mynotsosecretloveforhim

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

you're the wrote this but you're stupid.🤦🏻‍♀️

To the next Gentleman in line,

I won't expect you to stand up high and meet those fictional characteristics and standards that appear in male protagonists in movies, books, and media.

You don't have to be muscular, tall, smart, rich, and attractive.

After all, I realized these are not the characteristics a true man needs to possess, nor the husband material type.

I just wish for you to be a person who acts true to his words, a man who doesn't need the opinion of the masses to make a decision, but rather someone who can make thorough decisions alone and act independently and rationally. I hope that you'd choose me over friends and drinks. I don't mean restricting your fun and time with your friends. I would allow you to have fun, but please know your limits. I'd like you to avoid any liquor or beer-related reunions, especially if there's a non-blood-related girl around the occasion. If you do so, then wouldn't that mean you'll also allow me to go out for an occasion and drink with boys you don't know?

It may sound selfish to say, but I hope you'll choose me over fun and friends, not always, but whenever I need you the most in my sorry state, wherein I need your comfort, your words, your ears, your attention, and your concerns just to comfort me—never making me feel less important than anything.

I wish for you to have that full masculine energy that enables me to comfortably show my sensitivity and release my feminine energy. I don't care if you're thin, fat, or muscular. Besides, what's the purpose of those muscles if you lack true masculinity within?

What I mean by masculine energy is when you are able to make me feel protected, respected, acknowledged, appreciated, valued, and remembered—not always, but every time the situation needs those.

Protected in a way that you never hesitate to step forward and defend me when someone is criticizing and hating me. Be that comforter and lone audience who is willing to lend an ear to my stories and emotional breakdown. Get angry with the things that infuriate me and laugh at the things I laugh at. Not letting me feel inferior to any girl and making me feel that I don't have to compete with anyone. Be that protector who protects not only my physical well-being but also my peace of mind and my emotional well-being.

Respected in a way that whatever decision and action you make, you always think about whether it will hurt me or not, avoiding those actions and informing/asking for my opinion about them. Even putting rightful boundaries on what you should and shouldn’t do. Not giving any other girls attention and acting just as a married man should. Putting distance and boundaries that would initially tear down their hopes toward you. Not making any girl special, heard, and important in a way that could make them unknowingly depend on you as their emotional support...unless it is your mom or sister.

Acknowledged and appreciated in a way that every time I do something good for you—giving you time despite my busy days, doing something good for the day, adjusting myself to your available time, learning the things you play and like just so I could understand you—I wish you would acknowledge and appreciate those efforts I put in just to catch up with you.

Valued in a way that despite not being able to show it personally, despite the busy schedule, you will put in the effort to talk to me and update me about how things are going in your life. I would be happy to hear your stories about your day, despite how boring they seem to you. I want to know what things made you smile and have our own quality time together, even putting in effort during monthsaries and anniversaries.

Remembered in a way that whenever you have free time, you will call me. Being able to recall the things I said, despite how useless they may seem. Remember what I hate and what I love, what I cherish, and what I want. Not someone who forgets and doesn’t care about the reasons why I got emotional last time.

You see, I don't care how you look physically, as I believe we can fix our insecurities together. Let's exercise together, do skincare together, bathe together, read together, eat healthy foods together, travel together, and glow and grow together.

Wherever you are right now, just be yourself and don't mind the eyes and opinions of the people around you. As long as you have good characteristics inside, you're 100× better than those who act cool, disrespectfully, and ironically. Having good characteristics yet not being a typical people pleaser means knowing how and when to put up your boundaries. You should have the right discipline to act and refrain from actions that may lead to disrespectfulness towards our relationship. Be strong-minded and willful. Be a dreamer and consistent. Be ambitious yet funny.

In simple terms, reciprocate the actions and vision I have. I won't demand those things if, in the first place, I would be an opposite example to them.

Are these things mentioned impossible and difficult to have? Then why am I willing to do those things for you?

I have personally witnessed husbands like this, and I truly believe they haven't gone extinct. True manliness is not inborn; experience, love, and the right woman create it.

I know that challenges may arise, but I believe that by communicating openly and supporting each other, we can overcome anything. I appreciate your efforts and presence in my life, and I’m excited about the journey we can embark on together.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Heto nanaman tayo sa karupukan mo bruha ka. Lakas talaga tama mo dun eh noh?

: But he really looks good in his new haircut 🥺👉👈. I can't help it.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

When you try to build your trust and start to believe in his words again. Hoping that this time, he's more considerate and less apathetic.

But well, haha jokes on me!

