mylonelydiaries

[mylonelydiaries]

Where do you turn when there’s nowhere to turn?

Where do I go?

I’m literally so fucking over living like this. I’m sad all the fucking time. I just want peace dude like just a little bit of sanity would be fucking nice

- 271020

[mylonelydiaries]

You aren’t spicy white. That shit fucking KILLS me, you really wanna escape your race so bad huh? Stop acting like you just happened to be white and take advantage of the privilege you have instead of pretending you’re like me.

On another note SPICY WHITE DOES NOT FUCKING MEAN YOURE MIXED! MIXED MEANS YOURE MIXED. I’m not spicy white spicy white isn’t a fucking thing I’m fucking mixed.

- 290920

[mylonelydiaries]

I miss my mum and dad bro. I fucking miss them

- 120920

[mylonelydiaries]

So basically everytime something small happens to me and I get upset I imagine getting into a really bad car accident and hope that those people feel bad.. I’m okay

-150720

[mylonelydiaries]

I had a bad dream that I was brutally murdered down the street from my house after being pulled over by the police last night. I really hope that wasn’t a premonition man. Fuck that

-070720

[mylonelydiaries]

Meh

I think. My drama class is ruined for me. I quite literally can not even open my theatre restaurant script without thinking about Antonia asking me if i can do those things, which then makes me think about that night. How do I stop myself from feeling so uneasy? When will I feel safe again? I can’t even think about my drama class anymore. It makes me so, just blank. And it’s like it’s so hard to accept because I really don’t remember what happened. Like how can you claim something happened when you don’t know what actually happened. Like yeah I’m 100% I was taken advantage of but how do I know details if I blocked it all out. Where did those memories go? I am not at peace not knowing them, I want to remember so I can forgive and move on but I can’t. I hate this. Am I a terrible person?

- 070720

[mylonelydiaries]

I feel like a part of me can’t speak at all. Anything I feel like I could say isn’t good enough. A part of me and I hate myself for having to think like this is, thinks ‘damn I’m white passing I’m not in danger, thank god right?’. The reality is we are in danger. It’s a scary time and to be fucking real with y’all, I’m scared.

I am not white and I’m scared.

I’m scared I’ll be pulled over and killed, I’m scared I’ll be hurt. I’m scared for my life. I’m scared for my brothers and sisters out there risking their lives but I’m also scared to help and risk my own.

Where’s the off switch of this? Where can I bury these issues so that no one will find them?

What will happen if I encounter a police officer who’s having a bad day?

What will happen if I get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Who will save me?

Black lives matter, they matter more than ever right now.

-310520

[mylonelydiaries]

Girls assault too. Girls are manipulative. They make everything you touch feel different, unsafe. Locks don’t feel safe anymore. Showers, bathrooms, mirrors, green shampoo bottles, shower fans, glazed windows, curtains, towels, friends, girls don’t feel safe. Girls don’t feel safe anymore. All this time spent thinking about that day and I still don’t feel safe. When I drive past that house on my way to school listening to my new favourite song everything slows down for a second and a cold dark feeling takes over. It’s only for a second but long enough for me know, remember what happened. I hate myself for letting that happen and I hate her for doing to me. But for some reason I never want to see her life ruined.

- 060420

[mylonelydiaries]

How do you look at someone that’s even the same gender as your abuser? I honestly think being assaulted turned me straight

- 180120

[mylonelydiaries]

So like we been knew I got sexually assaulted but like homie having such a detailed description of the story posted online makes me so uncomfortable seeing I don’t even know half the story. Blocking out trauma is a real coping mechanism and I would just like to tell anyone who sees that you and your emotions are still valid no matter much of said incident you remember

-070120

[mylonelydiaries]

I’m a dumb bitch and packed my diary away with all my other books so welcome to my second diary and enjoy my long ass messy, deep and personal entries that should really be written somewhere no one will ever find them. Enjoy x

-050120

[mylonelydiaries]

Whenever I tell my friends something that is like super important to me and they laugh at me in a joking manor and like it kinda stings I’ve realised I just don’t talk about that part of me to anyone after that moment. For example one time I told one of my friends about a lion tattoo I wanted and they laughed at me and I honestly don’t think I’ve mentioned getting an animal tattoo with them since. Matter a fact I don’t think I’d ever talk tattoos with them again out of fear they’ll laugh at me again. It actually made me feel really bad about wanting it and now I can’t stop overthinking every idea I have. Fuck that

-050120

[mylonelydiaries]

Sometimes I think about some real fucked up times in my life and imagine telling those stories to people and then I think about how I wouldn’t cry when recalling them. Dude I’m so  desensitised from my own fucking traumatic events that I don’t even feel emotion towards them anymore. Wtf is wrong with me

-040120

[mylonelydiaries]

i can’t wait to stay up til midnight on new years eve and watch 2019 die.

-311219

i can’t wait to stay up til midnight on new years eve and watch 2018 die.

-311218

[mylonelydiaries]

My goals for 2020 include the following

- be healthier

- be present

- be happy

[mylonelydiaries]

My parents got me $100 for Christmas. I might cry. I though we weren’t doing Christmas. I love them man

-251219

[mylonelydiaries]

I sent a nude. Like not a nude nude but a titty pick. Given it was from the other day I still sent one. I’m like lowkey really happy with out far I’ve come. So happy

-241219