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[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

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[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 14

AN: fuk off SECOND SALEMERZ ok! Dan fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I let a reptile bite me at the zoo. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god conments!

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where Grincelwald was. It turned out that Grindelwald wasn’t there. Instead the lady who tried to kill Tina was. Tina was there crying tears of venom. Bernadette was torturing her. Magizoologist and I ran in front of Bernadette.

“Rid my sight you despicable second salemers!” she shouted as we started shooting her with the gun she Then suddenly she looked at me and she fell down with a lovey-dovey look in her eyes. “NewtIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” she said.

“Huh?” I asked. ”Newt I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Bernadette. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my gf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bitch.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed her in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” she screamed. She started screaming and running around. Then she fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Bernadette what art thou doing?” called Grindelwald. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Tina’s flat. We went to my case. Magizoologist went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Tina taking off her clothes so we could screw. She had pale skin (geddit cuz shes a baby vamp) and really beautiful you-know-whats and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other guys and second salemers here except for B’loody Auror, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the second salemers anyway. They are such fucking players.” answered Tina.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Graves and Abernaathy took a picture of me naked. Crerdence says he’s in love with me. Magizoologist likes me and now even Bernadette is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Tina! Why couldn’t Paracelsus have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory nwet isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes handsome) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 13

AN: dan fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of eddie but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! SECOND SALEMERZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

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Magizoologist and I ran up the ladder looking for Seraphina. We were so scared.

“Seraphina Seryphina!” we both yelled. Seraphina came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” she asked angrily.

“Grinselwald has Tina!” we shouted at the same time.

She laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Tina!” we begged.

“No.” she said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Grindelwald does to Tina. Not after how much she misbehaved especially with YOU Newt.” she said while she frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked her that much anyway.” then she walked away. Magizoologist started crying. “My Tina!” she moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay girlz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell her but that didn’t stop her. She started to cry tears of venom. Then she had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” she exclaimed.

“What?” I asked her.

“You’ll see.” she said. She took out her wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Grindelwqld’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!” It was……………………………….. Grindelwald!

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 12

AN: stop f,aing ok crerdence is a creep 2 a lot of ppl in amerika r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no gravs iant kristian plus crerdence isn’t really in luv wif newt dat was da sudnese girl ok!

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I was about to let the swooping evil Dina had given me in case anything happened to her bite me. She had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS CREIRdence but it was Magizoologist. She started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. her eyes rolled up! You could only see her red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the jarvey bite!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabola changed it into a beast feeding chart for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” she said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the jarvey bite! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Tina…………….Grinefwald has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the MACUSA medical office now recovering from my swooping evil bites. Gravs and Abernaathy and CREHRENCE were there too. They were going to Beth Mango (the wizard hospital in New YOrk) after they recovered cause they were creeps and you can’t have those fucking pervs working in MACUSA with lots of hot girlz and guyz. Seraphina had constipated the pivture camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Crerdence came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Nwet I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up second salemers like you.” I snapped. Crerdence had been mean to me before for being beasty.

“No Nwet.” Crerdence says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they beasts too you poser second salemer?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. “I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Bertie Bott picture made from your shower scene and being vued by Gravs and Abernaathy.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Now, Believe that Magic works don’t be afraid afraid of beING HURT! .

“That’s not a spell that’s a Weird Sisters song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “I close my eyes and squeeze you from my consciousness(4 all u cool beasty weird sisters fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for dan I love you man!)imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge creature habitat floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a second salemer.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Tima?”

Creirdence rolled his eyes. I looked into the depths of the habitat but I could c nothing.

“U c, Nweet,” Seryphina said, watching the two of us watching the habitat. “2 c wht iz n da hbbtat u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD LADY!” Crerdence yelled. sERyphina lookd shockd. I guess she didn’t have a headache or else she would have said something back.

Creirdence stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, madam piqueryy!”

Anyway when I got better I went down into my case and put on a tan waistcoat that was all too small and didn’t close on the bottom. There was some button stuff on the front. Then I put on black trousers and brown high boots with pictures of Stubby Boardman on them. I fluffed my hair all in front of me so I looked like Christine from Phantom of the Opera (if u don’t know who she iz ur a second salemer so fuk off! also its the 1920s version duh) and I put on a black bowtie, black cufflinks and a black jacket.

“You look chamud, bro.” B’loody Auror said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I let the swooping evil bite me twice feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the clasps on the case so Gravs and Abernaathy couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to feed some creatures. Magizoologist was feeding a Hippogriff. She looked all depressed because Tina had disappeared and she had used to be in love with Tina. She was doing some experiments on a No-Maj.

“Hi.” she said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Leta had beautiful deep brown eyes so much like Tinas. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted an Auror who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Magizoologist you fucker!” I said slapping her. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Tina!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then she started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. her eyes rolled up! You could only see her red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabola changed it into a creature feeding chart for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” she said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Tina…………….Grindefwald has her bondage!”

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 DAN MY BEASTY VENOM BROTHER WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY DAN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up second salemerz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend dan 4 hleping me!

