mysterymenmovie

[mysterymenmovie]

[Inside Herkimer.]

Shoveler: Come on, somebody do something, we need him.

Bowler: Okay. Okay, let's do this. You're a very furious man, you understand that?

Furious: No.

Bowler: No? Well you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why: You're not well-liked. You're uh, you're abrasive and off-putting. You try and say pithy things, but your wit is a hindrance and therefore nothing is provocative. Just mixed metaphors. Now, doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?

Furious: No.

Bowler: Well it should! Aren't you angry? Come on, man!

Shoveler: Your penmanship is atrocious!

Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!

Furious: Get real! I have no powers! I have no powers whatsoever!

Invisible Boy: If he's got no powers, maybe I've got no powers! Maybe I can't turn invisible at all.

Sphinx: Do not go there, my son. When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts.

Raja: Um, I don't mean to be alarmist, but it's half eleven already. Thirty minutes 'til Casanova blows up the city.

Shoveler: All right, now listen. We've got a blind date with destiny,and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. Hang on! We're gonna ram the gate!

(They crash through the front gate to Casanova's mansion.)

Shoveler: What do you think? Should we knock or just let ourselves in?

[mysterymenmovie]

[The heroes, in their spiffy new costumes, line up for a heroic walking shot complete with smoke and lightning. Furious makes an escape attempt and is dragged along by Spleen and Raja.]

[Inside Herkimer.]

Spleen: Shotgun!

Raja: I've already called it, didn't I? Have a seat, my friend.

Shoveler: Everybody ready? And we have liftoff!

Raja: May the forks be with us!

[Outside Herkimer.]

(The Herk lunges forward impressively, then dies.)

Shoveler: Sorry. Too much throttle.

Furious: That's cool. I'm just gonna...I'm gonna go.

Bowler: No, sit down!

Shoveler: All right, here we go!

(The Herk lumbers off.)

Heller: Vaya con Dios.

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[Junkyard.]

(Furious is sitting and babbling while Raja and Spleen stare at him.)

Furious: Roy. The Roy. Roy. Roy. I'm Roy. Yes, I'm Roy. Roy. Who is Roy? Roy is who?

Spleen: He's freaking out, man, he's freaking out!

Furious: Where's the guy who pretends not to be Roy? That's about all I know about Roy.

Raja: We've had quite enough of that old boy, just stop it. Just snap out of it. We're tired of it.

Furious: I'm a wanna-be. I am a wanna-be, a true wanna-be, in the worst sense of the--You guys are going to have to go fight this battle without me.

Spleen: You start doubting your superpowers, man, you are shafted!

Furious: If I had any superpowers to doubt I guess I would be in trouble, but I don't. I don't--I don't--What do I do? I go "Rarrr!"

Spleen: What are you talking about? You lifted a bus once!

Raja: Precisely! That story's legendary.

Furious: It was really more of a push, really, than a lift.

Spleen: Well that still takes incredible superhuman strength!

Raja: It does, to...push an entire bus out of the way.

Furious: Well, actually, the driver kind of had his foot on the accelerator--just in the beginning, just to get it going, then it actually was me. But he kinda...

Raja: Oh shit.

(Spleen suddenly farts, and something burning ignites it into a small fireball.)

Spleen: Excuse me.

(On top of the Herkimer, Heller is explaining an add-on to Invisible Boy.)

Heller: It's a process which results in an accelerated flow of electrons that creates such a powerful magnetic force.

Invisible Boy: This is basically like a huge electromagnet.

Heller: Well, actually it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase.

Shoveler: Vis, can you close up those jockey boxes?

Invisible Boy: Right on it.

Shoveler: Let's get suited up. We're outta here in five. (To Spleen, Raja, and Furious) It's time. Let's go.

[mysterymenmovie]

[Outside Monica's apartment building.]

(Monica steps out.)

Monica: Hi.

Furious: Hi.

Monica: You okay?

Furious: Yeah. I just wanted to say I had a great time tonight. And you were really nice to me. And I would love to uh, to ask you out sometime. But if I don't call you, I just want you to know it's because I'm dead.

Monica: Hmm.

Furious: Yeah. Me and my team, we're gonna take on Casanova Frankenstein. And uh, it's pretty much a suicide mission. So uh, if there is anything that you wanna say to me, I think now would probably be a good time to say it, just 'cause...

Monica: Okay, yeah. I got a question for you.

Furious: Cool. Kick it.

Monica: What's your name?

Furious: Do--Do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I--I...couldn't.

Monica: No, I just, you know, mean your name.

Furious: My name. Um, wow. Okay, uh...It's--It's Phoenix. Phoenix Dark. Dirk. Phoenix Dark-Dirk. I was uh...I was christened Dirk Steele, and I changed it to Phoenix.

