musiclovingtimetraveller-blog

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IT’S GETTING HARDER JUST KEEPING LIFE AND SOUL TOGETHER

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Numbered posts

If you have just looked on my page, my coming out story is titled with a year. 2009 is the beginning! Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think 🙂🙂🙂 thank you!!

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Numbered posts

If you have just looked on my page, my coming out story is titled with a year. 2009 is the beginning! Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think 🙂🙂🙂 thank you!!

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October 2011- back in the closet

A week of suffering passed at home and at school. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was watching my back at school and having to try so hard to ignore people calling me names and being generally homophobic. Then at home I felt awful because we was days away from moving house and I’d just made Mum and Dad 1000% more stressed because of news getting to them of home being gay. I couldn’t cope with it, coming out had done me no favours! I knew who I was, but everything I thought to myself “if this is what coming out does, then I don’t want it!” I had never felt more alone and helpless, all my friends who I came out to took a step back and didn’t try and help me, and my family certainly didn’t, except for one. I didn’t talk to my brother because he wasnt interested in me and my sexuality, he just wasn’t bothered, which i guess is a good thing. I wrote a letter to Mum and Dad one Sunday night telling them I’m not gay, I apologised for the stress I caused and I told I was probably too young to decide. I shut it down at school too, told anyone who asked that I might have been wrong and yet again, let myself fade into the background. I still got a lot of nasty and sarcastic comments from people at school, but I felt better knowing My home life was a happier one, I didn’t care that I wasn’t but as long as my parents are okay that’s all I wanted at the time. It took weeks for school to become okay again, I was still on my own every dinner and break time, had very few people to sit with in lessons but it was bearable. I was now back to square one, being back in the closet out of harms way!

This is why I know if anyone is thinking of coming out, please be sure you want to, and make sure you get support around you, even if it’s just you supporting yourself! You can do it!! Be brave, be strong, you will be okay in the end! I did it...

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October 2011- worst I’d ever felt

Because earlier in 2011 I reached out to people about my sexuality, I felt very comfortable with myself, so much so I wanted to keep telling my friends. One morning two girls who lived 2 doors from me were talking to me, and i dropped it into conversation that I’m gay. They were happy for me, and they respected me when I told them no family knew, only my brother and I asked them to keep it to themselves. I wanted to be the one to tell people about being gay. We got on the bus to school, and by the time we got there everyone on the bus knew, because my two “friends” told everyone just because they wanted to. By the time it got to dinner time everyone in school knew. I felt so nervous and upset. No one helped me feel better, no one stood with me and supported me. I got so many people making horrible comments to me. Teachers heard it but they didn’t say anything, even when I got stuff thrown at me in the class room and name calling, no one helped me. Instead I froze, I couldn’t speak, couldn’t react, I just ignored people the best I could, but I felt so so sick! When I got home my Godmother was visiting and some how we got on the subject of sexuality, so I told her about me, I knew she wouldn’t care, I knew she’d be happy to have a gay godson! She was pleased, but she told me I had to tell my parents. I didn’t want to tell my parents because in a weeks time we were due to move house so I didn’t want to stress them out. But like in the morning, I was ignored and my Godmother told my Mum and Dad. They weren’t bothered that I’m gay, but they worried about the amount of abuse I might get from people at school and everywhere else. I didn’t tell them about how bad school was, I kept that to myself. But that whole week I felt like I had no one to go to, and I felt like I’d let down my family. That was the first time in my life I ever felt suicidal, all because I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself, and I didn’t feel I had the support from people, and I certainly didn’t feel like I deserved it. If you are reading this, my advice to you is... don’t let people push you to come out until you’re ready, if you feel ready make sure you have support from friends, teachers, family, colleagues at work, or look for advice. Don’t suffer for other people’s ignorance and small mindedness. You can be yourself!

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Don’t abuse a kind heart. You may never be offered one again.

