my-venting-machine-blog1 - Tumblr blog

my-venting-machine-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Let’s get to know you.

Let's play a game together. A role-play kind of thing. I'll give you some 'character traits' and you'll try your best to really channel this person. At the end of this little game I'll ask you a question. If you really channeled the character you'll know the answer by heart. This won't take long, I promise. Probably about 10 Minutes, depending on how fast you read. Are you ready? ...Okay. Let's start:

A quick outline of your appearance: You're an adolescent boy, probably around 18-20. Brown hair, green-brown eyes and absurdly white teeth. Your height is average (1,76m-ish/roughly 5'9), slim figure, slight tan. You got that? Nice.

Now on to your personality: You're funny, you're smart, you're charming. You have cool interests (comics, video games, skating, music... etc.) and you can get very passionate when talking about them. Especially when it comes to comic lore. You're not afraid to share your feelings with people you're close with, you're not even afraid to cry in front of them. You like to help your friends and you expect nothing in return. You're reliable. A good friend. People like you. Awesome! ...

But that's just the surface. Everyone has layers. I won't be Mary Sue-ing you. You ain't one-dimensional and you sure as hell aren't perfect. No one is. We're going to dig deep and try to find the skeletons in your closet. Though we first have to have an idea of your personality. We're going from neutral to bad. The good stuff is mentioned above. You still with me? Then let's continue.

First layer: You're an introvert.

Let me outline your very basic introvert a little: Introverts appear to be shy at first, but that is slightly inaccurate. They just have a hard time socializing, it often drains their energy to a point where they are just exhausted. That's why introverts rarely take the initiative when meeting someone new. That often leads to them having a small circle of friends, which they're totally fine with. They like their 'alone time'. They sometimes need a lot of space. Once they trust you, they will eventually start sharing their opinions and feelings more frequently and they can even overstep their own boundaries.

You're no exception from this general pattern and you're okay with that although you sometimes wish for it to be different. But hey, that's alright, everyone struggles with their specific "-ism". Nobody judges you. Holy shit, even extroverts struggle with their personality from time to time. Cool? Cool.

Second layer: You have very poor social/verbal skills.

Being an introvert does NOT mean being awful at expressing yourself verbally. That isn't an excuse and actually insulting for all the eloquent introverts out there.

Like the introvert one, this is not a bad trait. The difference is that being an introvert is a real part of your personality whereas your ability to talk is a trait of choice. Atleast in your case. You don't have a disorder. You just chose to not work on that properly resulting in misunderstandings with basically everybody around you.

Third layer: You're not exactly the most honest person.

Let me give you an example: You have the attention span of a fly. When someone notices you weren't listening or paying any attention, you tend to lie yourself 'out of the situation', hoping the other person won't notice. But you're a bad liar. You need to acquire a certain level of social skill to have success with that tactic. Too bad you haven't reached it yet. You would sacrifice every inch of trust that was given to you in order to not embarrass yourself.

Many people are like that. It's an annoying (and again: optional) trait, since you always have the option to just ask people what they're were talking about or what just happened (or what happened in general), but I guess that'd be way too easy. Again, many people share this trait with you, so it's no biggie.

Fourth layer: You're obsessive.

Now this is something way more unpleasant. Imagine being so insecure about yourself that you feel the constant need to be upset about your friends being with their other friends and not with you. That you used to TEXT them all night while they were chilling at someone elses place. Furiously. In tears. That you STILL feel the need let your 'friend' feel bad about hanging around with their friends. You're not even disguising it. You want THEM to feel bad. And because you're almost at a sociopathic level of being obsessive you actually go the biggest lengths to get back at them. With no sense of remorse whatsoever.

So, what is the best way to get back at them? You meet up with someone else too. What, that sounds like a healthy way to deal with the situation? If you'd just crave company that keeps your mind busy, then yes. But that isn't the exact motive, is it? No. It really isn't. If you'd only look for company you'd choose anyone from your small but fine variety of friends. But you aren't lonely. You're bitter. You wanna have some sweet revenge, because your friend makes you feel bad by not hanging around with you.

