my-personalshit - Tumblr blog

[my-personalshit]

okay. now I'm not using this again....

[my-personalshit]

who do you wish you were as beautiful as?

ella. I'm sorry that I'm not.

[my-personalshit]

I'm discontinuing use of this blog. I will no longer be posting here.

[my-personalshit]

I have so much anxiety and I am tired all the time. I cover up most of my emotions most of the time because if I didn't, my unhappy thoughts would probably perpetuate so much that they would take over and there would be no room for being happy or in a good mood. I just want to be happy all the time so I don't want to exhibit any of my anxieties especially because usually they're there for no reason. I'm not in a bad mood right now but I feel the angst lingering inside, waiting for an off moment. Its just really annoying because I hate when I drasticly switch my mood. Maybe I should meditate. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Positive vibes :)

[my-personalshit]

Today started off so nicely. I was in a great mood and I was cheerful. I didn’t eat breakfast because I felt a little sick and bagels with salmon did not seem very appetizing. I had half a cup of coffee and went out the door. My girlfriend bought me coffee which was very nice of her and I was still in a delightful mood. As the pep rally rolled around I started feeling hungry but I didn’t have enough money to buy anything because mr. & mrs. WJ is $5. At lunch all I had were these caffiene mints to eat so I had a few. During lunch all the caffiene hit me and I was really jittery so I stopped eating the mints. At the end of 5th I had crashed and I felt really woozy and light headed and weak. Also no one was really talking to me so I didn’t have anyone elses positive engery to feed off of. That is when my mood went downhill. I felt so drained and vulnerable and my self esteem was so low and my mind just felt wasted. My heart was beating so fast and I felt like I was spinning. All I really wanted was to sit down and cry for a while and then lay down and sleep. I kind of felt trapped in my own head with fatigue. Now I’m sitting on land at crew and I’m desperate to just lay down and cry but T Grahme is here. Its just difficult some days. Its so much easier to write things here than to say them outloud because I can organize my thoughts which is the only thing that’s organized about me I guess and they aren’t that organized here anyway. I really just need some physical attention and someone to tell me that I’m going to be okay. None of my friends really understand. They don’t get as emotional as I do, or at least they don’t display it at all. Nicki may understand but we react differently to our emotions. I want to talk to someone right now. I feel like I’m on the brink of destroying myself. Obviously I won’t have this feeling in a week or so but right now it feels so horrible. I try not to display to anyone how I actually feel because if I opened up all the way to someone I feel like they would be terrified of all my thoughts and how I feel most of the time. I smile and laugh and joke around pretty often but there are always thousands of thoughts racing through my mind at the same time and I can’t grasp or catch 99% of them but I notice them. What I’m typing out may not make that much sense to anyone else but it makes sense to me. I guess I suck at communicating because I don’t know what kinds of things are normal for me to say, how do normal people feel in this situation? Because I know I feel most things stronger than a lot of other people but I just don’t express it because if I did, it would be just so overwhelming all the time and then when I actually need to express a feeling to somebody and I need them to understand, it won’t be as effective because I would do it all the time. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore. I’m basically just typing everything that come to my mind. Its a little incoherrent and incohesive. My mind is reeling. I just want to do everything right and I’m sorry I do things the wrong way or I don’t do what I’m supposed to do but I’m really trying. I’m trying to make sense of it all and I’ve been trying to do that for a really long time. Just be good. And make other people happy. Other people being happy is more important than my happiness. I know that for sure. The only things I really know right now is that other’s happiness comes first and that I would really do anything for the people who I love in my life. Everything else is just a blur that I haven’t figured out yet. I think I’m going to lay down and try to breathe now. Tommorrow is a new day.

[my-personalshit]

fuck. today was the worst day you could have picked to have your bi-monthly extreme temper and aggressiveness. I'm actually so hurt and you keep going please just fucking stop. really. I'm so upset. please.

[my-personalshit]

I wish I was as beautiful as her... 

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[my-personalshit]

[my-personalshit]

If I haven't made this clear enough already, I love you so much. I love you whether you want to dress like a boy or a girl or somewhere in between. It doesn't matter to me that some days you want to be or feel more masculine than other days. I really love you no matter what. All I care about is that you are happy and comfortable with yourself, otherwise you can't be happy at all. I know you may think that I judge you in some way or something like that but really I'm just curious and I want to know more about the things that you buy or do to make yourself more masculine. I really am giving you nothing but support, always :) I love you sooooooooo much.

[my-personalshit]

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[my-personalshit]

I am having severe mood swings and everything feels weird and all I want to do is sit and cry but I'm in Pittsburg and I'm with my friend and I should be having fun but I'm so sad and I want this to stop. Please, can I just be happy and can I talk to people and not feel like I'm being super annoying and clingy or fake. I feel like everything I've said and done for the past few days has been forced happiness. Ughhh please can I feel happy and normal? This feeling started when marguerite ditched me for lunch and was a bitch about it later. Can I return to the land of the happy?

[my-personalshit]

I fucking hate when my feelings do this to me. This is such shit. I really really really don't need this at all. This isn't normal. Its been such an up and down rollercoaster today. No reason at all. I need medication. Or some type of help. I feel helpless. I know I'm being annoying and dramatic and its stupid but I feel genuinely horrible and I just want to be happy. And not sad or depressed or angry or stressed or anxious. Please can I be happy unless I actually have a reason to be upset? I love being happy and I hate how I feel right now. GO AWAY NEGATIVITY! I'm trying so hard to feel better.

[my-personalshit]

So far I've lost a total of 15 pounds. Its gonna suck when crew starts up again and I'm going to need to eat more to have enough energy everyday. But at least I'll be working out...but also gaining the weight back in muscle. So maybe I should start counting inches instead...

[my-personalshit]

I love that if I close my eyes, I can still taste you, still feel you, still smell you. Thinking about last night is bringing back this whirlwind of feelings and it's just wonderful. I loved being that close to you and being able to fall asleep with you naked, it was just you and me and the sheets. It was so simple, so easy, it was comfortable and effortless to be extremely happy with you. I was in complete ecstasy. I'm really falling seriously in love with you. What I'm feeling, I'm not sure I've felt before, exactly. I've loved a girl. But the way you are just causes these deep emotions inside of me to erupt and want to come out differently than before. You are so intriguing and interesting. You always have a new side of yourself that you have to show me. Everything about you is making me fall deeper and deeper for you. I absolutely love that you can be weird and crazy and be passionate about certain things. I love how you're anal about my clothes being put away and you wanted to mix up the chocolate chips even though I wanted them to be one color and how you are obsessed with dates on the calendar and the time periods in which things happen. I love it. I want to feel this close to you more often, I want to be so familiar with every inch of your body that I can picture every minute detail of you with my eyes closed. I want to make next time and the times after that just as memorable if not more.

[my-personalshit]

If my body even looked like this on a regular basis (maybe a little skinnier than that), I would be happy and not complain about it again.