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as i get older i may forget the kind of person i was: - post college, before work, retail job, i would...
frequent barnes and noble. im such a cerebral person, b&n is so enriching. i feel connected, fed, inspired, uplifted, seeing the thousands of books and concepts. i grab a frappucino and chocolate cupcake or cookie from the cafe and sit outside. i dont surrender my table. this was right after i started work in feb 2017 lol. silly. i know whats right and stick to it.
i was still contemplating my art hobby at the time. still holding onto that path possibility until recently where now im somewhat interested in management. i will know when the time is right, or will i? is it like kids, becoming a manager? theres never a right time? honestly what are things i want to improve to become my ideal self as a manager?
i need expert emotional control, meaning, maturity, understanding, forthright, communicative, patience best of all. anxiety is horrible because it transfers. actually all feelings transfer. did ya know that? and also, i realized this in 2017, that our reactions and non verbal communications are 10 x stronger than we think. we are NOT subtle at all. if you feel it, people will know it, unless theyre dense as a rock. thats why its important to do inner work healing so that people can respect and trust you. when i look at myslef i dont see a manager yet. i....honestly just feel like i look like a kid. i weigh the same as i did in the 9th grade for crying out loud. yet my body feels weighed down trapped limited. i lay in bed when i work all day. if i spend a day walking around my back hurts because its not used to supporting my body for that long anymore. ugh i wonder if a 15 min walk would even help but damn i just dont know. theres only 1 way to find out.
looking at my old work emails i sounded so unhinged lmao like whats up with all the 300 simultaneous thoughts captured in parantheses. bro you dont need to let everyone know youre that weird. im still a spazz but keep it at home.
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may i never lose my vision. even something as small as ... my interior decor. embrace my life. fashion. art, beauty. i feel i am slowly finding myself again. how do i get back to who i was, before i met him? who was i back then? very motivated, confident, driven, competitive, but was i also....frustrated? was i truly though? i dont remember how i felt in 2017 becuase i didnt write. actually no in 2017 i loved gia and alex and going to work i felt like such a boss and now i almost am one lol. i am a boss in some scenarios for sure. like hey you, do xyz. its really had to describe happiness and just like its hard to describe depression. a child just sees the world so much richer, everything has possibility and beauty and excitement. i still see many things like a child, but i have to acknowledge the bad too for my own safety. we might take kitty for a stroll this evening..sunset at 6:51.tomorow our moms meet for the first time. im sure it will be fine. share some stories here and there. my mom is so chill and extroverted. his is too. i just want to kinda fast forward to it....on another note i feel like unwinding and having a relaxing evening. clean, do nails, stroll kitty outside...weather is so crisp and feels like fall/winter. all those good vibes are coming back. i feel revitalized. especially after drinking 1% organic no sugar kefir!
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hi just real quick preni had another dream about us! VIVID too. she came over and i told N "go bring him" and he brought out a cute chubby baby boy, our baby! ahhhh i hope it comes true (duh). she dreamt of her other pregnant friend too and it was true so she's definitely psychic. MAN this is ALL i want dammit! i don't need work promotion or another home (for now...........) right NOW is the time for a baby! I WANT A BABY NOW! A baby boy! A healthy beautiful baby boy! Due on.....JUNE 3, 2025! how's that for a bday present! 6.3.25 :') L I E V <3 born 6.3.25, 8.2 pounds.
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damn not even 2pm yet. its sunny and warm, but in mornings foggy and cold. at night SUPER windy and cold! ughhh. beach life livin. ok i really want to stay ready so i dont have to get ready...for days i have to go into work or if i ever switch back to on site work. potential 2+ hour commute. LOOK, life is all about finding solutions to your problems. are you really gonna let some dumb trivial problems hold you back from excelling? you could EASILY be an admin 2, and gosh darnit a senior admin i bet! you are a force to be reckoned with. your face just screams do not mess with me! i know my shit! and i will chew you up and spit you out! i am a product of my parents! heart of gold and devious mind. stay on my good side. im a people reader. i can play the game. so how would i make working in the office enjoyable? i hate how greasy and dirty i feel in the afternoon. so..... - find some fresheners from any potential BO, sweatiness. wipe & reapply deoderant - blot oily face and touch up makeup ESPECIALLY worn off lipstick so you dont look like a 90 year old that cant see/apply lipstick - use the damn bathroom throughout the day, dont be a dry sponge, and wash hands thoroughly then apply lotion - always smell good. mints/gum/scented lotion/travel perfume - you better have damn flats in the car - have a blanket in the office if it gets chilly. aint no reason to be shivering. this is 2024. - drink warm drinks like tea - make sure nails are nicely done since people stare at HANDS! - keep tongue scraper, pads, panty liners, extra panties in a little bag
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funny moments of the day: behind hidden behind the game machines at del amo mall for like an hour while N is in the food court lol. i was taking care of business! Murpee loved the little green toy ball. the other day i was doing dishes while N was sleeping and he said he woke up and felt like gordon ramsey. today i wiped my mouth and said gimme a bopipo and it was so funny and aggressive. t'was a good day. everyone was so nice at the del amo mall. i feel so much kinder when i wear softer colors! after we went to 85 degree bakery and then a japanese chestnut cafe. i love being spontaneous. kendra scott has the nicest jewelry!! for christmas maybe ill get the short brown uggs...ugh but i hate wearingg what everyone else wears its embarrassing lol. but i also like it because it helps me feel connected to others :( I'm torn. i wish i had more friends :'( i wish i had more connection......how?
