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mystorymyjourneymybody-blog · 7 years ago

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My name is Jamie and I’m on a journey. A journey to find the me that has been hidden for so long… most of my life in fact. I should have started this a while ago, but I wasn’t confident enough that I would get to where I am today, so here I am and ready to share my story.

As a baby, a toddler and a kid, I was underweight. I had to go to the doctor weekly to be weighed. Things changed once I started school, and it changed quickly! By the end of kindergarten I was overweight. I remember seeing and feeling the difference, and I didn’t know how it happened… it happened extremely fast.

I remember making a friend in my kindergarten class named David. We played together everyday. In first grade we were in different classes. I remember going to an assembly and seeing David for the first time in first grade and being ashamed of getting bigger since I last saw him and sucking my stomache in for the entire assembly as I got to sit with him. Although I was ashamed of my weight gain, I didn’t know how to fix it. This continued throughout my school career.

By the time I reached 6th grade (middle school) I was wearing men’s XL shirts. Nobody ever saw my body under my clothes up until this point in my life, and now I had gym class with a locker room and swimming class in a Speedo. I was terrified as I was the biggest kid in my class. I was so self conscious, embarrassed and ashamed of my body so I skipped these activities as much as possible by faking being sick. The school was starting to catch on to the pattern, but I swore I was really sick. Turns out I actually developed severe allergies at this time… but that’s not why I was missing school. I had missed well over 60 days of school in sixth grade. I still didn’t know how to fix my problem and looking back now I realize this is when depression crept into my life. School now had a new theory as to what was wrong with me. My father was never in my life… that’s what they thought the problem was, so I was required to go to counseling for it. Every week I had to go to a therapy group for children who’s parents got divorced. It was pretty lame since the group really didn’t apply to me since my father was never in my life. I can’t say that not having my father in my life hasn’t bothered me. He lives 30 minutes away from me and hasn’t made an attempt to meet me in 37 years. For the past few years we have been Facebook friends. I’ve made two attempts to message him in hopes of meeting but it’s gone nowhere… just false hope. He doesn’t like or comment on anything I post… he’s basically just observing my life from a distance. I’ve come to terms that it’s for the best, but it still hurts… mostly because he has three other children he raised and as adults still live at home with him. As a father of three kids, I can’t imagine not wanting to know one of my children. Perhaps this has been a part of my depression I have not come to terms with.

Somehow I managed to just barely pass sixth grade and move on to seventh grade. Another year and more pounds packed on. I was still missing an excessive amount of school which continued until high school. My weight kept me from having friends and being social in school. I didn’t play sports, didn’t attend dances and school activities. I had a few good friends and tried my best just not to be noticed by everyone else.

By high school I was just doing what I had to do to finish and move on with my life. I was now up to men’s size 2X and could barely fit in a school desk. I had maybe 4-5 friends in high school. I still didn’t attend school functions. To my surprise I was asked by a girl to homecoming in 10th grade… a skinny girl at that. My friends were going and I wanted to go, but I just couldn’t. Once again, my weight was stopping me. Once again I played sick. I’m sure I crushed my date. By the 11th grade I was working full time and opted to drop out of school and be done with the stress. I didn’t want the embarrassment of senior activities like prom and graduation. I immediately found an independent study alternative school for adults to go back to school which I attended and graduated in just a few weeks with the best grades I’ve ever gotten, straight A’s!

I was happy to be done school and working. I now felt like my weight didn’t matter. I worked in call centers starting at 17. I quickly made friends at work and thought everything was better now, but it wasn’t. Underneath it all I was still depressed and eating my emotions more than ever. By the time I was 23 I weighed in at over 350 lbs.

One day at work a co-worker was reading a book and I asked what it was. It was a book on the Atkins diet. I asked her if I could read it when she finished. Up until this time I have tried to guess on how to eat better, but never successfully lost weight. I was very intrigued by this Atkins diet book I was reading and thought I would give it a shot. My co-worker and I started the diet and to my amazement I lost 25 lbs in the first month.

Month after month, I continued to lose. I was so hyped! After just three months I felt confident enough to do something I’ve never done before, dating! This diet was going to save my life! I stuck to it for the most part of more than two years. I managed to lose 113 lbs. I had gained self confidence, but mentally I hadn’t changed. I had lose skin and I still wasn’t comfortable with my body and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Over these two years, I developed a new way of eating. Until recently I didn’t know there was a name for it. I was binge eating. I severely restricted my diet and when it got to be too much, I cheated. Not just one meal, snack or dessert… I would eat everything (way too much of everything) I missed and caved for a day, days or weeks and then go back to my restrictive diet. I would keep feeding my mouth even though I wasn’t hungry and I just couldn’t stop. It tasted and felt so good… until I would see the weight gain and I would become depressed and upset with myself.

I didn’t let this stop me. I still managed to fit in a men’s large shirt and 34"-36" jeans. I felt I was confident enough for another life change. I went back to school when I was 25. For two years I went to school full time and worked full time. My confidence allowed me to immediately make friends in school and I felt like I fit in. When it came to group assignments, everyone wanted to work with me. I excelled and maintained a 4.0 GPA. My goal was not to repeat my mistakes I made in middle/high school. I wanted the perfect attendance award. Unfortunately my grandmother passed away during this time and I had to miss 2 days. I still graduated at 27 with attendance honors, 4.0 GPA and several certifications. However, with little time to focus on diet and excersize, I was back up to 270 lbs when I graduated. Somehow I still felt fairly confident and felt better not having lose skin. I figured I was Ok with this weight. I was back up to 2X shirts and 38" waist.

While I was going to school, I made a career change into outside sales. I excelled in this position and although I was on my feet for much of the day, I continued to gain. I was eating out for breakfast and lunch almost every day. I made a few attempts to restart the diet I deserted, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

At 30, my life was changing… I became a father! I knew I had to make a change and once again tried to lose weight, only to fall off within a few months. Two years later I tried again, lasting only maybe a month. I was up to about 320-330 lbs.

By about the time of my 10 year initial weight loss anniversary of losing 113 lbs, I managed to gain back every single pound. I weighed in at 353 lbs. I HAD FAILED!

After talking with a new friend who had been through similar success with excessive weightloss and gaining back and comparing pictures and stories, I felt motivated again. We talked about doing it together. I really wanted a partner in this journey, as I had in the past with my co-worker the first time. I started, but he didn’t. I was still determined to do it this time! I was depressed, had high blood pressure, swelling and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. To my surprise, a few months later he joined me on this journey. It really helps to have someone who understands and can relate to the struggles and share your victories with!

I started September 26, 2016 at 343 lbs. As of today, June 28th 2017 (9 months later) I am 265.5 lbs (-78 lbs). I still battle some depression, anxiety, binging and unhealthy habits, but I am determined to continue to fight this battle and be here as long as I can be for my children. Every day will be a struggle. I will make mistakes, I will slip, I may fail… but I’m determined to get back up and keep trying!

Going forward, I will track my progress here, provide updates, share pictures, share recipies, talk about my struggles, etc.

#weightloss #lowcarb #atkins #depression #keto #obese #diet

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