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i’ve lived in fear

two years or it’ll be two years next month. i’ve lived in fear in fear of pain in fear of living in fear. i stop my self from doing things because i fear being in pain, i fear being so miserable for a day or two that i’ve stopped living my life ive limited the things i can and cannot do.  ive put myself in a bubble in which i say i can’t do this andi can’t do that because i just cant. i blame it on circumstantial instead of real, i can go out and do things but i chose not to. because i fear that whaatever i do my body will hate me. but today i think is it better to have a few days of pain and have lived my life. or lay on my death bed many moons from now and regret never doing anything exciting or fun because  i was afraid? 

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I'm dying of anger at my body.

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All my friends seem to be pregnant. Everyone is having babies and here I sit unable to now because I am uterus-less. And when someone that doesn't know says "when are you having another" it's a stab to the heart. And the tears seems to come along with that. I'm happy for all my friends but I tried so hard for many years and nothing. Happened things aren't fair and I've accepted that but still... There's days when I haven't...

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Scared of living.

When you live with a chronic illness you are scared constantly you are scared to live and go out because you are afraid of the pain that you will feel afterwards, you are scared of every little noise that your body makes. Or a new symptoms that may appear from doing or trying something new. I'm tired of living this way. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live freely without having to worry about if I eat this will it give me a reaction?

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These brilliant paintings were made by Duane Bryers, the artist responsible for my all-time favourite pin-up girl. Hilda is not only sexy, but she has a distinct personality that I don’t see in the other girls of her category. While most pin-ups are simply eye candy, Hilda makes me laugh and marvel at her adorable down-to-earth-ness.

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He died.

On February 19th i wrote about joey, i was telling you how he was going to a rescue, i told you how much my heart was hurting. i told you how it wasn’t fair. i told you that i loved him more than i love my siblings and that still stands. on June 8th i received an email from the rescue he went with, my heart knew what it said before i even opened it, i knew it.. my eyes watered. my heart started beating hard. and once i opened it..it said the simple words...

“ so sorry to let you all know this... but, yesterday I had to say goodbye to Joey. He went peacefully and surrounded by love. Thank you for allowing us to care for him these last few months. He was an absolute joy and he took care of us very well. ( I always say they take care of us more than we take care of them) heart emoticon”

my heart broke into a million pieces. my eyes filled up with tears. because he was my baby and i loved him and i still love him. because he was an amazing dog, he was an amazing friends. he listened when i needed him to. he loved me when i needed it the most. 

here is sit mourning the death of my best friend.

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Feeling.

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how do you move on from something that you wanted for so long, how do you just give up and say i accept that i’m not getting what i want, i mean at what point do you move on? its like i try to keep it down but no matter what it resurfaces.. i tried for so many years and nothing.. other people that don’t deserve them they get them.. and yet here i amjust wanting what i can’t have.

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Fighter

Fighting every single day, its been about a year and 6 months since my hysterectomy and here i am still fighting.. fighting to not be depress to not mourn what i have lost, fighting to smile, fighting all my life i’ve been fighting.. i fought to be alive at birth since i was born with a fever which is actually really rare or at least it was in 1986.. ive been fighting just wanting normal.. i want to be a normal 29 year old that can leave her house and not freak out.. i want to be okay to be around new people .. i want to be able to be away from my phone (safety device) for more than 5 seconds, i’m fighting.. its second nature to me, i do not coward to anything if i am still alive today its for a reason, what reason is that i have no clue.. 

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I don’t post often because i seriously don’t do anything i have build some tough walls around me, that not many people are willing to jump over to get to me and its okay because i dont expect anyone to come save me. i need to get my thoughts and my anger together and learn how to let go of things theres so many what if’s i dont know if i’ll ever be able to be at peace with it.. my life has been a series of unfortunate events one after another, i mean im still alive and i belive its for the sole purpose of torture, or maybe because at the endo f all of this theres a really big rainbow waiting for me, hah i tend not believe that one. i’m 29 in age. but mentally im probably like 90 lmao.. i dont know.. depression has hit me hard this time around.. trying to dig myself out of my hole and yet i keep diggin myself a deeper hole.. i dont know anymore.. 

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its funny to think about my 20’s since i am 28 you know pushing 30 and i am at a point where i like to think back and say i could of, should of, would of but didn’t of! specially since the last 8 years of my life have been hell.. i had my son when i was 20.. and from then on life changed.. my...

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I'm Going Poo-less!

been researching for awhile, been thinking about it a while but havent been ready for that plunge you know letting go of what you've been washing your hair with your whole entire life, to something that might not work out.. but this week i said hey what the heck lets give it a try and see if it works out.. and it does awesome i save money and if it doesn't then i just go back to what i know.. so today is 

DAY 1!: MADE MY STUFF.. WATER AND BAKING SODA, AND CONDITIONER OF VINEGAR AND WATER YES i used white vinegar cause its all i had and i didn't want to go to the store specially if it doesn't work.. 

my hair felt nice in the shower.. i will post pictures of it later.. but so far my hair is still on my head!! but we shall see how it progresses from here.. wish me luck on this new journey!

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his name is joey.

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friend.

11 years ago we went to a shelter and picked you out of hundred pets, we picked you and we made you part of our family. and then last saturday i get a call from my dad asking me what they charge at the shelter to surrender a pet.. i asked whom are you surrendering and he says joey.. joey.. i said the one we saved from the shelter why? he said he's too old now he's useless.. my heart broke into a million pieces because i cant take him home with me, i rent and my landlord won't allow big dogs, he's a rottie and well you know in southern cali those dogs are thought of as dangerous.. it hurts me.. i am working with so many rescues and hoping that one of them comes through because him being a senior he will not make it out of the shelter because he's an old dog no one wants an old dog.. my heart is breaking into a millino pieces because i cannot help him.. i cannot say its okay i'll bring him home with me and let him live the rest of his life out..i have until sunday to get him into a rescue or he will be going to the shelter..  he came into my life when i was 17, i was depressed.. and he was my friend and my confidant.. he was their when no one else was.. and now i dont know what to do.. ive cried so much.. and i know thats not going to do anything but i'm hoping that one of the rescues takes him because at least i'll know that he will be ok and he will be loved.. and he will be okay.. 

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where have i been?? i disappear like it was the thing to do.. so much has been happening i guess this is an update, my life feels like it has fallen apart, but in reality it hasn't. i think i stop myself from doing things because i am afraid of failing or falling or hurting.. i'm tired of living like i'm in a bubble ... i feel like ive protected myself so much that i do not allow myself to enjoy life.. 

its been a year and 3 months since my hysterectomy.. has my life changed yeah, and no.. i am still in constant pain everyday, what has changed? i'm not bleeding to death anymore.. thats about it.. 

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This is a summary of college only using two pictures; expensive as hell.

That’s my Sociology “book”. In fact what it is is a piece of paper with codes written on it to allow me to access an electronic version of a book. I was told by my professor that I could not buy any other paperback version, or use another code, so I was left with no option other than buying a piece of paper for over $200. Best part about all this is my professor wrote the books; there’s something hilariously sadistic about that. So I pretty much doled out $200 for a current edition of an online textbook that is no different than an older, paperback edition of the same book for $5; yeah, I checked. My mistake for listening to my professor.

This is why we download. 

 Alternatives to buying overpriced textbooks

Textbooknova 

Reddit

Bookboon 

Textbookrevolution 

GaTech Math Textbooks

Ebookee 

Freebookspot 

Free-ebooks

Getfreeebooks 

BookFinder

Oerconsortium 

Project Gutenberg

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This made me laugh too hard