myquietsafehaven

[myquietsafehaven]

my tumblr ads are alternating between reminding me i’m a dyke and telling me to fear the space scorpion

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Mina: "Alright, everyone pinkie swear right now to put Vampire Me down if I hop the line between death and undeath."

Van Helsing and the Suitor Squad: "Depressing, but sure, absolutely."

Jonathan:

Mina: "...Jonathan?"

Jonathan: "Yes?"

Mina: "Will you promise to slay me if I get vampire'd?"

Jonathan: "Mina, I will not lie to you."

Jonathan:

Mina: "Jonathan. I need you to look me in the eye and promise to murder me martyr-style if I get too undead."

Jonathan: "Fine. I can promise to kill."

Mina: "Me? Vampire me?"

Jonathan, making unbroken eye contact with the four guys who just promised to behead and impale his wife if she stops being human enough: "I guarantee there will be killing involved if Vampire You happens."

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Best one shot I've ever read lmao

[myquietsafehaven]

tma s5 but it’s about jon’s corruption arc (and also i get to take these lyrics from Terrible Thing by AG and make them abt jon magnusarchives) 

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Don’t worry, Jon, you’ll get used to it here, in the world that we have made

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so you're an old man in the victorian era, right? right. and you've got evil magic powers and you're planning to destroy the world with your fucked up magic evil prison. so you give it a go and, whoops, everyone in the prison is dead and it sinks into the fucking swamp. we've all been there. but, hey, there's an upside: if you go down into the swamp-prison and sit in a special chair you get to everything in the whole wide world! well. nowhere with no eyes or pictures of eyes around, nowhere that fucking clown and her posse shack up, not any of the tunnels around the swamp-prison, but whatever. a lot of stuff. and you're like, great! I can work with this! but then you're like "hang on. I'm super old and super about to die. I need to pull the ol' ocular switcheroo." but hey, this, too, has an upside: you can put your old man body in the special chair while your satellite body goes out and about. great! no more high-chair jail for jonah! but here's my question: how does that work, like logistically. you've probably already picked a guy, right, so you bring him and a melon baller and the finest chloroform victorian medicine can provide somewhere private, you do the deed, you blink a few times and try to get used to the new digs, but now what. is your first warm up errand as this new guy lugging your old man kinda-corpse down into the swamp tunnels and putting it in the special boy high-chair? or did you do all of this in the old prison in the first place to make it easier? did you tell your young man friend "follow me through this trap door into the secret institute tunnels and keep walking with me for a suspicious amount of time"? like what was the game plan here. did your new host think he was about to fuck an old man in a creepy basement before you pulled out the weird spoon.

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Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

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why does one of these gummi worms have LEGS

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i don't need to explain myself you all know what i'm talkin about

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Computer, show me characters gaining weight as a sign of their improving mental state. Show me characters learning to love their body as they learn to love themselves. Show me characters no longer punishing themselves for something that isn’t their fault. Computer. Computer do you hear me.

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I'm noticing a hint of a phenomenon where new listeners, untouched by years of fandom arguing and fanon, listen to Elias and Jon interact and call it (correctly) kind of gay. Nature might be healing.

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goomba

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long hair not in a girl way but instead in a head archivist of the magnus institute way

[myquietsafehaven]

Yes I like fictional characters a very normal amount. Don’t look at my blog.