Why would he consider you if you're not around for almost 4 yrs? Like duhh, even if you do so, he doesn't care btch. He's more concerned about the social life he has that he can socialize with anytime he wants than to your relationship that seems like a fiction for so long. Just accept the fact that you're not important. You're just a fling in the side that he'll reach out whenever he want to share his libido, not a partner in his eyes that is worthy of being part of his life. Why would he care about those boundaries? Of course he can do whatever he wants! He's like a single man anyway cause your not around, he doesn't care. Respect? Is that necessary? You're funny ghurl HAHAHAHAHA.

I heard a guy said, "Ngayon masaya na ko, okay na ko. Malaya ka na kung anong gusto mong gawin, kung kanino mo gustong sumama, kung kanino mo gustong makipag inuman. Walang magbabawal sayo, sila na bahalang pagbawalan ka. Ako hindi, wala na kong paki kasi hindi na kita pagmamayari. Hindi ako ang kumalas sayo, ikaw ang kumalas sa akin. Kaya alis na."

That hit me hard.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

I still want to hug him so so bad...

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Midnight Relapse

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

UNRESTRAINED

We broke up in November weeks before my birthday, but it's ironic that I can't straightforwardly tell my friends and classmates that 'We're over'.

...

"Si Giban oh, parang stress na stress na." saad ng kaklase ko habang pinag mamasdan akong parang bata na nag d-drop test ng snowflakes na ginawa ko gamit ang illustration board upang patunayang matibay ito. 'di ko na napansin ang pagkatanggal ng tirintas sa kaliwang bahagi ng aking buhok, dagdagan pa ng walang ka suklay suklay kanina pang umaga kaya nagmukhang bruha ang lola niyo.

Imbis na mainis sa komento nila ay tinawanan ko lang sila at pasimpleng tinanggal ang pagkakatirintas ng nawalan ng tali at inayos ng bahagya ang aking buhok.

Ipinagpatuloy ako ang ginagawa kong pag aayos sa snowflakes na hawak ko at di na pinansin ang mga chismisan ginagawa nila.

"Giban! Giban!..." nakuha ulit ng atensyon ko ang tawag sa akin ng kaklase kong lalaki dahilan upang unti unting humakbang papalapit sa kumpulan nila sa lamesa. "Ano?"

"Engineer o nag aaral?" bigla niyang tanong na ipinagtaka ko.

"Huh? yung?"

"Engineer na ba or nag-aaral pa?"

"Ano? Yung alin?" naguguluhang tanong ko.

"Yung boyfriend mo daw ba, Engineer na ba o nag aaral pa?" sagot naman ng isa kong klaklase.

Napakunot ang noo ko ng mapagtanto kung ano ang tinutukoy nila. Pano napunta sa ganitong topic and chismisan nila? At bat parang mga lalaki na ngayon ang chismoso sa relasyon ng iba?

Bahagya akong natahimik at ilang minutong 'di alam ang isasagot. Bakit ngayon pa nila itinanong toh? Ngayong hindi kami ayos at hiwalay na.

"Ahh...nag-aaral pa."

"Ano ba course?"

"Ano... Mechanical."

...

Mapait akong napangiti ng palihim... Kung alam lang nila.

"Saan nag aaral? Dito lang ba?"

"H-hindi, asa probinsiya namin."

"Saan ba probinsiya mo nun?"

"Sa Leyte."

"So LDR kayo?"

"Ano..oo"

Pasimple akong yumuko at inabala ang aking sarili sa hawak kong card board habang sinasagot ang mga tanong nila. Ramdam ko ang hiya dahil hindi ko inaasahang mapasabak sa hotseat ng wala sa oras. Pero di ko matago ang ngiti na pilit kumakawala sa aking labi.

"Talaga LDR kayo? Share mo nga sa amin. Ano sekreto?"

"Ahh, wala" awkward na sabi ko, hindi ko alam kung pano ipapaliwanag sa kanila na wala na kami at huli na sila sa balita. Ngunit gayon pa man, di ko kayang tanggalin yung ngiti na nagpapakita sa mukha ko lalo na't siya ang pinaguusapan.

"Ganyan pala kiligin si Giban, namumula oh."

"Hala hindi ah!"

Bahagya na kong lumayo sa kanila at pinagpatuloy ang ginawa ko sa kabilang lamesa. Mga lalaking toh daig pa mga babae napaka chismoso.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Different life views

Hi! It's been a while since my last entry here. My silence for a long time simply means I'm happy and my relationship is doing great, that everything about us is okay. Well... you get it why I'm here again, don't you? haha

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

I still mention you to my friends/ classmates. Just like the old times. I still smile whenever I tell them about us. Loud and proud to tell them some of the good things we have and mention you everytime there's an opportunity or event that reminds me of you. Yep, I haven't told them that we broke up. Don't really know how to do so... my inner self was telling me how delusional and crazy am I for mentioning you despite not having the right to own you nor say to them we are still together. Maybe I'll look for an opportunity to tell them someday...

