my-what-ifs

[my-what-ifs]

October 9, 2022 3:08 PM

This isn’t a what if story, this is a confession.

To cut it short, I cheated.

I don’t even have the energy to explain anymore. I know what I did was bad, kahit nung wala pa talagang nangyayari, during the actual “cheating”, and even after. I can’t explain because I know whatever I say cannot justify the horrible thing that I did. It’s not valid, but I do have reasons. And again, I’m sure no one would understand.

I don’t think I’m in the right mind anymore. Na umabot na sa ganung point. Na gumawa na ako ng ganun kasamang bagay.

He’s a colleague. And what makes it worse is that he’s married and he’s got two kids.

Now that I think about it, he could’ve just said his reasons pero possible na walang totoo dun, or may mga hindi totoo. But it’s not the issue.

He flirts a lot, and idk, I think I’ll start to lay down my reasons here... I was not in a good place. I have never been in a good place. Hehe

Always daming problems, sa sarili, sa pamilya, and extended na din with Christian’s family, his incapability of deciding things on his own.

Siguro at that moment, when I started responding to all the flirtations, it served as a distraction on my part. I knew that he’s gonna be a problem, but I knew that it’s not gonna be as heavy as all the other problems that I currently have.

He flirts a lot, pati nga tawagan gusto niya pa, which is awkward to me. He even said “I love you” through the phone call although it obviously sounded fake. Ang empty ba, just said it for the sake of saying it, so I laughed and hanged up on him.

One day, nagpunta siya ng office, and this is where the actualization of the cheating started. (It was Sept 21 haha #NeverAgain) We made out in one of the fire exits of the building. I’d say 10-15 mins. Pero wala kasi talagang preno bibig ko, did I really have to mention to him na there are people who know that he’s “flirting” with me? Lol pero the way I’m typing this, and the way I told this to a good friend (Engr. Jobee) I know that I sounded like “dapat di ko na sinabi para di sya nag-backout/natakot” something like that. Kasi right after that, on the very next day, sinabi niya sakin na he was glad about what happened, but we should stop. The nerve right? A very gago and kupal move.

We’ve talked about a lot of things, it’s just that there’s no romantic feelings involved, and well, I mentioned this to Jobee yesterday, and I think the reason that I went for him is attracted ako sa kanya. Well, wala pa naman ako sa stage (wala “pa”?? talaga ba?? haha) na ipaglalaban ko sya or makikipag-agawan ako sa asawa niya. Kasi nga, afaik, he clearly stated na walang maiinlove. Not that I’m in love with him. Lol pero he’s kinda my type.

Anyway, we’ve even talked about his kids. Basta, super dami, okay maybe not super, pero as much as I can, hindi ko masyado finocus sa “amin” yung lahat ng pag-uusap namin.

There was a planned meet up, and it’s supposed to be on October 4. Right after we made out, he told me we should stop on Sept 22, and I tried to play it cool. But it’s the truth, I don’t want to complicate things, so I just said “okay”. Pero syempre at the back of my mind, I kept on overthinking things, things like, did I do that badly para umayaw sya kaagad, was it because of the braces LOL but see? Kung gaano ako kasama? I was sad that it was over.

So after that, he was civil with me for like a week, basta from Sept. 22 to Oct 2. We did not talk about it further. I didn’t want to look or sound desperate that I’d cling on to him.

But then Oct 3, nag-chat siya sakin, and he’s saying that don’t think it’s ridiculous. Lol he wanted the planned meet up to happen! (HAHAHA oh boy) And I agreed, walang patumpik tumpik. Maybe I’m just this kind of girl, malandi, maharot.

You see, I even left work early for him, I treated him to coffee, and I even paid for the room. Lol pero ang dating ng sinabi niya sakin, is sa 300 lang daw ba sisingilin ko pa siya, tsaka ko na raw siya singilin kapag libo na. Lol

I even mentioned that we can’t have sex, kasi nga I’m on my period that time. Pero he was insistent. I’m not sure if he enjoyed it, I kinda did but it’s not something na hahanap hanapin ko. Truth be told, he’s not that good. Even with the kiss.

Aside from the fact that we’re both cheating, and apart from the “attitude” na pinakita niya sakin regarding dun sa pagbayad, he was actually sweet. Hahahaha sis are you hearing yourself rn (eh kasi?? I was kinda banging my head sa headboard while he was doing me, so inadjust niya ko,,,hahaha wtf am i saying) I even got instant pictures with him. Lol (him saying: baka naman gamitin mo pa yan pang threat sakin)

Anyway, hinatid niya naman ako ulit hanggang SM San Lazaro, but our time was cut short kasi he needs to go back to the site.