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i feel most sad about things i can't go back and change. I'm so sorry to my mom that i wasn't there for her when she needed support. i was ignorant unaware and too emotionally stunted. when her mom passed i don't think i even consoled her once, no hug. i wish i could've been for her then what i am now. where did she find strength? i feel so sad, i feel like my rescue is too late now. i can try to help her as much as possible but it will never be enough. it would take another 30 years to make up for it. she will be 83. oh my sweet mother. what can i do to help you be happy and not feel sadness.
on a surface level note, finally got my vw tires changed and made oil change appt for thursday. it went so smooth. i want to appreciate my vw more... i hope a parking spot will be given to me for free or a good price. it would make my life so much easier and less stressful.
i really hope my sis moves back. i keep getting a feeling she doesn't like her life and wants to escape it. its so effed up that he's keeping her there. he needs to make his end of the sacrifice now. its just wrong.
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8:29 am super gloomy. hiiii, omg i got a parking ticket! on Tuesday i prudently moved my car, but instead of a Mon spot I moved to a Wed. WHY! i realized on thursday. sigh. its only $70 at least, maybe a good lesson. i think i should set reminders on my phone at 715 & 730 am every Tue, Fri & Sun. tomorrow im going to american tire dept in the good to get my 2 front tires replaced....OMG i think im going alone im a little nervus. PLS give me strength to intimidate the employees so they dont mess with me lmao or try me. keep answers short. maintain eye contact. lets seeee do i have any plans after......no :| lol wow. thats fun though, leaves the day open for possibilities. i mean, i could do laundry, whole foods...meh ill see. omg im binge watching the dallas cowboy cheerleaders its so addicting because its fun watching dancing, its inspiring seeing strong women physically with their endurance and flexibility and emotional strength, and they're girly girls like me duh so what's not to love!!!! i wish there was an ice skating version of this lol. TLC please make an ice skating journey show. next winter olympics are february 2026. 17 months way. 17 months ago was march 29 2023 and i was BARELY recovering from covid. that was a horrible horrible difficult time because i also had to commute through heavy traffic 2-3 hours and work my dreadful-ish job. and struggling with whats going to happen with having a kid.....sigh. so 17 months from now where the heck will i be? a manager? with child? where will we live? i love the possibilities....it gives me hope. if i knew everything, would i like that?
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i love tumblr. it is an old part of my, that is tangible, that remains. archived. it's like the akashaki records or w/e but in this realm. i had my pelvic ultrasound on monday. my period came the next day. the sonographer was truly an angel. the process was so smooth. i had a feeling i would be ok. sure enough, that 8cm cyst is gone. wow. i prayed so much. i stared out my bedroom window talking to my angel guardians and everyone who could help me. i dreamt of rita and she was radiant. a day before my last doc appt preni had a beautiful dream that i was full term pregnant. i've just had so many uplifting signs to support me emotionally during this time. i recently had a thought that this location, our current beachside home, is a portal or realm to the heavenly gates. to the spiritual world. its thousands of miles of lush, pristine, untouched nature. i feel so blessed to be here. when i was in my little room living with my parents, i never imagined i could have this. i do terribly miss and yearn for that feeling of home, with my parents, my mom, that feeling of time feeling "stuck", or still. at the time i was so frustrated that everything felt stuck. now i feel like things are moving too fast and it makes me sad. life, please slow down (minus having a kid because thats overdue). i want it all but then i also want the past again. please do whats best for me...im just grateful that my health prayers were heard. i can focus on work and enjoying the holidays and all it's cheesiness. current interests: dallas cowboy cheerleaders show, cooking with hello fresh, umm...more youtube, preparing for disneyland. please god let my sister move back here soon.
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