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Potanggeennnaaa~

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Somehow i find my self pitiful and corny... I would literally like to knock myself to a wall repeatedly and say these words just to wake myself up from the reality...

"Bruhhh look at the guy na iniiyakan mo! The guy you're getting depressed with! The guy that's the reason you can't sleep and can't focus. He's living his own life contentedly and happily. He's starting to create connections with girls and with other people. He's starting to live his life without being bothered about you. You already ended things with him just for you not to get hurt but why are you still hurting?? Why are you still crying over the same guy that doesn't care whether your still kicking or alive? Why are you still checking his accounts to know how he's doing? Isn't it enough that you're already hurting while witnessing how he started to be close to the girls that you don't like him to do the most before? He has the right, right? He has now his own freedom to do whatever he wants! You know exactly that this is what he wants right? And staying with him will just make you question your self worth and your importance to his life knowing that he would rather please girls than to stay to your pathetic side! He's living his life to the fullest! Hanggang kelan ka mag mumukmok???? Hanggang kelan ka mag papakatanga?! Gaga magising kana! He doesn't care about you and that's final! He doesn't remember you and little by little he's starting to move on and forget you. You both ended things up, you choose to end things because staying will just hurt you but why are you still hurting now? Tanga mo naman gurll mag mahal. Ang tanga tanga mo! Please pity yourself. Please pilitin mo sarili mong kalimutan siya! Please pilitin mo sarili mong ibaling ang atensyon sa iba! I know it's too hard for you to start over again but look at him? Papayag kabang siya lang yung sumasaya at sinisimulang kalimutan ka? I know you love him so much... But again.. gurll that guy doesn't care about you! Maybe he doesn't love you the ay that you do . So, start and fix your own fucking life! Masaya na siya diba? He's happy! He's doing good! He's doing the things he like to do! He's doing great! Aren't you happy for him? Sapat nang dahilan yon para simulan mo narin buuin sarili mo. I know you're broken inside, but please pity yourself! You're the only one who can mend yourself. Help yourself... kase yung taong inaasahan mong tutulungan kang pagaanin ang loob mo ay mas pinili naring talikuran ka, kalimutan ka, pabayaan ka, di ka ipaglaban at di ayusin ang gulongginawa niya sayo. Nag mahal ka lang naman diba? So please please pleaseee.... gurlll help yourself and accept he reality that you're not the girl he's willing to fight for and stay with during your internal turmoil. He's living the best, you should be happy for him and stop crying.... please stop checking on him just for you to end up slapping yourself with the reality, the break up doesn't bother him..."

:')

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

You got the Puppy Love and the Intense Love... but 'maybe' not the Unconditional Love :')

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

How to unlearn the things we used to do? Where do I start? How do I start?

Up until now I still find myself crying fckkk. Ang hirap mennn

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Dejavu

May 20 and May 21, same date but different year.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

The Starting Point

Hahaha honestly I didn't visit our convo for a long time, in messenger or in instagram. I am never fan of back reading unless I want to remember or check something. But upon reading this post way back, I can't help but to smile. I don't want to be delusional nor expect things between us, however I wonder how are we doing right now, what our topic is all about, are we this sweet or more than happy than this is we still have our conversation?

And suddenly I realized how much I miss you... focc.

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Boys will never understand

I can't help but to laugh sarcastically and smile bitterly as I read the messages of one of his friends, that happens to be one of my friend too, whenever he tries to defend him or say something good about him. I consider him as one of the biggest fan of our relationship, greatest shipper as they say. Our convos were mostly triggered if someone is asking for an assistance or something. But out of nowhere, he recently try to say something good about you or defend you, as if he's trying to help to fix what's between us. What a good friend, isn't he?

But eventually, his words doesn't help at all. Worst is it makes me realize the nature and how the boys understand things That's why I can't help but to make a face as the conversation progresses.

First, kala nila trinatrato mo ko ng tama kasi ang bait bait mo sa kanila pero di nila alam kung gano mo ako nasasaktan, kung gano mo ko napapaiyak gabi gabi dahil sa mga ginagawa mo at mga pinipili mong gawin kahit alam mong masasaktan ako. You make me feel that I was easy to replace kasi marami nga namang mga babaeng nakapalibot sayo, you make me feel that I was never your priority, you make me feel that I'm not that important to you and so on. They will never understand that pain as they are not the one who experience it first hand. Sometimes I wish I was them, I was those girls you're close with... kase isang tawag lang sila sayo andun kana agad, you want to look funny around them just to make them laugh, you want them to feel comfortable around you. Why can't you show that side to me then? Sometimes I feel like you just want me to stay just for your own convenience.