AN: Now I want you to think of the most pathetic person you've ever met. And they used to be as obsessed with you as you are with that friend I mentioned above nowadays. Imagine kicking U.P. (unpleasant person) out of your life not just once, but three times.

Despite you kicking them out of your life that many times you still consider them 'important'. ...Or do you really? I wonder.

In the back of your head something else rings: The friend you're obsessed with right now also had unpleasant encounters with that 'important' person you want to meet again. Your friend really doesn't like them. And the U.P. used to love YOU. I'll leave it at that. You can figure the reasoning behind your actions out yourself.

Fifth layer: If it's hurting/bothering you, everyone around you should be hurt/bothered too.

This is strongly tied with #4. And we're slowly getting to the point where it's just uncomfortable to read further.

If you aren't happy, then your close friends shouldn't be happy as well. For you, it's as simple as that. You continue whining and muttering until everyone has a bad time. And that doesn't even happen on a verbal level, no, your passive-aggressive ass is sending out subliminal messages. Is it that hard to talk about your problems? But don't worry, the majority of your friends just accept the fact that you're having a bad day. But the inner-circle (1-2 people approx. in your case) knows you're passive-aggressive on a daily basis.

How does that make you feel? Does it feel nice to ruin your friends moods? Dragging them down? You don't need to answer that. Just let it sink in.

AN: I hope you already cringe.

Sixth layer: You're manipulative and a guilt-tripper. And you play the victim card way too often.

Scenario time!

Let's say, you were totally wasted a while ago and tried to jump out of the window to kill yourself. You're not even suicidal, you just wanted to prove a point. And some attention. Hey, everybody makes mistakes, this is still acceptable, don't wet yourself. Consider me your friend. I am your friend. I wanna help you.

I try to talk to you about your problems, but, big surprise, it backfires. You get all whiney, shedding the biggest crocodile tears known to mankind. It annoys me. I get loud. I get angry. You cry. You cry me a river. Two rivers. You lock yourself in the bathroom, you smash windows, you verbally abuse yourself.

And then, when I get irrational and start to behave like a mental moron your inner hypocrite starts showing- Telling me I need to change.

Action/Reaction principle. The chicken or the egg causality dilemma. Who started it?

The case is clear. Crystal clear. You're the victim. You'll always be the victim. Why? Because tears beat violence. Yes? Right? Rock beats scissors. Always. The world is black and white. There's only the obvious right and the obvious wrong. My anger is worse than your fake tears. Your emotional manipulative, guilt-tripping tears. No doubt.

Knowing about my anger issues and provoking them until you have something to hold against me isn't you being an aggressor. You playing the small little victim card, guilt tripping my ass to the moon isn't manipulative.

Right?

We're both victims, both aggressors. The difference between you and me is that I am not actively trying to provoke your tears or all of the bullshit that comes with it.

Seventh layer: You deny any of your bad traits, because you don't want to admit that you haven't changed a bit over the last couple of years AKA You're absolutely delusional.

The worst trait is not acknowledging all the mayhem you cause all the time. IGNORING IT. You won't admit to your sociopathic, manipulative behaviour and you never question the motives behind your actions. You're delusion goes beyond everything I've ever known. And the worst part is: You're still blaming this on me. Saying I haven't grown up and matured. Telling me, you've change so much while repeating this neverending nightmarish cycle of emotional torture and treating me like I am the only one to blame.

Atleast I know I am an asshole too. Atleast I try to wear my heart on my sleeve. But this isn't about me. _______________________________

You get your question in a bit. Just a quick conclusion.

Remember my words from the beginning? That this wouldn't take long? It actually takes a long ass time make yourself look this pathetic. Especially when you started out as a nice person. A decent one. You see, when you make a friend you usually like them. You want them to be a part of your life.

No exception here. I really liked you. And I trusted you. From day one. You progressively destroyed this friendship.

And in the end I started participating. I feel bad about myself.

But you never even bothered to try to explain yourself properly, did yo? You know, all I heard was bullshit over bullshit.

Now I know that the average innocent reader doesn't really know much about my history with you. But I still dare to ask this question:

If this was really you, on a scale of 1 to 10, how disgusted would you be with yourself?

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