Pokello Nare (via deeplifequotes)

True that! I’ve fallen lucky with James, and he’s fallen lucky with me xxx

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Music can sometimes make everything that little bit better. We can slip away into another world and forget everything for a little while. Let yourself go

Found on the circuit board of a guitar pedal

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@willettsjamest ❤️❤️

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April 2011

I started talking to two girls in my GCSE (year 10) maths group. To start with, it was just general chit chat for a few weeks, we’d help each other with our work and just talk, then one day I realised I could talk to them about being gay. The first person you tell, you make sure you can trust them, it protects you from the anxiety of gossip spreading. They became my best friends, I could talk to them about anything now I could talk about being gay and they were fine about it. From there on I started to tell everyone I was close friends to, it made me feel good, like I was slowly being accepted. When school ended for Summer I felt like I left my life behind, and all my good friends, by the time I left most of my friends knew and a couple of teachers knew too. So I decided to tell my brother, to make a big leap. I kept making hints on texts and in comments, but it didn’t click with him. I wasn’t brave enough to tell him in person so I texted him instead. He didn’t say much about it, to start with he thought I was joking until one morning he called me and had a nice chat with me. He basically told me to be careful, not to be too obvious about it and to be careful about who I told. It was nice to be accepted but i wasn’t happy I couldn’t talk to him about it much, and I didn’t feel he’d be able to help me tell my Mum and Dad. But as I always have I take things in my stride! I thought things were difficult then but the really hard part came later in 2011...

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There is a huge potential market among the queer community. LGBT people drink too much – even more than the rest of the British population. Every survey of the comparative drinking habits of straight and rainbow folk brings the same news: By any measure, we have a problem.  Gay men and women are, for example, about twice as likely to binge drink at least once a week, compared with the general population; around 16% of LGBT people drink at levels suggestive of dependency (compared with just 3.8%); and, according to one study, 47% of trans people drink at harmful levels.  The statistics, however, miss the backstory: of the early isolation many LGBT people feel, growing up in a closet not of anyone’s making, but out of which everyone has to escape – or perish; of jumping from the closet into the LGBT scene, populated by others also seeking escape; and of the low self-regard that so often lingers. Disinhibit, anaesthetise. Alcohol finds us.

This Is What It’s Like Inside An Alcohol-Free Gay Bar | Patrick Strudwick for BuzzFeed  (via gaywrites)

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Don’t believe everything you think. The mind creates its own illusions by linking thoughts that share no connection.

Jerry Corstens (via deeplifequotes)

I have this issue loads, I feel sorry for the people that have to deal with me.

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2010-2011

Life at school in 2010 wasn’t much different for me or the rest of 2009, I was approaching my GCSE’s but that didn’t bother me, nor did the idea of being gay. I spent these two years getting my head around the idea of being gay. I had no one to relate to in school, there was one other gay lad called Will, but he had friends who had his back, but I felt completely alone, so I knew I wouldn’t have any kind of support if I came out like he had. I didn’t need to act on the information I knew about myself so there was no pressure, but I was on my own. I’d go to bus morning and night, listening to music and not talking to anyone, I’d go to lessons, do my work and go, then at dinner and break times I’d sit on my own, go for a walk until it was time for lessons. At home I had my parent and my brother, but I didn’t have friends outside of school, no one my own age. My life outside school was in the garden , fish tank and visiting relatives. I totally isolated myself from the world but no one knew it. But in 2011 things changed and I came out my shell a little...

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Not 100% really, need a background for them to fall into. This is a tiny bit Doctor Who, notice the regeneration but LGBT colours, oh and my favourite jacket 😁 what do you think? I call it- Don’t let me fade away.

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2009

I first started to question my sexuality in 2009. I was in Year 8 and this lad I’d been talking to in lessons, one day waited until no one was looking and kissed me. I didn’t pull away, but went in for another... as ya do! We didn’t tell anyone, was too scared of what other people would have said. My school was quite a big place, and I felt lonely there the best of times without making things worse for myself. I spent weeks thinking about things, not the lad who kissed me but I had every thought going through my head- what would my family say, what would happen to me at school if anyone knew? I had to keep it a secret, so I did, for 2 years, I didn’t tell anyone! I was a quiet one anyway with very few friends so no one noticed I was quieter than normal, and I was never tempted to tell anyone anything...

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When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all… grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It’s so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better…

Elton Pope, Doctor Who (via doctorwho)

love this 

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Hey who’s your boyfriend

He’s called James. Why d’you ask?

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My boyfriend!