mylifeinchapters

[mylifeinchapters]

Chapter 3

Woof so last night was a something. Nothing too special but it was the 2nd day of jam-packed activity and it left me very tired. After work I went back to my apartment because it is easier to do my online therapy with Jane from my apartment then from my parent’s house. I got there and started to prep dinner when I got a knock at the door and surprise. It was the landlord telling me he had not gotten to my bathroom yet. (sarcastic yay) So he told me that Thursday will be the day it will get done and again I was like “OK but the mold” which he seemed to brush off. The mold is bad, but it stopped smelling as bad, I guess. Still bad and still bad enough for me to sleep at my parents. After he left I jumped online to talk with Jane. We just went over the course of the week. It’s weird that I don’t recognize that my life is stressful until some is like “yeah I can understand your anxiety you’ve been experiencing a lot of change lately” and then I reflect on that and I go “yeah you’re right how did I miss that” I feel a bit dumb because it so obvious.

Then came the rough part Rainbow Circle. I truly don’t know what to do with this group. I want it to keep going but people keep not showing up. I also don’t have topics to really talk about. Pause for a second. Rainbow Circle is an LGBTQ+ Christian group that I facilitate. I’m not the leader I just sorta get people together but I also feel like I’m kind of the leader and it is fizzling. The only people who showed up were John and Maryann. Suzanne bailed at the last second and I was so upset because I wanted to chat with her and also because she would be some who would talk. I am not a talker. I am a reactor. I add to the conversation and add insight and quips, but I am not good at generating conversation. Thankfully John is a talker, so we mostly talked about John’s problems/questions.

Maryann is confusing. I don’t think she wants to be at Rainbow Circle. I think she feels obligated to go for some reason, but she doesn’t like a lot of the people there and I don’t think she likes me anymore and I know people don’t like her and are avoiding RC because she is there. It’s annoying to know that if I kicked out Maryann maybe 2 people who I do like would come back. But that’s not the Christian thing to do.

But the way I have been treated by Christians I don’t know if I would even consider myself a Christian anymore. I’m very burned out by Christianity and its rules that say I am not good enough because I am gay. I’ve lived with that way thinking all my life and it is bullshit! I hate it and I hate the people think less of the LGBTQ+ Christians. So why do a facilitate a Christian group. I don’t know anymore. The rules of being a good Christian that I grew up with are wrong. God has not changed, I still think God loves me as I am, a HOMOSEXUSAL!!!!  but I have grown past the teachings of my childhood, I understand more. To quote the Tilda Swinton from Doctor Strange, “You’re a man looking at the world through a keyhole. You’ve spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole, to see more, to know more. And now, on hearing that it can be widened in ways you can’t imagine, you reject the possibility.” Unlike Benedict Cumberbatch I have not rejected the possibility that God is bigger than the doctrine I was taught and that looking at the keyhole (AKA religion or God or faith) from a different perspective has given me a bigger idea of who God is. Not being stuck in rigid teaching has shown me more about myself and God. To quote Iroh from Avatar the Last Airbender, “It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If you take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale.” (honestly there are a ton of Iroh quotes. Maybe I’ll do post on them).

Then in what still feels like blasphemy I said out loud to people that I think other religions still lead to the same God and I know the 2009 version of me would have had a heart attack and would be very concerned for the 2021 version of me’s soul. I’m OK and I don’t know if that’s where I exactly land but it doesn’t feel completely wrong either so I am sitting with it for now. What started and as a conversation about John letting his son participate in communion transformed into a theological discussion on merits of institutionalized doctrine that goes against our understanding of who God is. In hindsight it was a good conversation and presents be me with a lot to chew. Like If the church is wrong about LGBTQ+ matters what else are they wrong about? How much of the teaching I learned as kid do I keep and what do I throw away? Can I even throw away aspects of a religion? If I do, aren’t I just created a new religion?  That’s why we have some many Christian denominations right? I think this is why I am still in the group even if it was just me and John talking. It challenges me and my views of God and I still, deep down, I want to be connected to a Christina group. I still like God and I still frame myself in relationship to God…even when it’s negative thoughts. It’s ingrained in me and I don’t think that is a bad thing. I closed out the night in prayer and I rushed to the gym.