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Auror tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my case crying myself. Seraphina chased after me shouting but she had to stop when I went into my case cause she would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of swooping evil venom and then I let the swooping evil bite me twice. It got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Spellbound song at full volume. I grabbed a strudel and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a white low-cut shirt with a waistcoat over it sandly. I put on brown high boots with dirt on the bottoms and six bowtruckles on my shoulders. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out into the Erumpent enclosure and screamed… Gravs was spying on me and he was taking a picture of me! And Abernaathy was masticating to it! They were crouching behind a rock.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU CREEPS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Blodwyn Bludd on it. Suddenly Magizoologist ran down the stairs.

“Abra Kedavra!” she yelled at Graves and Abernaathy pointing her wang. I took my gun and shot Graves and Abernaathy a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Seryphina ran down. “Newt, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she shouted looking at Graves and Abernaathy and then she waved her wand and suddenly…

Crerdence ran outside of the Runespoor cave and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Crerdence? You’re just a little Ilvermorny student!”

“I MAY BE AN ILVERMORNY STUDENT….” Crerderence paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A KEEPER OF BEASTS!”

“This cannot be.” Gravs said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Seryphina’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Abernaathy held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the film is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough swooping evil venom.

“Why are you doing this?” Abernaathy said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his jackt.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to sic the swooping evil on him and then drink its venom because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Cerdence said and he paused on a platform dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then jumped he down singing to the tune of a beasty version of a song by Celestina Warbeck.

“Because you’re beasty” Gravs asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with The Beast.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay figs if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody auror isn’t a muggle afert al n he n magizoologist r beast keepers datz y dey movd houses ok!

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I was really scared about Grindlewald all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my beasty band The Beastie Boys. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between WS, Spellbound and The Hobgoblins. The other people in the band are B’loody Auror, Magizoologist, Tina, Queenie (although we call her Diabola now. She has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Crerdence. Only today Tina and Magizoologist were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Tina was probably letting the swooping evil bite her (she wouldn’t die because she was a magizoologist too and the only way you can kill a magizoologist is with a m-a-g-e-n d-a-v-i-d (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a strudel) and Magizoologist was probably watching a depressing movie like Die Fledermaus. I put on a brown waistcoat that showed off my abs and long matching trousers that said Lorcan d'Eath on the butt. You might think I’m a manwhore but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ (a song about Rowena Ravenclaw’s daughter) and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Newt! Are you OK?” B’loody Auror asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Grindelwald came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Leta! But I don’t want to kill her, because, she’s really nice, even if she did go out with Tina. But if I don’t kill Leta, then Grindelwald, will fucking kill Tina!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Tina jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” she shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser no-maj bastard!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Tina started to cry too all sensitive. Then she ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Seraphina walked in angrily! Her eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause she had a headache.

“What have you done!” She started to cry powerfully. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time she wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Newt Tina has been found in her room. She committed suicide by letting the swooping evil bite her.”

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn watch da whole moovie! dis is frum da screenplay ok so itz nut my folt if Seraphin swers! besuizds I SED SHE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson gravs dosent lik leta now is coz hes christian and magizoologist likes beasts! THE HOBGOBLINS ROK!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Tina for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Tina.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with colorless eyes and no hair pigmentation and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have hair pigmentation (basically like Grindelwald in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t into beasts. It was…… Grindelwald!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Grindelwald shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Dougal!” I shouted at him. Grindelwald fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Newt.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Leta Lestrange!”

I thought about Magizoologist and her sexah eyes and her fluffy black hair and how her face looks just like Zoe Kravitz. I remembered that Tina had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Tina went out with Magizoologist before I went out with her and they broke up?

“No, Grindelwald!” I shouted back.

Grindelwald gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Tina!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Grindelwald got a dude-ur-so-dumb look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Magizoolist, then thou know what will happen to Tina!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Tina came into the woods.

“Tina!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” she said back but her face was all sad. She was wearing subtle purple lipstick and light blush kind of like Katherine Waterston.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” she answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” she said all depressed and we went back into her flat together making out.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a second salemer!

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Everyone in the conference room stared at me and then Tina came in even though she was naked and started begging me to take her back.

“Newt, it’s not what you think!” Tina screamed sadly.

My brother B'loody Auror smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his luxurious red-brown hair and opened his crimson eyes like beasts’ that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale skin like me that he had freckles on it. Theseus was kidnapped when he was born. Our real parents are magizoologists and one of them is a witch but Grindelwald killed our mother and our father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. We still have nightmares about it and we are very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is Scamander and not Barebone. (Since he has converted to beastliness he is in Hufflepuff now not Griffindoor. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Graves demeaned angrily in his harsh voice but I ignored him.

“Magizoologist, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Tina!” I shouted at her.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Newt was so mad at me. I had went out with Magizoologist (I’m bi and so is Newt) for a while but then she broke my heart. She dumped me because she liked Mary Lou, a stupid second-salemy fucker. We were just good friends now. She had gone through horrible problems, and now she was beastly. (Haha, like I would hang out with a second salemer.)