Monica: For--Forget about it. It's...It's okay. (she turns to go)

Furious: It's Roy. That's--That's my name. My name is...My real name is Roy.

Monica: (comes back, and kisses him) Just...be...Roy. Okay.

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[Shoveler's bedroom.]

Lucille: I said I was gonna leave you, Eddie, and I meant it.

Shoveler: The city's in peril, Lucille. We're the best hope they've got.

Lucille: Eddie please don't start.

Shoveler: I don't expect you to believe me. I just came by to tell you...that I love you. Tell the kids I love 'em. And now...good bye.

Lucille: Good bye, Eddie. I won't be here when you come home.

Shoveler: Well, that's a chance I'm gonna have to take. Otherwise, there may not be a home to come back to. Wish me luck.

[mysterymenmovie]

[Raja's attic.]

(Mother opens an old, fancy box. It is full of exquisite silver tableware.)

Raja: Oh!

Mother: These belonged to your great-great grandmother. I was saving these for your wedding day, but, from the looks of it, that day...it's probably a long way off.

Raja: (accent gone again) Oh, Mom you're...you're taking this incredibly well.

Mother: You know, I've always known you were special, Jeffrey but I--I just never realized /how/ special.

Raja: (taking the box) Well, I'd better get going. I've got a city to save.

Mother: Jeffrey.

Raja: Yeah?

Mother: Do the accent.

Raja: Oh. Uh. Well... (dons accent) Well I'd love to stay and chitchat Mother, but I fear I must away with me. Our metropolis is in the clutches of a madman.

Mother: Jeffrey? Cheerio.

Raja: (drops accent again) Mother I--I--I really should get going.

Mother: Oh, okay.

Raja: ...Thanks, Ma. (he gives her a kiss)

[mysterymenmovie]

[Raja's house.]

(Mother turns on the light, catching Raja rummaging through her silver drawer.)

Raja: (no British accent) Uh--Hey, Mom.

Mother: (looking at Raja's costume) Jeffrey, what are you doing?

Raja: Um. I was just um...I'm uh... (he bites the bullet, and dons his British accent) I'm a superhero, Mother.

Mother: A superhero?

Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. I am pilfering your tableware because I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The Blue Raja is my name. And--Yes I know I don't wear very much blue, and I speak in a British accent. But if you know your history, it really does make perfect sense. The point is: Your boy's a Limey fork-flinger, Mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but there it is. What will the bridge club think?

Mother: (looks at him a moment) ...You need more forks?

[mysterymenmovie]

[Later, in the lab.]

Heller: If we're gonna bust into that mansion, you're gonna need more than a station wagon.

Furious: At the auto yard, there's this old Herkimer battle jitney. Sally's always telling me to "junk it!"

Heller: Wait. You have a Herkimer battle jitney?? That's the finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made!

Shoveler: All right, we'll meet at the junkyard. We'll go from there.

Raja: I--I--I shall need more forks, I'm afraid.

Shoveler: Those of you with loved ones, say good-bye before we go. You may not get another chance.

All: Zei gezunt.

[mysterymenmovie]

Shoveler: (indicates the bowl of egg salad he's been mixing) This is egg salad. It's loaded with cholesterol. The wife won't even let me touch it. Hardly seems to matter now, 'cause chances are we're already dead. Amazing is gone. There's no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is us.

Invisible Boy: Well yeah but, I don't wanna get frakulated.

Bowler: Psychofrakulated.

Invisible Boy: We still get frakulated.

Shoveler: This is our fight, whether we like it or not. Just we few. We're not your classic superheroes. We're not the favorites. We're the other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on. But I'll tell you what I think. (to Bowler) I think you and that ball of yours have an appointment that you gotta keep. (to Invisible Boy) Invisible Boy, I think it's time you were seen. (to Sphinx) Sphinx, you have trained us well. (to Heller) And Dr. Heller, you might just have given us the edge we need. (to Spleen) And Spleen. I don't wanna stand behind you. But I'll fight beside you with pride. (to Raja) Jeff. You've got a rare and beautiful gift. The city needs you tonight. (to Furious) And Roy, in all the years I've known you, I've never seen you walk away from a fight. Why you lifted a city bus once, man. I think you've got what it takes to handle Casanova. (to everyone) We're all in over our heads and we know it. But if we take on this fight, those of us who survive it will forever after show our scars with pride and say, "That's right. I was there. I fought the good fight." So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?

Raja: I say what the fork. Let's do it!

(All cheer.)

[mysterymenmovie]

[Heller's lab.]

Heller: It's a psychofrakulator. It creates a cloud of radically fluctuating free-deviant chaotrons which penetrate the synaptic relays. It's concatenated with a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary. It's focused onto a biobolic reflector. It--It--What happens is that hallucinations become reality, and the brain is literally fried from within.

