myreality333

[myreality333]

10 Years Gone

How has it been ten years? Ten fucking years. I just lost you yesterday but somehow that yesterday was ten years ago. You are still a constant in my life. Even though you are no longer here. When you left this world, for the longest time, I stopped living too. I let myself just be content with things instead of being happy. What was the point of living? I did my responsibilities most days and that was it. Why should I live when you died? Why should I live when you deserve it more? I've never stopped loving you after all these years. For all these years, I have continued to make sure my heart beats because yours stopped. Sometimes I want to join you. More than sometimes I want to join you. But I know you wouldn't want that. I know you'd be mad at me. For ten years, I have been taking a breath every day for you. I don't know if I will come to the point where I finally take a breath just for me. I love you, my SSS. I promise I'll never stop.

[myreality333]

Hot & Cold

Such a stupid title but nothing fits you better. One minute you act like you love me and the next you act like I don't exist. You show me no consistency, yet, here I stay begging. Begging for you to act like I matter to you. Begging for any of your time. Begging for just a text back. Begging for you to show that you fucking love me. But if I'm begging. I guess that already shows that you don't love me. So what am I doing.

[myreality333]

“I want to feel my life while I’m in it.”

— Meryl Streep

[myreality333]

Placeholder

You are leaving soon. I knew it was coming but I still feel this loss. I finally found you and here you go. I know you'll eventually come back but what will that look like and with whom. We aren't an item. It would be nice to be but we aren't. You aren't looking for anything. I don't know why you chose me. It is like we are playing house. You cook for me and have me over. Take care of your daughter. Sleep together in both ways. I am just filling this empty slot for you, I guess. As much as it hurts to say. I probably am just your placeholder. It is nice to be your placeholder for now. When you leave, it will hurt but I am expecting it. Sometimes expecting the pain, makes it hurt a little less. I guess we will see.

[myreality333]

Still Hers

I know who I am to you. I know you still want her. You have your pictures with her still up in your room. Yet, you have sex with me in your bed. You hold me after and stare at me like I am the only thing that matters. You cradle me in your sleep. You hold my hand when we are in public. You kiss me in bars. You hug me in the hallways of your home. You are giving me what I want in a man. But I know you're still hers.

[myreality333]

What the fuck am I doing

Why am I doing this to myself? Fuck. I know I am being hot and cold with him. It is the only way I know how to slow down my feelings. I cannot fall for the stupid boy with the big blue eyes. I cannot. I am just his temporary fix. And that is what he should be to me. Any moment she could come back to him and I would be the one to leave. Because I know he would choose her. Why am I putting myself in this situation? This super fucked up situation. Do I like fucking hurting myself? What the fuck is wrong with me? Calm your stupid ass down. You are not together. You are just his distraction. It is temporary. Do not fall. Do NOT fall. Boys are never what they seem. Maybe you need some space. Stop messaging for awhile. Not see him for awhile. Be distant. But then what if I am just self-sabotaging. What if the reason we don't work is because I self-sabotaged. Fuck. Take a breath. Take a fucking breath. One more. Fuck. You can do this. He is just another male. But you are powerful. You are magical. You are strong, gifted, amazing, and beautiful. He does not control that about you. You are all these things despite anyone. You have grown with resilience and strife. You are everything you are meant to be and that is beautiful.

[myreality333]

I am currently listening to this song by Taylor Swift. Last Kiss. Now I am bawling. I never thought you'd leave. You were the one I would of put all bets on. You are the one I did put all bets on. I told you things I'd never tell anyone else. I behave like my full self in front of you. I didn't need a filter for you. I thought you were my person. But now, I only get to see you in my dreams. I sleep all day just to see your face. In my dreams, you still love me. In my dreams, you didn't leave. In my dreams, we haven't had our last kiss.

[myreality333]

“Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.”

— Unknown

[myreality333]

Benadryl

I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Thinking about when I was 15. I took 12 of them so I could "sleep". I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Telling myself it would be easier this time. I can take more this time. Once I am done with the Benadryl, I can move on to the rest. I have the Advil and Tylenol. Then I have Naproxen if I still need it fixed. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. I wonder if it can cure this sickness. Because I haven't eaten in days and my body aches. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. I hope it can take the pain. I hope that my heart stops hurting. I hope that it makes everything go away. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Telling myself it's not the answer. But I can't help but wonder if it is. I know this bottle won't bring him back. But it can at least take me away. I know this bottle won't make him stay. But at least I won't be in pain.