So I hated his attitude about paying, and I hated that after the sex, he talked to me in “business” mode. He started talking about working for the company, about colleagues, na hindi ko gusto btw lol, things like that. I know na hindi naman ‘to school, na ano ba, was I waiting for feedback or something? Lol I guess he cut me off right there, I even asked him if tradition ba talaga na ganun lol and if di niya na ba ako ichachat (but I wasn’t specific) so ang sinagot niya lang is syempre magcchat pa rin siya pero as an employee talking to HR (me)

Uhm, so basta, everything is so wrong in so many levels, and it’s been days pero ngayon lang nagsisink in sakin lahat ng pinaggagagawa ko, and I know I shouldn’t be crying because I said yes to it, it was my decision to go through with it

Maybe I’m just sad and crying kasi Christian didn’t deserve it, I’m sure it’ll break him. Currently, I’m still pondering if I should tell him the whole story, pero I’m leaning more on yes I’ll tell him everything, kasi unfair sa kanya. And I think the guilt will eat me and haunt me forever if I stayed quiet and keep this all to myself forever.

He doesn’t deserve someone like me. And I am such a bitch kasi sinayang ko ‘to lahat. So now, iniisip ko na lang, na baka nga I really don’t deserve anything good in this life. Maybe tama lang na magbreak kami, because aside from the fact na I don’t want to deal with his problems anymore, mas nadadamay lang siya sa kashitan ng buhay ko.

Imagine, for sure if he decided to “accept” me pa rin after all those things that I did, at some point he’s gonna use all of that against me.

And tbh wala na rin ako magagawa, he can say what he want to say about me, he can tell everyone the reason if magbreak kami, he can say that I’m such a whore, so maybe I’ll just change my set of friends or have no friends at all. Magpakalayo layo na lang ako on my own, because again, I’m not sure if all of my life choices has something to do with the kind of family I grew up with, pero I blame them for every bad thing. Lol

God, I need therapy.

Again, kapag nagkita kami ni Christian, I am sure that I’ll cry a lot, but I feel na pati yun hindi ko deserve. I won’t ask him to forgive me, because what I did is something too unforgiveable.

Aside from dying, I think the only thing that I deserve is to be alone for the rest of my life.

I wasted everything that I had with Christian, over something, over someone na committed na rin lol

No one’s ever gonna love me like Christian did. I’m so sure of that.

Kasi, what am I to say to that future someone, that I broke up with my last boyfriend of almost 4 years because I cheated? Hahaha trust issues malala.

On the other hand, if talagang sobrang makapal mukha ko, I am also thinking of keeping this all to myself, keep it with me to the tomb, kasi iniisip ko, bakit si Albert pwede sumaya, pwede mag-act na parang walang nangyari, pero ako, bakit kailangan mag-end lahat para sakin? Something like that. But then again, it’s different for the both of us. I wouldn’t know if he’s lying na wala silang problem ng asawa nya, maybe di na siya nakakascore or something, or maybe talagang ganun lang siya kagago.

Kasi, if I think about it on my perspective, wala rin kami problem ni Christian (relationship-wise) and I do love him, it’s just that I think, parang naobliga ako... I know this is what my friend Matt was talking about before, pero I’m glad that he got out of Shane’s clutches. Sadyang, tama siya, hindi ako ibbreak ni Christian, it’s gonna be the other way around. And mahihirapan ako, because he was there when I needed all the help that I could get, so how could I ever repay him? Hindi ko na nga maibalik sa kanya, ganito pa ginawa ko.

I am such a bad person. I really deserve to just die.

[my-what-ifs]

Mumbles

Make up steps :D

Make sure face is moisturized as much as possible (mist or moisturizer will do) ;) Marking some of them with “ * “ as a sign that they’re optional. (For me at least)

1. Primer

2. Color Correct *

3. Concealer

4. Foundation / BB Cream / CC Cream *

5.a. Bronzer *

5.b Blush

5.c Highlighter *

---- Thinking of putting powder around here ----

6. Eyebrows *

7. Eye Shadow *

8. Eyeliner *

9. Mascara

10. Lip Liner *

11. Lipstick / Liptint

12. Setting Spray *

In short, let me just make that 6-7 items xD

1. Primer

2. Concealer

3. Blush

4. Powder

5. Mascara

6. Lipstick / Liptint

7. Thinking of using setting spray, it’s just that no budget for now lol

[my-what-ifs]

May 08, 2022 11:39 PM

Been wanting to create a space like this to channel out my inner thoughts that I don't want anyone prying in.

First topic: It was never about the looks nor the money. Although of course, that would've been a nice bonus. But then, to reiterate, that's not what I'm after.

I'm already beyond blessed to have a guy like Christian in my life. Sa dami ba naman ng naitulong sakin nung tao, sa pagsama sakin thru ups and downs for the past three years and three months, what more can I ask for?

He helped me whenever he can, he still does actually. Whenever it's something within his power, gagawin niya lahat makatulong lang. If it weren't for him, tingin ko I wouldn't have last.

I am actually one lucky girl, wala siyang bisyo mapa-yosi or alak, and we have a lot of similarities. One would think that we're soulmates. We both like anime and kpop. We're both introverted. We both hate people, especially the ones in our lives. Lol

However, I do wish sometimes na he could be like a typical boyfriend. Or maybe that was too much to ask, since di naman din kami "legal" on my side. (You know what I'm talking about) But a girl can dream. Hehehe i wish nahahatid sundo niya rin ako,,, but he's a bit weaker than the usual, like sakitin, and he has bad eyesight. So I just end up worrying about him. 😅 He doesn't like driving as well. So, no to strolls and travels with just the two of us. 😅