I weighed myself before the Gym and I am still 190. Yeah, I have made some poor food choices since being at my parents but in no way has it been detrimental to my diet. I’ve been to the gym every day, and I have been eating within my calorie range…probably. I don’t eat all day and then I eat a ton of food at night and when I mean a ton of food let’s take last night as an example. Dinner was asparagus and salmon, very low calorie so I upped my calories by eating pumpkin seeds, then I ate some wild rice, but the big mistake was eating a giant frosted cookie the size of a CD. It was good but I also don’t know how many calories I ate. I had 1800 calories to play with so I should be fine…right?

I went to the gym and nothing crazy happened. I did back and 1 chest exercise. I avoided the personal trainer who is “helping me lose weight” because I have a session with him the next day. But man, personal trainer sessions are a rip off. They are so dumb. I am paying someone to be my spotter. Its dumb and I have not lost any weight. But I do like how I look. I’m giving off muscle bear vibes which is a look I really like. So I’m happy with how I look, I just want to lose some of the fat. I think I just want to define the chest more and sort of smooth out the gut. If I could look like the below picture I’d be happy.  

After the gym I shopped for pumpkin seeds and grabbed popcorn and chips. Popcorn just in case I got hungry and chips for the podcast. I won’t eat the chips until Monday. Then I went to my parents. At this point it’s 9pm and my mom is curiously still up milling around. She just wanted to watch TV with me I guess but I felt weird having her watch people explain the Dragonball Fighterz update patch so I decided to test my mom. I put on ContraPoints video essay about Envy. Would mom be bothered by a socialist transwoman talking about 1 of the 7 deadly sins? Since Natalie didn’t overtly say she was trans or a socialist it wasn’t a good test, but it was a good video even if it did put mom to sleep. I think we made it halfway through before I stopped it and she went to bed. I never got her feedback on the video and I don’t think I will ask. Is it weird that I am recounting the previous day in my journal entries….hmmmmm probably.

Work is boring and I just want the day to be over. 

[mylifeinchapters]

Chapter 2

So last night was an adventure. After work I dragged myself to the gym. Th gym was alright. I went without a mask because I would die in there if I wore one. Ironic I know. It’s the Xsport by my apartment. It’s very humid in there probably because the pool and whirlpool are separated from the gym by panes of glass. It’s bad and when there are 100 people generating heat because they are working out it sorta becomes impossible to breath. I worked the chest, trying to get my pecs smaller so my nipples don’t pop out of all my shirts. Even pasties can keep them down. I think I’m getting stronger? But I also feel very week. I can only bench 90lbs on a machine. And using machines already feels like cheating. I ran on the elliptical and thought I was going to die. Mostly because of the humidity in the gym. I did talk to this guy for 2 seconds. He was cute and had tats on his calf. The tats were none of the fandoms I knew so it wasn’t meant to be. It was nice though…boy am I thirsty for male interaction. Its probably why I have so many dating apps open. Well for now anyways, I am already tired of them.

After the gym I went down to the ½ Price Books nearby. I was looking to buy my book, the book I am reading for my monthly goal of 1 book a month, The Astonishing Color of After. Online it said it was $6.88 but when I found it in store it was $9.95 or something like that. I felt betrayed but it was just $10 so I grabbed it. I was looking around for gifts for Jess’s birthday when I started to peruse the Funko Pop section. Nothing stellar some overwatch characters and some Steven Universe characters that were just OK. I’m looking at you Pearl. But then I saw it, the best blue character on Steven Universe…Lapis Lazuli! “Score!” I thought, “I am buying this.” Then I looked at the price tag on the box and audibly gasped. She was $60 and I was like “fuck why!?!?” I did a quick google search and found that she was selling for over $100 in box. I put Lapis down because she was too expensive, but then I remembered when I passed on a really cool comic book at ½ Price Books. It was $40-$50 and too expensive. Days later I realized I wanted it but by the time I returned to the store it was gone. That memory, that experience of missing out on a comic book is the reason why I have Lapis now. I don’t know if she should stay in the box, be out of the box and on a shelf, or if I should resell it for more money. Honestly, I am leaning toward out of the box and just keeping it in good condition. I really identify with Lapis.

After that I went to the closest Aldi. It was 5min away and on the way to my parent’s house. I am currently staying with my parents because my landlord is really taking his time fixing a leak in the upstairs apartment’s bathroom. The water is draining between the wall that my kitchen and the bathroom share. The leak has left a small hole in the ceiling of the kitchen and has done water damage on the bathroom side underneath the sink. It’s moldy now and smells. I am not happy. Anyways I am staying at my parents until the mold is removed. It’s been 3 days at this point. The landlord said he would fix the leak today, but not the mold today which I am like, ”but why! Fix it all please.” We will see what he does.

