mysticthingtrashpeanut

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

Always You

Simultaneously fascinating and frustrating I’m awestruck and aggravated It’s incredible and invigorating While maddening and manipulating You’re everything I ever wanted And everything I need to run from The answer to all my questions But creating more, and then some Whenever I let go, there you are again A lover a leaver a wisher and dreamer A doer and don'ter a willer a won'ter But forever and always my best friend

-Briana Eve

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

The only soul with whom i’d connected within all those years of captivity.

-allisineffable

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

I like messy people; people who don't fit in a box or stay between the lines, but whose integrity is greater than any rule book and whose loyalty is stronger than blood.

Jim Wern

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

I went to war for people who wouldn't even lace up their boots for me. Don't talk to me about loyalty.

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

you gave me a sense of comfort in the uncertainty

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

you’re unsure how he can look at you like this and not feel the same as you.

bodies bare, clothes scattered around his bedroom. lips plump and dry from being kissed so many times. you both lay on top of the covers, wrapped so tight in each others arms, his fingers always sneaking to link with yours. you keep your head on his bicep, the perfect spot to stare up into his eyes and guess what he’s thinking.

or really to wonder how he can stare at you with his thick stone walls down, his lips slightly parted like he will duck down for a kiss at any time, his eyes slightly drooped from his orgasm a few minutes ago. his arms are looped around your back, pressing you with no air between and you wonder perhaps the reason you’re overanalysing everything is to commit it all to memory. soon enough you’re going to be in the uber back to your home and he’s not going to be yours again. just a contact in your phone that maybe you text a little too much and although you’ve been seeing this man for months, you’re still unsure what he wants. and you’re too scared to ask incase it’s not what you want to hear.

he presses a kiss to your cheek, it’s so innocent it makes you laugh so he presses another, then another just so you get louder and as he pulls away you first think why, why why don’t you want me? how can you do this and not want me? then you wonder if he’s kissed all the makeup off your face.

a thick finger traces your spine as he lays on his back, bringing your body with his like there’s no choice that if he’s moving, you are too. another comfortable position, your thigh across his legs, a perfect position for you to sink your teeth into his pecs. he begins to talk about himself. often, you both drift to childhood. wonder if you’d be friends, in the same classes. if you can still see you at fifteen inside you now and staring at him, you know your answer is yes. the deep longing, yearning to be liked by a pretty boy still burns inside you now, in fact you think you hear her scratching the walls for you to beg him to tell you everything he has ever thought of you. but you don’t since you’re older now. you just nod and reply how you miss her.

you share a tidbit about your family, a follow up part from what you told him about through text. your father randomly bought cats and he asks why don’t you go visit them. he stares at your lips when he asks before flicking up to your eyes to read your expression. there’s still a few things he doesn’t know about you which is okay. you’d let him in if he let you. you know later your friend will tell you how can you share your body with somebody and be to scared to share your mind but she doesn’t get it and it feels like you’re the only person to go through this age old, what are we? do you want something serious? i think i like you more than you like me.

it’s time to go home because he has work early tomorrow and then some athletic class in the evening. it reminds you that you need to keep busy too, because clearly he doesn’t spend every waking hour thinking about you like you do about him. you’re pulling your clothes back on, thinking about getting into crochet while he lays in bed and stares at the bending of your limbs. you catch him and frown, so he says you’re beautiful. truthfully you believe him, in some capacity you know he thinks you’re not ugly. or maybe that’s stupid, you know he thinks you’re pretty. but you can’t accept it wholly because if he thinks you’re oh so beautiful, staring like you’re a piece of art, why doesn’t he want you? why isn’t he begging you keep you in his bed, willing to be late tomorrow because even though you wake up on time, you spent way too long kissing?

so you just shake your head, foregoing a thank you to scan the way he shifts around to pull on his underwear. he doesn’t ask why you stare, it feels as if he always knows what you’re thinking but he never mentions it. he asks if you’ve ordered your uber yet and you’re unsure if he’s simply just asking or he’s now kicking you out his house. if you knew he wanted you, a label on what you are, you think moments like these would be easier. then you know he’d want you to come back as soon as. you make another mental note after starting crochet to distance yourself from him. let’s see how long that will last.

he kisses you goodbye once the car is outside at 3:17am and your feet are shoved in your shoes. you rest your hand on his cheek during the kiss, pressing your lips to his knowing the next time you do this you’ll probably still be in the same spot. confused and out of control.

when you finally step out his front door he tells you to text him when you’re home. you reply that he will be asleep and you ignore how he says “so?”

once you climb into your uber, not turning around to check if he’s still at the door because you know he won’t be, you think about crying. you have before in an uber so that won’t be anything new. instead you sit, thinking about him and the god awful radio station the drivers put on.

when you’re finally home, pyjamas on and climbing into bed, you get a text.

him: Home?

you: yes

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

"Wow, you're so self-aware! It takes most people years of therapy and dedication to get to that point." Thanks, I constantly feel completely disconnected from my physical being and the material sensation of my body, brain, and spirit/soul is so overwhelming that I often have to see myself as an objective third-party instead of an integrated entity. Father son holy spirit and all that.

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

Me pushing somebody away to see if they come back and they come back

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

I wanted you to fight, say something, make an effort but you just accepted to lose me like I was nothing

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

They say “one day the pain will make sense”

but the pain changes everyday.

How the fuck do I handle that?

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

In an alternate universe I hope I am loved.

unconditionally,

irrevocably,

eternally,

and endlessly.

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

 All the red flags just look like flags. 

Quote by @secondsapart

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

can always count on my terrible memory to help me forget anything bad that's ever happened to me 🫶

[mysticthingtrashpeanut]

hopefully all the good