like my other half. I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else. I share with him how I really feel (something that I never do), but right now, I realize that I can only rely on myself. And it’s just breaking my heart. I don’t have anyone. There’s 7 billion people on Earth, and I am still so alone. Still so lost. Still crying myself to sleep.

I shared with my boyfriend last night that I just wanted to go away and come back when I feel better. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t understand. I hate him sometimes, to be honest. I just want someone to understand me. Not someone to dictate me and show me how wrong I am. I already get that from the people around me. I don’t need it from him.

Last night, I thought of killing myself. Not really a deep thought. I was just thinking about how no one would really feel too sad if I died, except for my dog (who was the reason why I stopped thinking about death). Everyone will just move on with their lives, and I couldn’t even blame them, because I’m just good at pushing people away and being alone.

Am I depressed? I don’t even know. I just know that I have no one and I’m so lost and I have no clue on how to move forward with my life…

Anyway, the title was called as expected because my boyfriend and I fought, and I was absolutely mad at him for always judging me and telling what to do, instead of just being there for me FOR ONCE. And I couldn’t help it, I just broke down. Because I JUST DON’T HAVE ANYONE. And our call ended, and I didn’t call him back anymore. I was hoping he’d borrow his mom’s phone or send me a chat on Facebook, but I EXPECTED him not too. And I was right. As expected, I’m alone.

[mythoughtoasis]

i don't know what to write so i'll just say what's on my mind

08/18/16 12:24 am it’s at this time of hour when thoughts start pouring into my mind. thoughts of sadness and worthlessness and doubts start bombarding my happy-during-the-day mind. i felt the change, the shift from once being a problem-free girl who is so innocent and naive to someone who feels as if she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. you see the world, really see it for what it is, and it changes you. i started to stay in my room more, i found it more and more difficult to connect to people, i started letting myself get stuck into my own little world of sadness. nothing’s wrong, but nothing’s right. i got sick of pleasing people and trying to connect with people when i realized that no matter how hard i try, no one will understand me and no one will love me as much as i love them. it got tiring and it got frustrating that i just stopped trying. where do i go from here? how can start anew when i just don’t feel like it anymore? how can i gain back the friends and the light that i have lost? why did i let myself come to this? and why did it take me so long to realize all of this? at what point did i lose myself? i really don’t know. and no one will ever understand because no one cares and i am too closed off to ever be freed again.