mysoulforsale-blog1

[mysoulforsale-blog1]

Sorry This is Pathetic

Sometimes I don’t really want to be alive. I don't want attention. I don't want sympathy, and I don't want people feeling bad for me. I don't deserve it. It's not like I would ever do anything about it. Partly because i'm a wimp and partly because I feel like I deserve the misery sometimes. I have way too many conflicting emotions. I don't think i'm the worst person ever but i'm definitely not the best. This is something i've never discussed out loud before or through text, I keep it to myself because i don't want people to know the final flaw in me. I hate myself. I'll never be as good as I want to be at anything, I won't ever be able to make the girl I love, love me as much as I love her, and i'll never be able to push emotions off the way others can. I will forever be consumed by the pain of caring too much. So why am I even writing this? I've made it 20 years keeping it all inside, I still don't think that writing any of my crazy fucked up thoughts will make me feel any better, or help in anyway whatsoever. Maybe it will… maybe it won't. So where do I go from here? What depressing thing do i talk about?

I guess it starts with love. Love is truly amazing, it may be one of the strongest emotions that I personally can feel. Love pushes people to be better, to work harder, and to help others. I  hate love. The most painful emotion I have ever experienced is love. I'm not all weepy because i was cheated on, or because I was wrong recently (at least not this time, but I can talk about past relationship in a minute.). I hate love because when I feel it it's more than just an emotion. It's like a death grip on my heart. Even describing it that way feels silly and foolish, but it's the closest i can get to accurately describing it. I can't describe the emotional toll that love demands from me. My emotional state very literally wraps itself around the girl I fall for. When they are sad, I'm sad. When they are mad, I am mad too, the majority of the time it's at myself for letting them feel that way. I know that I can't make the world the best ever for my love; but somehow I also don't know that. If I slip up and say something wrong and hurt her, I can't handle the pain of hurting someone I love so much. This, incidentally, is the event that spawned this mody poorly written explanation of my damaged psyche. I fucking hate myself. I can't fix anything and I don't know why. She won't listen to me. Things were great then i made a stupid simple offhand joke that shouldn't have offended her. That she took in a way that I don't mean, whish i understand is my fault, but i've learned. Then all of a sudden she doesn't want to talk to me, she won't let me do things for her, and I fall apart. Apologies don't work and i don't know why. Explaining that i'm trying to fix what i've done won't work. It was so minor how could it cause everything to fall apart? Why does it feel like this is tearing the rest of my life apart? Why am I alive? I can't handle the loss of another girl that i thought cared about me. Maybe she does maybe she doesn't, I Just need her and now i might not have her. Just like with past relationships it feels like I put too much in and now I am being eaten alive by my own thoughts. The only slight comfort is that I probably deserve it. It must be some type of justice. I'm not good enough for most girls anyway. I understand that though. I really just want to take care of her, make her happy, and make her life better. However only a real man that isn't as insecure and pathetic as me deserves the gorgeous goddess that I fell for. I almost just made myself laugh thinking about that phrase. “Falling in love.”. I think that makes sense for me especially. Lots of people get hurt when they fall in love, and lots find the person that they are supposed to be with. Me? It feels like a slam into the ground at terminal velocity every time. That means it has to be my fault right? It's like the worst curs in the world. I Just want someone to love and have love me back, but i don't deserve it and can't have it. I would say it's not fair but it probably is. Im sure its pathetic to constantly talk about how pathetic I am. I just feel it. I don't want to. I just do.