Bowler: Where would you get something like that?

Heller: I don't know. They used to say it couldn't be built. The equations were so complex that most of the scientists that worked on it wound up in the insane asylum.

Furious: Which is where Casanova's been hanging out for the last 20 years.

Spleen: If he turned that thing on the city, it'd waste everything in sight!

Bowler: Not "if". When.

Invisible Boy: We need Captain Amazing.

Raja: Yes but unfortunately, we just killed him.

Bowler: No, unfortunately, /you/ killed him, remember?

Invisible Boy: Just because you've been having problems at home doesn't mean you can go around killing people.

Bowler: "Oh sorry, Mummy, sorry. Oh! I'm English. Oh! I didn't mean it."

Spleen: K-I-L-L-E-D. You killed him.

Furious: You killed him. You did. You were the one who flicked the switch.

Spleen: It's the same difference! He's still dead!

Furious: Nobody...You did, kind of.

Raja: SPHINX!..Sphinx. What in heaven's name do we do?

Sphinx: Sometimes...the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.

Bowler: I like the way this man thinks.

Imvisible Boy: Thank you. Let's run.

Shoveler: We can't run.

Bowler: Oh yes, oh yes. It has been established that we can run.

[mysterymenmovie]

Shoveler: Shh--Somebody's coming. We gotta get out of here.

Furious: C'mon, let's get out of here! Get out of here!

(Our heroes turn off the light and scramble out of a window. A fork falls from Raja's pocket and clatters to the floor.)

Casanova: Everybody should just keep holding their horses.

Furious: (to the others as they escape) Go go go go go.

(The lights are switched on, and everyone stares in horror at the charcoal briquette that was once Captain Amazing. Tony C steps up to examine him.)

Tony C: This sucker's dead.

Big Tobacco: What happened to him?

Casanova: As you can see, I have taken Captain Amazing out of the picture. It's time for us to rule! Tonight at midnight, I'm going to do to Champion City what I have done to its greatest superhero. And there'll still be time to go up, get down, and boogie!

[Outside mansion.]

(The seven heroes run across the lawn.)

Furious: Come on, let's get out of here!

Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?

Raja: Well there's been a bit of a cock-up.

Bowler: Raja murdered him!

Raja: What? I didn't murder anyone!

Furious: Guys, I think maybe we got a little bigger fish to fry right now. Like, what the hell was that machine in there?

Shoveler: I don't know. But I know where we can go to find out.

[Casanova's lab.]

(Casanova picks up finds the fork Raja had dropped.)

Casanova: The vermin are back, Tony.

Tony P: Vermin should be exterminated, Casanova.

Casanova: A fish fork is no match for my machine! But I think we should take out some insurance. Don't you think?

[mysterymenmovie]

Furious: Okay, you know what? You know what? Could we just start again? Is there some sort of like, reset button on this thing?

Amazing: No you little freak there's no button for resetting. Flip the switch lady. Don't stare at me. Lift your left arm. Flip it, you moron!

Bowler: Woah!

Amazing: You're a moron!

Bowler: I am not a moron.A

mazing: You're a moron!

Furious: Woah, woah!

Amazing: Flip the switch!

Furious: Do not call her a moron, that's not cool.

Bowler: Thank you.

Raja: I will do it! I'll do it!

Amazing: Flip the switch lady! Don't look at me like that!

Raja: It's this one, yes?(Raja flips the second toggle a second time, and the machine kicks in.)

Amazing: Uh oh. Wrong switch.(A beam comes out of the machine which basically fries Captain Amazing into a man-shaped carbon chunk.)

Furious: Everybody heard me say "reset button", right?

Raja: Oh my God. Oh my God, we killed him.

Shoveler: (from his spot on the other side of the room) What do you mean "we"? I was right here.

Bowler: I'm gonna check his pulse. (she touches his wrist and the entire hand falls off and shatters) I don't think he's gonna pull through.

[mysterymenmovie]

Bowler: What's next?

Amazing: I just told you, flip the second toggle.

Bowler: ..Again?

Amazing: What do you mean?

Bowler: Flip the toggle twice?

Amazing: No, no no no, don't do that. Just flip it again, now. One time. Flip it.

Bowler: (to Furious) Does he understand what I'm asking?

Furious: Hold on a second. Captain, exactly how many toggle flips "in toto" are involved in this entire procedure?

Amazing: (starting to really panic as the machine begins humming) I just..it's--Seven!

Furious: "Seven"?Amazing: Flip it!Furious: Seven?

Bowler: Hold the phone. Everybody, hold the phone. You phrased that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are needed, not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked for in a moment of panic.

Amazing: Flip it!

Bowler: I--

[mysterymenmovie]

(Shoveler turns on his helmetlight. Amazing sits, still strapped to his chair under the machine.)

Raja: It's Captain Amazing!