Second. Micro or not, cheating is cheating. And if you add up all those micros together, wouldn't they become a 'whole' cheating itself? Lalo na kung napaka rami na mismo nun. I can still remember the names of the girls that you chatted with, that you interacted with, that you compared to me with. What I don't like the most is being compared you know? Making feel that I'm not good enough, that someone is better than me who can satisfy you more. From my looks, down to my body, down to my personality. I remember every SINGLE MOMENT that you compared me to others and make me feel that I'm not good enough. It was painful to see you admire or compliment other girls as if I'm not the one you're talking to. This is also one of the reason why I don't like you around them cause unconsciously, you'll become insensitive to your words. Damo maghusay nim nakitan diba? Damo it buutan, damo it mas approachable, hira it mas attractive, hira na tanan. So everytime you compliment me, dire na kamatuuran. When did I do that to you? Gin pamukha ko ba haim na I have so many choices in front of me to the point that I look down on you? Cause I only remember na no matter how many choices I have, I'd still choose you bis pa hira V an aada atubangan. Kadamo na time you make me feel that I never become your first choice and most of the time, gusto ko iparamdam haim it sugad lat. You're making my insecurities worst each day. I know I'm not perfect, but is that a reason for you para makigclose nan mamiling pan iba na masasangkay, makakaistorya, makakaupod, etc.

Thirsd. Do you really know your limit? Or para iyo na mga lalaki as long as waray sex or kiss na nagaganap it's not yet considered as cheating? Bruhh just by making other girl especial is already cheating. Giving them attention, consoling them, comforting them secretly behind your parners back is already cheating. Especially if they are not even aware na may uyab ka. Worst is maaram na may uyab ka pero nag susugad ka. You're not considering your partner's feelings.

Is it bad for me to wish that you'll experience that kind of pain first hand to the girl you'll love the most in the future, just for you to understand what it feels like? If you run around being the knight and shining armor of girls, then why don't you also run to them when you want to satisfy your sexual desires not to your partner tutal you already make yourself available to them, isn't that reasonable? Kase ang kapal naman ng mukha mong maging people pleaser sa ibang tao while you're disrespecting and draining your partner.

I'm not like this before. I let you go have fun with the boys, do whatever you want, and set me aside, do what you like, what you love, to watch, to play even to the point that you don't have any time for me...But I was just requesting for one thing... learn to distance yourself with girls if you can't help me lift up my confidence cause you just know how to make it worst. I was just asking for respect. For you to act "taken" in front of them. Is it difficult?

How can you help me gain my confidence back? :')

[mynotsosecretloveforhim]

Unrestrained Thoughts

Long time ago, when we started our relationship, aside from my Tumblr blogs, I actually created a page and a new account just to vent out my thoughts. At first, my goal in creating that FB account is just to share the journey we have, the things that I'm afraid to tell, how much I love you, my supposed to be messages everytime we celebrate our monthsary and anniversary, and how much thankful I am to have you around. I even have those screenshot of our short convos which gives me butterflies back then. I want to put our memories into that account, wishfully thinking that maybe... maybe someday... we will read it side by side and laugh at those memories together. But unfortunately, those supposedly happy entries at first were soon covered by rants and post about heartache, agony, sadness, disappointment and despair.

Whenever I scroll into that account, I realized just how much I've been through. How much I love you and how many times I forgave you. It became a record and diary during our fights, break ups and so on. Just like a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. A road of uncertainty. My post there were mostly due to our cool off, misunderstanding etc. Year 2022 to recent, it goes like that.

But when I came to the previous post where those sweet memories where kept, I cant help but to reminisce those. The time when I was so innocent, the time when I still trust you the most, the time that I have no idea what you're doing behind my back, the time when I'm not aware of the girls your chatting and playing with. Perhaps these are the reasons why I end up being paranoid, overthinker or toxic. The reason why that innocent and loving girl turned into a worrier.

Am I a fool for not noticing it sooner? Or am I a fool for not acting and cutting off our connection as soon as I learned those. This is my fault for being hopeful. Hopeful that you'll change, that you'll choose me over those things, that you'll avoid things that will hurt me because I openly told you what makes me uncomfortable. Hopeful that you are sincere with your words, your love, your promise, your sweetness and the way we look forward towards the future together.