my2016blog

[my2016blog]

Crocus in the Churchyard.

[my2016blog]

cttos <33 pinterest

[my2016blog]

𝖻𝗒 𝖺𝖾𝗋𝗍 𝗏𝖺𝗇 𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝗋

[my2016blog]

Drawing rooms (2nd half of the 19th century).

Source: The Hermitage Museum

[my2016blog]

𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝖼𝗎𝗍𝗂𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁𝖾𝗌 𝗎 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗅𝗒 𝖽𝖺𝗒 ♡

𝗏𝗂𝖺: 𝖾𝗇𝗀𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗁𝗂𝗅𝗅_𝗓𝗈𝗈

[my2016blog]

Happy-meal & Anxiety

Today I am anxious, with no real reason to be. I'm alone at work, at my desk as I write this. the office is silent and too bright but if I sit still long enough the lights will turn off and the light from the window will be soft and peaceful.

I spent the morning reading Franny & Zooey and lounging with my cats. The drive to work was nice too, I got a happy-meal and ate it at my desk while I watched a documentary about the American secret police. Once I checked my email it was all downhill from there, three missed calls all wanting to pay overdue invoices, all upset when I needed additional information. Then a text from my boss to expect a visit from his parents at the office. All normal things, daily tasks I should be used to but that have sent my nervous system into shock.

On Friday I have tentative plans to see a new friend from work outside of the office for the first time, as much as I like her I want to cancel. I'm afraid I'll do something odd and embarrassing, ruin our friendship, and make working together awkward. As I've aged I have developed a new hideous flaw- I would rather miss out on opportunities of any kind than be uncomfortable or anxious or take a risk. I would rather drop out of school than write a bad paper, I would rather never meet anyone new than seem weird to a stranger. The very worst part is that I am too old to feel this way, I thought age would bring me confidence but I actually feel more insecure than ever and so confused about who I am. When I was younger I knew that insecurity was part of being a teenager but now that I'm in my twenties it feels humiliating and all-consuming.

I want to quit my job and school and hide cocoon myself away in my apartment until I feel better about myself. To better myself in any way that would change how I feel now would be to admit that I am unhappy in front of the world, to admit that I am inadequate and miserable and lowly and deserving of pity. I envy people who don't live inside their minds overanalyzing minute details of their appearance, and every interaction, and planning and scheduling conversations to be at just the right time about just the right things. recently I discovered that I consistently laugh at the wrong points during the conversation, my entire life I have been laughing too early, before a joke even happens because I sense that it is coming.

My mom and I just had the most horrible conversation. She did what she always does, beat a dead horse and make me sad. She is so excited to go on a trip two hours away to the most miserable college town so that she can visit the same museum she goes to four times a year. It's a provincial place with screaming kids and unwashed adults wandering around talking too loud and making fun of the art they don't understand. She will be gone for one night and even though I haven't lived at home since I was seventeen or spent a Friday evening with her in as many years she is adamant to make plans for me so I will not miss her. Go see your sister's devout baptist friend who will cook you a frozen Trader Joe's meal she says! Go watch the fireworks at the country club, I know a cute waitress your age who works there she can give you healthy eating tips! Why don't you just call up the bar your boyfriend works at and simply ask them to close for the holiday so that you can spend time with him!

[my2016blog]

Young Donna Tartt. You’re welcome.

[my2016blog]

Bad Dreams & Pierogies

I've had bad dreams for the past four nights. They aren't scary just vivid and complex and memorable. I carry them the entire day and they make everything feel strange. The last time I had a streak of odd dreams was the summer I turned eighteen, every night for two hot months I fell into a fitful sleep while clutching my strawberry mango vape. I was desperate to get out of my parent's house, and once I did the dreams ended. Like the universe could tell I wasn't ready for my spiritual awakening, like the dreams were a gift I couldn't accept yet. I went to college where I made a singular friend who now hates me. I lasted one semester before I moved into my sisters apartment and continued to do very poorly in life until the sudden death of two dear family members awoke me. At twenty I finally started to pull myself together but unfortunately, I am still recovering from my two lost years spent in bad company with a very messy room.

All that to say I hope these fitful dreams are an omen that things will soon shift. It feels like I am being offered a second chance at entering adulthood, a second transition, and hopefully, one I handle better than the first.

[my2016blog]

The Kiss, Gustav Klimt (1907-1908)

[my2016blog]

Happy Things

Puzzles

Books (especially Lemony Snicket & Donna Tartt)

Baking (muffins & crumpets)

Hot tea

Windows with views of trees

Cute stationery

Hot showers

Crisp drinks

Yoga

Having an organized closet

Nice candles

Autumn movies

The ability to forgive myself

Wearing pretty jewelry

Turning off my phone

Youtube documentaries

Learning new words

Snuggling kittens

My Grandpa

Hello Kitty & friends

Days off work

[my2016blog]

Headaches & Summertime

Lately, life has felt out of control, I feel like I'm never doing enough... and the truth is I'm really not. I need to start making things easier for myself and re-learn how to be human. I want to get off my phone and read real books, drink hot tea, do yoga at home instead of forcing myself to overpriced classes that give me anxiety and make it hard to breathe. I want to write everyday and have better posture and study languages and spend time with my cats.

It's nearly a hundred degrees every day now, just walking from my door to the car is miserable, and usually ends soaked in sweat. Even worse than the heat is the bright sunshine from six am until nine at night, it's ridiculous because it tricks the mind into believing you should be outside when the temperatures are too dangerous for even the most hydrated person to enjoy the outdoors.

So far this year has been difficult I have accomplished a lot, a high GPA that has reinvigorated my post-grad ambitions, done very well at work, and moved into an apartment with big windows with my best kitten friend and the love of my life but I don't feel like myself. I am tired all the time, obsessed with my phone, and I don't recognize myself. Having everything (success at work/school, and health/balance) seems like a daunting and impossible task but I know I have to work towards it. I wish I could see a day in the life of someone who doesn't struggle like I do so that I could copy them.

[my2016blog]

I'm twenty-two, but I pretend I'm not every day. I turned twenty-two two months ago and so far I don't like it. twenty-two feels older than all my other ages by far more than it is. Even though twenty-two is only a year older than twenty-one it feels like three years. I should be done with school, but I'm not even close to being done. Since my birthday I have thought about my older sister a lot, when she was my age she lived far from home in a luxury townhouse and traveled to Europe and never called her dad crying because she only had fifteen dollars in her bank account. She bought a new car and paid off her credit card every month and she was smart. I'm terrified of falling further behind and I'm very afraid that I won't live up to my potential or worse, that I never had much potential to start with.