mymartyrdom

[mymartyrdom]

TW: COCSA, violence, pedo, zoo, suicidal themes and psychotic thoughts (I have subclinical psychosis, both from my mother and father genes).

When I was 13 my first friend, a 17 years old boy tried to befriend me only to blackmail me to send nudes, that he shared with his friend in order to bully me. I thought it was my responsibility to make him happy, with my body.

After, two years, I meet another boy, I was 15 and he was 16.

He gave me affection, and I was happy.

But he wanted more.

I had the psychotic thoughts about an entity controlling me and ordering me to satisfy and make everyone happy, and sacrificing or to physically punish myself.

He exploited this by crying when I told him "no" to perform sexual act.

But he guilt-tripped me so I accepted.

For two years I had to satisfy every kink he has.

He was a pedo (he watched pedo videos online) and a zoo, so he made me behave like a dog. I can't even look at s dog without shaking, they remind me of me.

He also wanted me to act like his son.

One time he pinned me down with strength, but I managed to escape because we were in my room and my parents were in theirs. He couldn't get caught. But then he put him on his lap, forced eye contact with me and told me how much I was in wrong to reject him.

I often idealized him but it alternates with me hating him and one time I had an hysterical crisis when I was laughing and having a panic attack, starting to threaten him to death.

In those years, he used to strangle me, making me pass out multiple time. I nearly died and maybe, I was fine with it.

One time I had an autistic shutdown and I couldn't speak, so he got angry and hit my head with a remote controller and tried to strangle me.

Then he cried and I had to make him feel better.

When I cut contact of him, I regularly, once in months, to write to him and let out all my hate, but sometimes I get attached, but he replied with a rude demeanor so I started hating again.

I orderer him to tell what he did to his mother, but turns out that he already did it, but his mother was gentle and understanding with him and she sent him to a psychologist. Is that a joke? My past psychologists always victim blamed me, and he get coddled and spoiled.

After I cut contact with him, I started to sexualize myself.

I sent nudes to random strangers and to a pedophile.

I had a toxic relationship with a guy, and I couldn't stop to sexualize myself because I thought it was needed in order to be loved. Then I started to feel disgust, but when we broke up I sexualized myself again in order to get his attention. Now he's gone.

It's been a year that I don't have any sexual contact, but sometimes I want to relapse and give my body to all the internet, and humiliating myself, just to be punished.

I was already a broken mess, but he managed to make me worse.

[mymartyrdom]

If only the bar where I tied the knot didn't break.

I only could taste death, I lost all my senses.

Then I woke up in the floor, my parents were back home.

Another failed attempt.

[mymartyrdom]

CONSUME ME.

The desire of be stripped to the bone, in order to obtain even a single crumb of love. The hate that I'll feel after giving a body that I don't really want it to being used.

[mymartyrdom]

I hate what you did to my frail body and to my rotten mind.

[mymartyrdom]

TW: vomit, eating disorder, self-harm, suicidal ideation, sexual trauma mentions.

It's VERY graphic so if you're not in the mental state please don't read.

I want to puke, my days are filled with a nauseating sentiment. I can't eat, I can just eat a little lunch, but when it comes to dinner my nausea is so strong that I can't stop throwing up everything. Sometimes if that feeling is too strong I purge to try to make it go away.

I want to harm myself.

My thigh is covered with more than fifty scars. I always wanted to do it, but when I picked the cutter I had no emotion, so I couldn't harm myself. But when it comes to adrenaline rushes, I can't stop to cut, cut and cut. It feels so bad that it's good.

Cutting like this is new to me, I use other methods to hurt myself, like choking with some scarf or punching my head or jaws. It seems more natural, instinctive, crude.

Deprivation of oxygen is like getting high, but it hurts like hell and becomes boring after some minutes. I even get bored when I try to kill myself. But I'm surely fucking up with my brain.

When I was young I used to burn myself with lightener. The scars are almost invisible but they are still there. I don't do it anymore.

I want to cease to exist. I can't bear the pain, the loneliness, the mood swings anymore.

I'm disable and the persone who I love moved far away. I have a friend here but I rarely see her.

I don't have anyone else. When even she will go away, I will be even more isolated than now.

I can't move from here, I need my parents to take care of myself for the bare minimum. I dropped highschool for my extreme anxiety and I can't work. I'm doomed.

I just want love and some cuddle, some company, some warmth.

I want some hands touching me, tenderly, without malice.

I don't want to feel his disgusting touch anymore.

I ache for warmth, but I will remain cold for the rest of my life.

[mymartyrdom]

i'm literally the priest's favorite sacrificial lamb because i am so docile and sweet and i hold very still when they put the rope around my neck and i trot along so happily while they lead me to the altar and they do not even have to tie me down because i lie so very still and only bleat once or twice in my lovely lamb voice and when the knife comes down it cuts through me like butter and i offer no resistance and i bleed so prettily all over my new white wool and my guts all unspool like the most beautiful shining yarn and my eyes are animal and dumb and hold no accusation and every time i die i come right back as another little lamb because the priest loves me so so much and he always chooses me for the sacrifice every time and he always places one hand on my small and twitching nose to calm me while he lifts the knife and he doesn't do it for the other lambs only me because i'm his favorite

[mymartyrdom]

Greetings, this is my first vent blog, a mean to find some support and opinions about my life, as well as let out my thoughts.

I try to remain more anonymous as possibly but I would like to give some info about me.

I'm a nineteen years old who lives in EU. I was diagnosed with autism, ocd psychosis depression, anxiety and eating disorder. I suspect I have adhd (inattentive type) as well, but I need to get evaluated better. Also I have subclinical psychosis.

Other than that, I'm a transmasc non-binary person, I go by he/they. I am biromantic and asexual.

This blog contains really dark topics. I suggest to be careful, because I go with the details.

Some of those triggering topics are:

sexual abuse

suicidal attempts and ideation

eating disorder

emotional codependency

body dysphoria

That's all. See you soon.