“But I’m not going out with Tina anymore!” said Magizoologist.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bitch!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into Central Park where I had lost my virility to Tina and then I started to bust into tears.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 7

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god repluis. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Nowt isn’t a Garie Stu ok he isn’t perfect HES A BEAST MAN! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

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Tina and I held our hands – her pale white one and my freckled one – as we went into her room. I had bite marks on my hands in between my thumb and finger (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Garu Stu 2 u?). I waved to Magizoologist. Dark misery was in her depressed eyes. I guess she was jealous of me that I was going out with Tina. Anyway, I went into the room excitedly with Tina. We locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. I felt her up before she took of her top. Then she took off her white linen corselet and I took off my trousers. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then I put my boy’s thingy in hers and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Tina, Tina!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Tina’s arm. It was a brown heart with an arrow through it. On it in electric blue writing were the words………… Magizoologist!

I was so angry.

“You bitch!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Tina pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Tina ran out even though she was naked. Her you-know-whats bounced sexily but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Leta’s conference room at MACUSA where she was having a meeting with Mr. Graves and some other people.

“MAGIZOOLOGIST LESTRANGE, YOU LITTLE CUNT!” I yelled.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 6

AN: shjt up second salemerz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood replis!

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The next day I woke up in my case. I put on black trousers that were all ripped around the ends and a tan waistcoat with buttons all down it and high boots that were brown. I put on two bowtruckles in my lapels, and two more that were in the shape of magen davids on my shoulders. I spray-painted my hair with hairspray.

In the Goldsteins’ kitchen, I ate some Wheaties cereal with swooping evil venom instead of milk, and a glass of swooping evil venom. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the venom spilled over my waistcoat.

“Bitch!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the light brown face of a woman with fluffy black hair with red flowers in it. She was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down her face and she was wearing black lipstick. She didn’t have earrings anymore and now she was wearing red contact lenses just like Tina’s and there was no scar on her arm anymore. She had a pretty smile. She had a sexy English accent. She looked exactly like Zoe Kravitz. She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her kind of like getting wet only I’m a boy so I didn’t you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” she said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Leta Lestrange, although most people call me Magizoologist these days.” she grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of swooping evil venom.” she giggled.

“Well, I am a magizoologist.” I confessed.

“Really?” she whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Tina came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a second salemer or a posr! Da only reson Seoraphina swor is coz she had a hedache ok an on tup of dat she wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good conments!

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Seraphina made and Tina and I follow her. She kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” she shouted.

I started to cry tears of swooping evil down my freckled face. Tina comforted me. When we went back to MACUSA Seraphina took us to Mr. Graves and another Auror who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in Central Park!” she yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked the random Auror.

“How dare you?” demanded Mr. Graves.

And then Tina shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Seraphina and the random Auror still looked mad but Mr. Graves said. “Fine. Very well. You may go home.”

Tina and I left to go back to her flat while the MACUSA employees glared at us.

“Are you okay, Newt?” Tina asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the washroom down into my case and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into black trousers with pinstripes all over it and brown boots. When I came out….

Tina was standing in front of the bathroom, and she started to sing ‘This Is The Night’ by The Weird Sisters. I was so flattered, even though I hadn't invited her down there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back up into her room.

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

My Fantastic Beasts Immortal: Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok newt’s name is NWET nut gary stu OK! TINA IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat she is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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“TINA!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Tina didn’t answer but she stopped the flying car and she walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Newt?” she asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Tina leaned in extra-close and I looked into her beasty red eyes (she was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Tina kissed me passionately. Tina climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. I took of her top and she took of my clothes. She even took of her bra. Then I put my thingie into her you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale, freckled body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was……………………………………………………. Seraphina!

[my-fantastic-beasts-immortal]

I’m posted 23 more chapters of this on AO3, but for those who prefer reading stuff on Tumblr, I’ve made a sideblog.

Ok imagine a fantastic beasts fic but in the legendary style of my immortal

My name is Newt Artemis Fido Scamander and I have messy reddish-brown hair and hazel-green eyes that make the fan girls weep. A lot of people tell me I look like Eddie Redmayne (A/N: If u don’t know who he is then get da hell out of here!) I have pale freckled skin that burns and freckles even more in the sunlight. I’m also a wizard but I got kicked out of Hogwarts because I’m too nice a person and took the blame for a crime I didn’t commit. I’m a Magizoologist (if u don’t know what that is then get da hell out of here!) and I always carry around my suitcase full of creatures. Today I was wearing my fabulous long blue coat with a shirt, a waistcoat and a smart bow tie as well as practical leather boots and trousers. I was in New York and it was December so there was no sun, which I was happy about. A group of New Salemers stared at me when I went to the bank. I told them I was a Chaser and grinned at how clever I was.

“MR SCAMANDER!”

I turned and it was…Porpentina Goldstein! (But we all call her Tina because she hexes you for calling her Porpentina)

“Hello, Miss Goldstein. What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Did you obliviate that no-maj?” She asked.

I didn’t know what a no-maj was so I didn’t answer - I was about to ask when I saw my Niffler scurrying up the steps to the bank and I had to leave.

IS it good? PLZ tell me beastz!

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Am I funny yet?