Back to Aldi. I get there and the parking lot looks very vacant and I think, “this is probably a shit Aldi I hope they have that I can buy.” I get closer and realize that it is closed. Like out of business closed. The annoying part is someone took the time to stop their car in the street, roll down their window and tell me that the store is closed. Thanks for nothing ass hat. I could tell. It wasn’t like I was trying to get into the store. As if I was slamming my body against the glass door hoping that the sensor would recognize that a body was trying to get in.  I wasn’t screaming and crying to let someone open up the door and let me buy groceries. That dude can fuck off. Yes the Aldi is closed, I got it without your help. You didn’t need you to point it out. I’m already embarrassed that I even parked and walked towards the store. In my defense all the lights were on.

 So I hopped in my car looking for a place I could get food on the way to my parents. I passed a couple fast food places but because I am trying to eat well on the weekdays (Fuck the weekend I eat what I want) I decided that Popeyes or Culvers wasn’t the best choice. I drove by a Vietnamese restaurant that had Pho in the title and I was like, “Hell yeah, that’s my dinner” and I did a big ass u turn. Despite the sign saying open, all the lights were out and it was clearly a closed business. Once again, I had found another dead store. I was so annoyed. Thankfully in the same strip mall there was an Indian restaurant and I was like, “OK cool this will do I guess.” I went in and it was just a wife and her husband making food. Its literally just a small kitchen that I could see into and seating in the front for maybe 20 people. It was tiny. I ordered the food and I got in 10min. There was a guy there and he seemed to have also just discovered the restaurant. He was talking to the wife and husband duo about tv shows. He was not very cute so I did not stare.

I got the food home and it was super good. A little bit cheaper than my usual Indian restaurant, but just as good and a ton of food. I blew all my calories on the meal. It was Jasmine rice, naan, and butter chicken. I did think of a vegetarian option but decided not to because I didn’t want to look dumb incorrectly pronouncing words on the menu. Anyways the food was great and because I didn’t eat anything all day I didn’t worry too much about the calories. I hung out with my mom for a bit. My mom is being very weird about giving me space. I am the one who is encroaching on them, not the other way around and it makes me feel weird that she’s acting like that. I don’t like it. I wish mom would be more assertive and tell me what she wanted instead of catering to what I want. I didn’t really see dad, I just said hello when I got in. The rest of the night was TV and recuperating from the gym. 

[mylifeinchapters]

Chapter 1

Hello Live Journal.

Yes I am aware that this is not live journal but I need to be journaling. Partly because my memory is sorta fading and I am scared I won’t remember important things. To quote Orko from the Kevin Smith He-man reboot “If you’re gunna lead the life of an adventurer you might wanna keep a journal. Write down everything you ever do. Even the silly stuff that you think is forgettable because when the adventures are over that all you’re left with. Good friends and happy memories” So yeah this is what this is. Me just writing shit down and remembering.

Today I have decided that I want to make a change. This tumblr is the start of that change. I want to learn to love myself and weirdly part of loving myself is changing myself. I need to work on improving my memory, by body, and my emotional state. I’ve decided to do some tangible things. I wish I started this on the 1st of the month, but today works I guess.

Goals

1.      I want to be 174lbs on October 30th

2.      I want to upload a podcast by September 1st

3.      Read a book every month. This month is The Astonishing Color of After

4.      Write something everyday

So I am about 186lbs now and I think it is an obtainable goal. I want to see if I can get my friend Rick to jump on the challenge with me. Maybe Cory too but he’s very competitive and weirdly has time to do everything. Like I don’t understand how a person works 40hrs a day and can rapidly advance in an RPG and read books and have game night/movie nights with friends and try to do a podcast and have a girlfriend. Like that sentence alone wore me out.  Anyways I hate feeling less than and I know this isn’t Cory’s fault but I feel like I am always trying to catch up with him and I don’t want to fee like that for 2 months.

I am doing a Podcast with Cory. I am embarrassed to say we have like 3yrs of content, and we haven’t uploaded any of it. Fingers crossed this is where I get it up on the internet for everyone to criticize me. Like I want to upload it but I also don’t for fear of backlash. It must be edited!!!

 I will be reading The Astonishing Color of After. I straight up found the book on Goodreads searching through the magical realism genre. This also seems to be a book about grief which is right up my alley.

I plan on writing in this journal every day. Pretty self-explanatory

Cant wait to write about my silly little fears and struggles while I go through life. This will be wild.