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some late night neprezes :p

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i spent the last few days going through the archive of this blog (which i changed the name of macabremusician > overpoweredgay) and wow 1) i’ve always been a huge fucking mess and 2) holy shit am i glad my opinions on certain things have changed

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turning 21 is pretty anticlimactic when you don’t have any desire to drink

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wearing sunglasses over my glasses 5ever also duck face peace n love xoxo

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barbara is so cute tho im sry i just shes just i j ust sheS JUST I J US T

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i challenged dothewordything to a duel in minecraft and they're way ahead of me in mcmmo so they can brew special potions and i said i would brew for three weeks straight not even stopping to sleep but yeah no i spent like two hours yesterday decorating my lab look at my priorities

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at age 15 my friend gill told me if i came out girls would be all over me and i wonder if that could still happen at age 20

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what if i were to just

take good pictures of myself

and posted them

what if i did that

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in other news i kind of just want to change all my facebook info to actually true things meaning put interested in girls and change my gender to gender fluid and pronouns to they/them and "religion" to atheist. i'm really tired of feeling like i'm lying idk i should probably come out to my grandma and sister first but that makes me nervous i just want to tell everyone at once but no one knows about my gender thing except friends and not even all my friends so and i don't think my family will ever accept me so this is kind of a big deal i should probably care more about what would happen if i did that but i feel like it'd just be one less thing to worry about if i just do it

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still can't help feeling like i wasn't and will never be good enough though and it terrifies me to think maybe people have stopped caring about me that i still care about a lot

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US Constitution, First Amendment: The right to assemble, to have free speech, to have freedom of the press.

Ferguson Police: Kicks out media and limits protestors to a “First Amendment Area”

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relationships really mess me up and i haven't even had a proper one. honestly idk if i'm fit to handle a relationship. i'm still getting over stuff that happened months ago. i'm still sad, still missing her. the dreams had mostly stopped for a while but i've dreamt about her almost every night this week. hell, i had a dream about another sort-of-ex that i haven't spoken to in two years. i'm wondering if anyone every truly and fully gets over anyone, or if feelings will always linger, and it's just that no one talks about it because you're not supposed to remember how you felt for people four years ago when you've got a thing with someone else right now. cause you don't want that person anymore but sometimes you still get sad thinking about how it all went. but that's hard to explain.

idk. i've just been thinking about how it all went i guess. and like i said it's hard to explain. i regret how i acted. in a choose your own adventure game this would've been the path that lead to the "game over" screen. if i'm truthful i wasn't ready for any of it. i knew i wasn't ready. but i kept pursuing her because it was the first time i was really able to feel for someone again. i knew it wouldn't work probably two months in when my jealousy started getting out of hand. i knew those weren't healthy feelings. it was just...inner conflict the whole time. i don't blame myself for everything, but a lot of it was my fault. it started to fall apart the moment i got insecure. that line of thought spiraled, as it always does, and i don't like what i turned into.

but i don't regret loving her. it's really fucking cliche but it's the whole "if you love her let her go" bullshit. i just want her to be happy. i would've hurt her if i kept talking to her, and i would've hurt myself. i want to talk to her now, i miss her so goddamn much. i always see shit i think she'd find hilarious or think of something and want to tell her and then i'm like "oh." but i think it would probably still be bad for me. and when i get in a bad place i lash out at the people around me. i'd be a shit friend if started talking to her and immediately turned into an asshole, wouldn't i? plus idk if she'd want to talk to me. if we do talk again someday it will probably be like... my choice to initiate conversation, her choice to continue conversation. i have to think about myself as well. how i am, well, that determines whether i am capable of being a good friend. if i can't be a good friend, i can't talk to her. that wouldn't be fair to her. wouldn't be fair to either of us.

idk. if she sees this that's okay. i don't really have anything to hide. i'm just venting and trying to figure out what's up with me and what to do next that's best for me. because i really miss being her friend. i miss talking to her. we might not talk again but i hope we do eventually. i don't want to lose another friend forever.

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oh look MORE RTSTUCK.

so have some grimgav. btw this picture is kinda old??? so i’ll redo it sometime.

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I didnt like the other trickster michael i did because compared to the homestuck trickster he wanst very

colorful

So i also took this oportunety for more grimdark gavin

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michael: dude, your planet fucking sucks!

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