mysimplicity827

[mysimplicity827]

I got a new lunchbox. I have been wanting to buy this one for a very long time, I’m glad I have it now.

My goal is to be very careful with my finances, I believe I will fulfill my goals. This lunchbox is already used for its main purpose.

Thanks God for help and protection)

[mysimplicity827]

“…. But I do have a room of my own, at last. I’m not in an alley, or an underpass, or a leaky, cold van, or a red room in a horrifying house. I’m here. I don’t feel sad. For just now, I don’t feel scared. I feel, for right now, well, kind of triumphant…..”

“…. I want to make myself matter…”

Reading this book I witnessed God’s miracles, universe’s help. Dear Charlie (female protagonist) life was so unfair to you, I hope you are getting better and better, I hope you will have an amazing boyfriend who won’t be Riley even if he is improving himself and loves you. I can’t let this guy be near you after what he has done. Charlie, you deserve all the miracles you had and will encounter.

While reading this story I was watching how God helps Charlie; she was taken care of by people who knew her and didn’t know her, she received money through an unexpected source, she found a job on the second day of her arrival in another state.

As someone who struggles with NSSI I understood the main female hero when she felt the urge to do it. I know how hate for one’s body feels, and what’s it like to want to matter. I am not interested to write “if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it your family and friends” or “suicide is not an option”. If you seek help, to read something better is recommended. I know my body is not pretty with all the scars on it, but it not the scars that make it ugly, it’s fat. I wouldn’t consider it prettier without any of what I did. One day I will be skinny and won’t think this body is ugly.

I wish you happiness, Charlie.

[mysimplicity827]

“….. Which is why being here on this beach with the type of people I’m sure I would have been invisible to in high school is hard for me…..”

I know this book contains cruel stories of main heroes whose lives were breaking them on a regular basis. I know this book is about people who were good and stayed good in spite of being deeply damaged.

Both with profoundly painful moments, that made me cry, and with steamy episodes, that were making me shy, I enjoyed reading the book overall. I think many readers can to some extent understand main characters finding their extreme cases at least a bit relevant.

I, as a reader, wasn’t only reading this novel but unwittingly seeking answers to the questions in my mind by analyzing heroes’ lives and my own reactions. I felt what Beyah (female protagonist) went through, not deeply felt but still could sense her pain. And I strongly assume i would be way more mentally unstable if I experienced exactly what she did.

(I may be incorrect) I also couldn’t find her wish to improve her life plausible. People with hard destinies hold on to their dreams and faith that help them not to deviate from their path. In this case the girl neither had desire to be great nor was a devoted believer in God, she simply didn’t want to be like her mom, but it’s not enough to stay good and listen to one’s conscience, subjectively speaking.

I didn’t get attached to heroes of the book but I don’t regret buying it.

[mysimplicity827]

It has beed a rather stressful July… I again moved to another country, this time it’s UAE, Dubai. But I arrived here to look for a job and it was a big cause of my anxiety… Now as I got older people don’t care that I was an excellent student, they only see that I haven’t graduated high school and don’t have any degree. Here for many I am too young and inexperienced. I think I received over a hundred of rejections and disregards. I hated this experience when subjectively speaking I was perceived either as a simple young girl with average limitations or as a young person with potential but no results yet. How I missed days when I was a student with very good results and managed to gain respect from my teachers and peers. According to my claims I wasn’t arrogant and condescending, I was more confident so to speak.

Dubai is a big city, and big cities are cruel. In cruel cities we encounter façade of responsibility, competence, and intellect. Where people use nihilistic arguments to justify situations or explain them. In Dubai reality hit me again. I don’t want to be like them, I don’t want to come to a big cruel city just to make my money, meet new people, and have a better life than it would be if I stayed in me home country. I will prosper big, and I will amaze this city.

~ I also had 19th birthday and my sister got me bunch of sweets and money I used to buy two book and a planner, one of those books is on the picture. I have read about 70 pages so far and I am highly interested to continue reading it.

P. S. I found a job)

[mysimplicity827]

Growing… but I’m just growing tired

[mysimplicity827]

Times when I was terribly depressed. I’m not okay, I wasn’t okay.

I thought of bad things and people when I was doing it. I thought of what is inevitable in my life but so hard to accept.

“Will I ever see results of my hard work, incessant faith, prayers?” “I don’t want to be in this town anymore. It feels like prison.”

How I wish I could end this all. But I have dreams and they demand my life.

[mysimplicity827]

Unknown future, bitter present, rueful past.

I hope for the better because it's the least unpleasant option. l'm sorry for me for unavoidably hideous teenage years, for anxiety and depression, for hard work and no payoff, for hysterics and numbness. I'm sorry for secrets, ghosting, and insults, for unfair treatment, mean teachers, abusive parent. I won't forget panic attacks, cuts, and pills. I'm sorry for self-hatred, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. I have memories, scars, food for thought and contemplation. I think a lot about life... maybe too much.

I haven't changed much, but life goes on, and I must forgive and move on.

[mysimplicity827]

Reading some New adult currently… Rina Kent’s books to be precise.

I don’t read Y/A and N/A often, it’s kind of a small break for me from more serious literature.

Teenage romance books was the beginning of my love for reading. As I got older I’ve started to elevate spiritually and intellectually. So now Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Gogol preside in my heart.

But if you want to read something steamy my favorites are:

- Deviant king.

- Black night.

- Vicious prince.

- God of pain.

All written by Rina Kent.

[mysimplicity827]

How hard it is to let go sometimes. Years of efforts to achieve my goals accompanied with years of failures and disappointments. Now I finally let go. What is mine has always been mine and will be mine. What I am destined to become I will be. I let go of the past that didn’t give me what I begged, prayed, yearned for. And now I won’t ask the future anymore. I let go. I’m grounded for this reality. I’m hardworking for this reality. And I’m my desires in the realm of my mind. That’s how I live: both in this reality and in mysimplicity.

[mysimplicity827]

Soon I will fly away again. But this time to work than to study. Soon I will step on a path of financial independence. It makes me excited and hopeful. May God take care of me.

[mysimplicity827]

Now he knows I exist. Now he wants me like I want him. He kissed my neck and kissed my shoulder. He pulled my shirt and kissed my naked skin.

One day I’ll meet him not only in my dream…

[mysimplicity827]

This early morning I had a dream. And in my dream I saw my dad. He was so young, way younger than the day he passed away. My father, you were looking at me as if you wanted me to know that it is how you look now. You looked at me as if you said “remember me this way, now I’m young, at peace and watching over you”. I’m glad you came to visit me. I miss you, Dad.

[mysimplicity827]

I can never lose faith. Because faith is a part of me, it is what defines me. And I can never be who I am not. I can pretend for a while, lie to myself and others but eventually I am still who I am. Thus I will never lose faith.