[myreality333]

Come Home

Why are you pushing me away? I just want you to stay. We can work through this together. Please don't give up on us. You are my whole heart. Now that you are gone, I feel empty. I feel myself slipping away and deteriorating. I just want you home. I love you. It doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be like this. I just want to hold you. I just want to have you near. Please don't go. Please don't leave. Every part of my body and soul are screaming for you. Please come home. Please.

[myreality333]

Your Sister

I am your sister. I am your sister that never truly got to be your sister. I cared for you once you were born like my own. I gave your bottles and changed your diapers. I sung you to sleep and you slept in your bed next to me. When you started to walk, I chased you around. I brought you to places to play. You had a smile as big as the sun and you always lit up my day. I was a child taking care of a toddler but with you, it never felt like a chore. Then I was taken from you for so many years until I was able to find you again. I blamed myself for so long for being apart even though it wasn't in my control. Once I found you, I felt so guilty and thought you wouldn't know who I was. But you lit up and loved me instantly, then some of that anxiety was gone. Even though we lived separately since, I try to care for you still. I struggle to provide you with the things you need and struggle to be a step-in-mom. I take you to doctors and handle your schoolwork. I try to be the parent you need. I try to fill in the placeholders but there is still so much more you need. I love being your sister. I love being your support. However, I wish that you could have the other things you yearn. You don't speak it but I know you wish dad was around and that your parents were sober. I know you wish you got attention at your home and felt cared for. I try to fill those voids for you as much as I can not just because I am your sister. I love you with all that I am and I will always be your supporter.

[myreality333]

“But why, why, why can’t people just say what they mean?”

— Graeme Simsion

[myreality333]

Buoyancy

I am not okay. I am l feel as though I have failed. I feel as though it is my fault for not starting sooner.

The depression that has been slowly enveloping me for the past few months is nothing new. However, it feels different. Or. Maybe I had just become unfamiliar with it. I know that depression can feel much worse than this because I have felt much worse than this.

I have not harmed myself. Even though the very thought of harming myself has been at the forefront of my mind often this week. I have not begun to plan suicide. It would be a lie to say I haven't contemplated it this week. However, I have mostly been fantasizing about previous times attempts of suicide and self-harm.

I feel like I am in an ocean with neutral buoyancy. Not hitting the bottom but unable to catch my breath.

I feel as though the water is filling and burning my lungs but air continues to blow out of my nose.

I am not okay. But I wouldn't say I am suicidal. However, I am not okay enough to be alone. Yet, here I am. Alone.

[myreality333]

Are we going anywhere? It feels like we are but everytime it feels like we are making progress, it ends up that we have been on a treadmill this entire. So many miles walked but in the same spot.

[myreality333]

False Realities

Something inside of me wants to scream at the top of my lungs and yell “DO YOU HEAR ME” but what is the point. She will never hear me. She is too consumed with her own spiraling thoughts and false realities. She sees the world as she wishes instead of seeing what is real. Instead of seeing what is me. It is easy to state that she will always be be this way. However, it is not easy to just let it be. To let her be. I want to fight and argue and make her see me. To make her hear me. To make her realize she is the one getting in her own way. I want there to be a way to pull her away from her falsehoods but that is not my part to play. I am not in control of her thoughts or emotions. That is my reality and it is one I need to accept. We have had this tango one too many times. I have said my peace and there is no point wasting my breath. I just wish she would see that the only one pushing her away is herself.

[myreality333]

Fat

What am I doing so wrong? I constantly struggle with these pounds that have grown and multiplied over the years. I feel disgusted when I see myself in another person’s lens. I struggle with admitting that I am unhappy with myself because by admitting it, I am admitting that I want to change. It is hard for me to showcase myself to the world. I pretend that I am this BBW but inside I am self-conscious and overwhelmed with the fat the deposits throughout my body. I have tried diet after diet but somehow always end up failing. I give up all the things I love and stuff myself full with different routines or exercises trying to make something work, anything work. Facing the reality of my unhappiness makes me crash. It makes me want to hurl everything across the room and cry. I see these confident women and I want to be one but it is SO hard. I try to be a better me but what actually constitutes a better me. I tell myself that being “skinny” isn’t what it is all made out to be. When I was skinny, I was more depressed, isolated, and scared. Maybe I am mentally in my own way of being skinny again. I tell myself that my weight is okay because I am happier than I was back then but taking into account all the facts of why I was sad before, I think my sadness was justified. So now that skinny is how I want to be again, how do I get there. I feel so stuck in my actuality. Nothing is seeming to work, the numbers just keep getting higher. I need a way to get to my destination and permanently. 

[myreality333]

“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”

— Courtney C. Stevens