Shoveler: We've been looking for you.

Amazing: Yeah. There's a light switch behind you there. Turn it on.(The lights go on.)

Raja: My my my. Well well. We meet again, eh Captain?

Shoveler: We're here to rescue you.

Amazing: Yeah.

Raja: I'm Blue Raja. Do you recall me sir? Master of Silverware. You told me to keep up the good work after the Red Eye skirmish.

Amazing: I meet so many people in this business, but...I think...I think so. Could you two locate the master ignition switch over there on the main console? Maybe you could open that up?

Raja: Have you out in two shakes of a lamb's tail, Captain. Frightfully uncomfortable.

Amazing: Great.

Bowler: How does this work?

Furious: Oh I've seen one of these things. Yeah, yeah yeah. Okay, you've got to push this thing in I think and twist it.

Bowler: Don't force it don't force it!

Amazing: She's right, my little friend. This contraption is in fact a weapon of mass destruction. Casanova plans to turn it against the city tonight at midnight.

Bowler: Hey, something's happening. Something's happening.

Amazing: Okay, very good. Now, on the wall to your left you should see two toggles side by side.

Furious: Oh, woah, "toggles"? What do you mean? You talking about switches?

Bowler: I see them, Captain.

Amazing: Thank you. Flip the first toggle.

Bowler: Flipping... (she flips it)

Amazing: Excellent work. Now flip the--

Raja: Jolly good work, team! Jolly good!

Amazing: Will you just--!..Over there, please.

Raja: Of course. Sorry.

Amazing: Now flip the second toggle.

Raja: Do as he says, Bowler. The man knows what of he speaks.

(Bowler flips the second toggle.)

Shoveler: Captain, I'm just gonna ask you directly: Do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?

Amazing: It's me. (Shoveler looks positively shocked) Naw, I'm kiddin' with you. I've always wanted to do that.

[mysterymenmovie]

[Outside, on the hill.]

Spleen: (looks through binoculars at mansion) Things look pretty quiet to me...(sniffs) Hey Invisible Boy, did you just let one go?

Invisible Boy: No no, that wasn't me.

Spleen: Well it wasn't me.

(A skunk emerges from the bushes. Spleen makes as if to bolt.)

Invisible Boy: No no, don't run, he'll shoot!

(The skunk wanders over, and starts to get amorous with Spleen's leg.)

Spleen: Is he doing what I think he's doing?

Invisible Boy: Just go with it.

[Inside mansion.]

(Total darkness.)

Bowler: Can anybody see anything?

Amazing: Hey!

Bowler: Who said hey?

Shoveler: Not me.

Furious: Eddie, you don't have to say "Not me," okay? If someone says "who?" then you say--

Amazing: Hey! Morons! Over here.

[mysterymenmovie]

[Inside mansion.]

Casanova: Does everyone have a drink? Good, good. Well, it is wonderful in my heart to see so many familiar faces once again. (he looks from gang to gang) The Susies--assassins from the East. The Suits--downsizing all those who dare oppose them. And the Furriers--always dressed to kill. And the Frat Boys--still on probation for lethal hazing.

Frat Boys: Phi Zeta!

Casanova: And, of course, the Not-So-Goody Mob--putting the rhyme into crime!

NSGM #1: The pleasure's all mine, Frankenstein!

NSGM #2: We're about to perpetrate some evil on these Champion City people.

NSGM #3: Rappin', snappin', cappin'.

NSGM #4: Yeah.

Casanova: Tonight, we are having quite a party, a surprise party. I have a little something up my sleeve, and I'm not just talking about the wart on my elbow. I have created a beautiful machine, that is going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the world! Can you dig it?

Big Tobacco, leader of the Suits: What about Captain Amazing?

Casanova: That is an excellent question, Big Tobacco. What are we going to do about the greatest superhero that Champion City has ever known? Hm? For the answer, I want you all to walk this way.

Frat Boy #1: Dude. Can we uh, bring the brewskis?

Casanova: Yes, of course, you may absolutely bring the brewskis.

(The Frat Boys cheer.)

[mysterymenmovie]

[Inside Casanova's mansion]

(A party rages on. Various gangs eat, drink, and laugh it up. Casanova sits at the head of the table like a king, enjoying the turnout.)

[Outside mansion.]

(Raja, Bowler, Shoveler, and Furious huddle behind a planter on the lawn.)

Raja: Right then. I'll go and scout out a way in. What should the signal be?

Shoveler: Caree. Caree-caroo.

Raja: No no, what about Whipporwill! Whipporwill!

Shoveler: No! Caree-caroo!

Raja: Yes but, isn't that better?

Bowler: Not interested.

Furious: Shh, shh! Enough with the "cuckoo"! We have to find an open window.

Raja: That's what I just said.

Furious: Go! Go!